Smallville: Action (Episode 705)

Open on a fist. What? It's Smallville. There's fisting everywhere.

Ahem. This one, though, belongs to Lex a bald dude in armor, a red cape, and a silver eye mask, suspended by wires over a pasture at Kent Farm, surrounded by a camera crew and large fans that make it look like he's flying through the air. While hanging perfectly still. Not a green screen in sight. On location, where the surrounding scenery does not move. Well, at least the fake show makes the real show's production values look good.

RAGE, Gay Crusader.

Someone yells "cut," and Clark ambles over to Chloe, who's been watching filming. She thinks it's ironic that they chose a one-theatre town in which to film their "billion-dollar Warrior Angel film." A billion dollars, and they can't afford a green screen? Jeez, for less than a million, Rocky made it look like Sylvester Stallone could act. Chloe waxes on about loving the comic-book story of "a small-town boy who grows up to save the world from the evil Devilicus," but at Clark's look, admits she's distracting herself from thinking about her breakup with Jimmy. Also, in her new singlehood, she's had time to create a backstory for Kara, making her "Google-proof" against any prying eyes. I hope Lana told Chloe about Minnesota.

A small caravan of people part the crowd, leading an umbrella-shaded sexpot starlet to the set. Chloe identifies her as Rachel Davenport, a "super-diva" who has declined all interviews since her arrival in Smallville. Chloe's dying to get an exclusive with her to "put the snap back into [her] editor's suspenders." Kinky. I volunteer. The director calls "action," and Rachel, in character, struts toward a Jaguar, snapping to someone on her cell phone. She climbs in and peels out.

The director calls "cut," but the car doesn't stop. The people on set watch in confusion as the Jag continues off into the dust, while inside the car, Rachel pushes desperately on the brake pedal, to no avail. She screams for help, and Clark's superhearing picks it up. The Jag hits a fence and goes flying, Rachel is flung out the door, and Clark sweeps her to safety and blocks her body from the debris as the car explodes. She's, like, totally grateful.

If I have to be the second-prettiest person on set, I'll take you over Ian Somerhalder any day, baby.

Credits. Who is this John Glover guy, anyway?

Back on the farm, Hollywood has cleared out. Clark is near the house, ramming fence posts into the ground by hand. He notices Lana watching him, and she remarks that there are "other ways to burn calories." Oh, really? You and Clark solve that Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex dilemma? Anyhoo, apparently Lana missed yesterday's superhero shenanigans while in Metropolis visiting Nell, but she shows Clark that he's on the front page of the Smallville Ledger. Up rolls a limousine, and a P.A. hops out to tell Clark that Rachel Davenport has asked to see him.

The Talon has been transformed into the set for another scene in the movie. Fancy table settings and "waiters" in tuxes suggest a classy restaurant, and various crew bustle around getting ready for the shot. The P.A. leads Clark to a make-up station off to the side, instructing him to keep it short and not to ask for an autograph. Hilariously, Clark raises an eyebrow and is all, "No problem." He reaches Rachel's vanity and she calls to the room at large, asking them to give her and Clark a few minutes alone. AS IF. For one thing, a superdiva of Rachel's apparent caliber would not be sitting off to the side like this during set up; that's what her trailer is for. For another, I don't care if you're fucking Tom Cruise, no actor who is not also the director can clear a set, especially not to have a personal conversation. That's also what a trailer is for. Which begs the question of why they didn't shoot the scene in her trailer. God, you guys. I'm a pretty laid-back viewer, and I like this show more than I should because I can forgive a lot, but this kind of stupidity really grates sometimes.

Anyway. Rachel says they're about to shoot the date scene where Warrior Angel stands her up. Clark is surprised Rachel's not in the hospital, but she says she wouldn't be caught dead in one after spending two years on a medical drama. Okay, that was almost funny. She picks up a pair of reading glasses and a Shakespeare anthology, saying that it's refreshing to meet someone who's clueless about her career and who sees "the real [her] instead of the tabloid version." So the real her wears glasses, reads Shakespeare, and orders fifty people off a working set so she can flirt? What a catch.

That which we call a rose / By any other name would still be a bitch.

Just then, the P.A. interrupts to bring in Chloe. Clark introduces Chloe and Rachel, saying that Chloe would love an interview, and Rachel says she'll make an exception for a friend of Clark's. Chloe, however, says it'll have to wait until the police can talk to her about the fact that the accident was caused by a jimmied accelerator and a severed brake line.

