Dirty Sexy Money: The Nutcracker (Episode 110)

Which is a bigger tool?

In the Fauxbo Loft, Sofia and Jeremy are enjoying a morning in, as it were. She wants Jeremy to tell her what he sees when he looks at her with the eyes of a painter. She can’t wait for him to paint her; it’s been two weeks since he said he would. After some bad innuendo about letting his inspiration build, and some wriggling and kissing, he says he’ll start tomorrow. Because, presumably, they’ll be having too much sex today to do anything else.

Also having too much sex: Patrick and Ellen. And by too much, I mean any, because I find Patrick decidedly asexual and sort of flaccid as a character, so the sight of Ellen rolling off him all hot and bothered is rather disconcerting. Patrick plays along that it was "spectacular!", but the fact that Ellen mentions he didn’t seem to be that into means he probably wasn’t that into it. Plus, his leg hurts where she shot him, and he passive aggressively says that his leg hurting where she shot him does not mean he’s still angry at her for shooting him. His phone buzzes, so Ellen rolls out of bed for the shower with a happy wave. And that Ellen is still in her lingerie probably speaks volumes to how infrequent and tepid sex with Patrick must be, if one encounter left her breathless but still not ravished out of her nightie like every other woman on this show. Patrick answers the phone, hissing at Carmelita to stop calling. She’s a bit frantic, saying she wrote him ten emails the night before that went unanswered, and she thinks she’s being followed. She came home from class the night before and things weren’t the way she left them. Pat says he’ll be right over.

Lisa and Nick are in bed, Nick dozing and Lisa talking to the artist she’s conned into being Patrick’s beard. Lisa rattles on about this painter teaching Jeremy to draw today, but Nick is less interested in Jeremy’s fake in-progress paintings of Sofia than his wife’s neck. But the phone rings, which puts an end to all the kissing. Simon Elder’s on the other end, asking to speak to Nick. And also on the other end, and in bed with Simon, is Karen. He offers her some cherry lemonade, and as he pours he tells her that there’s someone coming to town tonight he’d like her to meet. She offers to ditch the annual Darling Nutcracker evening and declares the lemonade perfection. Things get sexy pretty quickly, Karen smiling that Simon is the best kisser.

And now we go to church, as is only fitting having just been in four separate beds. Tripp’s come to see Brian to broker something like peace between them, but Brian is caustic as he says that nothing’s changed. Tripp says everything has. He admits that Brian isn’t his son, and he spent most of Brian’s life trying to find a bit of himself in the man. He says he loved Brian’s dad, and he looks forward to "having this relationship" with Brian, whatever that may be. Brian’s like, yeah, thanks, I have to leave.

He has a meeting with his bishop, I think, and Brian suffers through the conversation with the usual veneer of polite sarcasm. Reverend Whatsisface says that Brian is unique, and he’s watched him find his own independent way in the church, but what with all the sleeping with a parishioner seeking guidance and bribing a court-appointed official, he’s being suspended for six months. He’s being asked to attend counseling for sexual addiction and a series of workshops. "Who doesn’t love workshops?" Brian says. Reverend Whoosey says Brian has a lot of work to do, and a lot of questions to answer, like whether or not he still feels called to the church.

At Simon Elder’s office, Simon asks if he and Nick are still cool. Nick says he has some concerns; his parents’ past with the Darlings has made him question Elder’s motives. Again. Simon says that the only problem he has with the family is that they stand in the way of his vision for his city. He says casually it’s not personal. He then asks Nick to get profit and loss statements for Darling Enterprises’ last five years, as well as a list of their holdings. Nick says this is information privileged to the family only, which Simon says Nick is. Nick thinks it’s a betrayal; Simon says it’s "synthesis." Nick asks if that’s all. Simon says he’s seeing Karen; Nick asks if Simon is trying to cause a rift between Karen and Tripp the way he did with Patrick. Simon blows smoke about Patrick following his heart, and likewise, says he likes Karen for herself, since she’s such a "dynamic woman." But if pursuing her will cause problems with Nick, he won’t. Nick doesn’t think it should be a problem.

