Numb3rs: Thirteen (Episode 404)

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David Krumholtz recently started keeping a blog over at the TV Guide site. I was perusing it when he specifically commented that he’s anticipating the fans’ reactions to this eppesode. Well, here’s one fan’s reaction. While I’m pimping your blog, Mr. Krumholtz, do you think you might want to pimp this recap? Really, it’s the whole quid pro quo principle.

Okay, so putting my dinner off until this eppesode started was not my brightest idea. I’m curious though, on my Season 1 DVDs I’m confident that I was told there would never be anything as harsh as the victim in the pilot. I believe this because it’s on the commentary for the pilot. Therefore, I’m curious as to what it was they were smoking when they thought the violence and gore in this eppesode isn’t as in your face as the pilot?

The first scene is some poor guy being tortured. After the killer writes his own grid on the wall (not an opening grid, but something much more sinister) he leans over and tells the victim that he forgives him. Dude, I think you’ve got that backward.

La Maison d’Eppes: For those of you who are not fans of the brothers Eppes’ significant others, comes something even more terrifying: the double date. Charlie, Amita, Don and Liz are celebrating the publication of Charlie’s book. I understand that this has to be a plot point, but I’m having trouble with the timeline between the acceptance and the publication.

Charlie’s book is called The Attraction Equation: Being Popular is as Easy as Pi. Oh that title is a bad pun. If I’d known they were going to need puns, they should’ve asked the crew in the By the Numb3rs Chatrooms. They have PHD’s (Punning Humour Dementia) in puns.

The publishers rejected the original title, “Mathematical Analysis of Friendship Dynamics.” Yeah, I can see that.

Alan arrives to offer his congratulations but he can’t stay, as he has a tonne of homework for Ray-Ray’s class-class. Honestly, I don’t think that’s the real reason he left.

Don is sad that the brothers haven’t gone on a double date before, but Charlie disagrees. When Charlie was 8, he had Michelle Mazer over. Sometime during the evening, Don disappeared into the garage with the baby-sitter. Both Amita and I want to know how Charlie knows this. Charlie claims he likes to spy (not Theoriginalspy). BTW, please don’t ever point me in the way of any fanfictions that might theorize what he saw. Thanks.

The call comes in about the gross stuff that made me put my completely untouched dinner back in the kitchen thus ending the first official Eppes double date. (I am so not using an acronym for that, ever.)

Kill Site: David’s basking in his glow from last week’s “Be Kind to David Day” by giving us the exposition on the victim. His name is Peter Guzman, stock analyst and he was tortured for 36 hours. Hey, Peter and I have something in common because that’s about the length of time (I’m guesstimating) between watching this eppesode any my being able to eat again!

It’s the second victim; the first, Andrew Chang was tortured in a school gym three weeks earlier. As they enter, they read a biblical quote written in calligraphy on the wall, “He was pierced for our transgressions,” from the Book of Isaiah, Chapter 53 (verse 5 for those of you wondering). There was another quote from the same book and chapter from the first crime scene, “He was despised and rejected by men” (verse 3). I can assure you, that the great biblical scholar in me (a phrase which here means I pulled out my copy of the King James and looked it up) knows that they aren’t using the King James translation. Is that a clue? Did I solve the case? More importantly, will they use a quote from the most relevant book for this show, Numbers?

He also leaves the CD of Mozart’s Requiem playing and the page from the phone book containing the victim’s phone number.

Charlie has a sudden realization. The number grids left on the wall at both crime scenes (another part of the signature) is part of a Fibonacci Sequence. The numbers missing in the sequence is the victim’s cell phone number. I have a revelation of my own; actually, I had a few of them!

This means that the victims are pre-selected. Quickly working out the next phone number, Don calls it to warn the victim, only to hear Mozart’s <i>Requiem and moaning on the other end. The phone number belongs to a Thad and he was abducted 12 hours previously.

