Numb3rs: Hollywood Homicide (Episode 402)

First of all, let me apologize for the late recap. I’m a Canadian, and this past weekend was Canadian Thanksgiving. In the spirit of that holiday, I’ve decided to point out all the things I’m thankful for in this eppesode. I may also point out a few things I’m not thankful for; I’m snarky like that.

We begin this eppesode in Brett Chandler’s ridiculously expensive bachelor pad. It’s most definitely a Hollywood creation as Brett lives there with his entourage and about 1/3 of those out of work actors mentioned in the opening grid, or, at least, the 1/3 that is made up of hot females. How do I know it’s a Hollywood creation? Brett Chandler is not the least bit hot.

Two of Brett’s friends are filming a really cheap version of MTV’s Cribs. They explore his wardrobe, his bedroom (and threaten to sell his sheets on E-Bay) and his bathroom. All of this is spectacularly impressive until they discover the dead naked chick in the bathtub.

Again, how do I know this is Hollywood creation? In real life, publicists would’ve moved the body to a less than newsworthy part of LA and put the spin doctors (the actual spin doctors, not the crappy 90’s band) into overtime and destroyed the tape. What would not have happened is the taping winding up in the hands of the Fedcakes, which is exactly where it is now.

It’s been six days since the tape was shot and somebody’s gone into damage control mode because a body was never reported. Don can’t accept that this tape is all they’re going on, considering that Brett Chandler is the Numb3rs version of Brad Pitt, except without any hotness whatsoever. In fact, there is more hotness in this less than well lit scene than there is in the supposed movie star.

I may not be able to see clearly but I do recognize a voice – Liz Warner, Don’s now begrudgingly accepted but still not cooler than Robin girlfriend.

The Fedcakes have very little to go on, as the face is obscured. What’s that? Nothing to go on? Well, like the Fedcakes version of Lassie, Charlie, arrives to help. After what is an extremely annoying audience-vision comparing smashing a gumball machine to the dead naked chick’s face and Charlie being totally out of sync with the sound, Charlie’s able to reconstruct an accurate image.

While the computer is searching for the Jane Doe, someone much more interesting than dead naked chick or not-hot movie star arrives, Colby Granger. I’m extremely mildly disappointed he’s not wearing the wife-beater he was last week. As excited I am to see him, there’s only one way to describe the Fedcakes’ reaction.

I mean, how do you apologize to a man who nearly died protecting his country, all because you stood around and debated if he was a traitor? I don’t think Hallmark ever made a card for that.

Megan and Don put their best faces forward and welcome him back or at least, welcome him to sit tight to await reassignment. As drool-worthy as he is, I’m with David in hanging back a little and reserving judgment about his return. Why? Well, when it comes to siding with a Fedcake, if pushed, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll always take David’s side. Why again? I’m confident that whatever decision David makes has been backed up with a lot of research and that he’ll exposit his reasons for me. Don would just either yell, or stay silent. Megan would kick my ass to agree with me. Charlie would put on his puppy-dog face and I’d melt like an ice cube in an oven but with David, he’d reason with me. Hence, I trust his opinion that, despite Colby’s heroics, I’m not sure he’s entirely trustworthy. If David’s suspicious, I’m suspicious.

Of course, David isn’t given the time to explain himself as a match has been found for the dead girl. She’s Andrea Barton and she can be found in the morgue.

Andrea Barton’s: Well, she can be found in the morgue, or she can be found driving away from her apartment, fleeing Megan and David. While this scene just establishes that all things in Hollywood are not as they appear (like I needed to be told not to look behind the curtain) it also gives me something else to be thankful for. Between the dead-not-dead girl, trying to get a rhythm while partnering with Megan and dealing with his complicated relationship with Guildenstern, I’m thankful for David’s confusion.

Funky New Techno-Title Flash.

Morgue: Numb3rs giveth and Numb3rs taketh away. As thankful as I am for quality David development, I’m not happy that our coroner isn’t Claudia. On top of that is the coroner takes David’s job of exposition by telling us that the dead girl was forcibly drowned. According to said coroner who is not Claudia, the dead girl also had some serious plastic surgery. How does an out of work actress afford that? Hopefully it’s not the same solution they had on Shark this week.

