Torchwood: Random Shoes (Episode 109)

The average life is full of near misses and absolute hits, of great love and small disasters. It's made up of banana milkshakes, loft insulation and random shoes. It's dead ordinary but truly, truly amazing. What you've got to realize is, it's all here, now. So breathe deep and swallow it whole. Because take it from me, life just whizzes by, and then, all of a sudden, it's ...

All right, we’re in the Whoinverse; therefore, around episode 9 or 10 we always get the quirky out of place episode. It’s the episode where most of the characters we know and love are simply in the periphery. In some cases, like “Blink,” it can be awesomeness incarnate. In other cases, *cough* “Love & Monsters” *cough,* it isn’t quite as good.

There are several simple rules about the Doctor/Torchwood-lite episodes. The first is that the previously unseen lead character must be quirky. The second is that the aforementioned lead character must have a quirky name that goes along with the quirky tone of these episodes.

The third rule is that even if there are moments of abject terror, it still must be funny. Finally, the fourth rule is that the episode must stand alone.

Since Torchwood isn’t known for having and / or following any rules, lets see how well it fares.

We start with a bunch of numbers. 299792458 metres per second is the speed of light. Pain can travel through the body at 300 feet per second and a sneeze can reach 100mph. With all these numbers, if it weren’t for the accent, I’d assume I was recapping another eppesode of Numb3rs.

Checkmark number one for this Torchwood-lite episode is earned by our both quirky and average name, Eugene Jones. Quirky yet average is also the best way to describe Eugene, who other than being both quirky and average (and no, that’s not an oxymoron) has the distinct disadvantage of being dead. He finds this out after hearing the Tosh, Gwen and Jack talk about him being hit by a car, in the middle of nowhere and what a loser he was. Note to self, one can’t escape the “loser” moniker, even in the afterlife.

Techno-title Flash.

As he questions whether he’s a zombie or ghost, he hitches a ride in the TT-SUV, which gives us the reason for the title, as his phone only has pictures of random shoes. The only one who has any inkling of their ghostly compatriot is Gwen. Funny, I was sure we were told there were no similarities between Eve Myles’ characters in the Whoniverse.

We get the flashback of Eugene’s story. As a kid, he lost an important Mathlete, earning him the disappointment of his father, and the disdain of his classmates. I never knew they took math so seriously in Wales. In order to cheer him up, Eugene’s teacher gives him an eyeball that fell from the sky. Really, I’m not making this up. I guess we can check off rule number three, because raining eyeballs on golfers is funny.

The eyeball makes up for a lot of things. One, it makes up for his dad being angry at him and eventually leaving the family. Two, the eyeball gives him a new focus in life, a close encounter of the third kind. Fast forward into the future and Eugene has focused his alien obsession on one person, Gwen Cooper.

At least he focused on the right member of the team, because if he’d been obsessed with Owen, there’s no way his mother would get as much sympathy as she does. Gwen’s kind and sympathetic. Owen would be all, “Hey, didn’t you teach your kid how to cross the road?” Although, this is about the same level of care and sympathy Eugene’s younger brother has. We do learn one interesting fact from the younger brother. The father supposedly works for a big corporation in the States.

Speaking of Owen, he’s going through Eugene’s room with Ianto, laughing at his alien collection. He even knocks some of Eugene’s comics onto the floor and automatically, Eugene tries to pick them up. Nice and subtle way to earn my sympathy there, writers.

Everything in the collection is a fake. Owen is frustrated that he can’t just leave while Gwen has to find out what one item is missing. Say it with me: the alien eyeball. The mother doesn’t say it with me as she’s still too devastated, watching her son’s alien collection being taken away.

Eugene tries to comfort his mother, but it’s as pointless as trying to pick up his comics.

Back at the Hub, Eugene proves his whole amateur status as he’s less than impressed by the Doctor’s hand in a jar.

On the other hand (pun intended) he is impressed with the Hub, even though Gwen and Owen are arguing about who will chop up his body.

Making sure they’ve covered rule number 3 as fully as possible, Eugene passes out as Gwen starts the autopsy. Who knew it was possible for ghosts to lose consciousness? Before the first incision is even made, Ianto arrives with the news that someone confessed to hitting Eugene, but the driver thought he’d be okay, so he drove on.

Later, ghostly Eugene awakens, and it occurs to me, that from where Ianto was standing earlier, he would’ve been standing in the middle of Eugene. First Eugene’s not noticed by the team in life, then his brother doesn’t really notice him in death. He can’t comfort his mother and then he’s stood on (in? what’s the correct preposition here?) while others learn that his death really was an accident because of his inability to be noticed. Eugene’s life sucked and as he wanders through the Hub, and even back home, it’s like he realizes it.

Back at the Hub, if anyone’s trying to convince us Gwen and Gwyneth are still nothing alike, I wonder why she’s the only one who feels there’s more to the story. Sure, one could argue that she’s more sensitive to the rest of humanity than the rest of the team, but so was Gwyneth. As for Owen, his pride is hurt because the implication is that that the team, including him, is essentially heartless, so to disprove the point, he picks on Gwen. Someone needs to work on expressing the correct emotion at the correct time, otherwise he’s only going to come off as a prat.