I’m prophesying that today is not a good day to have a biblical name. I’m definitely thankful there isn’t a theoriginalspy in the book of Numbers, now the show Numb3rs, that’s where I’d like to see one.

Title sacrifice Flash.

IHOF: Megan’s interviewing Thad’s widow. What? Come on, like we’re going to find this dude alive. Yes, I’m lacking tact due to hunger pains. Every time I go to eat, I have to go back to recapping. Essentially, Thad’s a labour lawyer so when he saw someone was following him, he thought it was some sort of intimidation tactic.

Outside, David is giving us the low down on Thad and the killer’s signature. The paint’s special gold-leaf and he probably has medical training. Don suggests Colby go with David to help investigate the pain, which is surprising to David. Come on, did anyone really think that Don would split up Rosencrantz & Guildenstern?

Inside, Megan’s having issues with the crime scene photos. Yeah, so am I, the difference is I’m not a trained behaviouralist. Although, I also don’t have my own voice in my head saying, “this is not what I signed up for” and “this has got to stop now,” so Megan’s winning the seat on this week’s crazy train. Usually, I would win hands down so the fact Megan is winning is really disturbing me. Don is the one bottling up his emotions. David exposits so he doesn’t have to talk about his feelings. Colby’s worried about his place in the team. Megan’s supposed to be my the team's Rock of Gibraltar!

She’s so stressed out she forgot lunch with Larry! Somebody call a mayday as the SS Megan/Larry just had a serious leak! She tries to joke about Larry’s “Monastic Utopia” but Larry gives us the cold, hard etymology, utopia really means no place. Larry, you aren’t helping either me or Megan!

Don interrupts wanting a report and suddenly Charlie is there too. Uhh, Charlie, I love you but if you’ve invented a transporter to automatically insert yourself into a scene, then please share it with the rest of the universe.

Okay, so back to the report. Megan says the perp has faith and rejection issues. Oh my God, did she come up with that herself?! Okay, I shouldn’t be hitting at her when she’s down but really, I think everyone’s already figured that out. The only new piece of information is the biblical numerology, and Charlie actually sounds offended when she asks him for help. Megan, you’re talking to Charlie. Unless there’s a formula that he can invent, he’s not into it. Deities aren’t his style.

Larry gently steps in to remind Charlie that the world isn’t entirely based on his very scientific point of view. Well done Larry! Still dismissive, Charlie can’t even remember the name of the professor that can help them. Hold on, Cal Sci has a religious studies department? Apparently, they do, and it’s headed up by Alex Trowbridge. Mocking the name, Megan thinks it’s going to be some guy with elbow patches.

Cal Sci: I shake my head at the behavioualist judging someone based on their name, but I’ll forgive her since that seems to be the theme of this eppesode. Alex Trowbridge is the antithesis of the traditional religion professor. The only thing traditional about Alex is Charlie’s reaction to her. He’s crossed his arms in his defensive “I will defend my math” stance, but Alex nicely smoothes things over by saying she can’t wait for his book.

She tries to explain religious numerology to Charlie and he gets the same look I usually have when Charlie’s explaining advanced math. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s thinking the same thing I do when the math confuses me, “the professor is hot, so pay attention.”

He tries to challenge his disbelief in numerical mysticism, by refusing to see the patterns as some higher order.

“I call it math,” Charlie replies. The sad part is that the two of them actually agree with each other and don’t even know it. For Charlie, math is the highest order. Unfortunately, the killer agrees with Alex’ point of view.

Charlie’s Office: Amita is teasing Charlie about meeting with the very hot Alex Trowbridge. It’s some great banter, and really well played. Amita is teasing, but not really jealous and Charlie is suitably adorkable.

Alan totally saves Charlie’s but from getting this week’s NPAL™ (if he’d kept talking, I have no doubt he’d have earned it) by asking for help with his homework. Proving he’s really gotten into the whole student-life thing, Alan actually earns this week’s NPAL™ “Don tells me you had a meeting with Alex Trowbridge…word on campus is she’s quite a looker.” Why does it win? He says it with Amita sitting right there and then runs from the room.

