Dirty Sexy Money: The Country House (Episode 108)

Four men enter...

Nick wakes up with the sleepy face bedhead of a well-rested man, only to find Lisa going over paint colors for the living room. She wants to do it before Thanskgiving with her parents, which is in two days. Nick says he has to meet with Tripp and help with Brian's custody hearing, but after that he's a free man for the whole holiday. Lisa wonders if the Darling Dynasty won't crumble to dust by spending five whole days without their trusted family lawyer, and Nick very seriously says it will; it will just be very expensive dust.

Tripp is morose and anxious about Simon Elder, specifically in regards to his plans for Darling Plaza and Patrick. The deed for the first was transferred two weeks ago, and Nick has no idea what Elder plans to do with it. Tripp thinks he just wants to steal his soul by going after his first home and his firstborn. Nick asks if he's heard from Patrick, but he's not returning Tripp's calls. Tripp laments losing his son to a capricious man like Simon Elder, and Nic gently reminds him that no matter who he's in bed with politically (or otherwise), Pat's still Tripp's son. Tripp asks Nick to schedule a "sit down" with Patrick and Elder the next night at Valhalla. Nick's a ltitle incredulous that Tripp wants to meet with them sixty miles upstate the day before Thanksgiving; Tripp tells him to use his influence with Elder and get it done. He also requests that Nick be there with him, despite his plans with Kiki and Lisa. Tripp promises that he'll have Nick back with the fam on Thursday morning. Nick asks how to get Pat to come; telling him Elder will be there will make him feel safe, Tripp says, and his vanity will guarantee his presence.

Meanwhile, Pat and Ellen are still squatting at the hotel, though it's getting old for Ellen. She casually asks if Patrick has set up the meeting with Carmelita yet. Pat evades that it's not the best time for her, since she's got finals for her cosmetology course. Ellen tells him that if he wants to stay married, he'll quit stalling and set up the meeting. Today.

Karen rides the family elevator with "Giorgio," who she thanks for some nice post-divorce nookie. He tells her he's always available to help ring out her marriages, but they don't have to do it only when she's getting divorced. She pats his cheek fondly and tells him that, yeah, they do. She waves goodbye and joins her brothers for breakfast. Jeremy, in his valet outfit, thinks it's nice that Giorgio is always there for her in her hour of freedom. Karen muses that it wasn't quite the same: usually when she and Giorgio have "meaningless post-divorce sex," it feels more meaningless than it did the night before. Jeremy asks if it's like planets with intersecting orbits, but Karen says no, just hornier. She asks for Brian's pancakes, which he hands to her with a forlorn, "Replenish." She asks what's up with him, and he says he misses his son. Oh, Brian. Karen's aghast that Junior left, and Brian informs her that Andrea took him a week ago and he's fighting for custody. By way of comforting him, Karen says that the justice system defers to whoever has the most money, so he has nothing to worry about. He leaves, unimpressed, and Karen makes a face as though he's left a stink in his wake. She asks if he was wearing cologne, but it's actually Jeremy who's doused himself up to impress his hot lady client at the garage. He says that after the thing with Natalie, he wants this woman to like him for him, not because of his name. Karen says it doesn't work like that: once she finds out who he is, it'll never be the same. He says she can never find out, then.

Nick tries to talk Pat into the sit down; it seems like he's going to decline, muttering some more about finally breaking free and such, but he agrees. And asks Nick to do him a favor. Cut to the same conversation happening with Carmelita, re: the meeting with Ellen. She says she can't face Ellen. He smooth-talks, prompting Carmelita to say that Pat's lucky to have Nick, and she says she'll do it. And yet another version of the conversation happening at Elder's place, where Nick is as straightforward as he can be about what Elder's walking into, not really knowing what Tripp has in store anyway. Elder thinks it'll be interesting.

