Dirty Sexy Money: The Wedding (Episode 107)

I... sorta.Karen and Freddy are canoodling in bed on the morning of their wedding day. Freddy wonders if it isn’t bad luck; Karen doesn’t think so. She asks what that wives’ tale is all about anyway. Brian, seated at the foot of the bed, exasperatedly informs her that it’s about seeing your beloved for the first time again. He rises and asks if they’ve thought about their vows. They sit up, and Freddy says he’d like a golf theme. Karen shakes her head, saying they just need to have and hold, in sickness and in health, and an open bar. Well said, Darling. Brian says that as her brother, he doesn’t care what they say, but as a minister, he has to honor the “eternal union.” The words hit Karen straight in the face and she pales, saying that Brian can do what he wants but to keep it short. Freddy’s like, boo-yah wedding! In it to win it! Karen looks ready to vomit.

Press conference. Patrick, in his office of attorney general, has indicted two of the city’s biggest real estate developers on many counts of bad shit. He says this is a message to all like businessmen that their corrupt practices will not be tolerated. One reporter asks if this won’t bring Patrick into conflict with his dad; he says it’s not about Family, it’s about New York.

Tish works on last minute wedding details when Karen, clad in a bathrobe, slumps in for coffee. She confesses that she’s having second thoughts. Tish asks if it’s about Nick; Karen says she hasn’t even thought of him today. It’s more about Freddy and how he’s a vapid airhead of redundancy. Tish tells her she’s like Tripp, always wanting fairy tale romance. Marriage is about waking up every day and saying, “I choose you again today, no matter what.” Karen, not even trying to be mean, says, like Tish chose Tripp and/or Dutch. Tish admits she chose both.

Tripp reams out Patrick over the phone for going on a vendetta against his friends. Pat says he’s the AG: he hunts bad guys. Tripp thinks this is an attack on him; he says it’s best if Patrick moves out. Patrick says he already did, and then he hangs up on Tripp, right in front of Simon Elder. Elder says Pat’s doing the right thing for himself and the City.

Tripp’s sulking when Nick comes in. He offers Nick a drink—he declines—and takes a shot himself. Nick asks if he’s upset about the press conference. Tripp growls he’s not. This is a ritual he follows for Karen’s weddings, one he learned from her first father-in-law. You open a bottle of tequila first thing in the morning, and by the end of the day, it has to be empty. I LOVE this tradition. I would LIVE this tradition daily if I could. Tequila is the wicked, sinning suitor of my heart. Nick gives in, and they do a shot together. Tripp pours some more, talking about the idiot media. He wants Nick to meet with the press and deal with the sale of the photos, and they can give the proceeds to charity. Tripp smiles the smile of a man drinking tequila before 10 AM. They toast to Karen.

Brian and Junior are at a tailor’s. Brian wants the tailor to hurry up so he can write a sermon for his sister and her “fourth ex husband.” Excuse me, I’m still laughing. He looks up and sees A New Andrea outside. He storms out to ask where the hell she’s been; she dreamily tells him about her life-changing experience in Brazil. Brian gives her not-nearly-enough shit for leaving Junior with him and taking off. Andrea asks to speak to her son, but Brian says no. She insists, so he says to meet him at the rectory in an hour.

At Nick’s offices, Tish has come to kibbitz about Karen’s second thoughts, which she still thinks revolve around Nick and Karen’s fantasy that they might end up together some day. Nick is struck dumb. Tish asks him to speak to Karen and pop that particular bubble. Unless, of course, there’s a chance… Nick cuts her off, saying he’ll talk to Karen. “Good!” Tish says. All Nick has to do is tell Karen he’s “not in love with her and that [he] never, ever will be.” As Willow would say, a vague disclaimer is nobody’s friend.

Juliet is getting another pedicure. I want her life. Sort of. Not really, but the pedicures. She gets a call from Natalie, who’s in a recording studio. She tells Juliet to turn the radio to their station. “Never!” Juliet singsongs, and hangs up. Predictably, she flips on the radio. Natalie’s talking to a DJ about her new single, “Free to Forgive,” which was inspired by the most devastating event of Natalie’s life: her breakup with Juliet Darling. Juliet makes a mooshy face, and just then, Jeremy barges out of the elevator all, “are you hearing this?” Apparently the single was Jeremy’s, which he sent to Natalie to get her to make up with Juliet. Juliet shuts him up to hear the song. Jeremy shouts for her to turn it off because Natalie is a she-devil who pretended to be pregnant to marry Jeremy for his money. Juliet dismisses him to listen to the song, which makes her go “aw.” That is too easy.

