Smallville - Fierce (Episode 703)

It's the Smallville Harvest Festival, and as Clark and Kara unload corn from the back of the truck, Kara whines that she's been stuck on the farm for a week with nothing for company but Project Runway and Beauty and the Geek. She's had nothing but Bravo and The CW? That is sad. Of course, there are better shows on both networks, but there's no accounting for taste. Kara thinks it's a waste of time to be hangin' with the harvest hicks when she could be out looking for her missing Crystal of Doom. Clark puts the ixnay on the lyingfay, and tells her to concentrate on fitting in, not standing out.

Kara catches a glimpse of Jimmy snapping pictures, and her eyes get all hot. Clark calms her down before she can send the place up in flames, but he reassures her that he once went through puberty too. Ah, memories. Of course, Clark was in a sex ed class with an uber-hot, half naked teacher juiced up on krypto-pheromones, while Kara sees only Aaron Ashmore, fully clothed...in Jimmy Olsen's costume. Not that Ashmore isn't a cutie, but come on.

Eyejaculation material?

The emcee announces the unveiling of a 100-year old time capsule which will be opened later as part of the festivities. Apparently, local legend has it that an outlaw robbed a train, buried the treasure somewhere in Smallville, and placed the treasure map inside the time capsule, which...would be a really retarded thing for an actual thief to do. Turns out that's not actually the case, but the Smallfolk don't know that. Colony of MENSA, these people.

Suddenly, up zooms a convertible 'stang containing three vixens who disembark and strut, uh, "fiercely" toward the camera: a Fierce Brunette, a Fierce Blonde, and a Fierce But Vacant-Expressed Tyra Banks Lookalike who walks like her spine is made of spaghetti. Guess which one was America's Next Top Diva? Thank you, episode title, for reminding me that corporate synergy is evil. Jimmy snaps pictures of them as they part the crowd to sign up for the Miss Sweet Corn Pageant, which is apparently part of the Smallville Harvest festivities. Sure, why not? No better way to celebrate harvest than to compare women who have all the curvature of a corn stalk. Someone passes a pageant flyer to Kara, who decides entering the pageant would be a fun way to "fit in." At least, unlike our "fierce" guest stars, she's got the hang of local fashion.

Flannel 101: It's not just for farmboys anymore.

After the credits, Clark works on a tractor in the barn. Shelby the dog joins him, and they comiserate over being kicked out of the house by Kara's inner diva. Shelby begins barking at someone behind Clark, who Clark assumes is Kara until he turns around to find...Lana. Clark: "OMG, you are not dead! What am I going to angst about all season?" Lana: "I have faith in you." Actually, they say nothing at all, and there's a nice moment from Welling where Clark clearly doesn't trust his own eyes. They hug.

Fierce Blonde struts the Smallville streets alone, talking on her cell to her honey. She's fed up with the others calling the shots, and she plans to scoop them on all the money and elope to Cabo with him. She enters a florist, frames herself perfectly in the window, and...it freezes over. One assumes her "assets" do the same.

In the Kent living room, Clark and Lana sit on the couch having the obligatory "I never wanted to hurt you" talk. Clark can't wait to tell Chloe Lana's alive, but Lana insists on telling no one until her name is cleared. You know, because Chloe is never trustworthy (let alone useful) in situations like this. Kara enters in a red string bikini, balancing a book on her head. (Okay, hee.)

Pay no attention to the half-naked hot chick!

Clark hastily explains that the scantily-clad hottie is his cousin, and Lana gives her a big smile. Clark nervously suggests Kara find a way to fit in that involves more clothes, and Kara superspeeds to the other side of the room, where she sports a pair of jeans and a white button-up shirt. Wow, covert ops is definitely not her forte. Lana jokes that she now knows "what side of the family" Kara comes from, and excuses herself to let them chat.

Clark chides that entering a beauty pageant is the opposite of fitting in, but Kara pouts that she spent her "best years" in a cryogenic coffin, and she should be allowed to express herself. Clark insists that if she's going to do this, she must at least learn to control her powers first.