The Darling Imperial Manse: Breakfast. Tish asks if everyone’s excited about the Nutcracker. Karen says she’s not going to be there. Tish: "Karen. It’s the Nutcracker." Heh. Karen is busy, and Tripp backs her up. I missed that the first time, but: ding! Clue. Juliet tells Karen that she’s clearly afraid of being at a family event without a lover to protect her from the intimacy of her tribe. "You’ve been spending so much time living from your swadhisthana," she says, pointing towards her… lap… "you need to get up into your anahata and start feeling it. I learned that in the Seychelles." Karen looks at her sister with narrowed eyes, saying gently that she regrets giving Juliet her honeymoon. Juliet says Brian really needs a honeymoon. Karen agrees, asking Tish what they’re going to do about "that." She adds that if she woke up one day and found out that she didn’t really belong with the family, she would kill herself. Tripp says that just because Brian isn’t his biological son does not mean he doesn’t belong. Tish adds that he is still the girls’ brother. Said brother enters at just this moment, saying they’re all talking about him. "I know, we’re not all related! Not my fault," he says, gesturing to Tish. He tells Juliet some guy is there for her. She leaves, laughing, and Tripp thinks her trip was salutary. Downstairs, Juliet jubilantly greets "Kai," a hot bald island guy with an indeterminate accent who is wowed by all the first class treatment he’s getting thanks to Juliet. She leads him to the elevator, saying she missed him, and they make out.

Brian spends some quality time babbling to mom about all the nuttiness in his life: losing his wife, daughters, son, former mistress, and father. "I mean, what’s next, leprosy?" Tish says he needs to be patient and do what the bishop said to regain his post. Brian says he’s not sure he wants it. Tish seriously says he’s so good at it, citing all the beautiful prayers he’s written and that were published, even. He says that’s because of the Darling thing. She says he has a way of articulating questions about God and faith that people want to ask; he tells her that’s because they’re his questions, too. He says he’s never really felt the presence of the Lord: "Sure, I get weepy at Christmas. The crucifixion kinda gets to me. But that’s not the same as having faith." That is Brian in a nutshell: hope, pain, and doubt. Tish kneels down to turn off the footbath—how much do I love that Brian is having his feet washed while discussing his faith with his mother?—and tells him that this is all because of recent circumstances. He says the family’s treating him like an alien, same as always, and this is about faith, which he’s never sure he had. Tish tells him to go to his father; Brian says sharply that Tripp is not his father. Tish replies that Tripp raised him, and he’s good with questions like these. She rubs his feet, asking if that isn’t better. He smiles, yes it is.

Lisa and Jeremy are at her gallery, where there is also a giant blue sponge from Germany that just sold for $150 grand. Lisa talks about art being a window. Jeremy thinks it’s still a sponge.

Juliet and Kai talk about making the most of their time and are generally grotesquely cute.

Nick and Tripp confer about the holdings and financial reports Simon Elder asked for. Tripp says Simon’s showing his hand and isn’t that bothered by giving the information to Nick. Nick says that if Tripp’s forging or doctoring anything, he wants no part of it. Tripp’s answer is sort of, "no, of course not, but only a little." Basically, Elder will see what Tripp wants him to see, and enough that he doesn’t question what Nick’s given him. Karen will deliver the documents to Nick at his office. "Let every adverse force converge," Tripp says. They have Simon right where they want him. When Nick leaves, Tripp picks up the phone and tells someone that Simon’s asked for their financial data: "Find out what he’s up to." Intrigue.

Karen delivers the statements as promised, asking what he’s doing with them. He doesn’t answer, and they bat it back and forth a little; Nick asks about things with Simon. She fakes surprise that he heard, and he says eventually Tripp will, too, though not from him. She says she and Simon just talk about how to make the world a better place. Ha. She invites him to one of their talks, which he turns down flat (and makes me laugh with the way he does). She asks if he’s going to the Nutcracker, and he is, with Kiki. She tells him to have fun and leaves.

Carmelita’s still freaking when Pat comes over to tell her everything will be fine. Drawers were open that she didn’t open, she says; lights were on that she turned off. He looks around for bugs and tells her he’ll have someone watching the place. He can’t get the police involved because he’s the AG and Carmelita’s not his wife. He says he won’t let anything happen to her.

In Tripp’s study, Brian’s confessed his lack of faith. Brian says that the timing of the suspension and everything happening, it seems like the time to "become authentic." Tripp asks him if he’s ever really believed. Brian doesn’t know. The idea of something giving up its life for more life has always been appealing to him. Tripp says he envies Brian’s life of the mind. He asks if Brian really wants to give that up, the world of ideas. "What could be better?" he asks. Brian says he doesn’t know, nor does he know what to do. Tripp tells him it’s for him to decide.