Charlie complains about the numerology but Amita suggests he look at Isaih 52 or I53 as 153. Once decoded, they find out it’s a web address: www.cartamagnamapstopography12927.com. It doesn’t work, I already tried, but if I were clever, I’d register it and start my petition for a shout out there.Charlie calls her a genius.

“And hot too,” she snarks back, “don’t forget that.” I’m glad Amita’s finally starting to develop the fine art of snark. You still have much to learn though, yong padawan.

The address gives them a location, 874 Hunter Street. FOUL! They’ve used that address before and we know it was wrong. It was on Charlie’s driver’s license in “Harvest” even though we know the Eppes’ home is in Pasadena! Instead, I theorized then that it was really the address for the IHOF. Wait a minute; the killer is in the IHOF?! Isn’t there an urban legend about someone calling you from inside the house? Is this just an updated version or is this a whole new meaning of “God being with you?”

874 Hunter Street: Okay, it’s not the IHOF, but neither is it la Maison d’Eppes. In what I consider to be the first official Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: reunited scene, Colby and David are trying to break into a run down basement. All they find is a homeless man, who has been hearing screams and trying to avoid whoever is causing them. He points the partners in the right direction but unfortunately, the right direction is horribly wrong. They hear Requiem and find a box. At first, I think that what’s in the box is all that’s left of Thad. Instead it’s just a mannequin’s head.

They find a quotation from Matthew, “Lo I am always with you.” (Chapter 28, verse 20, for those keeping track.) They also find another grid and a headless Thad. I would like to thank whoever decided not to show us that corpse.

IHOF: Megan’s confused by the change of MOs from drugging to beheading. I’m not, but neither of us have time to focus on in because Thad’s widow appears. Don goes to comfort her, which makes me sad, but I take great comfort in Don being very hot while being empathetic.

We have a music video, but unlike Viva Laughlin, this doesn’t involve Hugh Jackman singing and dancing. It’s Megan, figuring out that he’s martyring these men in the same methods of the apostles. Of course, I could totally get bitchy and say the Bible only specific about a few of the deaths, so this guy must also be dealing with some pretty detailed Catholic mythology.

Plus, how hard must it have been to find a Thaddeus in this day and age since it rarely cracked the 500 mark I top baby names over the past 40 years? They’ve got at least 9 more victims and he searching for the correct biblical names out of the phone book. We know this not because Charlie’s figured it out. We know this because we get a lovely (a phrase which means here, I didn’t need to see that) shot of the killer flagellating himself over the phone book, specifically the name John Lerner.

Alex has found another pattern in the grids, the numbers 888, which represents the Trinity and Jesus. I’m going to have to believe her on this one because I’m with Charlie on the whole “numerology is crap.” “One will always find meaning where one seeks it.” I may think numerology is crap, but I have to point out, doesn’t Charlie always seek meaning in math? I’m just saying.

Alex has also learned that all the victims’ phone numbers added up to 26, which is equal to Jehovah. Phew, mine adds up to 32, so I’m safe. Of course, my parents also had the good sense to give me a girl’s name instead of something ambiguous like Jude or James. Mine is probably the Hebrew number for a loaf of bread.

Amita wants to use the numerology suggested by Alex to data mine for potential victims in the online phone directory. She has her own Amita-vision, comparing it a coin sorting machine. Either it can search for quarters or 30 pieces of silver.

Amita’s brilliant idea also assures the fandom that Charlie’s staying with the brunette and not even thinking of going for the blonde. Good, I still have my shot then.

Later, Don, David and Colby have a pedaconference about gold-leaf paint. They found where the killer got it because the seller remembers an odd man with a tattoo of a cross and a crown of thorns on his neck. They also have a picture from an ATM, but it’s being cleaned up by the techs.