Out in the barn, Clark sets a small watermelon on a hay bale, explaining that Kara needs practice in order to hone and control her abilities. Kara snarks that he should get back to her when he can fly. Heh. There's been a flying joke in all three episodes so far this season. If they're gonna load that gun, it had better go off eventually, is all I'm sayin'. Clark demonstrates Heat Vision Precision by burning a smiley face into the watermelon. Not to be patronized, on Kara's turn, she intentionally blows the melon to smithereens. Pissed, Clark yells that she's not ready, but Kara snits that she'll "fit in" in her own way. By flambeing innocent fruits? Watch out, Lex!

On the other hand, it's good practice for Halloween.

At the all-purpose Talon, women in front of make-up mirrors get ready for the pageant. Kara struggles with her lipstick, unsure about coloring and technique. This would be a bit more effective if her eye make-up didn't look amazing. She overhears Fierce Brunette and Eva the Diva discuss the absence of Fierce Blonde, and EtD confides that she "took care" of the problem. Kara inexplicably finds this a great opening to ask these friendly people for help, but Fierce Brunette gives her a once-over and sneers that Kara needs help with more than her make-up.

Kara leaves sadly, but out in the alleyway behind the Talon, she spies the frozen florist window. She wipes away a circle of frost to see Fierce Blonde, uh, chilling out. Permanently.

Luthorcorp. G-Man enters Lex's office to find him fingering his wedding band again. Agent Carter, as Lex calls him, muses that it must be a relief to be exonerated in the death of his wife. Lex minces no words in informing Carter that he knows the Department of Homeland Domestic Security found the spaceship, but that they're also still combing the area looking for its occupant. Carter produces Lex's sketch of Medusa!Kara, claiming that the government is interested in finding her because Lex is.

At the Planet, Chloe welcomes Jimmy back from his Save the Polar Bears assignment in Alaska or wherever the fuck, and he presents her with a photo of Fierce Blonde Popsicle. Even though Jimmy excitedly says it has "meteor freak written all over it," Chloe shuts down, claiming to have stories to file. Babriel enters, blaring on his cell phone to Lois, who has apparently tried to spend her per diem on a Judas Priest reunion. Couldn't have made it White Snake? Ironically, Babriel tells her not to "take it out on [his] eardrum," when he himself doesn't seem to understand the concept of Inside Voice.

The editor heard 'round the world.

Babriel hangs up and notices Jimmy's photo right away, excited that Chloe is going after real stories again. Jimmy puts out his paw to introduce himself, and Babriel hilariously shakes it while paying him absolutely no mind. He orders "Chlo-ster" down to Smallville to report on the beauty popsicle, and to take "Panda Boy" with her. After Babriel blows out of the room like the tornado he is, Jimmy encourages Chloe to show the editor what she's got, rather than let Lois grab all the glory.

In the Kent kitchen, Clark moans to Lana that he now understands how his parents felt raising him. With Kara, however, the situation is more dire, since she wasn't raised on earth and doesn't understand the consequences of people finding out about her abilities. Lana thinks Kara deserves the same chance to "find a balance" that Clark had, which, again, MISSES THE POINT, HELLO. I'd never have believed it, but Clark is totally the voice of reason here. The point is not so much "finding a balance," it's understanding the dangers of discovery and NOT FUCKING KILLING SOMEBODY.

At the Talon, the girls are in a dance rehearsal. The choreographer counts off "5, 6, 7, 8," and they proceed to do a whole sixteen counts of...not a whole hell of a lot. She tells them to take five, and Jimmy snaps a few shots of Kara, who smiles shyly at him. Aww. I sort of think they'd be totally cute together. As the sheriff interviews the director, Fierce Brunette and Eva the Diva huddle in a corner, discussing Fierce Blonde's betrayal and confirming that EtD provided the chill factor. EtD wants to just grab the treasure and split, but Fierce Brunette insists they take advantage of the cover offered by the pageant. Jimmy snaps their photo from across the room, which puts their hackles up. After all, they're models! Taking pictures of them clearly means Jimmy is onto them!

