Big Shots: "Greatest Amerimart Hero" (Episode 5)

If I hear the words “little black book” or “knobber” ever again I’ll throw my TIVO into the ocean. It’ll be all dramatic and stuff too, just like that old lady in Titanic. Thankfully, though, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about that. The damn Dontrelle storyline looks like it’s finally ran its course. Happy trails, Dontrelle! Here’s to hoping you can afford to buy that vagina soon!

At the end of the last episode, Duncan received an anonymous text message from the keeper of the little black book. As we wait for the demands of the blackmailer this episode, Duncan and Lisbeth prepare to leave town for the weekend to rekindle their romance. Just as they are packing up the car to leave, Duncan receives instructions to have $100,000 ready at 10PM and to wait for a drop-off location. Duncan tells Lisbeth that the Japanese are attempting a takeover of Reveal Cosmetics and that he must head to the office. Vacay cancelled! Lisbeth takes it surprisingly well… for now.

I have to go see a man about a tranny.

Duncan and Brody pack the cool hundred-grand and are told to dump the loot off in a trash can in the NE corner of some park. Here’s where I would be effed; I barely know my right from left… the NE corner? WTF is that? The boys, apparently, don’t have this problem, but knowing their coordinates doesn’t help them anyway. Some kid steals the bag-o-money before the blackmailer can pick it up. Brody runs down and tackles the kid, but it’s too late. The blackmailer pulls an Orlando Bloom (thank you TMZ!) and leaves the scene.

While all this was going on, Lisbeth, feeling bad for Duncan, brought Chinese take-out to his office. Surprise, surprise. He wasn’t there and according to Cam he hadn’t been in all day and there was no hostile takeover in the works. I think Lisbeth might be done with Duncan and his lies and his philandering and his crooked bottom teeth. She later confronts him and begs for the truth. Duncan won’t budge and Lisbeth is driven into the arms of another man, Terrence (of course).

Terrence truly cares about Lisbeth and sends her a wok. I should just leave it at that, but, unfortunately, there’s a story behind it. Earlier in the episode Lisbeth bumps into Terrence on the street (this was before she was mad at Duncan), a little flirtation is exchanged, and Terrence asks if he can join her on her walk. Lisbeth tells him that she is back together with Duncan and that a “walk is never just a walk.” Terrence later sends her the wok with a card that reads, “sometimes a wok is just a wok.” Okay, you get it now? Very clever. Why does shit like that make some girls’ panties all wet? Anyway, it looks like Lisbeth and Terrence will be together for a few episodes. It’s that British accent, I’m telling you.

So, what happened to the little black book, you ask? Well, Duncan receives a final text message that informs him that the book has been sold to the highest bidder. And just when Duncan thinks his life is ruined he finds himself in possession of the book. Terrence bought it. Yep, Terrence; he gives it to Duncan so that Lisbeth can avoid the humiliation that comes with being the ex-wife of a guy who got a knobber from a pre-op tranny. How sweet.

The other boys have got problems too, you know. Karl’s therapist insists that he and Wendy start having sex again. And they do. Wendy gets some advice from Marla on how to spice up their sex life and Karl finds out what an “Argentinean tickler” is. *shiver* Karl also finds out that he’s not very good in bed. Like his wife, he goes to his former mistress for sex advice. Marla, of course, obliges because she loves Wendy so much. They really get into their lesson and Wendy walks in on a very incriminating scene. Just as Wendy decides to leave Karl, he throws her on the floor and makes passionate love to her. *another shiver*

We can always count on that crazy bitch Marla for a good time.

Don't go. I promise to give it to you real good.

You know who isn’t having a very good time? James. You see, he is having trouble balancing the responsibilities of his new career with spending time with his children. Oh, and his evil sweater-wrap-wearing ex-wife has a new boyfriend, Nick. James doesn’t like the idea of some strange man being around his children. After all, “he could be a doomsday cultist [or] he could be a Red Sox fan.” I hear ya brother, Go Rockies!

At James’ son, Dash’s, birthday party James and Nick show up dressed as Dash’s favorite superheroes. Silver Comet and Captain Clobber get into a fight, and let’s just say their outfits left little to the imagination, so it was a good time had by all. Especially me. Stacey must have enjoyed it too because she begs for James to come home. They’re going to have to kill this woman off, aren’t they? When she does die, can they bury her sweater wraps with her? I don’t ask for much, really.

I end with Brody because, well, I forgot about him until now. He was acting very bizarre this episode. At first, he was emotional and “womanly” and then, later, he got all macho and “Clint Eastwood” on us. Well, as it turns out, he was having “He-M-S,” a sort of sympathy PMS a man gets when his wife is on her “cycle.” To counteract these terrible emotions of crying and empathy, Karl gives him some new drug that is essentially testosterone. I know what I want for Christmas. Brody becomes aggressive and gains the ability to tell his wife off. What a man!

I’ll bet you’re real sorry you’re not watching this show now, right?

Don’t answer that, I don’t think Christopher Titus could take it.