As if to prove how big a prat he can be, later Owen is watching the DVD Eugene had with him. Owen was stealing from a dead person? That’s just low. Usually, I get annoyed at Gwen she pulls the “I’m the only caring one here” routine, but in this case, I thought she was a little light on him. All she does is take it back and put it with the rest of Eugene’s stuff. In my opinion, a slap in the head wouldn’t have been out of place.

Determined not to let this go, Gwen heads off to the diner where Eugene ate lunch everyday. The first inkling Eugene has that Gwen can hear him, is when she orders his regular meal, two eggs, ham and chips. The first inkling he gets as to how little his life amounted to is when the owner of the diner has no idea who Eugene is, despite his coming there for lunch everyday.

He continues trying to talk to Gwen, and even manages to convince her to phone Gary, but she acts more like it’s a message to her subconscious.

At the video store, the clerk remembers him, but I think it’s because he owes £34 in late fees. In between bad come on lines, the clerk also implies that Eugene probably killed himself because he was such a loser. It’s an implication Eugene doesn’t like, and tries to justify his life by saying he was waiting for the owner of the eye to come back for it.

As if to prove his own loserishness, we find out he worked for a telemarketer. He “sold life” he says, while waiting for his own. The world has gone on without him, but he’s more distressed because he can’t remember the circumstances surrounding his death. The only person really upset is the aforementioned Gary, who gets all twitchy when Gwen asks if he say Eugene the day he died.

When I first saw the uncaring coworker sign the sympathy card congratulating Eugene on his new job, it was funny. I couldn’t bring myself to laugh at it a second time. I can’t imagine going through life and having that little of an effect on the people around me.

Linda, another coworker, is also devastated. I’d make a “Love and Monsters” connection here, but really, wouldn’t we all rather forget Moaning Myrtle and the implied love scene at the end? Gwen invites her out for lunch to talk before heading back to twitchy Gary.

Owen calls her as she finds the same pamphlet on Gary’s desk that Eugene had in his room. He claims Jack wants to know where she is. Well, last time I checked, Jack was able to stop a gas mask zombie army, live forever and sexually attract anything; therefore, I don’t think a phone confounded him.

At lunch, Linda gives us a few of pieces of information. The first is that Eugene was going to get the money for the pair of them to go to Australia. The second is that this wasn’t a love match thing, as he was in love with someone who was unattainable.

Finally, she tells Gwen that Eugene’s grand plan to move on was to sell the alien eye on E-Bay. All of his workmates find the concept unbelievable, that is, until the bidding hit £15005.50 but no one knows who bought the eye.

A quick phone call sends Gwen back to the Eugene’s mother’s home. Like any good mother, she shows Gwen, the object of his affection, the one video he’d never want her to see – the maths competition and his complete and utter failure. Ironically, the father is cursing out the younger Eugene on video for failing him, but Eugene learned, two weeks prior to his death, that his father was really a cashier that works nights. I’d never mock anyone who works hard for a living, but really, his father shouldn't cast stones, now should he? His younger brother could no longer keep up the pretense that his father is important.

More soul-searching for Eugene, as he realizes that his discovery is the reason he sold the eye. He didn’t want to be like his father, just waiting for something better. So poor Eugene is trying to change his life and gets killed in the process? Last time I checked, the lead character was supposed to be quirky, not a source of extreme pity. I guess Torchwood had to alter the format of this type of episode to distinguish themselves.

As Gwen goes to tell Eugene’s father of his son’s death, Eugene stops her. He based his entire life on stories he told himself about that man and now, only in death, no longer wants or cares for his approval. As if a symbol of his newfound power, Gwen even unwittingly responds to him, “It’s okay.”

In the Hub, Gwen justifies her search for meaning into Eugene’s life. It turns out the eye is a Dogon Sixth Eye – which allows the person to look back on his or her life. Unfortunately for Eugene, this can only happen for him in death, through the vessel of Gwen. Jack gives her one weekend to look into it. His only request is that she not shut her phone off, like she’d done earlier. Now would be a good time to say you’re tired of Owen’s calls checking up on you, Gwen.

Heading off to Aberystwyth for a talk on black holes, Eugene’s happy to be out on a quasi-date with Gwen, even if it is posthumously. There they run into Gary, who admits that he was the one inflating the price on the eye. Instead of cheering up Eugene, as he intended, all it does is convince him that the alien really did exist and is contacting him through E-Bay.

The day he died, Gary admits he met Eugene before Eugene was to meet the alien, and the proof are his the picture of his shoes on Eugene’s phone. Suddenly, Gwen and Gary have the strangest poetic conversation about the location of the alien meeting.

Gwen: And this was somewhere on the A-48 perhaps?
Gary: Or not.
Gwen: Or not?
Gary: Eugene was very secretive, could’ve been in Splott.
Gwen: Splott?

Nothing livens up an exposition scene more than a few random rhymes.

Speaking of random, Gary denies knowing who the other random shoes belong to, but admits that he misses Eugene. At least someone other than his mother finally misses him.