Chandler’s: Rosencrantz isn’t the only one suffering from separation anxiety, so is Guildenstern. To prevent himself form going crazy with boredom, he’s partnered with Liz to help on the case. He’s a bit snappish with her and thinks she’s only working with him to be able to report back to Don.

Taking offense to that, Liz tells him off and I notice two things. The first is that I’m sure Aya Sumika is skinnier than last year and I didn’t think that was possible without some star holding a telethon. The second thing is that she’s showing her midriff. Okay, I understand that Hollywood has a slightly different dress code than most places but it always bugs me when wardrobe people put intelligent, professional woman in clothes like that. It’s my own personal pet peeve and it’s definitely something I’m not thankful for.

Inside, Colby and Liz meet the movie star, his head of security, Logan and his best friend, Josh. I’m a little surprised that Josh bears a striking resemblance to a younger Peter MacNicol – if Peter MacNicol were a stoned loser. The people on screen are shocked at the idea of a dead girl in the bathtub but if you got hit in the head with an anvil here, then it’s a pretty large anvil. I got hit with it too.

Next, we get a big sob story about Chandler’s life. He shares everything with everyone because his brother, Bryan was killed in a carjacking before Brett made it big. Because of this, Brett now lets people mooch off him. What was that? I just got hit with another anvil. Subtlety is not the theme in this eppesode.

Being all polite and cooperative, Brett offers the Fedcamkes anything they need. It’s good for him because he’s going to be playing a DEA agent in his next film. I can barely buy this guy as skinny twerp. I’d outright laugh at him as a DEA Agent. I know, I know, this is Hollywood and I need to suspend my disbelief but I’m having trouble. The belief that one day I’ll get a shout out isdelusional but it’s about as far as I can stretch it. This dude is well past my believability line.

La Maison d’Eppes: It’s the first appearance of the best supporting prop, the lime green fluted bowl. What exactly is it supporting in this scene? It’s helping a very embarrassed Amita try to explain to Alan why she has a key to la Maison d’Eppes. Really, all she needs to say is “I promise one day to give you grandchildren” and all will be forgiven.

Before things can get too awkward, Charlie arrives. He’s been cleaning the garage, the fish tank and doing all sorts of nesting behaviours. Is Charlie pregnant? That would totally solve Alan’s desire for grandchildren! I’m not even delving into the fanfiction at this point.

Nope, he’s just procrastinating. His old friendship paper was accepted for publication and he wants to make it more relevant. Really, “more relevant” is a euphemism; he’s just suffering from perfectionism issues. My inner academic wants to hug this academic. Now, I know I would offer to hug him anytime, but this is slightly different. I totally understand how he’s feeling. I would spend weeks writing and revising papers in university. Hell, when I write these recaps they consume me for nearly 24 hours. I completely understand where he’s coming from.

While Amita’s trying to convince him that everything is fine (trust me Amita that never works for us perfectionists) Charlie finds another new distraction. Looking at the giant rock in the fish tank, Charlie realizes he can tell Don the exact size of the killer through calculating water displacement. I would just like to cry foul now. I mean, sure Charlie can calculate an approximate volume, but what if the killer was a 4-foot, 300 pound munchkin?

IHOF: After confirming that they still can’t find the dude who shot the video, leading me to take back any earlier statement I made about PR not jumping into full damage control mode, Megan turns the conversation to Colby. I’m not certain if she’s curious as to why Don let him work this case, or whether or not she’s trying to ascertain if he thinks Colby is a hero. This is another thing I’m not thankful for in this eppesode. The words “hero” and “Colby” are tossed around a few times and the question as to his heroic status isn’t what is being debated. The dichotomy is whether or not the hero is trustworthy to the people he’s lied to for two years. Even though it was for a good cause and not because I now have to apologize for every time I called him an idiot the Fedcakes and I aren’t certain where to categorize Colby yet.