At the Planet, Lois hangs up the phone and is bustling about her desk when Babriel storms in to berate her about the Ledger scooping her on the Davenport story. Because Lois is the only reporter he's got? Sheesh. Lois protests that she's following a lead on something hotter: Luthorcorp just purchased a hundred acres of forest land adjacent to the dam "where Lex was building his toy soldiers." Babriel: "And I should stifle my yawn because?" Ha! Oh, Grant Gabriel, I heart you. Lois says it's newsworthy precisely because it's boring, and because it's not about Lex donating to do-gooder causes like he's done so much of late. "Nobody goes to bed Satan and wakes up Oprah," Lois insists. Heh. Babriel is unimpressed, insisting that she needs proof. He advises her to drop it.

Cut to a beautiful stream curving through the forest. Damn, British Columbia is breathtaking. In a cabin, an ashen-faced Lionel wakes slowly to see a woman watching over him. He manages to croak out that he needs water, and she obligingly helps him take a sip from a glass at his bedside. He asks who she is, and she replies in a somewhat insulted tone that her name is Marilyn. When he inquires why she didn't take him to a hospital, she takes offense, saying that he can't even thank her before asking for "silk sheets." Lionel tries to move toward her, but something stops him. He uncovers his right hand, which is IN A BEAR TRAP. Oh man, all that's missing is for Marilyn to tell him she's his number one fan.

Misery is alive! Oooh, I am going to put on my Liberace records!

Lionel says someone will find him eventually, and Marilyn smirks that no one's really looking and perhaps he should find some better friends. She leaves him and walks through a greenhouse of...uh, cannabis? Alrighty. She makes a call, telling the person on the other end that Lionel is finally awake.

In the barn loft, Rachel asks Clark if he's "different from other men." Different, alternative, whatever. Clark says she hardly knows him, but she says she knows enough to know that he has a powerful secret that keeps him from getting close to people. Clark backs away, holding up his script nervously. Yep, they're running lines, and she's waaaay more into it than he is. Heh. Say what you will about Clark, I never get tired of his aw-shucks, socially awkward side, and it's one of Welling's strengths in this role. Eventually Rachel backs him onto the sofa and climbs on top of him, saying he can't hurt her if he loves her. YES, WE GET IT, WARRIOR ANGEL = SUPERMAN. Rachel leans in to kiss him, assuring him it's "part of the scene." Clark protests, saying that he's got a --

"Girlfriend?" Lana appears behind them, one eyebrow raised. Well, sure, but it's not like they've shared a single onscreen kiss since Lana got back. From where I'm sitting, looks like the ol' OTP has developed a slight patina. Rachel excuses herself to go have some cookies and whole milk. Heh. At Lana's inquiry, Clark says he figured Rachel could stay at the farm, since no one would think to look for her here. Except, um, for the fact that the first attack was on the farm? Lana presents an e-mail from Chloe pointing them toward some Warrior Angel fansites. Some of the fans are not happy about the fact that the film breaks from comic book canon by having Warrior Angel's girlfriend survive, whereas in the comics she dies. Clark wonders how they're supposed to weed out the "psycho" from among all these "extreme" websites, and Lana points out a poster with the handle Devilicus Rebel whose posts have become increasingly aggressive.

At Luthor mansion, an aide takes Lex through the finer points of Kara's backstory. So far it looks like there's nothing suspicious to be found, but Lex tells her to keep looking. Clark enters, and Lex picks up the newspaper. "Who needs Warrior Angel when we have our very own Clark Kent?" That, Lex, is the $64,000 question. Clark seeks Lex's help identifying a reference, since Lex is the biggest Warrior Angel fan he knows. Lex says he stopped reading the comics when he realized good and evil were in shades of gray. You know -- dove, slate, ash, etc. Clark points to Devilicus Rebel's post: "Our hero lives in Solitude. Her blood will unleash the truth." This strikes a chord with Lex, who goes to a cabinet containing hanging racks of Warrior Angel comics in sleeves. He pulls out Issue #5, one of his favorites, in which Devilicus shocks the readers by shooting Warrior Angel's girlfriend, and she dies before Warrior Angel can save her. Hollywood, it seems, has opted for the happy ending; but in comics, Lex explains, a hero destined to save the world is destined to be alone.

So she lives. At least the prop guys got the gun right. Pick your battles, fanboys!

Clark looks down at the illustration of the pimped-out gun, which morphs into a live-action shot of the same weapon. Someone removes the blanks from the gun and loads it with a real bullet instead. The camera pans up to reveal the P.A. who's been serving as Rachel's gofer. He passes it off to a prop guy and goes to hide in a wooden crate-type thing where he can watch. Clark similarly watches from the sidelines. "Action" is called, and the dude playing Darth Maul Devilicus points the gun at Rachel. Clark X-rays the gun and sees that a real bullet is being fired. Too fast for anyone to see, he superspeeds in and out of the scene and catches the bullet. None the wiser, Warrior Angel steps in front of Rachel and mimes catching it, and the direcor calls "cut." The P.A. scowls in confusion, and looks up to see Clark nearby, holding a smushed bullet. With his super-hearing, I'm surprised Clark can't hear his wheels beginning to turn.

