Numb3rs: Velocity (Episode 403)

The Espresso Way: As much as I love my caffeine (me decaffeinated is a truly terrifying sight to behold) this is one coffee shop I intend to avoid. After just 1:31, I don’t think I want to follow the ways of the Espresso:
1) The way of the Espresso is not to stop at the place on the road where it clearly says “stop.”
2) Wearing practically no clothing, the way of the Espresso is to surreptitiously film other people.
3) The way of the Espresso is to leave your child (in a stroller) in the middle of a sidewalk while you talk about how cute your child is.
4) The way of the Espresso is to drink a lot of coffee even though the words “fair trade” appear nowhere in the shop.
5) The way of the Espresso is to stop and chat when making deliveries. Okay, I guess this one is the one nice one.
6) The way of the Espresso is to crash into a coffee shop while drag racing.
7) The way of the Espresso after obviously leaving the baby in the way of the oncoming traffic is not for the mother to try to save the kid, but the magazine stand attendant to not only save the kid but also die in the process.
8) The way of the Espresso is to leave poor Luke Girardi alone, even through he is injured and bleeding after climbing out of the car. I don’t care what the character’s name is; he will always be Luke Girardi to me. Wait a minute! I get it now! The whole “left alone and bleeding” thing is supposed to be symbolic. Of what you ask? What CBS did to this poor guy’s career after cancelling Joan of Arcadia! Come on development people; give this guy his own show!

After seeing the way of the espresso, I’m so sticking with my Chai Tea Lattes, with the occasional Café Mocha thrown in for variety. Clearly the Espresso Way is too dangerous. In fact, from now on, I’m going to assume that espresso = evil. I’m sure Charlie could come up with an equation to justify it. Although, Charlie doesn’t need an equation, since I already the Caffeine Terror Alert Scale from “Soft Target” already justified it for me.

IHOF: Colby’s just had all of his stuff returned to him, since it had all previously been seized as evidence. Speaking of receiving stuff, Megan’s brought Colby a cup of coffee (not espresso) to make up for David still giving him the cold shoulder. Okay, If we have another week of “Colby=hero” and David comes off as cold and guilty, I’m going to be very angry. This eppesode was aired on my birthday and if I can’t get a shout out, I’m declaring it “be kind to David day.” In fact, I’m making it as official a declaration as possible!

(“As possible” a phrase which here means: you don’t have to do it, but it does give you an excuse to drink.)

Apparently, I’m not even getting that birthday wish as it’s “feel sorry for the hero day” because one important thing is missing from Colby’s personal items, a “woolly bugger.” Oh the places my mind could go with that phrase but before I get the chance to go there, Colby’s already told us it’s a fishing lure that was made for him by his father. *Sniff.*

He’s also missing a paperweight but since it wasn’t given to him by his Great Aunt Gertrude, I don’t give a crap.

Apparently, somebody missed my memo about being kind to David because while Colby’s getting all sentimental over a fishing lure, David interrupts to tell everyone about the accident. The Fedcakes can get involved as the car in the crash had something to do with stolen cars, but again, who needs a justification? It’s their show, if they want to investigate a purse-snatching run awry, allowing the agents to run all over Los Angeles in riot gear while chasing the perp, I’ll buy it, particularly if it involves running and riot gear.

The Espresso Way: At the remains of the really cool car crash special effect of the coffee shop, David tells us that the driver was 17 year-old Kyle Clifford.

The car is clearly meant for racing and Luke didn’t have the proper license, or technically own the vehicle. I so hope an annoying little girl with a weird dress sense told him to do it, otherwise he’s screwed. The rest of the coffee shop patrons give the story of chaos and mayhem (which is so the name of the hard rock band some pseudo-punk is creating in their basement) but it’s early on in the eppesode, somebody has to be lying their face off.

Charlie arrives to help with “motives, skid marks and trajectories.” Actually, I think Megan should be dealing with the first one Charlie can deal with the other two.

