A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila - "May the Best Sex Win" (Episode 101)

I am as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning because I have been assigned the bestest trainwreck of a reality show I believe I have ever seen (sorry Bret and Flav). I came into this late, so today you're going to be treated to recaps of the first 2 episodes in wild anticipation of Tuesday's all-new episode. This show is MTV's first attempt to replicate the success of VH-1's "Celebreality" shows. And, in keeping with the grand tradition of "Celebreality", the subject of this show is someone that at least 50% of the population would, upon hearing their name, say "Who?" Introducing Miss Tila Tequila - Internet superstar (sorry Cindy Margolis, it appears you've been pwned.) You may recognize her as a cover model (I didn't) or from her "sexy" music videos (never seen one, but since MTV rarely - if ever - plays videos, that's pretty understandable). She's probably best known because she has over 2 million friends on MySpace (I wonder if she counts "Tom" as one of them.) She is a cute girl, if you're into cute girls. So, now you know pretty much all you need to know about Ms. Tequila - well, except for one little thing - she's bisexual. The competitors for Tila's affections will represent both genders (what a twist!)

The premise of the show is that 16 straight boys and 16 lesbians will meet Tila, each group thinking she's either straight or gay. She eventually brings them together and will invite the ones she feels the most compatible with to move into "her" crib/MTV-rented mansion. Tila meets the boys first - she plans on eliminating 5 of them that night. Of course, the boys are your garden variety, MTV tools (they could be easily interchanged with the crew from "I Love New York".) Ryan, an "oil executive" from Trenton, NJ (he probably stocks salad dressings at the grocery store) epitomizes the quality of bachelor Tila has to choose from (he does that finger in the lips bbbrrr-bbbrrr-bbbrrr thing. Classy.) Lance, a professional clown from Palmdale, CA starts climbing up the wall. The testosterone is choking me right about now. Ashley, an elementary teacher (God help any children who come in contact with this guy) from West Virginia says "I've never dated an Asian chick, but I do like Chinese food." Tila gives all of the boys keys, one of which could be the "key to her heart". Sheesh! The boys all grab their keys (we also get to meet Eddie, a dancer from California - he's cute) and tear into Tila's crib, which is completely pimped. Michael B., a Rhode Island-based pizza delivery guy, thinks it's quite a step up from his current residence, his mom's couch (What an over-achiever!) Rami, a server (Can we not say waiter anymore?) from Arizona thinks she's "gorgeous" (he's not too shabby either.) Eric, a California bouncer, thinks she looks "way better in person."

In the great dating reality show tradition, the boys all head to the bar and proceed to liquor it up a bit. We're also introduced to Rob, a wrestler from Nevada and - my new favorite - Domenico, a "server" from Italy. He cannot be serious. He seems to be of the impression that someone's going to sleep with Tila that night. And he has a mathematical equation to prove that it's going to be him. I have to quote him, because this is just too good. "If you put 20% of accent that I got and 50% of cooking meal then it makes 200% chances to have the woman in the bed by the night." (See? I told you!)

