A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila - "A Broken Heart" (Episode 104)

Brandi is still somewhat amazed that she's still in the house and says she definitely needs some alone time with Tila. Ryan finds a message in a bottle from Tila. It's time for the guys to face off against the girls in the first (and hopefully last) Tila Tequila "Bi-Athalon," so each team grabs their respective tank top (pink for the gals, of course - which Dani is less than thrilled about) and head outside. Tila's in her "naughty referee" costume, which Ashley says makes her look like a zebra he wants to "jump on and ride." What a romantic guy. Each team member has to blow up a love doll and run an obstacle course. They also have to dig in a plastic pool filled with sand for a necklace. The first team who crosses the finish line gets to spend quality time with Tila either in "heaven" or "hell." Sara thinks the girls are going to lose. The boys get the lead early on, because Ashli was having trouble inflating her doll, which prompted Vanessa to yell "Blow virgin, blow!" Sara helped the ladies catch up and Domenico was having some difficulties on the course. Ashley, "the beast," gets the boys back in the lead. It's Dani versus Ryan for the win. Ryan can't find the necklace which gives Dani the chance to catch up and ultimately win for the ladies. Ryan didn't like losing to the "he/shes" - but technically, "they're guys", according to Domenico. The gals choose to spend quality time with Tila in heaven (of course they do.)

The ladies get dolled up in their finest "skanky angel" outfits (except for Dani, who's decked out in a white oxford and khakis) and are driven to an elegant white house with white rooms and an oxygen bar. Tila greets the ladies in her most provocative angel attire. "Heaven" also includes champagne and a raw bar (booze and seafood - that is heaven!) Back at the house the boys drown their sorrows and bitch about losing the race (if there was seafood there, it would be heaven to me as well. Well, replace the guys with my friends. Then we've got heaven.) All of the girls get "7 minutes in heaven" with Tila. Sara is kind of a homebody, which doesn't seem to be appealing to Tila (she thinks she's "monotone".) Ashli (the only one Tila says "has a right to wear an angel outfit") gets a kiss. Poor Dani not only had a less than impressive angel outfit but gets completely tongue tied when she's around Tila. Brandi heads off to spend her time with Tila and accidentally stepped on a lizard with her monster boot. Tila gets incredibly freaked out (it's the most emotion she's showed towards anyone on the show so far, actually) and Brandi starts to cry. Tila can't spend any quality time with a lizard killer and the gals think Brandi's sunk.

The "angels" return and can't wait to find out what happens to the guys in hell. Dani wants them to get their asses kicked and be completely humiliated (you, me and probably a large portion of the viewing audience too!) Ashley was hoping it would be "Tila time" and not "homo gay stuff." Tila wants to mess with the boys' heads in her dungeon. A red lingerie-clad Tila leads the boys to the dungeon and makes them put on "man cuffs". Ashley volunteers to get spanked and seems to really enjoy it. Tila then forces him into a cage and smashes cake in his face. Domenico gets tickle tortured. Ryan gets hot wax drizzled across his chest (and junk.) Bobby gets put in a stand-up cage. Michael gets put in a cage and has sausages stuffed in his ears (he was expecting more. We were too.) Tila then spends a little quality time with the boys. Ashley wanted to know that Tila cared about him. He told her that she had a hardcore look, but he felt she was a sweatpants girl - because he was too. (Ashley's a "sweatpants girl"?) Ashley is starting to look a little intense, telling Tila he's really falling in love with her. Tila says "Whoa" and thinks "something's a little off about him."

Brandi vows to do "whatever it takes" to spend some quality time with Tila. The gang gets another message in a bottle from Tila. It says "I am starting to have feelings for you but now it's time for you to start feeling me." The gang head downstairs and find Tila, now in pink lingerie, in front of a massage table. Each person has 5 minutes to throw out their mad massage skillz. Ashley can't wait to let her feel his "energy of love" (whatever that means.) The winning man and lady get hot tub time with Tila. Brandi's confident about this challenge because she went to massage school. Bobby goes first and promises "the most ultimate massage." The massages continue and Amanda is getting progressively more upset with each massage. Ashley is also starting to become a green-eyed monster. Domenico devotes his 5 minutes to Tila's rump. As he puts it, "You have to know where to massage a woman. A woman loves when a man massage the ass, because it makes you to feel relaxed...I like to touch asses anyway." (Writer's strike, schmiter's strike - hire Domenico, he's got a million great lines, and I'm sure he works cheap!) Tila picks Brandi and Ryan as the winners of the challenge, and the trio head for the hot tub. Steven said glancing around the room at the losers was "not a pretty sight." Bobby was "hurt." Ashley has mixed emotions bubbling.

Brandi and Ryan spent time with Tila in the grotto. Ryan feels like he's on top of the world. Brandi was happy to have a second chance and Tila was happy that Brandi was opening up to her. Brandi asked for a kiss and Ryan got a turn as well. Tila again reminds us of her dilemma (as if we actually needed a reminder) she loves the emotional bond of women but loves men as brothers (that's a problem!) Everyone is scared about the upcoming elimination. Tila is having an increasingly hard time picking who stays as she's gotten to know everyone better - and she believes that "the one" is still in the house.

Tila dispenses 10 keys - 2 are going home tonight. Vanessa wins the "best t-shirt" award for the week with her "My Friend is a Slut" (complete with arrow) shirt and Ashley is looking disco fabulous in a quiana shirt and poly-blend trousers (and I do believe he has on the white shoes Chevy Chase got from Randy Quaid in "National Lampoon's Vacation.") Ryan gets the first key. Amazon Amanda, Ashli, Michael (who hasn't once mentioned the couch during this episode - good for you!), Domenico, Brandi, Vanessa and Steven are also staying. Tila calls Sara, Dani, Bobby and Ashley up. Dani sticks around by the skin of her teeth, which means dull Sara's sent packing. It's now down to Bobby and Ashley. Ashley went from tool to crazy tool in 48 minutes. He's already talking marriage and kids. Obviously, Bobby is sticking around. Ashley's devastated. He tells Tila he fell in love with her and starts to go off on the others. Bobby is a "frat boy m-f-er", Steven reminds him of his best friend, who's a "snake in the grass" (great choice in friends, Ash.) Steven noted that his "Southern gentleman facade" disappeared in a second. Ashley said that the girls, "other than a couple of them are so screwed up in their heads...they don't know what they want in life." And, in typical reality show tool fashion, Ashley gets belligerent and ends up grabbing Bobby in a headlock. A bunch of underpaid MTV PAs come on set to separate them. Ashley was escorted out of the house but wasn't planning on leaving. He pounded on the door screaming "Tila!" (Just like Brando in "Streetcar" - how crazy romantic.) He's knocking over planters and cussing up a storm, taking a moment out to apologize to his mother for his foul language (now he apologizes for cussing.) Ashley then calls out Bobby and tells him to "bring it." Eventually, Ashley and his Clark Griswold shoes headed down the driveway, never to be seen again. Back in the house, everybody calmed down, but realized Bobby was missing. He was hurt, so Tila called an ambulance and took him to the hospital to make sure he was ok (I'm sure he is.) Wow. What a trainwreck. Until next time, as always, Hey girl, hey!

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