That night, Eugene remembers more about the circumstances surrounding his death. He remembers a door with something about “happiness” on it. While he talks, Gwen goes through the contents of his pockets and finds a piece of tissue with a pac-man / happy face on it. Finally, Eugene comes to the ultimate realization. If Gwen ever does find out what happened to him, then their strange partnership will be over.

When he says he loves her, in her subconscious, Gwen hears it. He even gets to sleep with her, by this I mean literally sleep. Earlier, I learned ghosts can pass out; now I know ghosts also need their rest – and not the eternal kind.

They make their way to the Happy Cook diner, the place of the alien eye exchange and Eugene comes to a sad realization. It was his friends, Gary and the video clerk waiting for him. At first, Eugene doesn’t realize that his friends were the one who made that final bid of £15005.50. At first, they were bidding to up his spirits, and then they bid to push up the price. Although they didn’t bid £15000, they did up it one last time and were shocked to find out they’d won.

Not finding the funny in the joke, Eugene Asks for the money, which, of course, they don’t have. They offer him £34 and the clerk physically tries to take the eye. Okay, the video clerk needs to be hit by a bus. That’s the same amount he asked for from Gwen. There was a legitimate buyer willing to pay £15000, and he screwed his friend out of the money and then asks for reimbursement?

For some reason, Eugene takes the pictures of Gary, the clerk and the waitress’s shoes but the reasoning escapes me. Realizing his friends are then going to turn around and sell it, trying to get the real value, he get’s angry. The clerk mocks him and jokes about a “green geezer with six eyes.” The real question here is, and it is never answered in this episode, how did the clerk know about the sixth eye?

The clerk goes on to say the bidder with the real money collects alien artifacts, Nazi memorabilia and Beanie Babies. Eugene and the clerk tussle over the eye, the waitress tells Gwen and Eugene, and to stop his entire life’s work summing up to £34 and a banana milkshake, he swallows it -- Eugene, not the waitress.

The clerk and Gary try to force it out of him, but Eugene escapes. Just as the waitress finishes telling the story, Gary and the clerk (who has a name, but he’s too much of shithead for me to give him anything other than his lowly title) arrive to try and intimidate the waitress into staying silent. I have to say, the waitress’s pride about her place of employment and sheer no-nonsense attitude, earn my complete admiration. I’m so anticipating her telling them where to shove it, but they spot Gwen before she can.

As the clerk tries to make a run for it, Gary does the decent thing and trips him, preventing his escape. “I miss him!” Gary yells. He tells Gwen the whole story, as a form of penance.

Realizing she’s solved the mystery of Eugene’s death, there’s only one last thing she can do for him and calls the operator to get the number of the garage at which his father works. As Gwen tells the father about his son’s death, Eugene muses on life while remembering his death. In that moment before he died, he’d never felt more alive.

He’s no longer angry about his death, now that he’s had the chance to reflect on his life.

At his funeral, there are few people, but those who meant the most to Eugene: his mother, Gary, Linda, his little brother, Gwen and his father. His mother is unable to deliver the Eugene’s eulogy and the sheer pathos makes me tear up a bit. I so upset, I can’t even make a proper joke about “Eugene’s Eulogy.” His father stands in her stead, “an ordinary bloke who made a mess of things.” He can’t really find the words and sings “O Danny Boy.”

For the last 14 years of Eugene’s life, he was waiting for an alien, when all he really wanted was his father.

At the graveyard, Gwen is pacing nervously, as Eugene realizes his time on Earth is over. She’s sorry that she had to do her job, to retrieve the eye from the undertaker. Later, at the wake, Eugene’s confused about why he’s still on Earth, as the eye is no longer inside him.

The team arrives to collect the eye and at least Eugene gets to witness his triumph. He always believed he had something the team would be interested in.

Before she goes, Gwen stands, watching the reunion between Eugene’s father and his family. In fact, Eugene gets everything he wants as an SUV speeds around the corner, towards an unknowing Gwen. Knocking the eye from her hand, Eugene somehow manages to pull her to safety. Finally, he gets the very last thing he needs before he can move on.

In gratitude for saving her life, Gwen kisses Eugene. Again, I’d usually make a joke, but it’s really a perfect moment. After bringing his family back together, supplying Torchwood with an important object and saving Gwen, he gets a kiss from the woman he’s idolized.

“I think that’s it.” Eugene says to himself more than anyone. He isn’t meaning about saving her life, he’s meaning that's it for his own life. He’s done everything he can. He picks up the eyeball and gives it to Gwen, before moving into whatever afterlife this atheistic show provides. Somehow, I don’t think Eugene’s afterlife is going to be the scary darkness of Suzie’s.

He’s finished with his life, even as Gwen begs him to stay. As he gives the voiceover that started this recap, we get another piece in the modern Whoniverse philosophy. The Doctor, for all his travels, is deeply impressed with and even craves the simple things in life. Jack, for his past scheming finds true happiness with the team. He admires Gwen’s basic humanity and I find it sweet that he holds her hand in comfort as Eugene fades away.

We never get Eugene’s last word on life so I’m going to borrow one from the Ninth Doctor.

Fantastic.