Gossip Girl: Seventeen Candles (Episode 108)

If Blair Waldorf's seventeenth birthday party is an espresso, my night was more like a lukewarm mug of chamomile tea. Our entire family got flu shots yesterday, and despite Advil all around, we're hurtin' pups, so bear with me as I try to sort out the sortie for y'all while I type mostly one-handed and go "ow ow ow" a lot.

"Happy Birthday to who? Forget cake and ice cream; I'm saving room for just desserts."

"ONCE I COMMIT TO SOMETHING, I STICK WITH IT" -- Jenny succeeded in convincing AWOLison to come home from Hudson. Rufus remains nonplussed about that for much of the episode. Dan rags on her for leaving in the first place, and Jenny just wants her mama. There's a weird disconnect going on, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the actress cast as AWOLison looks like she should be doing Clearasil ads. Seriously, she could be Jenny's younger sister. Of all the wonderful actresses in New York City who could realistically play the mother of kids who are sixteen and fourteen, they chose her? WTF? She tells Rufus, "My whole adult life has been about you." She means, of course, not just Rufus, but the kids, too. Oh, I'm sorry, AWOLison, that nobody told you parenting isn't the kind of thing you get to quit once your kids hit puberty. In fact, given the evidence we've seen so far, there's never a more important time to be there for your kids. The best advice I ever got as a parent was from Vicki Iovine's Girlfriend's Guide To Toddlers:  "Be present, be loving, be as consistent as possible." I think you'll agree that anything intended for toddlers probably translates well for the teenage years, another stage when hormones take over, tempers flare and it's all about asserting independence. I'm the first to admit that that following Vicki's advice is easier said than done, but the whole "be present" part is a great place to start. AWOLison says to poor pussy-whipped Rufus, "Don't act like you care what I want," and Rufus folds like he's holding a pair of deuces, resulting in make-up sex on the floor. Jenny's all aglow when she finds them in their post-coital haze, chirping, "As you were!" at them, but I don't have a good feeling about this. At all. I think our favorite Humphreys are about to get their collective hearts broken again.

"I TELL VANESSA EVERYTHING. I HAVE SINCE I WAS SIX" -- Blah, blah, blahty blah blah. That's what I hear whenever Vanessa opens her mouth. She seems to have mistaken 'best friend' for 'annoying bitch' as she continues to do her level best to come between Serena and Dan. This leads to Dan bringing Vanessa to Blair's seventeenth birthday bash, where he's meeting Serena as his date. Serena's more magnanimous than I would be in the face of that kind of chutzpah, and graciously goes out of her way to bond with V. There's a Guitar Hero death-match which left both My Mister and me with raised eyebrows. Blake Lively can carry off a hell of a lot with style and pizzazz, but the whole "Freebird" scene went on waaaaaaaaaay too long. In the end, all three are friends? I guess? I might have dozed off somewhere around the time when the term "best friend" got bandied around for the eightieth time.

"I SUCCUMBED TO INEBRIATION, PERFORMED AT A SPEAK-EASY, AND SURRENDERED MY VIRTUE TO A SELF-ABSORBED ASS" -- Just in case there was any lingering doubt that Blair gave it up to Chuck in the back of his limo, she lays it right out there when she goes to "confess" her sins to a priest. He offers her the following sage advice: Don't drink. Keep your clothes on. Try to avoid those who encourage you to stray. Couldn't have said it better myself, Father! Though I might have added, while I had her attention: Treat others the way you want to be treated. What Blair really wants, though, is for the priest to grant her birthday wish. The priest indulgently explains that he's a priest, not a genie, so she says the next time he talks to "Him", to please ask Him to send her boyfriend back, like Nate's a puppy who got out in the yard by accident and has been piddling on the rose bushes and digging up the geraniums.

Our main storylines weave a particularly complex web tonight, with Blair's birthday party at the center. Chuck wants more of that sweet uptown ass, so he's moved into stalking mode. Blair just wants to forget it ever happened, especially since she's determined to get Nate back. She's put jewelry she wants for her birthday on hold at a store, in hopes that her mother and Nate will go buy her something pretty. Even though she and Nate have broken up, she still expects him to come to heel, buy her a present, and call her at midnight, like he's always done. Nate, though, still has a lot more on his mind than Blair, namely his parents' blind refusal to see the shitload of shit they're up to their necks in. His mom, who I think might win the honor for Worst Upper East Side Parent EVER (and when you think of the competition for particular award, it's a little chilling to think of being at the top of that god-awful heap), is still trying to foist blame for Howie's actions on Nate, and still expects him to clean up the family mess. How's he supposed to do that? By getting back together with Blair -- complete with presenting her with the Vanderbilt engagement ring as a "special" birthday gift -- thus re-sealing the fraying edges of the business deal between Bitchy Waldorf and Howie. Nate takes a walk and reluctantly calls Blair, suggesting that maybe they were too hasty with the whole breaking up thing. Blair's delighted that the priest granted her wish so quickly, but rather than be honest and upfront, she plays Nate, telling him they'll have to take it slow and he'll have to really work for it. Because Nate's given us so much reason to believe that hard work is something he enjoys. *eyeroll* He tells Blair he's got a special present he wants to give her, and Blair tells him to bring it to her party, then hangs up before he can say anything else.