Don't you have a twin?

Out in the alley, Jimmy climbs into his car and is about to take off when his vents start gushing frosty air. He glimpses EtD in his rearview mirror as he quickly turns to a frozen treat. The job done, EtD whisks herself away, but hangs around long enough to see Kara rip the car door off its hinges to rescue Jimmy.

Lex enters the Kent kitchen without knocking and finds Lana at the dining room table, waiting for him. She reminds him of his promise to fix everything so that she could return to Smallville. He says that the D.A. has been persuaded not to press charges, the evidence has been destroyed, and Lionel's patsy died in prison of natural causes, so, you know, clean slate. I'm not clear on what "charges" and "evidence" Lex is talking about. Was Lana going to be charged with stealing the clone? That seems unlikely, since Lex would have had to admit there was a clone in the first place.

Lex asks whether she can see that all his Unspeakable Acts of Evil were done out of love, but that's not going to happen, so he offers that his lawyer is drawing up a settlement, presumably for their divorce. Lana: "I don't want your money." Lex: "Except the ten million you embezzled before you left?" Lana: "Yes, except for that." On his way out, Lex applauds Lana's cleverness, but isn't sure Clark would agree. And oh, by the way, he's heard Clark has a cousin in town. Lana supplies that she's from Minnesota, perhaps to illustrate how clever we all know she isn't.

At the hospital, Jimmy lies in bed with a serious case of freezer burn. Kara watches him through the window like a puppy. Clark and Chloe arrive, and Clark immediately asks if anyone saw Kara pull the door off. Miffed that he's not proud of her for saving Jimmy's life, she stalks off. Sound familiar, Clark?

Chloe shows Clark her research on the "Weather Girls," who were caught in a freak storm during the last meteor shower, and have since been traipsing through the midwest posing as eyecandy distractions at various events while they pull off a major heist in each town. Clark and Chloe realize America's Next Top Catburglars are after the treasure map that leads to millions of dollars in gold bars.

At the Talon, Kara starts to pack up her stuff, when the terrible twosome head her off. They claim they were wrong about Kara's potential, and have renewed interest in her after finding out she has powers too. Fierce Brunette shows her a photo of the gold before it was stolen, and Kara spies a pendant with a Kryptonian symbol on it. She agrees to help them.

Even though it totally clashes with her bangle.

After commercial, we open on the time capsule, which has already been torn open and ransacked. Fierce Brunette and EtD arrive on the scene to discover that Kara has acted without them. They no happy.

Next we have the most inexplicable waste of FIFTY-FIVE SECONDS of screentime as the pageant host introduces all of the contestants in their bikinis. I guess they figure in an episode this shitty, they need as much skin as they can get.

At Lex's mansion, he muses to Carter over the drawing of Kara, saying that he wants to find her because she saved him. "FROM DROWNING IN THE EVIL OF MY WAYS." No, really. He says that.

Okay, I drew the horns, but the dialogue was real.

Carter manages not to sniff the air for laughing gas, and guesses that she is perhaps an angel? Lex agrees that she was a figment of his imagination, and that the government can discontinue their search for her. He wants them to turn their attention back to the spaceship, and presents Carter with three years' worth of research from his work at the dam.

Back at the Talon, Kara wins the pageant! Snore. However, as she begins her acceptance speech thanking Smallville for its hospitality, yadda yadda warm welcomecakes, the sheriff comes onstage to arrest her. She shoots a panicked look at Clark, who heaves the Kent sigh of burdendom.

