Gossip Girl: Victor, Victrola (Episode 107)

I think we should sic Blair Waldorf on the WGA strike stalemate -- twenty bucks says she could get both sides to sign an agreement within hours just to get her off their backs. Or maybe Serena would be a better bet, with her special blend of sunshine and ditziness. Or Chuck Ass, though he'd probably just piss off the writers by siding with the rich dicks. As a last resort we could send in Nate, sweet chump that he is, and the writers would see how much he needs their direction and guidance. Without the writers, Nate might roam aimlessly among Blair, Serena, and Chuck, searching blearily for meaning and love. Oh, wait, he does that anyway. Never mind!

"Burlesque is all the rage again…and sometimes a little raging is exactly what you need."

"WHAT'S WITH THE BUSINESS FORMAL? ARE YOU BEING ARRAIGNED FOR SOMETHING" -- It's not too surprising that Chuck has a proposition involving booze and scantily clad women, but for once, his dad, good old Bart Badass, is on the receiving end of Chuck's attentions. First, though, Chuck runs his idea by Blair, which is sort of adorable. She gives the plan a big thumbs-up. She's dressed like she's the president of the local chapter of FBLA (not to be confused with NAMBLA, and if you don't know what that means, for God's sake, don't look it up -- they probably leave cookies behind, and I'm not talking Toll-House); she's looking particularly buttoned-up and buttoned-down. At first Bart's impressed with Chuck's initiative in finding a nightclub venture to diversify Bart's portfolio, then dismayed when he finds out that Victrola is an old-fashioned strip club (complete with a fire-eater in the ladies lounge!). But when Bart's lovely young protégé, a kitten reporter who wants to be a cougar, sells him on Chuck's idea, he's once again impressed. Got all that? It's just background noise, really, for the various romantic hijinks that surround it, including: Chuck finding out about Bart and Lily, Chuck misreading Bart's attentiveness to the kitten and telling Lily about it, Bart leaving the kitten with Chuck as he goes to make amends with Lily, and Lily, meanwhile, seeking comfort with Rufus at his gallery, where they lie on the floor to gaze up at someone's art being projected on the ceiling. Lily teases that Rufus will still do anything to get a woman on her back. Hee!

"HONEST COMMUNICATION IS WHAT EVERY GOOD RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON" -- Huh. And here I thought it was all about sharing the remote and not hogging the covers. Poor Jenny Humphrey's having a bad week. Nate approaches her to ask her to keep what he told her at the ball a secret, bribing her with a box of chocolates that he then ends up giving Blair instead when she interrupts their hushed conversation. Blair makes Jenny sweat the broken bracelet from the masked ball before finally covering the cost of the repair, saying it's the last time she'll bail Jenny out. Eventually, Blair forces Jenny to confess what happened at the ball, including Nate's kiss, then dismisses her…forever. *sigh* How will Jenny get back on the Uptown Express now? After overhearing Dan and Rufus talking about AWOLison's affair with a neighbor, and getting some sage sisterly advice from Vanessa, Jenny takes it upon herself to march on up to Hudson and tell her mother she needs to bring her sorry ass back to Brooklyn. I assume she hopes her mom will leave the deadbeat lover up-river. I give Jenny points for optimism and chutzpah, but if AWOLison is anything like Jenny, telling her what to do won't get her very far.

"SOMETIMES TALKING ABOUT IT, OR PLANNING IT, CAN RUIN A GOOD THING." -- Speaking of getting far, Dan and Serena have officially  moved "beyond courtship" as GG puts it, to the point where Serena basically tells Dan she's warm for his form and is waiting for him to pounce. I missed the memo that it was Primetime Threesome Week: First, on my beloved Friday Night Lights, we had Lyla kissing both Jason and Tim (*rowr*), and now we've got a ridiculously sexy dream sequence where Dan watches Nate and Serena go at it while he asks them for tips on whether leg-wrapping and hair-grabbing really work. "It's sexy, right? And it increases stability!" Serena chirps. Heeee! I realize the entire filming crew was on hand while Nate and Serena did their blurry barstool boogie, but somehow having Dan added to the mix hits my kink-o-meter somewhere in the triple digits. Yum. Dan's subconscious is working out its own kinks as he struggles to decide if it's time to lose his virginity to the more experienced Serena. It's kind of nice to see a boy think about that particular subject for longer than the time it takes to unzip. Porn, I mean, "art cinema" is also involved, while Cedric, Dan's Cabbage Patch Kid, looks on with wide eyes from the bookcase. Vanessa, who already disrupted a makeout session by climbing in the fire escape just as Serena was unbuttoning her blouse, razzes Dan about the porn when she walks in -- using a door this time, but still without knocking -- and proceeds to interrogate him about the imminent losing of his virginity. Vanessa's lucky she didn't walk in on more than a quickly shut laptop; she could've gotten quite an eyeful. She advises him to "hide Cedric, maybe get some candles and replace the football sheets," advice Rufus repeats almost verbatim later in the episode, adding that Dan should be safe and not do anything he, or Serena, isn't ready for. That's the extent of the talk? Really? Do you think that's all he'll tell Jenny when she's sixteen? Dan ditches his cute red football sheets, cleans his room, lights approximately nine million candles and banishes Cedric for the duration, all gestures Serena seems to appreciate. When Dan and Serena finally get down to business, here's a lot of heavy breathing and writhing around, but in the end, it's Serena who gets cold feet, saying she's scared, because nobody's ever looked at her the way Dan does. Massive cuddling ensues, and all indications are that Dan's cherry remains unpopped.

