Two and a Half Men: Shoes, Hats, Pickle, Jar Lids. (Episode 509)

Alan and Charlie's mom, Evelyn, is marrying Mr. Hart Teddy. At their engagement party, Alan and Charlie are brainstorming excuses to leave early. Jake volunteers to gorge on shrimp until he pukes. Alan rejects the idea, claiming he's better at faking things since his ex-wife did it so many times. Migraines, orgasms. While the guys are trying to decide how to ditch, Teddy's hot daughter, Courtney (Jenny McCarthy) arrives at the party. Suddenly, leaving early isn't such a good idea. She and Evelyn enjoy a lively exchange in which Courtney tells Evelyn she shouldn't have assumed she wasn't coming, because you know what they say..."When you assume, you're just a bitch." Well, that settles it. The guys hafta stay!

Teddy takes Charlie aside - you knew this was coming - and warns him to stay away from Courtney. Charlie, who likes Teddy, reluctantly agrees despite his objecting libido. At this point, I really don't know who he wouldn't object to not getting to boff. Although Jenny McCarthy's a hot ticket, I could see Charlie getting it up for a fairly attractive orangutan. You know, one with very shiny fur and a huge grin.

Anyway, Courtney doesn't have any problem with hitting on Charlie. She tells him he should come by the car dealership where she works. She's a luxury car salesperson. Ferraris, Porsches, Bentleys... A mid-life crisis victim's dream! Charlie holds her at bay, because he doesn't want to violate his agreement with Teddy. Nevertheless, the next day Courtney calls Charlie to come over to the dealership to check out...the Bentley. Of course, Charlie being Charlie, he goes. As he sits in a red Ferrari, Courtney purrs words beside him such as "stick," "shift," "wet," "soapy," and "waiting for you." Charlie gets out of the car before he "sets off the airbag."

He gets home and tells Alan he was able to fight Courtney off. Ah, not quite yet, my friend. Courtney, being a relentless little minx, shows up to let Charlie test drive her body a Bentley. They wind up in bed, and eighteen hours later - Viagra is AWESOME! - Evelyn and Teddy show up to talk to Charlie and Alan about their wedding plans. Charlie's wigging, because he's got Courtney upstairs in a sheet. She gets dressed, but refuses to leave. As Charlie and Alan talk to Evelyn and Teddy, loud music begins blaring from Charlie's bedroom. Charlie runs upstairs to turn off his "alarm" only to find Courtney waiting with a proposition: Buy a Ferrari or she walks downstairs to greet her dad. Charlie freaks out, but agrees to the purchase. He runs back to Teddy and Evelyn. Before he can get a word in edgewise, his "alarm" goes off again. Back upstairs he scurries, only to find Courtney ready with a contract for him to sign, and, oh yeah, she also needs a check. Charlie quips that this is the most he's ever paid for sex, though not by much.

As Evelyn and Teddy leave, Teddy hangs back to tell Charlie not to worry, he won't tell Evelyn that Courtney's upstairs. Charlie is shocked! Teddy tells him he saw Courtney's car in the driveway. Doh! Teddy chuckles and says that's why he warned Charlie. He loves his daughter, but he knows she's a sociopath. And another one bites the dust.