Weeds: Cankles (Episode 33)

Nancy wears a wire and it ain't in her bra.
We might as well get this out of the way right now, because you may very well hate me (or want to send me hate mail) once you read this. But, as your recapper, I feel it is my duty to inform the public that Celia Hodes...is a c**t. Yes, I used the 'c' word and I'm not sorry. She just is.

Yes, I realize that there is no one on this show who doesn't live in a glass house. Everyone has their own agenda. Everyone screws everyone. But Celia is the Mother of them all and I don't think I've ever seen a TV character that makes me want to bitch slap her like Celia does.

And speaking of agendas. Cute evil Tara is SO playing Silas. No big surprise there. After stopping by to drop off her money, Silas finds out she's also dating some dude named Kenneth. Oh, just for her cultural needs, you understand. Silas is for "rubbing up against." Nice little Christian girl. At least Silas isn't totally brain damaged and decides they need to cut Tara loose. Nancy, however, begs to differ, since Tara is her biggest money maker. As Silas' boss, she refuses to get rid of Tara until Silas can hold his own. As his mother, she's pretty pathetic too, but that's another story.

Valerie has hired a private investigator to find out what Nancy did with her money. Paying his retainer with the down payment toward Peter's life insurance that Nancy JUST gave her. She also thinks Peter hid his dirty money somewhere and wants to know where it is. We'll be coming back to the P.I. in a bit.

Meanwhile, back at Majestic vs. Agrestic, Doug is being his usual charming self to the chairwoman who has declared all contracts and positions held by Agrestic members null and void. The meeting is adjourned with Doug starting the chant of "Cankles Bitch, Cankles Bitch" at her (the chairperson with the fat ankles...get it -- ankles as big as her calves -- cankles.).

This brings us to Celia, who's stringing through at least three story lines this week. Having heard both Nancy talking about going to work for Aquatecture (right after Celia witnesses her screwing Sullivan over his desk) AND Doug mention them at the council meeting, she decides to check things out, which is possibly the funniest moments of this week's show, because we all know how sweet and tolerant Heylia is. I have to give Celia credit for having enough balls to waltz right in and then try to barge her way into the back (where the weed garden is). Then my spirits were dashed when I realized she wasn't going to get her ass beat.

As Celia's leaving, however, Conrad pops out from the back and Celia remembers her "carpenter" and we all know it's just a matter of time before the Aquatecture house of cards comes tumbling down.

The next time we see Ms. C., she drunk (again) and going through past due notices. When Isabelle and Dean come back from a walk/roll, you know things are going to get ugly. Sure enough, they send Isabelle out for another walk while Celia 'interrogates' Dean about Aquatecture. I use that term loosely, much like Bush uses the word 'torture'. By the time she's stepping on his balls in her high heels, Dean's ready to spill his guts.

Back at Casa Botwin, Shane is setting up a surveillance camera outside the house while having a very cute heart to heart with Andy about careers. When Sanjay shows up for more weed, Andy goes inside to bring it out, making the exchange in broad daylight. Guess who's watching? Remember the P.I. Val hired?

Wiley Shane has the P.I. on tape, getting them on tape, however. It's all very spy-tastic. Nancy faces the P.I. down and he counters with a blackmail offer. Not to tell his client (who he won't disclose, but Nancy's no dummy) or the feds what he knows about them for $50k. Nancy is totally chapped. The next day when he comes for his money, she records him admitting to the blackmail with her handy dandy microphone from the local spy-mart tucked away in her bra. Just a little guarantee he won't be back for more when that runs out.

It's really too bad for Val, though. When Nancy catches her outside the clinic on a smoke break, she lets Val know that 'her' P.I. got the $50k Nancy was going to give her toward Peter's life insurance. Man, that's gotta suck.

We end this week with Nancy coming home to Conrad sitting on her couch and she just knows this can't be good. And she would be right. Celia called Conrad (yes, his number was still in her cell phone *snicker*) to tell him that she now knows Nancy is dealing again and that she's screwing Celia's boyfriend. I'm sure the latter is the least of Nancy's worries.

I'd say the chickens are coming home to roost mighty soon.