Kiki is harassing her dad about when they’re gonna leave. She wants to catch “Miss Karen’s” bouquet, because she’s already told all her friends she would and it’s going to be worth like ten million dollars one day. Kiki’s going with Lisa from an event at her gallery first. Lisa, just home, sees Nick suiting up and tells him he can’t wear that to the opening; it’s too fancy. He says he has to go to the Imperial Darling Manse instead. Lisa whines that he promised to go to the gallery with them, but Nick says he has to deal with the press and make sure Karen actually gets married. Lisa sends Kiki out of the room, asking if that’s a joke. Nick explains about Tish’s request, and Lisa immediately goes to the same Karen-loves-Nick place. Lisa decides not to go to the wedding; it’s not like there won’t be more.

Brian reams out Andrea for abandoning Junior, as well as ruining his marriage. Mei Ling Hwa’s in China with their kids, and he has no idea when she’s coming back. When he calls Andrea selfish, she calls him the pot to her kettle. He asks why she came back, getting all in her face, and it’s clear things are going to get sexy. Which they do.

At Patrick’s new hotel-digs, he tries to hurry Ellen along, since she’s sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in her hand. He notices she’s despondent and asks if she’s okay. She twists the ring on her hand, saying she’s fine. Patrick says he has to step out for a minute. Ellen tells him not to get lipstick on his collar. Patrick: “Excuse me while I change my pants.” No, not really. Ellen turns off the TV and asks if he’s not seeing someone else, “a woman, a man, in between?”

Somewhere at the Imperial Darling Manse, Karen’s lost in thought and drinking when Nick finds her. She says she doesn’t think she wants to “do this.” She asks if he thinks her marrying Freddy is the hugest mistake. Nick takes a moment before telling her that he’s not going to sweep her off her feet. Karen laughs, saying her whole life isn’t about a “stupid crush” she had as a teenager. Today is about whether Freddy is the right person for her. She gets up, pats his leg, and tells him not to sell the wedding photos for less than $2 million.

Fancy wedding fanciness. Tripp is knockered, which is clear when Patrick stalks into the party and demands to know why he told Ellen about Carmelita. Tripp uncorks the tequila and slurs that he would never do such a thing. Tripp says he loves Patrick, no matter what. He offers him a drink, toasting to Karen’s wedding.

Kiki is awed by all the fancy wedding fanciness. Tish and Tripp introduce themselves, and Kiki gushes over the awesomeness of the awesome house. Tripp is a genial drunk, because he offers to let Kiki get married there some day, since she’s family and all. Tish thanks Nick for “taking care of things.” Tripp directs Nick to the photogs upstairs, who are offering a lousy fifty grand. When Nick reminds them that he’s starting bidding at one million, they all laugh at him. It’s a fourth wedding to a crappy golfer, so people care, but they care only a little. Like maybe VH1 reality show levels of care, but definitely not Posh Spice primetime special levels of care. The photogs will bite for $250,000 or $350,000, but only if there’s skin or boobs. Nick will give them access to the honeymoon for three hundred grand.

Karen and Tripp wait to make their walk down the aisle. Tripp drunkenly enunciates that he feels like the Japanese word for “reverence for the transient beauty and mortality of all things. (Shot.)” Karen tells her daddy he’s so wasted. Tripp gives her some advice she’s clearly heard before, since she remembers the “be kind, be fair, be true” better than he. She tells him he doesn’t have to finish; she knows the whole thing. Tripp tells her he believes this one will last for quite some time. “Be patient,” he says. She thanks him, and the bridal march begins on the other side of the doors. He asks for this walk, and she takes his arm. I’m not crazy about the flower in her hair, but maybe at the fourth wedding, anything goes.

The reaction shots of the assembled crowd are sort of brilliant: Juliet and Jeremy giggle and snap photos with a phone, Brian looks bored, and at the end of the aisle, Freddy looks like an excited thirteen-year-old girl when Karen comes into view. She and her dad walk down the aisle, Karen almost melancholy when she meets Nick’s eyes. She does manage a smile for Freddy. As Brian gives his wedding homily, which says that marriage is about confirmation, consolation, and joy, Karen tries not to look at Nick. Everyone claps for the sermon, which is really rather lovely (especially coming from Brian).

Cut to Freddy and Karen in the Imperial Manse Elevator, where Karen complains about being a prisoner in her dress. Wait, did you get that? A prisoner in her wedding dress? Just checking. Freddy confesses that when he proposed to Karen, he didn’t love her. Karen dismissively says that’s okay; Freddy adds that he saw the Darling world and wanted to be part of it. She breezes that she gets it. On his knee, Freddy says that listening to Brian’s sermon made him realize that he’s fallen in love with Karen. Hearing that the money doesn’t matter to him, Karen looks frankly horrified. When Freddy says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, Karen can only laugh nervously and pull him into a hug. She slaps him on the back, which is really the death knell here, and says she does, too. The elevator doors open, and the happy couple steps into the party to applause and air kisses. Karen kisses her dad and leans in as though to kiss Nick on the cheek. She tells him casually, “I want a divorce. NOW.”

