Tim Gunn's Guide to Style: Gina (Episode 6)

This week's victim is Gina, a 46-year-old woman who's retired from the police department. She went from Catholic school to the police academy, so she's never had to learn how to dress herself. Her husband (Why do these women always have husbands? Is it uncool to help out a single woman with her fashion sense?) says she's done every type of police work imaginable, including being a prostitute decoy. They have a 17-year-old daughter. Gina's also going back to school now that she's retired.

Tim and Veronica arrive at Gina's house, and Gina and her daughter are wearing matching shirts -- black with a plunging neckline. It's appropriate on one of them. Guess which. Gina says she's afraid of looking old. That much is obvious.

Last week's outfits: basically, Gina's big on really, really low necklines and message tees. Seriously, she needs to give her entire wardrobe to her teenage daughter and start over again.

Gina's Big Event is her cousin's wedding in Arizona. We're pretending this wedding is happening today, and Gina has to get dressed for it. I wonder if there will be a plunging neckline. Oh, yup, there is. Gina descends the stairway dressed like a hooker going to her senior prom.

We're cleaning the closet now. Gina has capris. T & V scream. Because capris are that damn scary. Oh my God. I hate this show so much. Soooo much. Can I just write that for the next five pages and have that be the recap? Please? Don't make me do this anymore. This show is so formulaic it makes Harlequin novels look like Pulitzer material. Honestly, if you want to know what happens in this episode, read one of my other recaps and change the woman's name to Gina. It is always the same.

Gina has a poncho. Tim almost pees on himself. Tim doesn't like ponchos. Gina has this gaudy, Victorian gold number and Tim is like, "Looks like Renaissance Fair to me. You're just missing a unicorn." I'd write more but my head exploded a little after he said this. How many unicorns existed during the Renaissance? How many, Tim? How many goddamn unicorns?

Oh my God.

My cat is going to recap for awhile now.

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Okay, my cat is like, "I can't watch this crap anymore."

We buy bras for Gina. I cannot believe we are only 15 minutes in. I'm going to die soon. I'm going to die of watching Tim Gunn's Guide to Style. There will be fascinating articles in the medical journals about it. I hope they will name the condition after me. After the dead, dead me. There are rhinestones in the bras. Claaaaaassy. But finally her tits don't sag down to her waist. That's nice.

Back in Tim's office with Tim's Super Computer O' Fashion. We tell Gina she can stay with the low V-neck cut (really?) but that longer sleeves will improve her shape. She should go with knee-length skirts and large belts (Gina wants to know if she can get rhinestones on the belt, because she's from Brooklyn).

Cameo number one comes from Junes Zahdi (Tim pronounces it "Za-ha-di," which simply cannot be right), an "international salsa master." He teaches Gina to salsa dance, to help bring her back to her younger, disco-dancing days. Gina does seem pretty excited about this, although I'm not sure if it's the salsa or the guy.

We send Gina shopping, but, before that, she gets her special gift -- a Cole Haan bag, one that's actually pretty gorgeous. I want it. They send her shopping with her sister Christine, who's adorable. This portion of the show is always intolerable, and a huge failure. The blind leading the blind. My cat is trying to throw herself out the window. I want to go with her.

Gina tries on her picks for Tim and Veronica, and, per usual, they hate them all. Why do they even bother taping different episodes of this show? They are all exactly the same. Oooh! We've found a black dress they actually like. But we still have to go get a bunch more clothes for her. So we do that. I hate this show so much. But Gina looks pretty hot in some of their picks, so that's nice.

Another cameo. We go to see Isaac Mizrahi at his NYC studio. Jesus, I want to wear an Isaac Mizrahi dress to my cousin's wedding in Phoenix. Tim has a little crush on Isaac. I wonder if they've ever boned. Gina tries on some of his dresses. She looks a lot like Kim Cattrall on Sex & the City. I mean, she really looks fantastic in his dresses. I love Isaac Mizrahi. I wish this whole show was about his dresses. Then I wouldn't hate it so much. Isaac seems to think Phoenix is full of cowboys and Indians, and Gina shouldn't wear anything too sophisticated, lest they stone her and be all like, "This stuff's made in New York City. New York City?" (Get it? Those old salsa commercials? Am I dating myself?)

Hair and make-up! This is my favorite part of this show. Gina doesn't want her hair cut, so they don't make it too short, but they take a little bit off. She's really nervous about this. They put like 100 pounds of concealer on her eyes, and she looks 100 times better. She is very Samantha Jones. Like, almost the spitting image. She looks great, and she finally looks her age.

Another gift! Gina gets a gold necklace.

Fashion show time. Her whole family is there, of course. Everyone's very happy. Daughter cries. Gina cries. Husband gets horny. Calls her a ghost. Kind of weird. I don't really get that, but it's supposedly a compliment. As much as
I hate this show, I have to admit, these women always look soooo much better once Tim's done with them. Veronica makes fun of Tim. I love Veronica. I love her more when she makes fun of Tim.

Gina looks amazing in her Isaac Mizrahi dress. She also got a serious fake tan, which helps a lot. They bring Junes back to give Gina's husband salsa dancing lessons. That's pretty cute.

Gina looked fantastic at her cousin's wedding and danced the night away. She's very happy now, and says she loves Tim and Veronica.

And we're out. I'm going to go make myself a stiff drink. See you all next week.