David’s clearly back on his research horse, as he found Andrea Barton’s surgeon, Dr. Jacobson.

Chandler’s: In the spirit of procrastination, Charlie’s picked up Larry to help him with the water displacement experiment. Larry is less than impressed by Brett’s house, and I’m guessing that’s because it can’t compete with outer space. “This tempts me not,” he muses. I love Larry most when he’s musing even though he changes his mind the second he sees the big bathtub.

In case we needed further proof Brett is really an asshole in disguise, he mocks the idea of solving crimes with math. “How’s that supposed to work?”

While I’m initially annoyed, Chandler also declares the whole experiment to find the killer’s volume not cool, I remember that this really is just procrastination on Charlie’s part. Instead, I smirk at the silly props (including a big ass funnel) they have to use and the combined power of their brains focused on how quickly towels dry.

Nip/Tuck: David and Megan learn that the plastic surgeon made two women, Andrea and Tracy, to be identical. “The twins,” he calls them.

IHOF: David’s learned that the “twins” both had their surgeries paid for by Leslie Dennis – who Liz recognizes as the “Melrose Madam.” You know, earlier I mused that I hoped this wasn’t going to be the same solution as Shark but plastic surgery and sex seems to be this week’s CBS mystery theme. I notice that once a year several of the CBS mystery shows all have similar storylines within a week’s time period. You’d think somebody would be paying attention to these things in programming.

And I didn’t think it was possible to beat the Amita and Alan scene from earlier in terms of awkward, but it can be done, in our first official Rosencrantz and Guildenstern scene of the year. Colby tries to thank David for saving his life, but David blows him off. “Two years not knowing who your best friend really is, what’s weird about that?” Ouch.

David may understand that Colby’s a hero; he’s just not sure he’s his friend.

Cal Sci: Amita arrives to call Charlie’s bluff on the whole displacement math and ask about the friendship dynamics. Larry’s musing again, this time on atomic connections, but really, it’s just a filler scene before we get back to the case.

Melrose Madam’s: Megan and David aren’t there to arrest Ms. Dennis. No, they’re there to find out that the anvil that hit all of us on the head earlier was in fact, a real anvil, and not a red herring. Well, Brett and his entourage did lie about Tracy. She and Andrea were regulars.

IHOF: Colby’s brought the entourage to the IHOF and they all believe they’re there for research. Hee! At no point did they actually think they were going to be interviewed about the dead girl in Brett’s house. Even after they’re all shepherded into interrogation, they still don’t get a clue. Collectively these guys have the intelligence I credited Colby with the last two years.

Once confronted with the evidence, Brett admits that he knew the hooker but didn’t want to admit it to the FBI. Yes, because Hollywood stars have never been caught with hookers before? By the way, on a side note, did you all know October is Sarcasm Awareness Month? For some strange reason I was compelled to mention that after the hooker sentence.

I’m not sure why it took me this long or what twigged with me in this scene but I finally recognize Brett Chandler as Pyro from the >X-Men movies. Actually, I’m lying. I know exactly why it took me this long. Anything that stars Hugh Jackman totally prevents me from noticing other actors exist. It also increases my squee output to the same level as an angst-filled eppesode.

Chandler was mocking Charlie for his equations but the joke’s on Brett as the killer is much larger than average. Again, why doesn’t anyone look for morbidly obese munchkins?

Anyway, Logan, the only tall one in the group, readily admits that he was in the tub, but not killing her. He was in love with Tracy. Sorry buddy, if the water calculations fit…

Logan’s pulled out of the interview with all the standard clichés about lawyers and warrants. Usually, I’d be okay with it, but since it isn’t a lawyer who pulls Logan out, I’m a little shocked that Don let him go. Since when did members of an entourage get that level of power?

Liz’s: In what is totally a misleading scene, the only one to wander around half naked is Liz her bra and somehow Don manages to stay totally clothed. Not fair cool. They bicker about whether or not Liz should report on Colby. As Don storms from the room, Logan calls freaking out about how everything will “come apart” if he talks and asks her to meet him. If only Logan knew how Liz was dressed for the entire scene the question would be more like “What are you wearing?”

