A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila - "The Cat Fight" (Episode 106)

Vanessa finds Tila's message in a bottle. It's time for the gang to prove that they have "exotic tastes." Amanda notes that since Tila's a "world traveler" it's going to take "someone incredible" to keep up with her (In this house there's lots of incredulous, I've yet to see someone incredible.) The gang head outside for their challenge. Ryan muses aloud, "It's gotta be better than the pie....Dear God, what is that?" It's worse than pie, it's "Fear Factor." There are two tables with lovely severed, skinned bulls' heads as the centerpieces, complemented by roaches and maggots in jars. Dani said that the roaches were the big, "steal your wallet" sized ones (she's from my home state of Florida, so she knows of what she speaks.) Tila wants to make sure that whomever she picks can keep up with her globetrotting tour schedule (who is she now, Bret Michaels?) The winner of the challenge gets to share a private champagne bubble bath with Tila (not a tub filled with champagne mind you, but a champagne glass-shaped tub, just like the ones you'd find in a "love hotel" in Niagara Falls or the Poconos.) For this challenge, the boys and girls have to consume a bull's penis and testicles. The guy and girl who eat the most will face off in the final round. Amanda, a vegetarian, says this is the hardest thing she's ever had to do in her life (she hasn't eaten red meat in 15 years.) And they're off...

Tila, who loves to yell out inappropriate things during these challenges, screams at the teams to "Swallow those balls and penises!" It's gross, needless to say. Brandi thought if she cut it up, it would look more like sausage - too bad it didn't taste like sausage. Dani provides the clip that you'll definitely see on "The Soup" this weekend, "SO this is absolutely the first time I've had c**k in my mouth and it's the last time I want to choke on it." Domenico came in with the runner-up line "I don't really feel like eat penis and testicles for lunch...I usually eat them for breakfast." Amanda said she'd rather eat doo-doo than the beef, even though she confessed "I hate poop. Poop freaks me out." Vanessa says she just can't get a penis and balls down her throat for anyone (not even Tila) and is crying during the challenge. Much more retching, gagging and general grossness ensues. Tila notes that Bobby's in the lead and he "loves penis." (Calm down, girl!) Amanda is the victor for the ladies and Bobby wins for the boys.

Round 2. Tila's upped the "ewww factor" this time - eyeballs, a heart and a shot of blood. Bobby chugs the shot of blood like the frat boy he is. Dani tried to coach Amanda by using some role playing ("C'mon, you're at a bar...") and she does manage to get it down. Bobby's treating the nasty food as a delicacy and manages to choke it all down, winning the date. The rest of the gang have to make (normal, animal part-free) desserts while Bobby and Tila are spending their one-on-one time together. Amanda feels bad that she lost out on the date, especially because she "compromised my ethical, like, stance." And she consumed 5,000 calories of fat.

That evening the gang gather in the kitchen to make their desserts and, of course, a food fight ensues. Everyone seemed to be having fun except for Steven, who was worried about cleaning up. Steven starts to taunt Brandi and she tries to put frosting on him. He grabs a (table) knife with frosting on it and tries to put it on her. She gets mad and tells him to get the knife out of her face. Dani said everyone else could feel the tension mounting between the pair. Steven's motives were innocent, he claims, and he vowed never to mess with a fight-picking lesbian on her period. Brandi moves on to Vanessa, who notes "Who's the angry bitch now?" Brandi tells her to just drink her vodka. Great comeback, Brandi. Vanessa retorts with "I drink vodka, you act like a slut." Ouch. They continue to squabble and insult each other. Vanessa says the one thing she's learned since being in the house was to "control herself" - and then we flash back to last week's drink-throwing, profanity-spewing, bird-flipping tirade - oh, she's learned alright.

Tila was excited to finally spend some quality time with Bobby. Bobby was excited as well; so much so that he pretty much fell into the tub. Spaz. They got to know each other better - Tila talked about her lonely life as a rock star (wait, did I miss something here? The girl has over 2 million "friends" for goodness' sake!) Bobby noticed that she had a sweet side that craved security and hoped to offer her that security. Bobby's heart was broken by Tila's sad tale. Tila's heart "fluttered." Bobby's "tingling." He told her those three magic words... "I have VD" "I love you." Tila felt put on the spot, as she liked Bobby, there were other people she was falling for in the house. And then, they make out.