Math Garage: As Charlie, Larry and Amita are searching for victims, Alan arrives. It’s such a reversal of roles when Charlie does Alan’s math homework for him. What’s hilarious is that Alan had all this trouble and Charlie did it in “a few minutes.” Ouch. Alan doesn’t look too pleased but becomes distracted by the numerology. He tells us Isaac Newton used biblical numerology to determine the world will end in 2060.

Alan says, “If you ask me, I prefer my math and my religion on opposite sides of the menu.”

Larry, of course, retorts, saying that St. Augustine said math was given to us by God to reveal the truth. Yeah, well he’s also the patron saint of brewers, so maybe beer was involved in the creation of that statement.

To end the debate, Amita’s computer kicks out 286 potential targets.

IHOF: On the bridge, outside, Megan informs Don that the John Lerner seen earlier circled in the killer’s phone book, is missing but unlike the other victims, he’s been missing for three weeks. David catches them to say the newest victim’s credit card had been used to pay for prescription drugs, so Don sends him off to check. You know, they spent all that time explaining numerology that the Fedcake investigation part seems rather rushed.

Squat: David and Liz investigate to find another biblical quote, grid and a man lying on a tanning bed. He’s completely cooked from being tanned for what I assume is three weeks.

Scream! Ack! Ew! Splash! Thunk! With those onomatopoeic statements, it describes my reaction to the victim opening his eyes. Although, visually, I’ll let David and Liz demonstrate what I did.

IHOF: Megan’s as disgusted by the idea of a charbroiled apostle as I am. At least Colby’s come up with name, Jared Parr, an ex-con who was imprisoned for sexual battery. Wow, there is no religious pun I could make here without sounding really tacky. (There are about a hundred I could make if I didn’t mind being spammed.)

Parr’s: Colby, David and Liz have gone to arrest Jared. Before they have time to search his apartment, Colby spots him out the window. Thus we learn a skill Colby was clearly hiding the entire time he was a spy (not Theoriginalspy), that he is capable of leaping several floors in a single bound.

David takes the safer route and slides down the ladder while Liz takes the safest route: the stairs.

So we get a long-drawn out scene of eye candy David and Colby (and Liz) chasing the suspect. Eventually, they corner him on the edge of a roof and things rarely go uphill in these situations. In fact, usually, they just head straight down.

Liz tries talking him down using the religious angle. God will be angry if he kills himself because suicide is a sin. Yeah, and murder is number 6 in His rules of shit not to do. It’s one of those little religious conundrums that no one ever adequately explained to a curious 8 year-old. (Actual answer by my Sunday school teacher when I asked why you can’t be forgiven for killing yourself but can for killing someone else, “Because God said so.”)

Just as he’s about to come down off the roof, someone shoots him through the heart. I totally did not see that one coming. I also can’t understand why anyone would tattoo “Behold my Judas” and a number grid on their arm. Plus, if we’re killing people apostle-style, shouldn’t Jared be hung from a tree somewhere?

Jared was carrying a flash drive with video of all the tortures and executions. Also on the flash drive is another apostle, Nathaniel, who is being whipped to death. Megan mirrors my facial expression here and I’m just going to assume we’re thinking the same thing as we watch it.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, Megan receives a phone call that the man from the tanning bed died.

Parr’s: Megan’s on a righteous rampage now, confronting Jared’s sister about his crimes. I’m a little torn because of my own familial issues and I’d never want to be blamed for a sibling’s problems. The rest of that tirade is between me and my therapist. She tells them what she knows, but it isn’t that much.

Cal Sci: Larry, Charlie and Alex are stumped by what I’m going to start thinking of as religious sudoku. “Great, even the fluff fails us,” Charlie sneers. Charlie, you know I love you but you can be such an asshole when things don’t fall into your nice neat version of the universe. You may not believe this stuff; hell, I don’t believe it either but the killer does so pay attention and quit whining! At least Alex is far better looking than Samuel Kraft, the psychic you had to deal with in “Mind Games.”

Also, because you needed to get all snotty and superior, we get to hear all about Alex’s conversion story. Great. You know, I accept people’s faith but I have a big problem with conversion tales. You have faith or you don’t; I don’t care what the reason is. Charlie smirks through the entire conversation.