Andrea and her lawyer have come to meet with Nick and Brian. Andrea wants full, sole custody. Brian, because he is Brian, shouts, "Are you out of your freaking mind?" When Andrea says she knows what's best for her son, Brian reminds her that she slept with him last week to get Junior back. Nick tells Brian to back off and let him handle it; he tells Andrea and her lawyer that, since Andrea dumped Junior and took off for Brazil, Junior and Brian have had time to bond and taking the kid off to Brazil is no longer the best thing for him. When the other lawyer reminds Nick that Brian left Junior with him at first, Brian tells him to "Beat it, you prissy little creep." I so want a well-placed "I hate you" hissed over the desk like in the pilot. Nick tells Brian again to chill, saying he's worked out a good joint custody arrangement that will compensate Andrea for staying in the city and puts Junior's interests first. Brian then butts in and says he'll give Andrea a million dollars to leave. When she says nothing, he ups it to two million; she asks if he's trying to buy her son. He says he's trying to buy THEIR son. The lawyer shuts it down and Andrea rises to go, so Brian puts out three million. He says it was always about the money for her, anyway. She says he isn't a human being. Nick gives Brian a look that says, "unbelievable." Brian sits in his chair, pissed. "Don't look at me like that," he says. "Three million was more than fair."

Nick comes home with flowers for Lisa, who assumes he has to get out of Thanksgiving. He says he's in for Thanksgiving, but he has to put off painting the apartment until after the holiday, and also meet her and Kiki at her parents' on Thursday because of the sit down with Elder. She goes the passive-aggressive route of saying she'll paint herself, since she actually cares about it. He asks her to come to Valhalla with him, but she refuses to spend the night with the Darlings given how Italy went. She says he can go spend the weekend with Karen at the country house and she'll stay home and paint. He tells her he doesn't want to go at all, but since he has to, he'd like her to come with him.

Jeremy's at work, and the girl he has a crush on is too blizted to drive. He offers to drive her car back to her apartment for her, which she boozily accepts after very little pressing on Jeremy's part. He's very smitten. It's boring. I think Juliet has fallen down a manhole. One in the street, not a dirty one.

Karen asks Tish why she has to go to Valhalla for Thanksgiving if Brian's not going; Tish mentions the custody hearing as well as two funerals (kicking off the holiday season die-off). It's part of Tish's plan to help Karen with Nick, anyway. Karen proposes that Tripp send her and Nick to India, or, better yet, Bali, where they would work to establish an orphanage for the "really starving children" and would live in a grass hut on the beach. Tish is like, "yeah, but no." Karen thinks Lisa will be there, because it's "so her" to come along. Tish tells her to relax: everything will work out.

Jeremy takes Sofia to Brooklyn where she lives, which is like an entirely foreign country to him. She offers to go out with him, but asks his last name. "Babeson," he lies. And then he calls Clark to rescue him from the scary, confusing streets of Brooklyn.

Wife/Mistress Summit at Hotel de Patrick. Carmelita and Ellen face off, and Ellen is a cool bitch in houndstooth to Carmelita's red and black wrap dress. It's a nice contrast, but Pat looks as turned on as he is about to vomit. After the break, Ellen breaks down the custody arrangement for Carmelita, which cuts down her time with Patrick by quite a bit and works it around family time. When Patrick tries to mediate, she tells him to stay out of it. And then Carmelita tells him to take a walk. Pat really does need someone running his life. When he leaves, Ellen lays out more rules, so Carmelita tells her flatly that she needs two nights a week with him or he'll start sneaking out, which is something neither of them want for him.

Brian, Andrea, and the lawyers meet with an arbitrator. Brian's pleading his case, playing the minister card for all it's worth, saying how much he values family above all else. She thanks him for his "forthrightness." That's one way to put it. Andrea's lawyer asks about Gustav; Brian explains it's a pet name. The lawyer asks about the Swedish-orphan-car-accident lie; Brian flatly says it was a bullet train accident, "get your facts straight." He says he didn't lie, and he explains this to the arbitrator so excellently I have to quote it: "I offered him an opportunity to work with me to smooth the way towards building a new family structure by soft pedalling, as it were, the nature of his involvement with me by making it a fun game." I love this so much, I want it as a screensaver complete with audio. Andrea eyes him as the lawyer asks if he made Junior eat Swedish food like reindeer and fermented milk; Brian claims he did that once, one day. And then the lawyer brings out the ministerial big guns, which are Brian's best defense turned against him. He asks if Junior didn't end up confessing the secret because he was afraid he was going to hell. Brian looks too surprised and unsure how to get out of this, it doesn't occur to him to say that that was Ming Lei Hwa's idea totally!

Jeremy asks Clark for advice on what regular people do on dates. Clark talks about going out for pizza with his wife and having marital relations on the roof. Clark puts up with this admirably well. Jeremy thinks he's like the fount of middle class romance information. It's the mustache.