Hospital: Luke Girardi isn’t waking up and there’s some other guy claiming to be his father that isn’t Will Girardi. As if his day wasn’t bad enough, he’s suffering from two sets of injuries. The first set is from the accident; the second set is from after the accident when one of the witnesses kicked him in the head.

Title Flash.

IHOF: Megan’s figuring everyone at the scene was all for beating Luke Girardi about the head which is why no one is talking. The people at the scene also don’t have the benefit of knowing what a good kid he is in real life, even if he did do something stupid like race. She even theorizes that there’s a second vehicle no one noticed as they were hauling ass to get away from the first one.

La Maison d’Eppes: Yeah, remember what I said about the Colby-hero thing? Yeah, somebody missed that memo as we get to hear all Alan and Charlie fawn all over Colby and his FBI Medal or Meritorious Conduct. Sure, Don snarks, Charlie can tell us about Colby’s medal, but more importantly, can he spell it? Okay, maybe that’s what I wish would happen. Don’t a far better person than me and he changes the subject to the letter Charlie is reading.

Charlie’s been offered the opportunity to write a self-help book using his friendship dynamics math. There are so many ways I could go with that joke that I’m literally stumped to pick just one. Adorkable Charlie writing a self-help book? In fact, I’m so inspired by that concept that I think I’m going to ghostwrite it for him.

He sees it as a chance to make everyone read a Math Book. I see it as the opportunity to discover new levels of humour never before mined by Stewart/Colbert (I’m not implying anything with the slash there) hour on Comedy Central. I also wonder how this scene was possible without one appearance of the Lime Green Bowl. Charlie was reading mail! It’s an excellent opportunity for the bowl to support him since it’s already been established that the mail is kept in the bowl.

IHOF: I’m completely ignoring this scene as it’s just telling us about the street racing in the neighbourhood of Espresso Way and how Colby’s all willing to help out. Why am I ignoring it? David’s cold-shoulder routine. I refuse to be mean to him on this day of all days. Yeah, I’ve never been that good at ignoring things that bother me.

Espresso Way: David asks the delivery guy for help. If it weren’t for the fact that it’s so out of place that it must be significant later, I’d also ignore this scene.

Cal Sci: Charlie teases Larry about being the old wise man coming down from the mountain. Larry answers in a very Larry-like fashion only to have Amita change the subject. Just to prove it’s possible, Amita does have her uses – like when she’s correcting Charlie’s social errors. I guess that fact shouldn’t be included in the “about the author” section of the friendship dynamics book.

Charlie tries to convince Larry to help with the case, but between meditation and pond maintenance and garden duty, he’s too busy. I’m wondering if we’re going to get a shot of Larry in hip-waders. (Maybe he stole Colby’s fishing lure?) He does give them a name, Raymond Galuski in mechanical engineering.

Engineering: Ray Galuski is two things 1) he likes shit that blows up 2) he’s awesome. I know some people loathe him but this is a character that people feel passionately about. People love him or hate him. I’m going for the love-love on Ray-Ray (not like that). Why? Ray-Ray is as passionate about his job-job as Charlie is about math. I also love him because he says the things we know we shouldn’t say for us because it would hurt someone’s feelings or we forgive certain flaws. In other words, at times he behaves like a really snarky recapper.

IHOF: Colby is trying to ingratiate himself to David by finding some information about the area of the crash. It’s popular for street-racers as they keep vandalizing the traffic cameras. It earns some begrudging gratitude but Guildenstern pushes it too far by asking Rosencrantz to go on a stakeout of the area with him. Don pulls Colby’s ass out of awkward-ville by taking the stakeout duty instead.

Stakeout: Don and Colby alone, at night, in a car. There fanfic writers, consider this my birthday prompt for you.

Don’s obviously been taking pages from Charlie’s other self-help book How to Start a Conversation as Geekily as Possibly by trying to engage Colby in a discussion on the first speed camera.

