Two and a Half Men: Kinda Like Necrophilia (Episode 510)

So it's true that cycling can be bad for your balls

You'd think by now Alan would have grown a pair and become a man. But no. He lives with Charlie, a brother who not only makes fun of him, but also flaunts his knack for getting women in bed on the first date. Meanwhile, Alan continues to get castrated by his ex-wife, Judith, every time he picks up/drops off Jake. Alan is a crisis begging for a Dr. Phil-sized intervention.

This time Alan, dressed in freakishly bright cycling gear, meets a beautiful French woman, Gabrielle, who has just hooked up with Charlie. He's impressed with his brother's way with women and engages in the obligatory "you're the man, and I suck" kind of banter. When Jake comes to stay over for the week, Alan discovers his son has been dumped by his girlfriend. Um, nothing against Jake and puberty's progress, but DAMN. How'd the kid get a girlfriend in the first place? He still has that overgrown grade schooler look. Oh yeah, and then there's his voice. It's still pretty high... I dunno. He's more of a friendish boy, not a first boyfriend. Sigh. Anyway.

So Jake's been dumped and Alan tries to comfort him with a "we've all been there" talk. Charlie advises the kid to pick the hottest girl in class and ask her to the dance. Jake wisely takes his uncle's advice and hooks the best catch in his middle school. Alas, Jake is but a blip in this episode, which really revolves around Alan's pathetic game. Turns out Alan's old girlfriend from high school dumped him for Charlie - he finds this out after drunk-dialing the woman in the middle of night. Alan decides to get Charlie back by stealing Gabrielle. He uses a few Charlie original lines on Frenchie and they end up enjoying one another's company. Charlie walks in and feigns distress. Yeah, you can tell he's faking it because women are like Kleenex to this guy. He blows his wad and then he's through. Still, he puts up enough of an effort to trick Alan into believing he's succeeded in stealing Charlie's chick. Charlie "graciously" allows Alan to date the woman, who winds up being as stiff as a board in the sack. Literally. She lies there with her eyes squeezed shut, telling Alan to just get it over with. Charlie jokes that it's kinda like necrophilia.

Alan realizes too late Charlie planned it all along. Charlie needed to get rid of the woman and conveniently let Alan believe it was mostly to do with him. Alan tells Charlie that they're even now, but Charlie shakes his head. No, they're not even quite yet. Right then, Charity, that same old high school girlfriend of Alan's, walks out in a towel to come get Charlie. Yup, now that's even, says Charlie. While he walks back inside with Charity - what an ironic name - you can practically see Alan fervently trying to grow some 'nads. Instead, he settles for a yelled "I HATE YOOOOOUUUUU!" Ha ha! This show is so much like "The Honeymooners." You know, except that Ralph is a skinny passive-aggressive single dad and Alice is his skanky brother. "To the moon, Charlie! To the moon!"