Nick tells Brian he's going to lose. "You think?" Brian spits. "You're the worst. Did you even go to lawschool?" No lie, I wish Nick were married to Brian instead of Lisa. It'd be so much more interesting to watch. Nick reminds him that he lied about Junior from the start, and Nick can't change reality. "Well, then you suck!" Brian tells him. Nick says that Brian sabotaged him, so Brian asks him to get him a retrial of some kind. Nick says it doesn't work like that: the arbitrator takes her decision to the judge, and that's it. He tells Brian to talk to Andrea and make her understand how he feels about Junior.

Lisa has decided to go to Valhalla.

Which is, predictably, rather gorgeous in an old-English-manorish way. Tish and Karen greet them, Karen hissing to her mom, "Told you she'd come." Lisa says the same to Nick, and the grown ups reply that it'll be fine. Hugs, kisses, Karen being an immature baby. Elder pulls in, and Tish greets him warmly. Because of how he's hot. Patrick and Ellen have come with, also. Nick introduces Simon to Lisa and Karen; Karen is taken. Though Tish thinks everyone could use a drink, Tripp's standing on the doorstep with a gun in hand and proposing some manly hunting. And ahunting the men go, with Simon Elder in a jaunty hat and Nick hoping no one gets dead.

And the assembled company are at dinner after the hunt. Elder admits he doesn't eat meat. Karen: "Oh, but that's all the yummy stuff? Do you eat anything yummy?" Patrick, on the side, "Down girl." She tells him to shut up. Chatter, and Tish invites Lisa to another part of the house to look at some art.

Jeremy and Sofia are waiting for a table; Jeremy uses cash and the Darling name to get them in. Sofia is impressed, right up to the moment when the waitstaff sings her "Happy Birthday" and free cake. Jeremy says it was the only way to get them a table, which is a cute lie. He says it's nice to go on a normal date. Sofia proposes that they go back to Jeremy's, and he fakes having a buddy crashing with him. But, he says, there's another option.

Brian's taking Nick's advice in talking to Andrea. She tells him that it's out of their hands, and she's going to abide by whatever the judge decides. She reminds him of the day they met in church, how he counselled her about faith and solace. She says he was the one who taught her to bring her problems in life to God and asks if he's thought about doing the same. Junior watches from the apartment above, sad. Sad face, sad little boy.

Sit Down! Tripp explains that he wanted to cut through the bullshit and know what's going on. He gets right to it and asks what Elder's business is with Pat. Patrick's offended, but Elder explains that he offered himself as an advisor during Patrick's transition out of the Imperial Darling Manse. Tripp asks if Elder isn't using Pat as a pawn in a revenge plot against him. Elder sidesteps by saying that Pat will be a great senator and he wants to be on Patrick's team. Nick asks what it's all about. "It's about the chilling heartlessness of a man determined to tear asunder the long standing family ties in the course of his vendetta," Tripp pronounces artfully.

Tish and Lisa look at pictures. Tish says she's been wanting to apologize to Lisa for a while, though Lisa doesn't know what about. Their conversation is intercut with the men's throughout, edited for question and answers to dovetail for each reveal. After some careful bumbling and hedging, Tish tells Lisa that Karen kissed Nick and confessed her love because she's so darn impulsive.

Tripp proclaims that Simon Elder is not, as he is popularly seen, a saint, nor someone driven by benevolence, but malevolence against Tripp and his family. Patrick wants to leave, but Tripp asks him to stay. Elder says it's all business, not personal. Tripp says that Elder has a family history with the Darlings. He didn't know Simon Elder's real name before, but when he found out, everything fell into place. Pat and Nick are befuddled, and Elder for the first time loses his veneer of charming affability. Tripp says that Simon's parents worked for the Darlings for a long time. Not only that, but Simon's father was Tripp's mother's lover. (Darling Mothers had a hard time staying faithful, it seems.) Darling Senior fired the Elders, so they fled to the Soviet Union, thinking Communism would work for them. But it didn't, and they died in a Siberian prison, orphaning Simon. Patrick asks if this is true; Simon says it "touches on the truth."