From there, Nate goes to see Chuck at The Palace. Chuck's understandably reluctant to let him in. "I can hear you breathing on the other side of the door," Nate says. Hee! Nate spills his guts to a noticeably uncomfortable Chuck, telling him how his parents want him to get back together with Blair to save the business deal. Chuck ponders for a minute, then says, "If you're done with Blair, be done. Don't cave to your parents' wishes if they're not your desires." When Nate calls Chuck on his change of 'tude, reminding him about how he encouraged Nate to seal the deal and tap that ass, Chuck says, "I care about three things, Nathaniel -- money, the pleasures money brings me, and you. I'm just trying to have your back here." My Mister piped up, "Trying to have your backside." And that's why we love My Mister. I can make a whole argument about how Chuck and Blair is really more about Chuck and Nate, but ow ow ow, my arm's killing me, so we're moving on.

At Blair's party, Chuck and Blair have a pretty hysterical exchange that starts off with Blair saying, "You nauseate me." Chuck counters with, "I haven't slept. I feel sick, like there's something in my stomach…fluttering." *snort* Blair tells him to murder those butterflies in his stomach, dismissing him. As GG puts it, Hell hath no fury like Chuck Ass scorned: he takes it upon himself to tell Blair that Nate only wants to get back with her to save the deal between Howie and Eleanor. She's sure he's wrong, and says she knows Nate will call her at midnight, just like he always does. Chuck says if Nate calls, he'll leave Blair alone, but if Chuck "wins," then Blair has to spend the night with him. Okay, y'all. I know there are a lot of Chuck/Blair fans out there, but really? That's just...gross. Chuck's still got to dig himself out of quite a deep hole with me, and betraying his best friend's trust to get in Blair's expensive lingerie isn't the way to do it.

Nate spends most of the evening fretting and wandering, kind of like always, but a chance meeting with Jenny Humphrey outside Blair's party seems to lead him in a new, less passive, less hazy direction, and I'm all for that. He's got the ring in his pocket, but doesn't want to go in; she's avoiding the drama going on at home and would like to go to the party, but feels pretty sure that Blair won't want to see her. Instead, they go for a walk-n-talk, and even though I have to cover my eyes since Taylor Momsen is fourteen and Chace Crawford is twenty-two, they're very sweet together. He tells her about how hard his parents are pushing him to do something he doesn't want to do, and asks, "If I do it now, when does it stop?" She says, wise beyond her years, "It stops when you stop it." As Nate calls a cab to take Jenny home at the end of the evening, he asks if her parents will be mad because she's out so late. She says they won't, because they think she's with a friend. "Then they think right," Nate says, and he's so ridiculously charming that it's no surprise when Jenny gives him a blinding grin and launches herself into his arms, wrapping him up in a big hug. Can't blame her a bit; I'd have done the same in her place!

One of GG's technomice snaps a photo of Nate and his "mystery girl" and sends it to Blair at her party, with a syrupy, "Happy Birthday, B!" text message attached. It's a call at midnight, all right, but not the one Blair had hoped for. Everyone at the party gets a copy of the picture, leading Blair to reveal tearily that yes, she and Nate broke up, and that the only reason he'd get back together would be because of their parents' business deal. Then she exits dramatically, shutting herself off in a conveniently placed bedroom nearby. Chuck comes to talk to her and gives her a beautiful diamond necklace -- the one she'd picked out at the jewelry store and assumed Nate had bought for her. He puts it around her neck and says, "I really am sorry," when Blair says, "I think it's really over." And then he nudges at her and kisses her shoulder and next thing we know, they're at it again! *facepalm* Only this time, Serena sees them; as she pushes open the door slowly, they're writhing around on the bed.

"Spotted: B, turning another year older, but not necessarily wiser."

No shit. Let me get this straight: Blair, who did her best to annihilate her best friend for sleeping with her boyfriend…turns around and sleeps with her boyfriend's best friend. Again. And don't tell me "they were on a break!" because Blair spent the entire episode trying to get Nate back, and then, the minute he didn't call, what, thar she blows!?!?

Remember the three things Chuck says he cares about? Seems to me Blair must go in the category of one of the pleasures money brings him, since she's not Nate, and she's not made of money. It's sad. I'd like to think Chuck is redeemable -- most people are -- but given how easily he was willing to 1) sell out Nate when it gave Chuck an advantage, and 2) hurt Blair to get her back in bed with him, I'm not feeling the Chuck love.

To end on a good note, I'll tell you that Nate goes back home, chucks the ring on the coffee table and tells his parents to go fuck themselves. Oh, he's more polite than that; he was raised right, after all, but he shows both balls and backbone as he stands up to his folks. I have to say, he's incredibly attractive while doing so. Yum. And yay! The first step in solving a problem is admitting your parents have one!

Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Gossip Girl:

Money marries bigger money.
When you get a boyfriend, your best friend gets shafted becomes your second best friend.
Sex is a commodity, like pork bellies and blood diamonds.
The best position to show off a fancy new necklace is flat on your back.