Trying to prove she’s right (another serious issues I have with the devout. If you believe you’re right, you don’t have to prove it. The Flying Spaghetti Monster says so) she uses Charlie and Amita as an example. She says love is the greatest act of faith. Yes, it’s an act of faith in another person. Unless Amita is a deity and forgot to tell us (wouldn’t that be quite the twist) it’s yet another problem I have with the devout, the inability to argue a point logically. I have my beliefs. You have yours. I will respect your beliefs as long as you don’t try to act all morally superior and prove yours are better than mine. I completely respect the pious. I have no respect for the smug.

Thank heaven Charlie has a Charlie-vision to bring this conversation to a close. He’s figured out that the grids also contain longitude and latitude coordinates and the killer is trying to recreate the Via Dolorosa in downtown Los Angeles. Apparently, the killer also appreciates irony.

IHOF: Charlie explains that they should be able to predict where the killer will be next, based on the route Christ took. It also reveals that there must’ve been another victim, much earlier than the others; otherwise the killer forgot the genesis of Christ’s journey.

Cal Sci: Alan’s come to Charlie to be taught the math he needs, not just to have Charlie do it for him. I would like to point out that the subplot of this eppesode is the whole concept of a father having a whole bunch of problems with the intelligent design of his existence, and he needs his son to sacrifice himself on the alter of math to make things better. Of course, I could compare that to something else, but I’m far too tactful. Or not. Don’t blame me, blame my Sunday school teachers who made me pay attention and yet never answered a single one of my questions.

Alan wants to be treated like Charlie would treat any of his students. I’m surprised Charlie doesn’t make a crack about coming back during office hours.

IHOF: Megan’s doing what I believe is the solution to most problems in life, taking a coffee break. Proving what a good team they are, David and Colby have found the first victim, a woman named Mary. She was killed in her apartment and the words “Magdalene Whore” were written on the walls. The only suspect was the woman’s boyfriend, Clay Porter, a marine whose unit was accused of torture. Too perfect a suspect you say? Yeah, well, we all know it’s too early in the eppesode for this dude to be the killer.

Porter’s: Sent to arrest Porter, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern find a Bible, a police scanner, proof that he’s been following the investigation and a couple of corkboards full of news articles on the case. “Not to dis his decorating sense but I have definitely seen obsession done better,” Colby snarks. I think this is the best Colby line ever, and I say that knowing the wealth of material from which I have to choose. The delivery along with the context is priceless. Agree or disagree, but it’s my nomination for the best Colby quote in the Nummy Awards.

Colby sees Porter trying to get away in his truck and tries, again, to emulate Nathan from Heroes. He manages to briefly land in the back of the truck, but then falls out.

IHOF: Porter’s in the wind, but they found the tattoo artist who put the number grid on Jared Parr.

A Ink: The owner of the shop says the artist, Tomas Barrios quit a few days earlier. The owner recognizes Jared, but not Porter. The highlight of the scene is the reference to Tomas as “Da Vinci with a needle.” Dan Brown is waiting for his royalty check.

David spots Porter watching outside the parlour and he sneaks out the back to surprise Porter.

IHOF: In interrogation, Don and Megan confront Porter with the pictures of the Fedcakes and his involvement in his girlfriend’s death. He insists he didn’t do anything but Megan still pushes him about his unit’s actions in Iraq. Don pulls the plug on the interview because of Megan’s tactics. Personally, I really didn’t see anything wrong with her interrogation techniques. This man is a former marine; he’s going to need to be pushed. On the other hand, it’s outside the realm of normal for Megan, so I don’t buy Don’s reasons for ending it. If he’d given me a different reason

Megan doesn’t really buy Don’s reasoning either. Considering how the man let Edgerton “interview” Buck in “Two Daughters” she’s not wrong.

