Numb3rs: Tabu (Episode 408)

We begin at a very posh club where the fictional equivalent of Paris Hilton is out for a night of drinking, dancing and pretending one’s clever by calling friends “a bitch.” There’s music, valets and a creepy guy following Paris, whose real name is Ella Pierce, meaning that all she needs to do is dance on a table with Tinkerbell and she’s got everything covered according to the Paris Hilton handbook How To Get Noticed and Then Complain When No One Leaves Me Alone.

Somehow, I don’t think getting kidnapped at gunpoint was ever in the handbook. Of course, I know it’s fiction for one simple reason – amidst all the shooting, not one person has a camera phone to film the events so that CNN will have footage to air on a loop for the next three months.

By the way, I would like to dedicate this recap to all the Don fangirls whose heads exploded during the montage of angsty shirtless Don.

Why is he angsty? He’s trying not to wake Liz; otherwise he’d have to have that post-break-up sex discussion. He’s so worried about that talk that when his phone vibrates (fill in your own dirty joke here) he answers it in a whisper and doesn’t wake her even though the Fedcakes have a case.

Megan fills Don in on the kidnapping but Don recognizes the victim’s names. “Somebody’s been trolling internet fan sites,” Megan teases. Hey, Megan, don’t know trolling fan sites. As for Ella’s father, Warren Pierce, is a textile maven whose factories are all in places World Vision does ads about. As for the witnesses, they all saw Ella, which translates into: they saw nothing useful. As for myself, I did happen to see something very interesting which proves my theory that knowing David Krumholtz is a sure-fire way to get on this show.

I’m guessing that David is too distraught at the idea of not having his partner there to do his usual exposition. That’s right, this eppesode is sans Colby, and sans Alan too. I’m getting that out of the way now so I don’t have to complain later about how much I miss them.

What we get instead is Jeff Upchurch of Critical Incident Response and before everyone goes “It’s Powder!” or “It’s Young Indy!” let me just say that yes, Sean Patrick Flannery is awesome, but really, his entire character can really be defined as Colby-lite.

Jeff is a kidnapping specialist, who is used to dealing with big money grabs. He’s so familiar with the ins and outs of kidnapping, that he even recognizes Charlie, not as a great mathematician, but for his work on the kidnapping from “One Hour.”

This leads us into our first audience vision, as Charlie references the eppesode’s title and compares them to hikers navigating through the obstacles in a forest.

That’s all fine and good, but since Charlie is predicting the actions of the kidnappers, he’s varying into Megan’s territory. If I have one true pet peeve in this show, it’s when Charlie does Megan’s job. Although, in this eppesode, Megan doesn’t do Megan’s job. Wow, that was really painful for me to dis Megan that openly.

A call comes in and the SUV used to take Ella is found abandoned, along with Ella’s hair extensions and a DVD from the People’s Nationalist Agenda. That’s the most generic name of a domestic terrorist group ever. They want Ella’s father to pay for his exploitation of the world’s proletariat. Seriously, these guys are going about it all wrong. If you want to shine a spotlight on human injustice, you call Bono, not kidnap a club kid because, let’s be honest, would we really care much if we got her back?

Title Flash.

All right, during the commercials, we have an advert for Chain Factor, the real life version of the fiction game invented by Spectre last week. This is cruel. It’s been torturing me all week because all the flipping clues are American and I’m a Canadian. Hey, anyone want to go to the Mall of America and Times Square for me to figure out what I’m supposed to be finding? Google can only do so much for me. Thanks.

IHOF: David’s giving Don the rundown on the PNA and it just sums up to this: they’re anti. They’re anti big business, commercialism, globalization; they’re probably anti fluffy bunnies and recappers too. Previously, they’ve showing their anti-ness by running a website and spray-painting their logo all over. The Feds are having trouble finding the leader, Santi, because they aren’t sure if he’s one guy or just a persona.

The run down on the kidnapping vehicle turned up nothing, so David goes off to check Ella’s e-mail and cell phone, leaving Liz and Don alone. She’s pissed he didn’t wake her for the case and I’m wondering why they both seem to have forgotten the spectacular dumping scene from a couple weeks ago. As for Don, his face clearly says all that needs to be said.