"I'M THE ADULT, YOU'RE THE KID" - Lord, these Archibald parents are making all the other Upper East Side parents look like Mike and Carol Brady. Oh, hell, half of y'all probably don't even know who the Bradys are…how about…Sandy and Kirsten Cohen? Season One? Before the alcoholism and the affairs? Remember them? Anyway, after spending an hour with Ann and "Howie" Archibald (no wonder he prefers "Captain"), I understand Nate a whole lot better. C'mere, Nate, sweetie, you poor thing, let me give you a big hug. The Archibalds and the Waldorfs plan a dinner party to celebrate their two upcoming unions -- Bitchy and the Captain's business deal, and Blair and Nate's eventual presumed nuptials, complete with Cornelius Vanderbilt's diamond engagement ring. "I've landed the Waldorf account, and you've landed a Waldorf!" the Captain tells Nate. Things are a little strained and awkward, since Nate has tried to talk to his dad about his little *sniff-sniff* problem *sniff-sniff*, to no avail. In fact, after Howie promises Nate he'll flush the coke, he goes out and buys more, which Nate sees. Then Nate tries to tell his mom about his dad's drug problem, but she just turns it right back around, saying his dad's under a lot of pressure, and that NATE is contributing to that with his little "rebellions." Excuse me? The hell??? Nate invites his dad out to smoke a cigar, and they have an argument that results in Howie popping Nate in the mouth right there on the sidewalk in front of the building, in view of the doorman, Blair (who's watching from the window) and a couple cops who happen to be driving by. Ha! Take that, you shithead! Howie tries his usual bluster, but this is the NYPD we're talking about here, and they're not impressed by much, especially not a blowhard like "Captain" Archibald. "Check his pockets while you're at it," Nate says under his breath to the cop as he passes. That's my boy! Wow, Nate's hot when he's working the righteous anger angle. Give me more of that, show! We learn later that the assault and possession charges are just the tip of the iceberg -- Howie's been a bad, bad man. The cops have been putting together a case for fraud and embezzlement for some time, and now, those chickens are coming home to roost. If I didn't feel so bad for Nate, I'd be crowing a little louder about that.

Nate pays off the doorman who witnessed the whole sordid scene to say Howie "went home sick," but Blair's not so easily dismissed. She comes out and confronts Nate about all the secrets he's been keeping. She tells him what Jenny told her, finally asking, "Do you love me?" … *crickets chirp* … You know, right now, with his mouth bleeding and his dad headed for the hoosegaw, he might have more on his mind than YOU, Blairbear. Gathering her composure around her like an Hermes scarf, Blair tells him to go to his dad. "He needs you…I don't." She then proves it by stealing the town car Nate had been about to get in, and heading off to Chuck's party to show off her moves and her underwear. All she needs now is tassels! And tips!

Chuck rented out the entire club for this week's big blowout, which ends up being a bunch of people we don't know, a sweet transvestite in a fabulous flapper dress, Blair, and Chuck. Blair shakes off her cares about breaking up with Nate with a whole lotta champagne and a hot little striptease as Chuck looks on in apparent wonder at her transformation from prim and proper corporate maven to slip-shod vamp with come-hither eyes and silk-clad booty. After the party, Chuck takes Blair for a ride …and then takes her for a ride, relieving her of the loathsome burden of her virginity in the backseat of his limo. They're hot together, no question about that, with their dark hair and fair skin, and Blair's not exactly innocent (not anymore, anyway!), but I'm bummed about this for a variety of reasons, including: 1) God knows where that boy's been; 2) Really, B? You're giving it up to the guy who you yourself said likes to talk about his conquests? 3)  Hello! Have you forgotten he's a date rapist?? Because I sure haven't; and 4) Um, isn't he sorta gay for Nate? There's also the fact that in the books, Blair loses her virginity under much different -- and I think much better -- circumstances, and I'm sorry the show rushed in a different direction. Chuck seems like a great guy if you need a hooker, some quality weed, or a burgundy velvet smoking jacket with satin lapels, but may not be the best choice for a deflowering, especially in a moving vehicle. Chuck's interactions with women thus far have tended toward fleeting, procurial, or borderline felonious, so I'm somewhat skeptical of this latest development. It's not hard to see how it happens -- they're both bitchy queens with entitlement issues and soft spots for their BFFs, so in some ways, they're a good match, and I can't deny that Chuck looked quite smitten as he watched Blair strip off her haute couture, but still…hotness alone isn't enough to convince me that this was a good idea.

"Prohibition never stood a chance against exhibition. It's human nature to be free. No matter how hard you try to be good, you can't keep a bad girl down."

Unless you're Chuck, in which case, you just lean on her a little more.

Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Gossip Girl:

Sex is meaningful…like art.
It's not porn; it's "art cinema."
Always change the sheets before you have sex. And preferably after.
If your first time is in the back seat of a car, make sure it's a limo.

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