Tripp says he's telling the truth, and Simon holds him responsible for the death of his family. Simon says that his parents didn't go to Russia of their own will: the Darlings forced them there. Tripp denies it. Simon says that they weren't deported, but their names were given to the State Department and they were "hounded" out of the US, so their deaths are on the Darlings' regardless. Nick watches this like a tennis match, but with far more wariness. Patrick explodes that this is more of Tripp's manipulative interference and arrogance, and he's leaving. Simon leaves as well. Tripp's like, "hey, man, it's all true." Nick follows Simon out, and Simon is angry enough to show emotion and not just smooveness. He's mad at Nick for playing him, declaring that if Tripp wants war, war he'll get. Nick insists he didn't know, and in response, Simon asks if he's really with him or with Tripp. Nick doesn't want to be part of a simple revenge plot, though. Simon says it's more than that: Tripp owns half of New York, which is bad for the city. He's a dangerous man, Simon says. Nick's like, dangerous? Simon asks if Nick knows what happend to Tripp's brother Kenneth. Nick says that the only people who believe Tripp had a hand in Kenneth's assassination are conspiracy theorists and two suspects in the murder who have been discredited anyway. Simon's not so sure about that.

Karen has crawled into a bottle of Scotch clear to the bottom. Lisa finds her and asks if she was just as drunk when she kissed Nick at her wedding. Karen easily says she was sober, and so was Nick. Nick arrives, and Karen slurs that Lisa found out about "their kiss." Lisa leaves, telling Nick he's unbelievable. She stalks out, and Nick turns on Karen, asking why she does things like this. She says she didn't tell; she thought it was their secret. Disgusted yet again, Nick leaves.

Jeremy has brought Sofia to his little roof garden. She's never heard of the Darlings. He says he likes being with her because it's not about money. But it is boring.

Brian says a prayer to God to help arbitrator understand how much he loves his son, despite how undeserving he may be. Out on the street, said arbitrator bumps into someone, who hands her a newspaper containing an envelope fat with hundred dollar bills. He prays that she has the good sense to accept his "generous donation."

Lisa leaves for her parents' house. Nick says he didn't tell her because he didn't want them wasting time on nothing. Lisa asks how many times Karen will kiss him before he stops her. Nick says Karen is delusional; she lives in a world where she thinks she can have whatever she wants, including Nick. Lisa says there's a pattern, and now she thinks he's a part of it. She's never doubted him before now.

Patrick crawls into bed with Ellen. She asks if he was with Carmelita, who he admits is in a motel nearby. She asks, choking on the words, if he took a shower at least. Patrick says he only talked to Carmelita. He says, hesitantly, that he can tell her things. Ellen nearly jumps out of bed to get away from him.

Tish and Tripp sit in a corner, sharing a drink. She asks about his meeting, which he describes as wearying. He says sometimes he thinks he's ready to leave this life. She strokes his arm and tells him she's glad she married him. He reciprocates. And then, the gun from the first act goes off in the third. But it's in Ellen's hands, and she's just shot Pat in the thigh. I think she's a little off the mark there.

Nick tells the assembled press that this was a hunting accident. He spins fine right up until he's asked why Patrick was hunting at night, when he shuts the whole thing down. Smooth.

Clark has come to gather Jeremy for Thanskgiving. Sofia arrives, sees the limo, and figures Clark for Jeremy's dad. Jeremy hugs Clark, and Clark plays along to the point of giving Sofia a rather inappropriate hug.

Tripp and Nick pay off Charlie, who's taking the fall for Ellen. Not really taking the fall so much as taking a lot of cash. Nick laments that he's lying to the press for the family. Which is the whole reason Tripp didn't tell him about Simon's family working for the Darlings--he didn't want Nick to have to lie or to lose Simon's trust in him. Nick asks if it was all true; Tripp says it is, except for the part where his parents turned the Elders into the State Department. Nick deduces it was Dutch, which Tripp confirms. He says that if Nick's still looking for a motive for his dad's murder, Simon Elder's got one. Dutch put his parents on the boat that brought them to their death. They watch the demolition of Darling Plaza on TV. Tripp intones that there is nothing Simon Elder wouldn't do.

Lisa calls Nick at home; she's at her parents'. He offers to quit, which she says she doesn't want. She says she feels like it's all slipping out of control, though. He offers to drive to them right then, and she says to wait until the next day. She says she's trying; he says he is too, and that they'll get through this. This is sort of a nonsense conversation, but maybe it's because Nick is high from paint fumes while he paints the living room.

And next week, the shit hitteth the fan. Ith.