Pierce’s: Warren Pierce isn’t overly surprised, and strangely unfazed by his daughter’s kidnapping. As Jeff tells him how to talk to the kidnappers, I’m wondering if this guy is even going to break a sweat over his kid. I’m having real trouble connecting to either of the victims here because the father promptly bargains with the kidnapper, offering 10 million instead of the 40 (and the third world factories shut down) asked for. As for Ella, well, if you make yourself a joke, then you’re treated like one. Even Jeff is calm about the counter offer. In fact, the only one who seems upset is Megan.

Cal Sci: Larry is building a fountain based on the design of Hero of Alexandria. Since the design is all about balance and pressure, it’s a great symbol for what Larry is looking for. It not only gives Larry peace but it gives Charlie a flash of inspiration.

IHOF: Outside, Charlie is explaining that with the cut off of ransom negotiations, the PNA have to find a new way of accomplishing their goal. He theorizes that a unexpected burst of violence can be expected.

In a great use of dramatic irony, while Charlie adapts his hiker analogy, the PNA commit armed robbery, with the help of Ella Pierce.

Later, as the Fedcakes review the tape, Megan’s confident that the conviction of the PNA has turned Ella into another Patty Hearst and that really she’s a “scared little girl.” Again, I’m delving into painful territory as I have to openly disagree with Megan.

Don picks up that the guy in the shot must be the one in control as Liz takes a call. Warren Pierce e-mailed the PNA, refusing to pay for his daughter.

Pierce’s: He justifies his actions by saying the kidnappers initially broke the rules. Liz and Jeff try to point out that they might kill Ella over this, and Pierce gets annoyed at Jeff’s bedside manner. WTF? What exactly did he say in that e-mail?

IHOF: David hasn’t made any headway with Ella’s e-mail but finally, in four seasons, he has made some headway with Don. His boss confides in him about the unhealthy pattern he’s slipped into with Liz. David theorizes that it’s adrenaline keeping them together rather than a genuine relationship. You see, that’s why I said out of all the Fedcakes, David would be my pal. He’s not wrong in his conclusions but he isn’t harsh about it.

Now I’m well aware there’s been some debate about the authenticity of this scene, since Don almost never confides in anyone who isn’t his father. Well, Alan isn’t in this eppesode and honestly, David is the logical choice. Out of all the Fedcakes he’s been with Don the longest. I’m assuming David and Claudia are still having a very healthy relationship because if they aren’t I would cry. (It’s my recap and I’ll be illogical if I want to.) Plus, David is definitely the calming influence on everyone if we can forgive the “OMG my bestest friend betrayed me” issues (which were all perfectly rational) from the beginning of the season. Plus, David isn’t going to accidentally drop that he had this conversation at an inconvenient moment, like Colby or Charlie might.

Inside, Megan and Larry nearly have a spat over Pierce’s actions. Larry’s saying that it’s so out of character that he must be upset, meanwhile Megan’s focusing on the impersonal way he dealt with his kid when she was growing up. Charlie tries to calm things down with one of his analogies, but it doesn’t work as Megan leaves in anger.

What’s brilliant about this scene is not Megan’s meltdown, but Larry’s acceptance of it. He knows that it has to do with her relationship with her own father and therefore, is worried about her as opposed to upset. Speaking of good character moments, Charlie offhandedly comments that he expects that sort of behaviour from Don.

Liz and Don watch a newly uploaded video of Ella, restating the PNA’s demands and Liz fills him in on the mysterious Santi. She also wants to make sure the two of them make the time to talk and yet again, Don’s face says it all.

Amita’s, capitalizing on her geeky awesomeness of last week, offers to build a unit to hack the satellite phone used by the PNA. She totally confuses David with her technical language and turns Charlie on by talking about her computer construction abilities.

Charlie also has an idea where the PNA will show up next.

Stakeout: Later, David’s out with Colby-lite watching Pierce’s neighbourhood. While they’re waiting for something to happen, Jeff talks about how David’s reputation as a “cowboy” has made the rounds and that he appreciates it. Jeff may call it “cowboy” but I call it “OMG my bestest friend betrayed me” issues.