Colby’s more focused on how everyone (a word which here means David) hates him for lying and how he wishes he had a regular bureau job. He even tries fishing for an invite back to the team. Yeah, Colby, you’ve lost your fishing lure, remember? I was so hoping Don would say something here as it would’ve been this week’s NPAL™ no matter what he said, considering the awkwardness of the whole conversation.

Fortunately, somebody’s trying to mess with the speed camera again, so Don and Colby not only get the culprit, but also get to witness an actual race.

IHOF: The kid committing the vandalism doesn’t know who Luke Girardi was racing, but agrees to give David the names of everyone he knows involved in the circuit. He acts like it’s out of guilt for the death of the magazine seller; but really, we all know the real reason.

Math Garage: Attempting to recreate the accident was a “craptastic” failure, according to Ray-Ray. He earns more affection from me by saying Alan has “deep and profound common sense.”

Charlie tries to explain what Ray-Ray is doing-doing in the Math Garage with another slo-mo audience vision. Okay, I love my math analogies, but the slo-mo Charlie has to go. Eventually, they figure out that the car must’ve been 260 pounds heavier than first reported. The problem is where did the 260 lbs go?

IHOF: David gives us a little bit on information about the lost fishing lure. It’s so important because Colby’s dad made it and he died when Colby was 15. You see, this is exactly why I love David. He remembers the important tidbits about your life. He does his research and talks things over before acting. He takes it personally when he’s betrayed because he would never betray a friend. Don and Colby I may drool after but if I was looking for someone to be the guy I hang out with, David’s my man. In real life, David would totally be my pal.

Ray-Ray and Charlie tell Megan about the weight discrepancy in the car. This leads to theories about Luke Girardi not being the real driver and Ray-Ray to lower-lower his voice to sound manlier to Megan.

Cal Sci: Speaking of women who could kick ass, Amita’s kicking Larry’s in the non-contact sport of chess. Larry blames his loss on “other things keep thinking me,” and I wonder what the monks are smoking around him.

As for Alan’s presence at Cal Sci, he’s there to return something of Amita’s that she’d left strewn on the hallway floor. She apologizes for being a slob which leads us into this week’s NPAL™, Alan’s reply. “We’re all adults. When I was your age I was married and I already had a kid.”

There are just some things one doesn’t say to unmarried women and this is one of them. In fact, I was so hoping Amita would turn around and snark, “So Alan, how is your invisible girlfriend, Millie? We’re all adults so you can tell me.” Instead she asks about the good ship Megan/Larry. Larry thinks they’re fine. Someone needs to tell him that Ray-Ray is wanting aboard.

Evidence: The lab tech’s discovered that the grill of the car was involved in another accident, three years previously. It killed a couple and this is the first break on the case. In other words, this scene is simply to remind us how dangerous street racing is. That’s okay, I love my Matrix, but I don’t think it’s up for the Indy.

IHOF: Ray-Ray’s brought some evidence up to the office, and is surprised that Megan knows what it is. (It’s a differential. I don’t know what it is but Megan does, which totally gives Ray-Ray a hard-hard.) Someone needs to tell him that Larry’s 1931 Ford was the initial contact point in the good ship Megan/Larry.

The differential, which stops my Matrix from fishtailing when I’m trying to beat soccer moms out of the grocery store parking lot, has an adjustment that is only available in a few places. Of course Ray-Ray knows where those place are, which makes Megan smile. Okay, I love Megan and Larry, but Ray-Ray’s instant crush-crush on Megan is just another reason to love the guy.

Shop: As soon as David and Ray-Ray get the auto technician to agree to sell them the fishtail-thingy (technical term) the tech runs. Once David catches him, Ray-Ray berates him, “You idiot! Who runs from the FBI? Where are you gonna go?” See, he says what we’re all thinking.

The auto tech does recognize Luke Girardi as someone to whom he’s sold the fishtail-thingy.