After her make-out session, Tila headed outside for the dessert tasting. Tila loved Amanda's chocolate cheesecake. She also admired the fact that she ate meat for her. Tila tried everything and said she was "in love." She spotted what she thought was an upside down cake, but was actually Domenico's "cherry (something unintelligible but vaguely Italian.)" Tila tried it and thought Domenico was playing a prank on her. It was awful. He even topped it with cream of tartar (I thought it was powdered sugar.) What a gourmet. Tila spent a little one-on-one with everyone. She can't believe she's falling for more than one person at the same time. Dani's quality time is interrupted by Steven and she got steamed, which turned Tila on. She left them with a hearty "you suck" to Steven. Steven got aggressive and got on top of her, kissing her as more of a show to the others than anything else. Tila was turned off. Steven said he "earned it." Tila said Brandi was getting cuter every day. Vanessa horned in on their quality time. Tila is over the drama and had a lot to think about, so she left for the evening.

The next morning, Domenico (how many headbands does this guy have anyway?) finds another message from Tila. "It's time to put up or shut up." Everybody was scared, it didn't sound good. They met Tila in the living room and she told them they were going to get everything out in the open. They had to determine who (besides themselves, of course) in their opinion was most and least compatible with Miss T. Everybody was nervous and looked uneasy. They had 15 minutes to make their decisions. Bobby's up first. He picked Brandi as most compatible and, in a surprise move, Vanessa picked Brandi as well. Dani picked Domenico and Steven thought his main competition, Bobby, would be most compatible. Brandi picked Amanda. Domenico returned the favor and chose Dani, as did Ryan and Amanda. Since Dani got the most votes, she's going to spend some one-on-one time with Tila over dessert. (Yay, Dani!)

It's time to see who everyone thought was least compatible for Tila. Steven picked Domenico, as did Ryan. Domenico was hurt. Vanessa chose Ryan (he was forgettable in her eyes.) Amanda picked Vanessa, the attention whore. Dani, Domenico and Bobby also chose Vanessa. Now it's Vanessa's turn to be hurt. Brandi, no surprise, also picked Vanessa, who immediately struck back by telling Tila that (although she's no snitch) Brandi said she wasn't sure if she wanted a guy or a girl. Brandi called Vanessa a "conniving liar." The two then start crying. As least compatible, Vanessa gets to have dinner with TT so she can attempt to repair the damage done (everyone looked surprised/disgusted/annoyed that she actually got a pseudo-date in the first place.) Everyone else would see Tila again at elimination.

Tila and Vanessa had their dinner date in the treehouse. Tila said this was her "last chance." Vanessa says that inside her hard shell is a soft person. She kept going on and on about everyone else in the house. Tila was kind of offended that Vanessa didn't ask her one question and didn't let her get a word in edgewise. Vanessa's (often repeated) message was that she knew who she was and didn't need to defend herself anymore. Tila was exhausted. Vanessa thought they really connected on their date and would be surprised if she were the one sent home. Dani's dessert date went much better. She's starting to come out of her shell and come into her own. Tila's digging her androgynous vibe (it's "the best of both worlds.") They were laughing and joking...and kissing. Tila went back to her room to attend to the eliminating. As always, "it's so hard."

It's elimination time. Amanda and Bobby got the first keys. Ryan and my girl Dani were the next pair to stay. It's down to Domenico (sans headband!), Steven, Brandi and Vanessa. Domenico survives "to expresss fully himself" (thank God - I can't live without my wacky Italian), but Steven doesn't. He says he doesn't have anything to apologize for and leaves Tila with "As long as you're happy." Bobby was happy that the guy he felt was his main competition was going home. Brandi and Vanessa are both crying. Tila decides to keep Brandi and Vanessa brought the crazy - grabbing Brandi by the hair and dragging her to the floor. The cat fight is on...meow! It takes a bunch of folks (including some poor, underpaid, MTV PAs) to break them apart. (They cut away to Domenico and he either looks really pissed or about to cry.) Vanessa is screaming and knocking glasses over. Brandi tells Tila she loves her but she "can't do this anymore." As Vanessa is carried (literally) out of the house, she tells Tila that Brandi's hiding something. Brandi tells Tila that she doesn't want to disrespect her and can't take the key. Huh? Wha? To be continued - and, just like "I Love NY 2", someone's coming back. Lala perhaps? Oh, by the way, ASALWTT now has it's own, "Soup"-like recap right after the show. A little overkill, MTV? Or do you just want to beat us all to the punch? (But they did show some clips of my favorite contestant of all time, Keasha!) Until next week's dramarama, hey girl, hey!