A call comes in that David Krumholtz’s girlfriend Harper Simms address is being robbed. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern-lite try to take the PNA into custody but are stopped when they see both Ella and Harper being held at gunpoint. Suddenly, Ella pulls out a gun and starts firing at the pair and the PNA escape in a hail of bullets, but not before Jeff shoots one of them in the forehead.

IHOF: Harper’s far more useful now than at the time of the kidnapping, by confirming that Ella is in on it with the PNA. She even recognized Santi as Stefan Cavani, a “stoner” she used to go to high school with.

Megan’s still too blinded by her own daddy-issues that she can’t see what’s clear to Don – that Ella is totally with the PNA. It isn’t Stockholm Syndrome.

Pierce walks in at the wrong time, comparing the lap of luxury Ella’s lived in with her identifying with her kidnappers, Megan steps way over the line. The only new pieces of information we get is that the father is willing to defend his daughter with the best legal team possible and that Ella sued for emancipation after her mother died. You know, I can’t object with Pierce’s reasoning for fighting the emancipation since most 16 year-olds I know wouldn’t be able to handle living on their own, never mind one that’s probably never heard of Walmart.

Megan goes so far as to say the kidnappers are probably “the only love she’s ever known.” Hello, Megan, the girl had two parents.

Cal Sci: Amita’s building the device to trace the Sat phone and Charlie’s turned on by seeing her build it. Suddenly, the device sparks symbolically and Amita’s off to get another circuit.

Jeff arrives as Amita leaves and he’s less than impressed at the sight of her decoder. “Not exactly what I imagined after reading some of your more ethereal musings on cake cut theory.” WTF? I can see the man reading about the kidnapping last season but random papers written by Charlie? Come on! For that not so subtle reminder that Charlie is brilliant because clearly we all forgot between last week and this week, that line wins this week’s NPAL™. The only good thing about it is that it isn’t another reference to the bloody book.

As for the hiking analogy, it’s extended further in this scene as now Charlie’s got to figure out which butterfly the hikers veered off course to chase.

IHOF: Ella’s e-mail file reveals that she and Santi have been e-mailing sexual messages back and forth for the better part of the year. As for the dead shooter, his partner in crime was Santi’s cousin. Now Don, Liz and David have to figure out what’s going on inside Santi and Ella’s head without the help of Megan, as she’s on a “Time Out.”

Out in the bullpen, Larry’s come along with a CD Megan liked to try and calm her mood. It works as she realizes that she’s seeing too much of her own daddy issues in the case and she apologizes for snapping at him earlier. He then goes on to muse about how humanity figured out the correct model of the universe in order to orient their place within it. You know, Larry’s little witticisms usually make sense to me, but I’m totally lost on this one.

Lucas Cavani’s: David and Colby-lite arrest Santi’s cousin and explain that his partner in crime is dead because “he made the mistake of pointing a gun in my general direction.” Hee! The cousin turns things around and blames Ella’s influence on Stefan as the real problem and points them to a squat where the PNA hang out.

IHOF: Female Fedcake bonding occurs when Megan reassures me Liz that her relationship with Larry is getting back on track. As for Liz, she’s trying not to get burned and I’m still wondering about why no one is remembering they’ve broken up. That was a break up scene in “In Security” so I’m wondering why we’re rehashing it.

As for Ella, what Megan’s learned is that it was the socialite who was the aggressor in the relationship. She totally reeling Stefan in with promises of great sex, and probably her own homemade porn one day.

With that, Megan realizes that Ella was the brains behind her own kidnapping, all to get her father’s attention. Just as she’s figured that out, so has Charlie, but not before the PNA manage to kidnap Warren Pierce and demand all his assets be dismantled. It’s Ella’s only way to get Daddy to play with her. Is it bad that from this point on, I kept hoping the Fedcakes would just shoot her in the head? She’s whining about not getting attention from her father when no one’s suggested for a moment that her mother didn’t love her. Essentially, it’s a toddler’s temper tantrum for attention, just with guns.

As for Amita, her decoder tracks down a house near the freeway, just as Santi’s cousin said.

It’s not like we ever doubted it would work, I’m just wondering if the coordinates aren’t a Chain Factor clue. Do you see what this game has done to me?

