Men in Trees: The Girl Who Cried Wolf, Pt. 1 (Episode 205)

In this first part of two episodes, there are wolves afoot in Elmo, and not just the usual two-legged variety. Apparently, the four-legged beasts are threatening the safety of the townsfolk. They're posing more than just physical harm, too. Like a pint of ice cream before bedtime, they got into Mai's subconscious and caused her to have a bad dream about Marin and Jack. Mai hurries to Marin to tell her about the nightmare, saying, "You needed Jack and he was gone! Poof!" Wow. So not like a pint of ice cream before bedtime. You know, how it just sits in your stomach and makes you hate all wretched dairy products.

In church, Eric is getting all kinds of non-traditional on his parishioners' butts. He preaches about how sometimes you wanna kick God out of bed, how God is a Him or a Her, and then Eric gets caught after his sermon kissing on Sara. Man! The guy really just needs to get laid. But then there are those vows. Argh! The parishioners, meanwhile, seem to need a good roll in the hay, too, because they deliver a letter to Eric, who has to appear before his church board. They can't believe he'd be in a sexless relationship with Sara, the town's former prostitute. Um, these people really need to Google Mary Magdalene. Yeah.

Annie's mom, Mary Alice, is back in town to help with wedding preparations. She's quickly given a bright yellow Mother of the Bride shirt and a place within Mai's Chinese dragon, which will be appearing at Annie and Patrick's wedding. Mary Alice also has a fun announcement: She's brought Domino Dan, Annie's cat, to be in the wedding, just as Annie always wanted! Woo hoo! A cat in a wedding! Yeah, because cats are so easy to train. Jeez, I can't even get mine to stop yelling in my face at 6 a.m. Anyway, Domino Dan is supposed to be the ring bearer. Ha ha! Yes! Attach one of the most important things for a wedding to a cat! Again, cats can't be trusted. If I ever die without anyone knowing, my cat would give me about two weeks before turning me into Kitty Kibbles.

At the Chieftain, Ben is getting carried away with plans for his hockey team. He's letting the mascot drink for free and negotiating for a goalie. By the way, the mascot? Yeah, this guy DIGS the costume. He wears it during the entire episode!

Annie and Patrick are at their wedding rehearsal. They give good ol' Domino Dan the rings and wait for the cat to walk up the aisle. Well, it doesn't happen. One of the church parisioners opens the doors and the cat bolts. This is just Bad Omen #1, which sets off Mai's dire predictions about how the union is doomed. Also, during the rehearsal, before Domino Dan ditched, the "Biomoms," Celia and Mary Alice decide to have lunch - without Mai. Ouch.

Marin returns home to hear a rustling in her backyard. She freaks out and calls Jack. It turns out to be Ben's drunk mascot. Marin worries about who she'll call when Jack is gone. She and Jack almost kiss, but he pulls back and tells her he can't because he'll want to stay. She says she gets it and tells him to go. He tells her he'll stay if she wants him to. She says she doesn't want to be "that girl." Oh honey, you already are that girl. Jack storms off.

Celia and Mary Alice are having their not-so-covert lunch at the Chieftain. Mid-toast, they are interrupted by Mai. She's hurt to have been left out of the lunch and storms off. Yeah, lotsa storming off in Elmo these days.  

Speaking of which, one of Annie's eyebrows storms off during her beauty regime. Like Dr. Christina Yang before her wedding in "Grey's Anatomy," Annie too has become an eyebrow short of a pair. Later, Jack sees the missing brow and can't hold back his "whoa." Good one, Ace.

Eric and Sara are having dinner when Eric opens up to Sara about having "soul block." He reveals that he's being called in front of the church board. Eric reassures Sara that he will be all right and kisses her until his vows again stop him before it gets too far.

Celia is called to the scene at the Chieftain to break up some kind of weirdness going on between the mascot and Mai's dragon, which turns out to be a drunk Mary Alice. It was kinda like a fight, but kinda not. Eh. Celia takes both of them to sober up in jail. Mai comes down to give them her hangover remedy and confronts Celia about the lunch with her new "drunkety-drunk best friend." "I was just being sociable," sputters Celia. Mai erupts with a "You hate society!" That Mai, she's a quick one. Mai tells Celia she is not talking to her anymore, which may or may not be a bad thing.

Again, we find ourselves in church as Eric begins preaching about charity and faith. But there's no charity among the faithless when his parishioners refuse Sara a seat. Citing their lack of faith in him, Eric quits. He chooses Sara. While his decision may do wonders for his and Sara's relationship, he now can't perform Annie and Patrick's wedding at the church. Bad Omen #2. Still, Annie holds it together pretty well - her mom reminded her earlier that the women in her family don't cry at their weddings - and tells Patrick that although she wanted church bells and two eyebrows, all she really needs is Patrick.

All Marin needs is some exercise as she goes out for a jog. A wolf runs into her path and bares its teeth. This wolf...looks a lot like an ugly dog. A fluffy ugly dog. Rather than let her fear overcome her, Marin regains her composure and tells it to "please move." And it does. Huh. It probably was late for tea or something. I'm surprised it didn't say, "Oh, my bad." Marin goes to Jack's to apologize for her behavior and tells him she's sad he's leaving. Well, "sad covered in a coating of mad and bitchy." Yeah, I've had that dessert once or twice.

Things seem to be improving as Ben gets the Russian goalie he wanted and Patrick gets a huge bell to install atop their house. The goalie, I understand. The bell? What, he couldn't find a CD of bell sounds? You know this isn't going to end well - and it doesn't. Ben gets busted by the liquor board for letting his customers behind the bar to serve drinks while he's making hockey deals, and Patrick falls through the roof of the house, destroying a ancient lucky tea set that had been in Mai's family for centuries. A tea set that guaranteed no divorce or early death. So not only do Annie and Patrick not have a reception site, but now Patrick's a little worse for the wear after the accident, which destroyed a tea set I saw for $2 in Chinatown. Bad Omens #3, #4 AND #5. Mai can't keep it in any longer and blurts out that the union is cursed! Cursed! Cuuuuursed! Annie can't hold back either and tearfully cancels the wedding.

Marin's end narration looks at the fight or flight response. "Faced between a choice of fleeing or fighting, sometimes even the strongest of us run. Animal instinct serves animals well, but we are human and we make mistakes." Making somewhat of a mistake is Eric who goes to Sara's house to finally get it on with his babe. Vows? We don't need no stinking vows! As Marin continues about the lone wolves among us, we see drifter Cash return to Elmo. Finally, we see Domino Dan turn up at Marin's. He's brought some friends. Some big, angry, snarling friends. No, not the parishioners, but the wolves. This time, Marin's polite "shoo" doesn't do the trick with that one fluffy, ugly dog. Holding tight to Domino Dan, Marin faces a pack of wolves. Well, one wolf and about three fluffy, ugly dogs.