Each of the boys gets a chance to meet Tila one-on-one - they all had to bring her a gift that reflected their personality (or lack of one.) Cute Eddie is first - he wrote a song for her. Ok, that was cheesy - try again, Justin Timberflake. He did give her a white rose, which symbolized "pure and sincere", which Eddie is - he's still a virgin (and he's so cute...I thought Tila was supposed to be the only bisexual on the show?) Tila finds this hard to believe (and she tells him she's not a virgin - shocker!) Ryan brings Tila an Indian dream catcher (which he probably picked up at a 7-11 on the way over.) Alex, a hip-hop dancer from N'awlins gives her a CD and a dance demonstration. Rami gives her a frog figurine (to symbolize all of the frogs she's had to kiss before meeting Prince Rami.) Tila doesn't get it. Emo Michael is a Canadian drummer, so he gives Tila drumsticks (not of the ice cream or chicken variety, both of which probably would have gone over better.) He says there are only 2 activities that force him to break a sweat - sex and drumming. Wow. Just wow. Steven, a club promoter from Alabama, gave Tila a (really ugly) painting, called "Illustrious" - depicting a couple in a passionate embrace. Tila decides to recreate the pose with ol' Steve, and he scores the first kiss. Lance the clown demonstrates his mad clown skillz and "radio personality" Ben from Boston had the worst gift - a teabag. Ewwww! What was he thinking? Eric also upped the cheese ante by giving her detergent, which she could use with his washboard abs (I'm officially rooting for the lesbians as of...right now.) Domenico delivers his "50% of cooking meal" with a plate of spaghetti and meatballs and promises to be her "hot sausage for the night." And, of course, since there's spaghetti, we have to have the obligatory "Lady and the Tramp" moment (Domenico is quite the tramp!) Ick, ick, ick! The other boys notice that Domenico seems to be charming Tila and one of the guys lets out the most disturbing, high-pitched laugh I've ever heard. Domenico is feeling some vibrations between his legs that feels like the "third world war." TMI, Italian guy! Ashley, Tila confesses, "is so country that he has no idea what he's saying" and proves it with a lovely necklace and earring set he picked up at Wal-Mart (I swear!) Tila covers and says his "innocence" (complete stupidity) makes him "endearing" (comic fodder for the show until his inevitable elimination.)

Domenico tries to engage the boys in an ethical debate about the possible financial merits of sleeping with other men. Of course none of the guys said they'd sleep with a guy for 10 million dollars (Eddie was noticeably absent from this conversation.) He thinks "a lot of these guys, unfortunately, they are scared about other guys, which is called homophobic." Thanks for clearing that one up, D. Oh wait, he's not done. "Homophobic...it's when somebody is scared of other guys, I guess. It's like a disease." (Give this man his own show ASAP!) Marcus (of the annoying laugh) is a "spokesmodel" from N'awlins and he gives Tila a walkie-talkie, because she's into music. And this makes sense in what universe? He says "you need beats for lyrics and lyrics for beats." I still don't get it, and I suspect Tila doesn't either, so she starts beatboxing on her walkie-talkie and Marcus supplies some trite rapping ("I stay true to what I do...") and treats us to that awful laugh again. Marcus also reminds Tila that they are all there for her "fine ass" - and he volunteers to be her eyes and ears (aka snitch) during his stay at the house. Ashley overheard the conversation and was unhappy that Marcus was hatin' on his "man from Milan", Domenico. He tries to stir things up and tries to pick a fight with Marcus, telling him he's pissed everyone off. I think Ashley's the only one who's pissed. The other guys are just looking on, slightly amused. Tila's really starting to look forward to the ladies' arrival (me too, girlfriend.) Ashley and Marcus are basically going back and forth like this: Marcus: "Step aside." Ashley: "I'm not gonna step aside." Repeat a million times. Most. Boring. Fight. Ever. Tila finally saves us and breaks up the "fight."

We go back to the gift-giving. Rob the wrassler gives Tila a t-shirt that proudly declares "I (heart) Rob." (Well, at least she'll have something to wash her car with now.) He feels they definitely have a "connection" (sure ya do, Bret!) "Brooklyn" Bobby, a student, steps in and presents Tila with a little light blue box (all you ladies know what that means!) with diamond stud earrings in it. Tila says she can't be bought (well, that saved Ashley's butt, now didn't it?) or maybe she can (sorry, Ashley.) Greg, a fitness model from New Jersey, brought Tila a Kama Sutra kit and proceeded to oil her up, exposing a boob in the process. Oops! Michael B. officially wins the cheesy gift award - he gives Tila a pillowcase with his picture on it - on both sides (one side says "Good morning beautiful" and the other side says "Good night sexy lady.") Words escape me right now. He admits he lives on his mom's couch. Bad idea. Tila says there's something about him that's "kinda cute" and then she laughs awkwardly.