Karen’s waiting in Tripp’s study when Tish and Nick arrive, Tish in high dudgeon. Karen reminds them that she told them she was having second thoughts. Tish sternly tells her daughter that she is not going to announce her divorce during her wedding. Karen wails that she would never ruin a party. Nick reminds her she’s been married less than an hour, and Karen says that she knows when “these things” won’t work. Tish calls her an embarrassment, and Karen expresses how very not thrilled she is about this; anyway, she only did it because her mother told her to. Tish tries to stop her, saying that while Freddy isn’t perfect, “he’s as capable and deserving a fourth husband as you’re likely to find.” I don’t know why that makes me sad, but it’s probably why they’re all in there to begin with. Karen ignores her mother, rather fed up, and asks Nick if he’s going to take care of this or what. When he says she will, she leaves for her daddy-daughter dance and a drink. Tish asks her not to tell Tripp, since he’s so happy; Karen says she wishes she had it in her to stay married just for him (which is sort of a weird and creepy Tish-overtone), but she doesn’t. She leaves. Tish sighs and glares at Nick: “Well, I hope you’re happy.” Nick’s face: “I cannot win.”

Brian is counseling someone about the un-amendable nature of the seven deadly sins when Tripp dribbles his way over. He compliments the sermon, telling his son that there’s a kind person buried deep down inside Brian. Deep, deep down. Somewhere. Brian takes this with great aplomb, and I continue to love him.

Kiki and Junior share a dance. Junior thinks being a Darling is pretty cool, especially the food. Kiki looks around her and says, with eerie certainty, that when she grows up, she’s going to live just like the Darlings. “No matter what it takes.”

Ellen and Patrick dance. Ellen can’t keep a lid on the passive-aggression (which, really, can you blame her?) but manages a bright smile for the photographer. And the same person who writes for the Darling Family Publicist must write for Ellen, because she calls it a nice fake picture that she hopes everyone in the fake world likes fake looking at. Patrick can’t do this right now, so he leaves for a drink.

Nick has broken the news to Freddy, and what’s more, he’s got the annulment documents handy. That is preparation. Freddy is pissed. He asks if he’ll still get his money. Karen gently says, “Of course, baby, I made a vow.” Such as it is. Nick says he’ll get the full 3 million the prenup stipulates, just as he would have had they divorced later. Nick writes a check, hands it to Freddy, and asks him to sign the annulment. Freddy snaps that Nick must be ecstatic. Karen is slumped in regret as this happens; she tries to stop Freddy as he leaves to say she never meant to—something—but Freddy cuts her off. He calls her a screwed up little girl with a thing for Nick, and she’s going to die alone and unhappy, just like she deserves. He leaves, and Nick tries to console the crying Karen, who tells him not to start. He tells her he’s sorry, and she leaves.

Pat’s with Elder again, on a mission to confess his sins. When he reveals that his object of affection “used to be a mister,” Elder pauses and says, it doesn’t matter to him how Patrick likes his eggs. I don’t even know what that means. Pat wants to know what to do about his wife, since she knows something and he can’t keep lying. Elder tells him to tell the truth and stop apologizing for being himself. He says people are open-minded and starved for truth. Pat thinks Ellen will leave him and ruin his campaign if he tells her the truth. Elder says she probably won’t—it’s not a confession, it’s a conversation, and what’s more, it’s the right thing to do for his marriage, his country, and his soul. I really didn’t want them to make Blair Underwood a seedy nefarious villain, because he’s so pretty, but even without the Russian revelation this scene reeks of Very Bad Motives. But Patrick is sold, because Elder has told him what he needs and wants to hear. They shake hands, and Pat leaves with an awkward man-hug, thanking Elder for his discretion. Once the door’s closed, Elder passes a hand over his face and, in Russian, asks his lackey (the one from the last episode) if Ellen definitely doesn’t know the information about Pat and Carmelita came from him. Absolutely not is the answer.

Karen and Nick hunker down at an empty table as the staff clears the party debris. Karen’s pleased that her photos sold for “$1.3 million,” sighing that she still matters. I can’t tell if she’s being serious or not, but it’s still sort of sad. No one wants to be irrelevant. Nick asks her what happened, really, and she tells him about the scene in the elevator. She says that when she thought Freddy was in it for the money, it was okay: Freddy would always be there for her because the money would always be there also. “And then it got real,” Nick adds. She says she knows she did the right thing because of the terrible things he said to her “at the divorce.” Nick says he was wrong and hurt, but Karen tells him he wasn’t completely wrong: she is in love with Nick. She steps nearer to kiss him, and for a split second it seems he reciprocates before he breaks away. She says they belong together. “We fit,” she says. Nick’s eyes are dreamy as she leans in again, but he beats a hasty retreat.