Squat: All dressed in their finest riot gear, the Fedcakes get ready to storm the PNA compound. Both David and Jeff are ready with sniper rifles, making me wonder if Lou Diamond Phillips just wasn’t available for this eppesode. As soon as they confirm there are five bad guys and everyone’s in position, Megan gets ready to make contact.

Inside, Ella’s justifying her behaviour by saying “it’s what Pierce’s do.” Really? Pierces are little whiny shits that just want attention while they’re being given preferential treatment? Please David or Jeff, just shoot the whiny bitch in the head and save the world the effort of her crying while incarcerated to the point she’s released on medical leave.

Hacking into the PNA website, Megan tells them what’s important.

Megan tries to make Stefan see that Ella’s been playing him all along. Ella could’ve donated 40 million dollars to the sweatshop workers or she could’ve called Bono. I’m sure his number is in her Blackberry. What upsets Ella is that Stefan is listening to what Megan has to say so Ella starts shooting at the Fedcakes.

What bothers me is that Don gives the order to shoot back, just over the PNA’s heads. This is a kidnapping and domestic terrorism situation and don’t tell me for a minute Ella isn’t getting preferential treatment because of who she is. Since when is Don afraid of the bad press if Ella gets killed? So what if it runs as the lead story on CNN for a month? She’s putting the lives of everyone, both PNA and Fedcake in danger because she’s having a snit fit. If Agent Edgerton were there he so would’ve just taken her out.

The shootout commences and after a couple of minutes, Jeff nails on in the shoulder. Inside, Warren pleads with Ella to give up so that they all don’t get killed. Thus in the strangest piece of logic ever, Ella blames her father for her mother’s death from cancer because “she didn’t want to live in that house anymore.” Okay, so now we can add delusional onto the list of this girl’s numerous faults. A personal irritant of mine is when people imply cancer victims “give up” which is just what she’s doing. Seriously, unless you’ve been through it, don’t talk about it like an escape or a failure, bitch.

She’s also angry that her father turned her into a “punch line on David Letterman.” Um, sweetie, I think you did that to yourself. In truth, the actress playing the part is fantastic. I don’t want to take away from her performance but I would consider it a personal shout out to me if someone shot her in the head, ending the ranting.

Stefan’s coming to his senses as the house fills with tear gas. One by one, the members of the PNA spill out to escape the fumes, including Stefan, who brings Pierce with him.

In the only moment when I felt even a modicum of sympathy for Ella, she cries, “You’re not leaving me!” as Stefan exits. Again, this is totally due to the actress; it’s so pitiful that I might be able to feel sorry for Ella’s inability to grow up and deal with issues rationally, eventually, in about 1000 years or so.

Of course, all that sympathy is gone as soon as she shoots Stefan in the back. All my sympathy now goes out to anyone who had to serve this girl. Can you imagine how she’d react if you brought her a steak medium-well when she asked for rare?

It’s not in the head, so I still can’t consider it my shout out, but David does nail Ella in the shoulder before she has the opportunity to kill her father.

Jeff snarks that a cowboy would never have gone for the arm and David slaps down this whole cowboy notion. I’m choosing to believe it’s because Jeff is Colby-lite instead of the genuine article.

As Ella’s taken away, her father begs her not to say anything as he has “the best lawyers.” I guess now he’s going to play with her.

Don’s Apartment: Liz and Don finally have that talk don’s been trying to avoid throughout this eppesode. Liz is tired of everything and Don thinks they’re together out of habit and says she deserves more. Ouch on both parts.

With that, Liz leaves her key to his place and exits with the comment “see you tomorrow, boss.” Thus Diz breaks up again. It’s getting a little redundant, don’t you think?  Unless they're making way for Robin's return.

Cal Sci: Megan admires Larry’s fountain and announces that she wants to go work things out with her father. It’s very mature of Megan but this piece of character development is overshadowed by Larry’s when he doesn’t freak out when she invites him along. The only thing holding him back is that Larry’s been looking after Brother Theo’s rabbit and he has to make arrangements.

“Lucky rabbit,” Megan sighs as the good ship Megan/Larry sets off once again as the eppesode ends with a kiss, and the fountain spurting.