Hospital: Not Will Girardi is insisting Luke is a good kid. He insists there’s more to the story if people just looked into it. I’ve suddenly figured out who this guy really is!

IHOF: Colby’s still trying to ingratiate himself with David by doing more research. Unfortunately, only Megan’s around to impress so he shows her that someone’s posted a video of the accident online.

Nitro Girl’s: I’m assuming “Nitro Girl” is either her handle or her rejected X-Man name. It’s the girl from the Espresso Way that was surreptitiously filming the street. Megan and Colby arrest her for the crime of being an insensitive waste of human flesh.

IHOF: The film footage proves that Luke Girardi was stuck in the trunk and that there was a second person, the real driver. There’s apparently some ritual called “Trunking” which puts a newbie driver in the trunk for a race. I thought they’d totally made up the idea because I believed no one would be that stupid. I googled it only to learn that Darwinism so isn’t working.

Thanks to “Amita’s Enhancement Algorithms” which so sounds dirtier than it really is, David recognizes the driver as one of the auto tech from earlier.

Math Garage: Ray-Ray’s frustrated because of Megan as he can’t recreate the crash. They figure that there must’ve been a quick tap between the crashed car and another vehicle. Alan’s amazed by the newfangled technology and equally impressed with human ingenuity. Appreciating the though process, Ray-Ray asks Alan to sit in on his newest seminar.

Alan scoffs, claiming he’s too old but Ray-Ray persists saying that he was a mechanic and didn’t start college before he was 30. “Where wouldn’t you be older than most other people, a rest home?” Ray-Ray asks. He means it as a compliment that Alan is capable of learning new things. Neither Alan, Charlie nor a good portion of the fandom see it that way, which is their prerogative, but really, isn’t it true? We wouldn’t say it in polite company but it doesn’t make it any less true. Also, be honest, didn’t you just snicker, a little, at Alan’s expression?

IHOF: The auto tech is gone but Luke Girardi is awake! It’s a miracle!

Hospital: Luke uses the typical teen excuse of “it looked like fun” for his involvement in an illegal street racing circuit. I’m wondering why teens are always portrayed without any common sense? He knows nothing about the crash or who kicked him in the head.

IHOF: Colby’s investigating the hit-and-run from three years previously, when really, the scene’s entire purpose is to allow Colby to explain himself. Either that or the scene’s entire purpose is to allow Colby to talk about himself. Again, it’s not that I dislike Colby. I completely agree with him being a hero, but he needs to understand that David thought he was his best friend. That level of betrayal, no matter what the reason, is something no one has to get over in one or two eppesodes.

David doesn’t want to hear about it, and doesn’t engage Colby in the conversation. Instead, he turns to the actual case, which allows Colby to demonstrate exactly how much he has learned from the exposition master. The couple had an anonymous donation made in their names after they died and someone keeps leaving them flowers. In other words, the killer is still feeling guilty.

Street Racing Central: How could we have an eppesode about street racing and not have a car chase? Well, here it is! Once David and Don try to arrest the auto tech and the vandal from earlier, the auto tech takes off with Don in hot pursuit. Yes, I meant that as a double entendre. It ends with a game of chicken and because Don doesn’t have a death wish, the auto tech gets away.

Math Garage: The math proves it! Ray-Ray and Charlie’s theory about a second vehicle is correct.

IHOF: Don and Megan show the vandal the recreation of the accident, which gets him to admit his complicity in the accident, but he has no idea where the auto tech is. Interviewing really isn’t doing much in this eppesode. Really, this case is being solved slowly by math and Colby.

Later, Larry’s arrived to help with the boot print. To be honest, what’s more interesting is Megan’s less than honest response to Larry’s question about meditation. Please don’t tell me there’s a hole in this ship.

Cal Sci: Colby’s gone to Charlie for help. “Secret Spy Stuff” Charlie snarks. Now, how difficult would it have been to have Charlie say “Secret Original Spy stuff?”