Meeting Place: Well, I hope Logan meant what he said about Tracy as he’s gone to join her in the afterlife. He’s been shot through the head so I hope Tracy doesn’t mind the bloody ghost.

Later, while investigating, Colby’s rankled that Liz didn’t call him when Logan called and demands an explanation. “Because I was with Don,” Liz replies. Awkward, as in it's this week's NPAL™. Watching Colby and Liz squirm is painful. Fortunately, the moment passes when they realize they can now get access to Brett’s house as it was Logan’s legal address.

Chandler’s: While going through Logan’s personal effects, Brett comes in to try and ingratiate himself with Liz and Colby. They don’t buy a word of his “first my brother now this” routine.

Once Brett leaves, Colby finds that Logan was e-mailing large files to “love-2-love@melrosemadam.com.” I’m very sad that they didn’t put a fake e-mail address for me on his computer for my shout out. I mean, it’s the perfect opportunity without being too obvious.

La Maison d’Eppes: Colby and Liz have taken over Logan’s computer for Amita to mess with. Again, we have a whole “Colby’s a hero” thing with both Charlie and Alan but again, no one is debating the hero part so would you please stop telling me this!

What Logan was emailing were large files of unreleased film. Somehow, I don’t think out Fedcakes are the part of the FBI that deal with the warnings at the beginning of all DVDs. Although, if I was promised the full Fedcake team – resplendent in riot gear – I would so start my own pirating industry.

In this case, the original source for the movie was Brett Chandler. Movie stars making sure their movies are leaked? I thought only Paris Hilton did that.

Melrose Madam’s: Okay, the convoluted list of suspects is starting to get on my nerves as now we’re suspecting the Melrose Madam in her own pirating business? I mean, I know there have been female pirates in the past and if this woman is a Pastafarian I support her and her religious views, but come on. First she’s arrested for tax evasion while pimping out young women – is able to keep her prostitution ring going after being arrested but the FBI is going after her for pirating DVDs? Did I miss the legalization of female exploitation?

She folds when her pro business is threatened and sends David and Megan to a club called Bedouin, which is run by Kevin and Bryce Lee.

Bedouin: Okay, David wins the cuteness award for the eppesode with his crack about taking Megan the hottest places. Megan’s more concerned with his relationship with Colby. Again, as much as I love Megan, I’m still siding with David. I’m sure his treatment of Colby is based on research and long hours where he exposits his feelings. Again, who couldn’t trust David’s opinion?

As for the case, David’s suspicious when the alcohol is being removed from the club and not by the standard way of underage drinkers. Checking one of the boxes, he finds pirated movies, just as one of the suspects arrives. Before they can arrest him, the suspect’s brother starts firing. Now finally they’re acting like proper pirates!

One of the brother’s is killed before the other is taken back to the IHOF for questioning.

IHOF: The pirate isn’t very pirate-y as he folds under like two seconds of interrogation. The pirate paid the Melrose Madam girls 5000 a movie they could steal from the homes of movie stars. Tracy was his biggest earner because she had leverage; he just didn’t know what the leverage was.

Charlie uses another audience-vision analogy, a jackal and a lion, to explain the point of blackmail. Charlie, I love you but I didn’t need the analogy. We all understand how blackmail works and that there’s clearly more to the story. It’s really just filler until Colby arrives with news that they found the kid, Pete, who filmed the dead naked chick.

Pete’s all “Dude, dead naked chick, not cool” and explains how Brett’s entourage cleaned up the mess without telling the movie star. Also, it was Pete’s conscience that led him to send in the tape and to foreshadow that something darker is going on in Brett’s house. Again, what’s with telling us stuff we already know?

Math Garage: Okay, the whole Amita nagging Charlie over working on the paper thing: love it! The weird t-shirt thing this season, not so much love there on my end.

