Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants (Episode 101)

The premise of Crowned is like Miss America on crack. Take 11 pageant queen daughters and pair them with their wannabe pageant queen mothers and let then duke it out for a $100,000 prize. There’s cattiness, conniving and far too much hairspray, eyeliner and sequined dresses to keep track of.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s Carson Kressley, former Miss USA Shanna Moakler and “TV personality” Cynthia Garret host. (I feel like Cynthia may have been an Extra correspondent at some point in my childhood, but other than that, I’m drawing a blank.)

Shanna runs the show, which only really means that she repeatedly tells the moms and draughts that she’s “trying to find out what’s really going on inside” of them when they each give the same canned, superficial answers during the opening competition. Their first elimination task is to come up with a team name, a theme to match the name and a short introductory presentation. Each team will be judged on originality, how well their presentation reflects the team and how they make a first impression. Seems simple enough, but the first team quickly crushed any hopes I had of this show retaining a smidge of intelligence.

The Redhead Bombshells are a sickening duo. The daughter is a Mariah Carrey in training, complete with an attitude bigger than the size zero bikini she pranced around in. For her part, mom isn’t much better. A poster child for plastic surgery gone bad, mama looks likes she’s had three too many facelifts. The judges weren’t feeling the team either, especially the "bobmshell" name and advised them to rethink how they go about making a first impression.

Just to show how creative pageant girls can be, the second team up just so happened to have the original name of the Blond Bombshells. Trying to play up their Southern vibe, the ladies were barely visible behind their large blacks hats, while the rest of their bodies were far too much on display. Other than saying they looked like “Amish hookers,” Carson was at a loss for words along with the other judges. The BB's were sent off with same advice as the redheads.

The only saving grace came early, as the third team proved to be just the right amount of confidence and wholesomeness without seeming cheesy and forced. The Dream Gals performed a short little number while dressed in slumber party gear and came off seeming normal and genuine team. Which is quite a large feat for the little we've seen so far.

Next up, the Diamond Dolls played the sympathy card. After being labeled by the judges as too superficial (and idiots for advertising their love of ‘bling’), the daughter revealed that mom recently received a kidney transplant, and as a result, she took two years off of school to care for her. The prize money from this competition would help pay the medical bills and let the daught go back to school, blah blah blah. But the judges didn't let them completely off the hook and told tsked them in the 'first impression' category.

A slew of bad news couples rounded things out. Skin Deep performed a rap and gave a totally bogus definition of their team name. The Tomboy Queens flexed their muscles and got compliments from the judges on their name, while the Sassy Sisters got throw to the dogs for theirs. A mom who relishes in trying to look as young as her daughter is disturbing. Period.

The Reigning A’s were a hot mess who wouldn’t quit talking and never made sense. Then there were the blah Daredevil Divas and the worst named team of the night--Silent but Deadly. Hot and Not brought the introductions to a close with a crude skit depicting how hot the daughter was and how not the mom was. A tough pill to swallow when the daught is dressed in what appeared to be a Halloween costume from the Playboy collection.

As all the teams were brought back onto the stage, Shanna dramatically revealed that it’s not just an elimination, it’s a “DESASHING.” They literally—I kid you not—have the ‘runner up’ elimination team cut off the eliminated couple’s sashes with a pair of gigantic, bedazzled scissors. For real. Only on the CW.

The Blond Bombshells, Dream Gals and Reigning A’s were all asked to come forward. After being told they were all standout performances but for extremely different reasons (how very Project Runway of them!), Shanna revealed that the Dream Gals had won the competition and the Reigning A’s would be heading home. It’s a safe bet to say that approximately 85% of the mothers and daughters were crying as the Blond Bombshells were instructed to desash the Reigning A’s. After a well-played yelp and declaration that she “just can’t do it,” the Blond daughter picked up the scissors and sliced off those sashes without a problem. Just like a true pageant queen would!

Next week, the girls compete in a swimsuit competition.