Tila tells the boys that she's going to make her first cuts. Marcus is worried because he got into it with Ashley. Tila is having a hard time deciding who to eliminate. Michael B. wants to stay so he can show Tila he's not a "mama's boy", Ashley says he's not leaving and Eddie is wondering if his virginity is a good thing or not. The first five to hang up their keys are Ben (the teabagger), Rami (not her Prince Charming), Emo Michael, Lance the clown and Greg (Mr. Kama Sutra.) The rest of the guys are going to return the next day for a very special pool party.

It's time for the ladies. Tila gets dolled up for them (in a dress that looks like it weighs more than she does.) The gals are happily surprised that Tila's a "lesbian." We meet a few of the gals right up front; they're all from California (no big surprise) - Grace, a student, Steffanie, a photographer and Brandi, a mortgage consultant (who is a big fan of TT - she says she's "very talented" - I could only agree with her if she added "at self-promotion" after that.) Scout, a personal assistant from Kansas (that's a shocker) said that none of the girls expected such cool digs as Tila's place. Krystal a model/student from Missouri is very excited to be there as well. Ashli, a caterer from New Jersey is excited that this is the first show about "lesbians in love" (Have you not heard of "The L Word"? Bad lesbian, bad!) Tila comes down to greet the girls - she feels they have a "whole different energy." Sara, a California cosmotologist declares Tila "drop dead gorgeous." Krystal is still really excited. The colorfully-coiffured Lala, a stylist from California wants to show Tila her rug? Rub? I couldn't understand her - maybe it's a lesbian thing. Amanda, who looks like she came from "Rock of Love" with her bleached blond mane, a real estate agent from Portland, said anyone would have to be "blind...and a little retarded" to not think Tila's hot. Tila distributes the keys to the gals. Vanessa, a dancer from New York says she's there to stay.

It's time for a lesbian mixer. Scout tells us that a "gold star lesbian" is one who's never slept with a man. Steffanie says a "silver star lesbian" is one who tried but didn't enjoy it at all - she seems to know this from experience. (See? This show's educational too - thanks, MTV!) Amanda comes in and sits next to Tila - I don't know if she is truly an Amazon, but Tila looks like a Barbie doll next to her. They're on the same page because they're wearing the same panties. Yep, that's how I knew my husband was Mr. Right. Tila does seem to like A-MAN-da, she says "she's a lot of woman." It really seems like most of these girls are far too intelligent and well-adjusted to be on this show. Well, except one. Meet Keasha - my favorite lesbian ever. She's an interior designer from Tulsa. Our introduction to her is watching her order a Jack Daniels, "straight-up, on the rocks" at the bar. She says, "Of course I'm a challenge for tequila....Tila!(Maniacal laugh.)" (I don't think that was a complete slip there.) She grabs a shot of Jaeger and introduces us to her catchphrase, "Hey girl, hey." (I see a t-shirt there...) Tila went around and tried to get to know the ladies a little bit better. Ashli had only recently come out - she's also a virgin (Tila's digging this factoid.) Trainwreck Keasha is talking to the other girls - she admits "First and foremost, I have been one to be like...hey girl, hey." Deep. Rebecca, an entrepreneur from Phoenix says Keasha's "definitely the crazy one in the group." You think? The best is where she is standing with the pool right behind her and asking "Where's the pool?" (MTV, get this girl her own show ASAP. You can call it "Hey girl, hey!") Tila spends a few moments with Rebecca. They seem to have some sort of connection, but there time is interrupted by a "Hey girl, hey." Yep, Keasha is back. She snuggles up to Tila and Rebecca wasn't too happy about that. Frotunately, Keasha is easily fooled, so Rebecca sent her off to "get drinks" for she and Tila. Ha! Tila talks to Sara and calls her a tiger. They then proceed to make out - right in front of one of the other girls (the most masculine-looking one of the bunch. She dresses kinda like Ellen, so until we meet her, I'll call her Ellen.) Well, poor Ellen is completely blown off by Tila and she tells Sara she "gave it up way too easily." Way to come back, girl! Tila finds the shy girls and tries to get them to open up. Lala, however, not shy. Can't understand 90% of what comes out of her mouth, but she seems to know what she wants. One of the gals (who we also haven't met yet) admits she's not good in relationships. That'll keep you in the house! Tila admits that women can be too emotional and talk too much (which this blondie is now demonstrating.) Tila manages to escape and goes back to the shy girl and Vanessa. Tila really likes Vanessa and made out with her in front of shy girl.