Colby’s hoping that the connection between the grill that killed the couple and the current case are connected. Charlie’s thrilled to help, and suggests more data might be the key. It’s a great scene which is a good juxtaposition to Charlie’s dealings with Colby last year, when he explained things using very small words. I like this version of implying that Colby’s now version 2.0 not the constant DO YOU UNDERSTAND HE’S A HERO being thrust in our faces.

Alley: The auto tech guy has just gone to the big garage in the sky. I’m sure there’s a country and western classic about that. The only important detail is that the same pair of boots kicked in both Luke Girardi’s and the auto tech’s head. Those boots were made for stomping and that’s just what they’ll do.

IHOF: The Fedcakes are still working all angles but aren’t sure how everything’s connected.

Cal Sci: Speaking of angles, Ray-Ray is teaching Larry how to properly throw-throw darts-darts. Larry completely misses the dartboard and I’m wondering if this is symbolic of future a Ray-Ray / Megan / Larry love triangle. Symbolic how, I’m not certain, but I’ll put more thought into it if Ray-Ray comes back-back.

They talk briefly about Larry’s car and Ray-Ray is nice-nice enough not to mention that he’d really like to see-see the back seat with Larry’s girlfriend.

Back to the boot prints, Charlie and Amita have discovered who is responsible for stomping on the street racers’ heads.

IHOF: Megan’s trying to wring blood from a stone as the vandal really does know very little. All he knows is that the dead auto tech liked to race by people he knew and he knew someone at The Espresso Way. The one dude he used to drive by at the coffee shop once tried to get him out of street racing.

Colby’s also managed to find that the murder grill belonged to another known street racer.

Espresso Way: David’s interviewing another witness who probably saw who beat up Luke Girardi. Essentially, it’s a pointless scene but just included to give David more screen time, since it is “Be Kind to David Day.”

IHOF/Espresso Way: At the same time, Megan, Colby and David have found out that it is the delivery guy from the start of this eppesode. David once asked for this guy’s help, and apparently, this guy didn’t think confessing to crime was particularly helpful.

Church: On the other hand, he found it very useful to confess to his crimes at church. He comes quietly when David and Megan arrest him.

IHOF: Proving confession’s good for the soul, the delivery guy talks about hitting the couple three years ago, and selling his car to make a donation in their names. He also confesses to beating Luke Girardi and killing the auto tech.

I could totally make a big deal about this allegedly religious man and his methods of exacting justice, but his noodliness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and my deity of choice, says that maybe I shouldn’t mock others’ beliefs – even if they’re assholes wrapped up in the cloak of righteousness.

Later, Colby and Don talk in the break room. Colby wants to stay with the Fedcakes because he’s realized that anywhere else would destroy the balance of hotness and Don asks him the most important question to determine if Colby is worthy of staying with the team.

Sure now of Colby’s desire to stay, Don promises to check into it. As Colby goes back to his desk, he sees David leaving him something. It’s his fishing lure. All right, in all honesty, I don’t know if it really is the fishing lure his father made him, or if David made him a new one. I don’t really care. If you didn’t squee at that peace offering – despite everything, David’s willing to give Colby another chance – that’s all right. I squeed enough for everyone.

Cal Sci: Charlie’s espousing how will take less time to finish his self-help book than I did writing this recap. That’s all right for Don as he wasn’t really paying attention; he was looking at the hot college girls. Again, I think someone’s trying to give me apoplexy about the state of our couples on this show. Never mind that David’s yet to once mention Claudia this season.

Charlie does get a blow to his ego as Alan is finally taking a class at Cal Sci – Ray-Ray’s class-class. Alan is like almost every other guy I know and would much rather build lasers and robots than work on century-old math problems.
As the eppesode ends with Alan’s new adventures in college life, we’re all wondering about the state of some relationships, the team’s future and where this season is going. Of course, I, being the astute viewer I am, have one final question.

See you all on October 12, 2008 for the second annual “Be Kind to David Day.”