Law & Order: SVU - "Paternity" (Episode 192)

A young boy is running down a crowded New York street in a rugby jersey covered in blood. A lady stops him and calls in for help. Detectives Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson try to gather more information. The on-site paramedic checks out the young boy and states that the blood isn't his but since it is a rugby jersey it may have been purchased with the blood on it. The detectives get a DNA sample from the blood-soaked jersey and find out the boy's name is Tommy. Tommy doesn't know his mom's first name and won't tell the detectives his last name. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that, once I discovered this brat's last name I immediately thought something must be wrong with him for him not to know it and say it with pride.

There is nothing physically wrong with the boy but he latches on to Stabler and won't let go. The detectives assign the regular beat cops to canvas the neighborhood and Captain Cragen calls in a favor with his one of his buddies from the local News channel. Stabler is the star of the news broadcast since young Tommy freaks out anytime he puts him down. It is an awkward segment on that night's news broadcast because it looks like Stabler is one of the humane society people trying to encourage viewers to adopt a puppy. Much like a puppy, Stabler takes Tommy home with him to bathe him, feed him, and maybe rub his nose in shit if necessary. The Stablers have a nostalgic moment as they sit by the bathtub and talk about Mrs. Stabler's pregnancy. She is sure it is a girl and he is sure that she needs to keep her cocky know-it-all predictions to herself.

The news segment actually draws the usual looneys out of the woodwork but eventually the father comes forward. The father, Jake KEEGAN, is relieved to see his son. Ok, we're going to take a little break in the story to discuss the awesomeness that is my name being used in an episode of L&O: SVU. This is the proof that I so desperately searched for that, not only are people actually reading this, but that writers/producers/someone who knows someone/caterers/etc. from Law & Order: SVU are actually reading this. I know ye of little faith believe this to be some sort of coincidence but I know better. My excitement grows as I quickly think of all of the possibilities that this character may have. It is one thing to have a background two-line character from some sitcom with your name, but it is entirely different to have a character from SVU. Think about all of the funny outgoing voicemail opportunities if I can get Benson or Stabler to say my name in anger or rage. Oh, please god, please let Jake Keegan be a baby-raping, serial killing, slap Stabler back, badass. It would just make it that much cooler.

Let's get on with the story, shall we?

The detectives tell the incredibly good-looking and talented Keegan (I will stop soon) that they found Tommy covered in someone else's blood. He tells them that he was working and that he left Tommy with his mother and so Liv, Elliot, and, the real star of the show, Keegan head to the Keegan residence. They arrive and find the door wide open and a blood trail leading upstairs to Jake and Leah Keegan's bedroom. On the bed, covered in blood, is a beautiful dead woman. Don't worry, it isn't Leah, it's just the nanny, Jodi Timmons. Jodi was beaten, strangled and raped. Dr. Melinda Warner wants to collect a DNA sample from Jake Keegan to clear him of the crime but Stabler immediately considers him a suspect. Keegan looks like the kind of guy that would be fucking the hot blonde babysitter, hell yeah.

Keegan submits to the DNA test but is in a hurry to find his wife, Leah. A surveillance camera shows Leah in Jake's car with another man on the New Jersey Turnpike and a trace of her credit card shows a recent charge at a fleabag motel. Jake is convinced she must have been kidnapped and Detectives Stabler and Benson go to the hotel. From outside the hotel room they can hear what sounds like a woman being slowly tortured. They bust in and find a man and Leah engaged in consensual sex. When the detectives busted into the room it took them a moment to realize it was consensual sex so they probably wanted to awkwardly apologize and tell the couple to continue. However, that would just be silly. I mean, the woman was on her stomach so naturally I am guessing anal, and the intensity of the woman's screams tells me that she was probably a newbie at this style of Cum-Fu fighting, so putting together all those variables I know that it takes a very powerful erection to make this happen and not something a man can just snap his fingers and get, especially after having guns put into his face by two pissed of detectives. Actually, maybe that would be a sort of sex "aid" but I guess it just depends on the guy.