I’m going to briefly summarize this scene as even I find the math in it a little hinky and I’m not known for my mathematical prowess. I would like to be known for my mathematician prowess. Essentially, by substituting Andrea for Tracy, the scheme is worked out. I’d like to know how Charlie can know so much about that variable to accurately calculate anything. I mean, I give him credit for being brilliant with numbers, but with people, I’m still withholding judgment. The most believable part of the math is that it is David that comes up with the idea of switching the girls.

Melrose Madam: Andrea Barton is not only a glaring error in math but also a glaring error as a human being. She’s all smug when David and Megan go and pick her up. You know, a decent person might’ve helped. Whatever happened to the hooker with the heart of gold archetype?

IHOF: Andrea totally blows off Tracy’s death. Yes, they weren’t actually twins, but the woman has no problem dismissing another human being’s death. She even tries to blackmail the Fedcakes but Don one-ups her. Either she tells them what she knows or she gets charged as an accessory. It’s better than the other option.

Andrea tells us what we’ve already figured out – a theme in this eppesode – that Brett’s brother, Bryan, wasn’t really killed in a carjacking.

Chandler’s: Liz and Colby confront Brett. At first he tries to deny all involvement in his brother’s death but the Fedcakes have found evidence of witness collusion in the statements.

The whole blackmail / murder scheme was started with a dumb drunken accident. After landing his first role, he was horsing around; playing with gun and it went off, killing his brother. Andrea wasn’t the only one blackmailing Brett. His entourage used Bryan’s death to mooch off Brett throughout his career. It was fear of losing his free ride that had Logan all scared earlier.

With that, Brett realizes that his friend Mark, the one that pulled Logan out of the interview, was the one that killed both victims. “You son of a bitch,” Brett yells at mark, “You killed Logan!’ Oh my god, someone killed Wolverine! Sorry, honest mistake when Pyro’s in the scene talking about Logan.

Mark jumps off the balcony. The only reason I think he doesn’t break something in the fall as it gives us a reason to drool over the next scene – the chase scene involving Colby. Ah, Colby running. It’s totally one of the highlights of last season.

After an all-too-brief chase scene, Mark falls backwards into the pool after being shot by Liz. This scene was also way too short, as Colby jumped in the pool to pull Mark out and I didn’t get to see Colby climb out of the pool soaking wet. That's the second time I've been denied hot Fedcake bodies in this eppesode!

IHOF: Liz confirms that they have all the evidence they need against Mark, and Brett does the perp-walk through the bullpen. He’s under arrest for Bryan’s death, but knew nothing about the blackmail. I guess my earlier Paris Hilton comment was correct.

Don hands Colby a letter from the director’s office. As Colby opens it, David confesses that what’s bothering him isn’t that he suspected Colby of being a spy, but that he feels he never really knew his best friend.

By the way, if anybody cares, I totally think the letter said this:

Dear Agent Granger,
After careful consideration, we cannot find another Fedcake team that is up to your level of hotness. Therefore, you will have to stay with your current team to prevent there from being an unbalanced level of hotness within any team we place you.
Sincerely, Giny L. Spoatheir, HR Director (Hotness Resources)

La Maison d’Eppes: Larry, Alan and Amita are heading out to dinner at the monastery, to learn more about Larry’s odd accommodation and invite along Don and Liz. Don’s less than thrilled at the prospect as I’m sure he expected to get some had other plans but is eventually persuaded by Liz. I think it’s cute that he’s the boss at work but they’re equal in the relationship.

Amita heads off to get Charlie only to find him where all procrastinators are at the 11th hour, working diligently on his paper. He knows what he wants to say about friendship and how it jibes with the math.

Amita glances at the board to see a reference to Romeo and Juliet about how the lovers were both out of touch with their feelings and leaves him to his work. Hey? What was that, another anvil? I’m not sure as this one just missed me but could there be a hint of trouble for the show’s main couple? Is this quote foreshadowing something? Could I just grasping at straws just to stir up suspicions?

Important Recapper Note: Next Friday’s eppesode will air on my birthday. It’s a really big birthday this year. I’m expecting a shout out as a present. Or cookies, but only as a last resort, I'd rather have the shout out.