Lisa rejoins Jeremy in the gallery to tell him that the artist she lined up to fuel his Fauxbo-painter lifestyle has bailed. "He said he feels like a whore," Lisa says. Jeremy starts railing about having to tell Sofia the truth, then notices how alike Sofia and Lisa’s… clothes… are. Lisa’s very uncomfortable with all the gesturing Jeremy’s doing at her boobs. Jeremy says he’s got the thing: a little herbal refreshment. He says it’s perfect, since the gallery is closed, they need to chillax so he can draw and she can pose. Lisa says this is a bad idea. Jeremy knows, and he likes it, because he’s Jeremy.

Karen arrives for her dinner with Simon dressed to the nines with retro-twenties hair and lovely earrings. He’s dining with Gina Freakin’ Torres, who is his princess ex-wife. Karen pours herself a big ol’ glass of wine. After the break, she’s still drinking, and Gina and Simon are talking all about how they met and fell in love and got married and divorced and how they’re still together but not, and Karen’s very clearly unsettled. Simon and Gina talk in a foreign language, and finally let Karen in: Gina approves. Karen doesn’t quite know how to take this: "Lucky me!"

Patrick’s enlisted Clark to look after Carmelita. He’s got a camera in a plant so he can keep an eye on her, and he’s going to stake out in the car nearby with some rice and eggs to keep his mind sharp and help him see in the dark, or something. He’s very kind, and she’s very appreciative, and why these people put up with Pat says more about who they are than who he is. Clark’s looking out for Carmelita, is the point, and she is genuinely scared.

Lisa and Jeremy are high, flopped out on a couch in the gallery. Jeremy muses that he’s living a weird life. Lisa says life is full of surprises. Jeremy’s leaning on Lisa’s shoulder. He looks at his drawing and says that he’s a sucky artist. She tells him to be himself with Sofia: lying will slowly kill his insides, and once Sofia sees who he is, she’ll be able to love him for what he is. She gets a little teary as she says the truth may surprise Sofia and Jeremy. And then she gets teary and morose as she lays down beside him and says she’s losing her husband. Jeremy tells her she’s stoned, and rests his head on her shoulder again. Lisa says that since Nick started working for the family, he’s been slipping away, and she and Kiki have to compete with the Darlings despite being there every day. "We’re there missing him and loving him and he’s off doing God knows what for all of you, and he doesn’t have to!" She says she doesn’t get it, since he doesn’t need to do it, and then she does the thing where she talks about how she’s stoned and rambling and weird. Jeremy crawls into her lap and says if she were his, he’d never go out. She points out he’s in her lap, and he says it’s nice. He kisses her. She pushes him back gently and tells him quite seriously not to do that again.

Carmelita is doing her nails when she hears something in the apartment. She rounds the corner, calling for Clark. There is door, and it is being very ominous.

Dancers stretch and musicians warm up in the Imperial Darling Manse. Kiki looks around in awe, saying that her mom is missing a once in a lifetime experience. Nick tells her they do it every year, and this impresses Kiki even more. "I have to marry into this family!" she says. Nick tells her that’s not the right attitude.

Juliet leads Kai into the room, which has been turned into a makeshift theater with rows of sofas and chairs in front of an impossibly small stage. She asks if he likes ballet or if this will drive him away. He thinks it’s interesting, since they don’t have anything like it where he’s from. She cuddles up, saying she can’t wait to see him see it.

Karen arrives, looking pale and discomfited. Nick offers her a seat, asking if she’s okay. She says she’s fine. He asks if something happened with Simon; she says she doesn’t want to talk about it. He tells her she can, and she cuts him off with a teary, "Nothing happened." I don’t know if she’s faking or not, but she’s got the whole damsel in distress thing working for her either way. Kiki leans across her dad and tells Karen she’s wearing the prettiest dress on earth. Karen thanks her. Tish kicks off the show, which is some weird abbreviated version of the Nutcracker that sort of horrifies me. That show was a hugely important part of my childhood, yet I find most productions of it sort of disturbing, and one that takes place in a five foot square area is even more frightening. Karen looks woefully over at Nick in the dark. Did I already say intrigue? Because: intrigue.