At Luthorcorp, Lois, dressed in business attire, swipes a card and enters Lex's deserted office. She goes straight to his laptop, congratulating herself on being awesome, when Lex announces that he should change his locks. Oops. He snatches her fake Luthorcorp ID, which identifies her as Sadie Blodgett. Lois asks about the land he purchased near the dam, and Lex retorts that he made no such purchase. Lois produces the deed, which is signed with a very loopy "LL," and suggests that with his father dead, there aren't too many people left with the authority to make purchases on behalf of Luthorcorp. It's not clear whether Lois is suggesting Lana (spoiler!) is the buyer, but that's obviously where Lex's mind goes. A security guard appears, and Lex instructs him to escort Lois out of the building.

At the Cabin of Misery, Lionel watches as Marilyn spritzes her mary jane in the greenhouse across the way. Breathing heavily and nearly passing out, he attempts to pry open the bear trap, and when he can't do that, he slowly pulls his hand out, ripping it to shreds as he does. Let it never be said that Lionel is not a badass motherfucker. With an astronomical threshold for pain.

There are less permanent ways to scratch an itch.

He hides his hand back under the cover and reaches over to knock his water glass off the table. Marilyn comes running, and he thanks her for helping him. She softens and kneels to pick up the glass, saying it's nice to have company, but when she stands, Lionel clocks her with the water pitcher and runs out.

Clark arrives at the farm to find his door blocked by a gauntlet of paparazzi, all of whom fire questions about Rachel at him as he makes his way inside. Betcha that was Tom Welling's favorite day. Inside, he finds Rachel in the living room on a massage table, while a masseuse "de-stresses" her. Clark's all, UM, IF THE PAPARAZZI KNOW YOU'RE HERE, SO DOES THE VILLAIN, OKAY. Rachel dismisses the masseuse and asks Clark to pass her a robe to cover her nekkidness. Clark finds a large padded envelope addressed to him. He opens it to find a Warrior Angel comic depicting the hero catching a bullet, and a note: "I saw what you did. It's your job to save the world. Save it." Clark announces that it's time to leave.

Out in the woods, Lionel runs like hell, when suddenly he comes face to face with a shovel. The shovel wins, natch, and he hits the dirt. Marilyn belatedly catches up and thanks the shovel-wielder, who is...Lana. And circle gets the square. Lana snarls that she doesn't pay Marilyn to make mistakes, but her cell phone rings before she can twirl her moustache further. She answers, telling Clark she's just watching a movie with Nell. Her expression turns to one of concern, and she tells him she'll pick up Rachel right away.

At the Planet, Clark finds Chloe still at work. He asks if she can track the owner of this particular issue of Warrior Angel. In her blog research, she happened to run across a collector who tracked comic sales, and she pulls him up. The issue belongs to Ben Myers of Metropolis.

I want YOU! To be a big gay superhero.

Clark zips over to Ben's apartment, which is littered with Warrior Angel paraphernalia. Ben is not there, but as soon as Clark arrives, Ben appears on his computer screen, watching Clark via webcam. He says he knew Clark would come, as only a superhero would. Warrior Angel was all he had as a child, and he gave Ben hope. "You can't mess with someone's idol," he says. "That's exactly why nobody believes in heroes anymore." Ben explains that just as Devilicus forced Warrior Angel to accept his destiny to save the world, so Ben will help Clark. Apparently the writers have stopped watching Stephen King and popped in M. Night Shyamalan instead. (Unbreakable might be the best superhero movie I've ever seen, by the way. My brother and I saw it together, and as we exited the theater, we heard other people complaining that "nothing happened." Those people were on crack.)

At the Cabin of Misery, Lex meanders through the Maui wowie to find his dad tied to the bed. He rushes in and begins to untie him, saying he never gave up on him. Lionel asks why Lex did this, and Lex says apparently Lionel did give up on him. Marilyn enters with a shotgun, motioning Lex away from the bed. She sneers that Lionel would rather "have his other wrist broke" than have Lex rescue him, but Lionel rears up behind her and knocks her to the ground with some kind of blunt weapon. He continues to bludgeon her, despite Lex's protests, until she is nice and tender.

Now who's a dirty birdy?!