The detectives interrogate Leah and she gives the usual whore-bitch sob story that she loves her husband but that he, jesus christ, works too much. As much as Stabler wants to shoot her on the spot, the interrogation continues because they need to get more information about the other victim, Jodi Simmons. Jodi was a Mormon recruited right out of Utah. Mormons make great nannies because they don't drink, don't smoke, and are used to taking care of 19 children. Detectives Stabler and Benson track down and question a few of Jodi's Mormon friends. They tell tell the detectives that Jodi started getting into online social networks and dressing slutty and so they stopped hanging out with her since she will burn in hell. The detectives pull up her pseudo myspace page and find quite the ho-ish profile and tons of emails from three different guys. The first two have alibis but the third just screams "rapist pervert". His name is Raphael and he works in an auto-shop and looks like a mirror image of Joey Buttafuoco himself.

Detective Fin drags Raphael into interrogation. He claims that the two of them had an involved and romantic relationship but the evidence shows that Jodi was a "Mormon gone wild". Olivia immediately picks up on Raphael's delusions and he cracks pretty easily. He showed up to her house and she laughed at him because his online profile showed a picture of a guy that was 20 years younger. So naturally he pushed his way in and raped and killed her.

Cased closed. Well, not exactly. Medical Examiner Melinda Warner informs Stabler that she did a DNA test of Jodi, Tommy, and Jake to prove that the blood on Tommy's shirt didn't belong to him. The test that came back actually proved that Jake wasn't Tommy's real father. That whore! You don't cheat on Keegan and get away with it, bitch. Stabler and Benson get in a heated argument about whether or not to tell Jake. Stabler insists that it isn't their business to tell Jake and that it could destroy the loving relationship between the non-father and his mother's dirty cheat-trophy of a son. Benson argues that it is Jake's right to know that he has been raising a child that isn't his biologically. Their arguing gets so heated that they forget to look around and soon realize that Jake has heard just about every word of it. I guess it's a pointless debate now, but why does Benson always get her way?

Elliot Stabler sits down with Jake Keegan to have a man to man talk about finding out that your son isn't really your son. Stabler actually likes Keegan (go figure) and his story starts to hit a little close to home and I can already see Stabler is starting to sweat his pregnant wife and their earlier separation. Stabler goes home and asks his wife if she dated anyone while they were separated. He admits to seeing someone else (Danni Beck) and she admits to going on a couple of "dates". Luckily, Stabler is interrupted from his home interrogation (probably would have involved throwing a chair or a backhand just like at work) by a call reporting a disturbance at the Keegan residence. God, I have heard that a million times. Stabler and Benson show up and break up a fight between Jake, Leah, and Leah's punk-bitch of a boyfriend, Matt. They scream at each other and Jake throws some very good and valid insults to both the boyfriend and his whore-wife. Matt really pushes it when Tommy comes out and Matt tries to comfort him and at this point I am suspecting that Stabler wants to shoot Matt.

The following morning Captain Cragen tells Stabler and Benson that they are required to attend a Family Court hearing because Matt filed for custody of Tommy. Tommy shows up at the police station and says that his father dropped him off because he is going away and that his bitch-mom went "away" the same way that Jodi went "away". Stabler picks up on the clue and goes to the Keegan residence and finds a murdered Leah. Jake is apprehended at his summer house and Stabler goes to take custody of him while Benson drives Stabler's wife to her doctor appointment. Jake readily admits to the crime and is by far the most sympathetic murderer we have ever seen. Ever. Keegan should go down in history as the best looking and kind hearted murderer to ever grace the television screen. I can only hope that we see an early parole so that he can become a recurring character on the show. I see him becoming a renegade defense attorney constantly battling the DA's office on the side of those who commit justifiable homicide until a steamy, passionate love affair with Casey Novak makes them both risk it all for love....

Meanwhile....Olivia is driving Stabler's wife, Kathy, to the doctor when they are plowed by a drunk driver. It was truly shocking and it reminded me of one of those State Farm commercials that I used to hate that would show someone randomly getting T-boned while casually driving with friends. Olivia comes too but Stablerlette is unconscious. The paramedics and firefighters show up but cannot get in to the car to perform a rescue so Benson climbs back in and secures Kathy with the coaching of a paramedic. Stabler gets the news and hops on a helicopter to get to the hospital but it is too late....

She gives birth to a baby son (so much for women's intuition) in the back of an ambulance racing towards the hospital. Benson doesn't technically deliver the baby herself but she probably would have if the paramedic wasn't stronger than she was. Stabler arrives at the hospital to see his wife and healthy son for the first time. He tells her he loves her.

He never did find out though if she slept with anyone else during their "separation".