Math Garage: Charlie’s gone through Alan’s homework again. This time, he’s making notes so that way when the case is done, he can sit down with Alan and explain everything to him. Charlie reminisces about how Alan never really got to help Charlie with his homework when he was little (except dioramas) and would like to make up for lost time – helping Alan with his homework (except dioramas). Charlie likes watching his students, whether it is his father, or a regular college kid in his class, learn to understand the material.

“You know ‘Smart Charlie’ I’ve spent thirty years learning to live with. Wise could take some getting used to,” Alan responds.

Tomas’ Abode: The killer already killed Tomas, months ago. They now know that the killer is into clichés and that the parlour owner lied to them.

LA Ink: In our first riot gear shot of this eppesode, the Fedcakes find the owner gone, but a room in the back with a shrine and video of Mary being tortured. You know, there are some things even riot gear can’t make up for.

IHOF: Megan’s feeling guilty about missing something in the case, the interview with Porter, and Colby doesn’t help by telling her that it was Porter that informed on his Unit in Iraq. Where Colby does help, is that he’s probably the only one who understands that she did things she’s not proud of while working for the DOJ. She helped with “interrogation techniques” and had no idea what she was getting into. Colby does empathize and says the reason he asked to stay was because people like Megan (and himself) shouldn’t run away.

I have to admit, I’m hoping that this isn’t all we get about Megan’s time with the DOJ. It would be such a build up for such a quick let down.
Cal Sci: They’ve discovered that the killer is taking a detour from the Via Dolorosa into John, Chapter 21. I’m completely lost how this works geographically, but I’m just going to accept it because I have faith in Numb3rs.

Because of this, Charlie starts a search for an abandoned building, where the killer might believe he will ascend into heaven. Is that a euphemism for suicide by cop? The connection to the number 888 (8th victim, 8th block from the last crime scene in an 8 block squared area) leads the Fedcakes to killer.

888 Somewhere Street, LA: The Requiem covers the Fedcakes arrival while the parlour owner is paining a grid on the floor. Poor Nathaniel is tied to a pillar, looking worse for wear. The killer gets a reflection of Don in his paintbrush, which is totally unbelievable but a really cool shot.

He pulls out a gun and points it at Nathaniel. For somebody who’s read the entire Bible, I’m wondering how I missed the verse “And lo, the Lord said “shoot him with your holy pistol and reap the chosen Fedcakes.”

Hey, the killer’s name is John! Why then didn’t he kill himself when he got to John the Apostle? What? I think it would’ve been a better idea!

Colby tries arguing that he doesn’t want to harm his apostle. John calls him a blasphemer. I’m really glad this guy is never going to meet me. This recap alone would give him apoplexy. While he’s distracted by Colby and Don, David tackles him.

To the strains of Mozart, Nathaniel is saved. You know, sometimes the Fedcakes must think their jobs are a little more like the trials of Job, just without the festering boils. (If they have the festering boils, I never want to know.) There’s a lot of blathering from John about justification, but really, he’s just an insanity plea waiting to happen.

What happens next is far more pleasing to John than the Fedcakes. John would argue that he’s sacrificed by his Pilate, Porter, who shoots him through the chest. I’m sure John would’ve been happier if it’d been through the hands and feet. All the Fedcakes find after the shooting is Porter’s rifle and a picture to Mary. It’s an odd offering but it works in this situation. It proves he’s responsible for both John and Judas. It’s strangely appropriate as Porter acted as Judas’ conscience.

IHOF: All’s right with the team, as Megan apologizes to Don and the team accepts Colby back into the fold. I guess the must’ve read the letter from HR.

The eppesode ends with the brothers Eppes going on another double date. At first, Charlie wants to go someplace fancy as he got his first cheque from his publisher. Amita invites Don and Liz over for a barbeque and the brother’s bicker about who is going to get the garage. I don’t know why Don just doesn’t silence the debate with one simple question.

Thus ends my longest recap for this show. Next week, could we have a lot of action scenes and car chases? Please? My fingers are tired and I’m weak from being unable to eat due to this eppesode!