The ladies brought sexy outfits that were supposed to show off their personalities, so Tila had them change for a fashion show of sorts. This oughta be good. There must have been some blowout sale at Frederick's of Hollywood, because there's a lot of slutacious costumes coming out here. Vanessa models the naughty schoolgirl outfit. Grace rocks the naughty nurse look. Rebecca is a topless angel. Brandi chooses a cat outfit because she's "feisty". Lala is a naughty French maid. Chaos (aka the chatty blondie) is a burlesque dancer from Michigan and wears a camo outfit. Tila says Chaos has a great body, but she's a complete "butterface." Keasha (Hey girl, hey!) is wearing a hard hat and tool belt, with yellow caution tape around her chest. would you expect anything less? As she explains, "Caution. Whoa. Hey. Easy." I love this girl. Her suggestive line to Tila was "Can you help me dust some sawdust off my toolbelt?" Ashli is a naughty girl scout and Amanda opts for black patent leather dominatrix gear. Steffanie (not the most feminine creature) dons a fedora and a Hef-like smoking jacket. Amanda says that she thinks "butchy girls are so creepy." Ellie (the shy girl) is a photographer/videographer from Reno and is wearing a sexy mechanic outfit. From the looks of it, that's all you're ever going to know about her. Brenda, an administrative assistant from San Jose wears a taxi driver outfit (I think she'll probably be joining Ellie tonight.) Ellen (she's actually Dani, from my home state of Florida - you go girl!) is a firefighter, so she wore her actual uniform. Tila says she favors lipstick lesbians, but says there's "something about her." Scout comes out in an orange bikini and asks "Orange you glad I've got a big enough...personality?" - proving girls can be just as cheesy as guys. Sara came out in a barely there bikini decorated with little playing cards. Krystal wore a patriotic number, topped with a cowboy hat. Tila said the gals looked like a "lesbian Village People." No truer words have been spoken. Tila then tells them that 5 of them are going home. Some are surprised, some are worried, Keasha says "Hey girl, hey."

It's time for the first elimination. Heading home are Scout, shy Ellie, butterface Chaos, blah Brenda and - in the worst move ever - Keasha. Damn! I was so looking forward to weeks of Hey girl, hey! Her goodbye speech was the best - "I wish that she could have seen who I am but she did see who I am. I never portayed myself to be somebody that I wasn't. Coincidentally, just because of...you know...here or there that brought me to this position I guess, so to speak." I miss her already. Tila also invites the gals to her pool party. Here comes the "big reveal."

The tools...I mean boys show up the next day for the pool party. Domenico shows up in a Speedo representing the Italian flag, to which Tila replied "I dodn't know Italy was such a small country." Oh, snap! (I think on the back of his suit it says "100% Italian ass." Is that referring to his butt or to him in general?) The guys proceed to splash it up and try to impress Tila. Here come the girls - and it's time for Tila to come clean. The boys are quite excited to see the girls, but also a bit confused. The girls seem puzzled too. She finally comes out with it. The guys have that surprised then "alright!" kind of look. The lesbians don't match the boys' enthusiasm. And with that, this ends episode one. It's going to be an interesting season. Hey girl, hey!