Tripp’s found a drinking buddy in Clark the driver, singing a “From Here to Eternity” song and chuckling as he downs the last of the tequila. Tripp sighs happily that Karen finally got it right, and he’ll sleep well knowing that she’s found a man’s heart to make her home. I truly don’t understand what Tish was saying earlier about his romantic fairy tale notions. This is, of course, the moment that Karen arrives to soberly ask to speak to him. He sits up, already knowing.

At the George house, Lisa’s happy and flush with the success of her opening. She asks about the wedding, and Nick reveals that the Darling Foundation had to cover the other million for the cost of the wedding photos to bolster Karen’s ego. He’s sliding back shots of vodka as Lisa says that’s sort of sad, but at least she went through with it. And then, Nick says, got through with it. Lisa looks at him warily as he says that the marriage was annulled. He insists it had nothing to do with him. She takes off in a snit, but he stops her, telling her he loves her and that will never change: he’s hers. I really want to like Lisa, but I find her shrill.

The next morning at Ellen and Patrick’s hotel suite, Pat chokes up the courage to tell his wife the name of his mistress. Ellen takes this in, asking if he loves Carmelita. He says he loves them both, but he can’t give up Carmelita, even though he’s tried. Ellen composes herself, coldly saying that she, Patrick, and Carmelita are going to sit down and establish some ground rules. “She won’t destroy this marriage,” Ellen intones, and she won’t dismantle their political goals either. “I didn’t marry a Darling for nothing,” she says, and takes her leave.

Juliet has made up with Natalie, and it would be nice if it weren’t clear that Natalie is just making up to Juliet to make up to Jeremy.

Andrea drops in at the Imperial Darling Manse to take Junior back to Brazil. Brazil is her home now. Brian tells her she can’t uproot Junior now that he has a life with the Darlings. Andrea says he can continue to support their son in the manner to which he’s so quickly grown accustomed. It’s sort of ballsy of her to ask if Brain really thought she’d let him keep Junior forever, and since that really seemed to be the implication when she left in the pilot, I think: yes. Junior arrives, ecstatic to see his mom, and Brian continues to prove that he’s really not made of stone at all.

At the hotel, Tripp and his hangover arrive to visit Patrick. He says he really didn’t have anything to do with Ellen finding out about Carmelita; he came to tell Pat he loves him and he’s always welcome at home, no matter what’s going on. He tells Pat he’s welcome home whenever he wants, but Pat drops his bomb: he’s moving into the Octavius, which Tripp knows is Simon Elder’s building. Pat’s like, “yep. Your move, old man.”

The Brians say their good byes, since Junior’s going back to Queens with his mom. Junior asks if his mother will really let him visit. Brian says he’ll do everything in his power to make sure she does—which surely means that Nick will do everything in his power to wrest the kid away from Andrea, and I am sick because the prospect of Nick and Brian bonding over a custody suit absolutely delights me. Brian and Junior share a big, sweet hug. Brian tells Andrea not to go anywhere, and he watches his son off with a fearful “bye, little man.” Did I mention I love him? Because I love him.

Karen and Tish are packing Freddy’s things. Karen tells her mom about her confession to Nick the night before. Tish seems sadly mortified for her, but Karen says she couldn’t help it: the wedding made her feel so romantic! Heh. Tish asks why Karen does this to herself. Karen says she wants to marry Nick. “Don’t I have to try?” she asks. She can’t go the rest of her life wondering what if. Tish agrees, and tries to drink a candle in the shape of a scotch glass. They each have a sip of the real scotch, and Tish wants to ask for one thing. “Let me help you,” she says. And then they share a look of evil masterminds. No really, they do.

Tripp’s Office in the Sky. He tells Nick that Elder’s stolen his son. Nick says that Pat’s a person with a will of his own. Awesomely, Tripp’s like, nugatory: “There are so many spurious assumptions behind that statement.” Nick asks if Tripp knows Pat’s working for Elder. Tripp says he knows Pat’s living in Elder’s building, that Elder’s advising him, and he’s behind the indictment of Tripp’s cronies. Tripp says he’s put up with betrayal patiently, but he won’t suffer Simon Elder anymore. Nick asks what he wants to do. “I want to destroy him. I want that son of a bitch completely and utterly destroyed.” These last two scenes are somehow not dissimilar. Make of that what you will.