In her jail cell, Kara starts to pull the bars apart, but Clark (with Chloe in tow) arrives to push them back in place. They bitch at each other. She tells him that she had to get to the map first, since the treasure it leads to is Kryptonian. He's stunned that she didn't tell him about it, but she wasn't feeling the sharing and caring vibe, since he hasn't given her any support in her newfound need to compete against the vapid Prada-wearing Twiggys of the midwest. Chloe jumps in to ask Kara what she remembers of the map before a "freak gust of wind" blew it away from her.

In a gas station parking lot, Fierce Brunette shovels through cement (...okay) while EtD holds the map. Nothing like fair division of labor. Fierce Brunette unearths a small box containing the Kryptonian pendant, and Clark arrives to remind them of the eighth commandment. They're all, "Possession is nine-tenths, bitch!" Fierce Brunette whips up a tiny tempest to hurl at Clark, which picks up a few stray meteor rocks from the dig.

Look out, Eva the Diva! Your ass almost looks normal size!

Clark is knocked on his fanny, but just before EtD punctures him with her stiletto, Kara arrives to kerpow them. Clark warns her not to come too close to him, as the kryptonite could kill her, so she incinerates the offending rubble with a heat blast. They hug in relief, and exchange apologies for not listening to the other one. It's all very wholesome and heartwarming, and I wonder aloud why someone gets paid to write this shit.

Back at the farm, Clark examines the pendant. He doesn't recognize the symbol, and Kara guesses that it's some kind of SOS. She says that if the pendant is still here, so must be the Kryptonian who buried it over a hundred years ago. They wonder why earth (and Kansas in particular, apparently) seems to be such a popular spot for Kryptonians in emergency situations, and what exactly their fathers had in mind sending them here.

Smallville female, down on your luck? Work at the Talon!

In the meantime, Kara will be sporting the lower-profile and more heavily-clothed position of "coffee jockey" at the Talon, though she can't resist pointing out that no matter how much they blend in, they're not human. Channeling Oliver Queen for a shining moment, Kara lays it out that Clark can't just hide on the farm all his life, growing old with Lana. Preach it, sister. Also, I miss Oliver, which might have been obvious by the total stretch I just made to connect him, however slimly, to our current story. Desperate times, people.

At Luthorcorp, Lex stares at his drawing of Kara. One of his henchmen enters to report that they found her, right where Lex said she would be. Careful, Lex, your evil ways are showing.

Jimmy and Chloe walk through the Talon on their way upstairs. He congratulates her on a front-page story and apologizes for ever thinking she was prejudiced for chalking up every freaky fracas in Smallville to a meteor-infected nutjob. Chloe tries to interrupt, but Jimmy sees that she was right, and suggests an "open season on the infected." The irony, she is cruel. Just then, Kara comes back for a bag she forgot, and she and Jimmy share mutual looks of "Damn, you're cute but I can't have you." Chloe looks a little confused, but Jimmy shakes it off.

Clark and Lana stroll through the carnival lights of the Harvest Festival, waxing poetic about how they never expected to be at this point in their relationship after all they've been through. That makes 4.5 million of us. Lana, not hearing the millions of tiny screams, suggests that this is their chance to start over, except that she knows exactly what she's getting into this time.

Confucius say he doubt it.

As Kara exits the back door of the Talon, Lex approaches and asks if it's too late for a cappuccino. He identifies himself as the owner, but Kara says she doesn't officially work there until tomorrow. As she walks away, he thanks her for saving his life. She pretends not to know what he's talking about, but Lex says he knows it was her who pulled the roof off his car, and that he's already taken steps to protect her from discovery. Oh, is that what telling the federal government to back off was supposed to do? I'm sure that will be most effective, Lex. Anyway, he confides, "I would have protected others close to me if they would have told me the truth." He notes that this is the second time he's been pulled from the jaws of death (not to be confused with the evil of his ways) by a member of the Kent family. Ask her about Minnesota, Lex! Sooner or later, he says, he'll discover the truth. "Are you a savior, or are you a warning?"

You're the only thematically interesting line in the whole damn script, is what you are.

Screencaps courtesy of dj_capslock.