Oh hey, it's Oliver Queen's clock tower penthouse! So Clark has the keys? Alrighty. The fact that the production people haven't demolished the set gives me hope that Oliver will one day return his green leather fetish to Metropolis, so I'll take what I can get. Lana has apparently brought Rachel here for safe-keeping. Rachel apologizes for "running lines" with Clark, wink wink, and assures Lana that she's the only one he wants. Suddenly Ben the P.A. enters, telling Rachel that there are new call sheets. She barely has time to wonder how he found her here, when he tasers her. Lana smashes a vase over his head, but that only works on unimportant villains, and Ben knocks her to the ground and tasers her as well, explaining that killing her is the only way to get Clark to save the world.

Back at the Planet, Clark and Chloe brainstorm about what Ben meant about making him accept his destiny. Chloe: "He didn't think organic farmer was a close second?" Oh, snap. I love that Oliver, Chloe, Kara, Martian Manhunter, hell, even Lex, if he knew -- practically everybody but Lana pretty much agrees that Clark is being selfish hiding on the farm. In the meantime, though, Chloe suggests they find Ben before he "outs" Clark on his blog. The hoyay writes itself, y'all. Clark realizes that if Ben sees himself as Devilicus, then he must be after Lana.

Kill the cheerleader, save the world.

Ben carries a bound Lana onto Oliver's balcony and sets her on the ledge. She struggles, but Ben reasons that until Clark gives up his own desires, thousands of people who need his help will suffer. He pushes Lana over the edge just as Clark arrives, and Clark dives off the tower after her. Other than Lana's hair blowing ridiculously in the wrong direction, it's a pretty cool sequence, actually. Clark looks like he's flying. He catches her, and they gaze lovingly at each other the rest of the way down, until Clark lands with a crunch on top of a car. Heh.

The next day at the Planet, Babriel reads a draft of Lois's article about Lionel's miraculous reappearance. He calls it crap. Lois asks if he's reading it upside down. Heh. Lois says the question is whether Lex used her tip to find his father, or whether he'd been keeping him there the whole time. So I guess she never suspected Lana after all? Too bad. Babriel says the point is that Lois should have stayed away from the Luthors. My mind goes to the possibility that Babriel is in one of the Luthor pockets, but Lois wonders if it's because Babriel is starting to care about her. Babriel huffs that he'll have to babysit her by having her be his plus-one to a ceremony honoring the Planet. Aw, he's kind of adorable, y'all. When Lois asks if this is a date, though, he balks and changes his mind. She shoves the article at him and breezes out, teasing that if she had gone with him, he would have been the arm-candy.

Extra! Extra! Hot, snarky girl reduces loudmouth, snarky editor to blushing boy!

At the barn, Lionel visits Lana in the loft. They both pretend the other doesn't know who did what to whom, but even after Lionel accuses her, she continues to play dumb. He warns her that even if her intentions are to protect Clark, her machinations reveal that her Luthor instincts are still quite active, and that they could lead her down a dark path from which there is no escape. Lionel advises her to let Clark go, before it's too late.

Belle Reve. Lex visits Ben in his cell, presenting him with a stack of rare Warrior Angel comics. Suspicious, Ben asks why. Lex: "Because I've been known to believe in something after the whole world tells me I'm wrong." Wouldn't it be nice if it appeared that was going to be Lex's chief motivation for becoming the ultimate villain, rather than some cheap love triangle. Ben recognizes that line as a quote from Devilicus. Lex wants Ben to tell him more about the man with superpowers he screamed about as he was dragged into Belle Reve. Looking down, Ben comes to a decision, telling Lex it was all in his head. Great scene, y'all. Really good turn by Christopher Jacot.

In the barn, Clark works on a tractor. Offscreen, someone yells, "Help, somebody!" Clark turns to find Rachel standing there grinning at him. Heh. If she learns how not to be a bitch on set, she might turn out all right. Clark: "Ever consider a career in acting?" Oh, a joke. What up, Clark! Rachel hands him a wrapped gift, telling him it's something from the movie that "every superhero needs." A cock ring? She climbs into her limo, calling to an approaching Lana to hang on to this one.

Lana wonders if maybe Ben was right, that instead of looking up to Warrior Angel, millions of people could look up to Clark. She doesn't want to be the one holding him back. Clark insists he's not going anywhere, because he has all he's ever wanted is right here with Lana. Yeah, but it kinda means blue balls for the rest of your life, Clarkie-poo. Raw deal.

Lana returns to the house, and Clark opens his gift from Rachel. If you have no foresight whatsoever, you didn't know it would be a red cape. The wind whips the fabric dramatically, and Clark goes back to the house, leaving the cape draped over the fence. Like a flame? You decide.

It's a metaphor! Or something!

Screencaps courtesy dj_capslock.