American Idol: Season Seven Philadelphia Auditions

Never wear a costume

Seven cities...One hundred thousand auditioners....only one American Idol. This is the tricky part, Seacrest tells us. And we're starting it in Philadelphia. Below, check out the featured faves (golden ticket winners in bold, people who I think were faking their crapitude underlined):

Joey Catalano (LOVED his brother Jordan's work), lost 200 pounds. But can he sing? He tries Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning." He's pleasant, but is he an Idol? Three yesses say so: he's headed to Hollywood. But only after Simon tells him to put some weight on. Ha!

Alaa Youkeem loves, in no particular order: America, girls, and the Bee Gees. Simon and Randy want Paula to dance with him. I just want him to leave. No Hollywood for Alaa.

Melanie Nyema sang back up for Taylor Hicks, who is a southern gentleman but doesn't talk about Randy and the judges often. She sings "Unwritten," and gets by with two votes.

James Lewis' specialty is singing low. Minus the singing. Sweet mustard jacket though.

Time for Idol "comedy" time! How did the liberty bell get its crack? Bad singing, of course!

Junot Joyner fixes things with his Elton John song, followed by....

Jose Candeleria who sings Toni Braxton en espanol, and...

Jonathan Baines, who is a cute fratty boy who gets through with a slight country twang.

But here comes Temptress Brown, 16-year-old girl and football player. And her mom is morbidly obese. This is so depressing and they are just setting her up for failure. She even tries to sing J Hud's Dreamgirls showstopper, and...ouch. This is when I hate Idol. Even when they hug her and help her come back out it feels awful.

Mark Hayes "sings" White Christmas, and gets axed. Hey -- At least he can do cricket sounds! To mock comedians!

Udgeet Sampat has incorporated music into his workplace...not very effectively, if his audition is any indication. Udgeet becomes the first singer for Simon to unload on. The bitch is back!

What's Philly's phavorite song to sing? "I Love Rock n' Roll." Nice choice, gang.

Coming up...a meltdown you would not believe. Umm. It's season 7. I think I'll believe it. Regardless, here it comes.

Alexis Cohen likes shiny things, and she's a pirate! She lives in a one-room studio apartment with her mother. She sings "Somebody to Love" and it's an insane impression. The vibrato is nuts. The thing is she doesn't sound terrible so much as off her rocker. And her appearance would confirm that. She doesn't get through and is speechless...until she gets outside and declares Simon is "very very bad words." In the audition room, Simon compares her to Willem Dafoe in Spiderman. That's perfect, because Alexis decides she wants to go for "actressing" instead. Best of luck!

Back from commercial and we get a montage of people who got through. Gee, I would have liked to have seen them sing.

Angela Martin was a teenage mom, and her daughter has Retts Syndrome, which is like cerebral palsy. Angela's whole support structure is at the auditions. She sings "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" and thank GOD, she can sing. If Idol had done all that handicapped baby backstory and she was bad, it would have been episode off right there, recap be damned. Off to Hollywood with her!

Day Two!

Elise Wojciechowski shouts "Feeling Good" (poor Nina Simone), and Simon says it was identical to a nightmare he had.

...Cueing a montage of "nightmare" singers!

Outside, an "old man" wants in to sing his ditty for the youngsters, "No Sex Allowed." Milo Turk gets in and says changing the rules would be worth it for his tune. He is wrong, and in alllikelihood, has taken a few improv classes.

Oregonian Kristy Lee Cook is an outdoorsy, horse-loving, kickboxing cage-fighter. Of course! She sold a horse to come to Philly -- there wasn't a closer audition? She sings "Amazing Grace." She sounds good, but there's something about twangy girls that irks me. She's through though, dip-dyed weird shoulder tee and all.

We follow that success with Ben Haar, a guy in a cloak. Hiding his Princess Leia costume. The judges are horrified, and he goes to wax his chest before returning for a second chance.

While that's happening, we get a slew of bad auditions, followed by people expressing their "right to free speech."

Paul Marturano sings a love song he wrote for Paula Abdul about stalking her, breaking into her home and wearing her underwear. It's pretty funny and he can sing pretty well. (If she were Columbo, I'd Peter Falk her...If she was a runner, I would balk her). Simon gets security to take him out. Oh please. That guy was such an actor.

Beth Stalker -- mom by day, singer by night. She sings "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered" and sounds so pretty and old-fashioned. Would she get too John Stephens though? Randy and Paula give us a chance to find out.

Ben returns, as hairless a newborn babe. I don't know even know that that's possible, he's barely red. He announces that he was planning on singing "Don't Cha." God, if he had said that first, he could have spared himself the fake waxing. They kick him out almost immediately.

Chris Watson wants to be a legend and is influenced by the Chili Peppers and Nirvana. Also, "Delaware Tech, represent!" He sings "Follow Me" by Uncle Kracker. The judges like his look and his sound, so he's through.

Two girls are left in Philadelphia: One's a cute blonde and one's a Star Wars freak. Gee, I wonder which one will make it?

Christina Tolisano, aforementioned Star Wars nerd gets up there, and she's going to sing "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me." She's another not terrible singer, but still, not exactly good and totally weird. They don't let her through (shock!) and she's pissed (shock!).

Brooke White comes up next amid Christina's meltdown. She's a nanny to one-year-old twins in Van Nuys, California, she's never seen a rated R movie, and she's married. She sings Corinne Bailey Ray's "Like a Star." It's pretty and soft. Randy calls her pure. Well as the last auditioner would say, duh! She's through to Hollywood.

29 people went through from Philly, and we saw all of...10 of them sing? Thanks Idol.

Tomorrow we'll be in Dallas Texas, where things are bigger but not better, Seacrest warns. See you then!