The next morning at the gallery, the woman who purchased Lisa’s giant blue German sponge arrives to pick it up and discovers that it reeks of pot. This is very upsetting to her because she had a stoner ex-husband who she hates and the smell reminds her of him. Lisa thinks the smell won’t be permanently absorbed, but the uptight customer says it’s a sponge: absorbing is its job. She leaves in a huff, and Lisa’s boss fires her. She stares at a giant blue sponge. It represents her existential crisis.

Ellen and Patrick play happy couple. Pat’s phone rings, and it’s "Clarky." Clark tells Pat he needs to come to Carmelita’s: she’s gone. Pat covers as best he can. When he gets to the apartment, he sees the polish stain on the floor. Clark explains that whoever took Carmelita came in through the window and waited in the bedroom for her. "They managed to elude the ficus." Pat asks how this could happen. He wanders to the window and picks up a scarf of Carmelita’s, opining, "She’s gone."

Brian strides into Tripp’s Office in the Sky, wearing a very nice, well-fitted black suit that looks sort of devastating on him. It’s not terribly different from his clerical wear in color, but the casual suitiness of it and the absence of collar make a HUGE difference, and Brian almost looks comfortable. He tells Tripp he found it in his closet, and it feels like a uniform. Brian looks around a moment. Tripp tells him to speak. He says he did some thinking the night before; every time he thought about leaving the church, his anxiety made him want to go back, and every time he thought about going back, he felt trapped and wanted to leave. Tripp thinks that’s a hard way to spend an evening. Brian says it’s a hard way to spend a life. "But that’s over now, right?" Tripp asks. Brain says it is—once he stopped thinking, he started praying, and he think he got an answer. From God. And God told him to work for Tripp and Darling Enterprises. It’s what’s best for Brian and the company. Tripp asks if this is God or Tish talking. Brian says Tish doesn’t even know he’s there. Tripp actually says, "Wow." He then quotes the Book of Kings, I think, saying he’s not one to doubt the "small, still voice of God." He shakes Brian’s hand and welcomes him to the company, "son." This will be interesting.

Nick’s arrived at Elder Estates to confront him over what happened with Karen. He says he doesn’t know what happened and doesn’t want to know, but he wants Simon to stay away from her. He says Simon can have any woman he wants, and if he’s serious about his plans for the city and not just trying to destroy the Darlings, he should let Karen go. Simon reminds him he’s married, and Nick says that’s not what it’s about. He insists again Simon let Karen go. He agrees, and Nick hands over the financial information. Simon looks and says it’s incredible. Nick says it’s just business.

Sofia tries to find some good in Jeremy’s sketches, but he’s had enough of making his insides die by lying. He tells her he’s been lying to her about everything. He’s just a rich, lazy ass named Darling, and his family is worth billions. He says he wanted to make sure she liked him before he told her the truth, having suffered enough " at the hands of these love pirates!" He repeats Lisa’s line about being loved for who and what he is. Sofia says she doesn’t care who he is or how rich he is, this is not a way to treat people. She leaves.

Kai tells Juliet he wants to stay indefinitely. She thinks this is the best day ever! She wants to take him shopping for warm clothes, but he doesn’t want her taking care of him "like some kind of poodle." He came for her. She tells him she wants to give him one gift: she wants him to be her first. Whenever, she says, but she wants it to be him. He tells her she’s amazing, and they make out some more.

George Home. Nick’s drinking wine this time, not Grey Goose. Lisa sits beside him and pours herself a glass, announcing that she was fired. He asks if she wants to tell him what happened. She explains the giant blue German sponge ruined by Jeremy’s pot. Nick asks if she got high, too; when she says she did, he carefully replies, "I see." She says maybe she wanted something bad to happen, to shake things up. He says the Darlings will shake up most everything. Now she knows how he feels, he says. She asks if she does, really. He sincerely says she does. She apologizes for being unemployed. He asks if she wants to have another kid. She seems shocked, but ultimately overjoyed. She hops in his lap and kisses him and cries and laughs. Yes, best idea ever.

Karen flounces into the Office in the Sky, asking if Tripp wanted to talk to her. Tripp asks if they’re in over their heads with "this thing." "What thing?" she asks. The thing with Simon Elder, he says. She tells him not to worry about it. He asks if she’s not getting emotionally involved. She promises she’s not. He reminds her they agreed that wasn’t part of the plan. Rather flatly, she says she knows.

Did I say intrigue? Intrigue!