American Idol: Season Seven Dallas Auditions

sweet guyliner!

Idol is back in Dallas for the first time since Kelly Clarkson. Can they find another superstar? Or will it just be a bunch of crazies we shouldn't "mess with"? Below, read about the featured players tonight, complete with handy bolded golden ticket winners, and underlined fakers. Sorry it's so stream-of-consciousness. Two hours of bad auditions is tough to get through!

Paula's late to auditions. It's okay, we have a very lengthy video package about our first singer to get through.

Jessica Brown is a stay at home mom of two girls. Her experiments with drugs in college went a little too far. "Jesus Take the Wheel" changed her life and helped her get off of meth. "I'll stand by you" by the Pretenders. Like her low register, which is rare for girls in this competition. She keeps thinking the audition was going to end, but it doesn't. Her family is all gathered outside...she's through! Yay, hollywood! Where the temptation of meth is nowhere to be found.

Paul Stafford is a wacky dancer and a park attendant. Gee, does the clown music in his package portend success for Paul? Well, let's see, he's also a roller coaster enthusiast. So...no. He sings Elliott's "Wait For You." Very emphatically. Paula calls the audition joyful, which seems to bug Simon. No mincing words with Paul though, he's out.

Beth Maddocks loves Kelly Clarkson, and she is a singing waitress at a fondue restaurant. People compare her to Kelly Clarkson. Deaf people. Her lack of enunciation is hilarious. She sings "Beautiful Disaster" and her audition is apt.

This prompts a montage of more disasters.

Alaina Whitaker has been compared to Carrie Underwood, but she thinks it should be the other way around. She sings "Stronger" by Faith Hill and she 's got a very professional presentation. Simon doesn't know that she's as good as she thinks she is, and Paula wants her to work on softening it up a little, but regardless, she's through.

Gregory and Mia Tobias sing opera oer one another, and these two are an argument against home schooling if there ever was one. Bummer for Mia though, she could actually sing, if it wasn't in a round with Tobias.

Bruce Dickson and his Dad are here. He's never kissed a girl. Ryan jokes, "I've kissed a girl today." Sure, Ryan. Bruce can sing, but the stylizing is SO weird. The judges think he's on the verge of being okay, but not good enough. Randy's advice: kiss some girls.

Pia "Zpia" Easley is a model/musician/background singer. She sings Gladys Knight's "Got to Use My Imagination." Man, she has an amazing lower tone. Simon likes her because most background singers "come in like whipped donkeys." She's through.

Brandon Green is a sweet southern boy, until he reveals that has a bag of fingernail clippings. It's the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. He wants to be a positive influence, unlike Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. He sings "Rich Girl" by Hall and Oates. Simon thinks he's forgettable, but Paula likes him. "You would," Simon retorts. The dawg lets him through, after giving him a very hard time.

Kayla Hatfield is a small-voiced farm girl with two children. She was in a terrible car accident at 18 that disfigured her face. But Kayla is such an optimist, she sees the face half-full (ha!). She sneaks into the audition room and is already freaked out. Suddenly her tiny voice turns into insane Janis Joplin. Surprise! Simon wants to be her for one or two hours a day. She's so happy. Simon says yes, but Paula doesn't think she's ready. Simon is fighting for her, is he doing it just to screw with them? Randy lets her through. Umm...huh?

We come back from commercial to a bunch of awful auditions.

Last audition of the day is Kady Malloy. She does a killer Britney Spears impression, minus the insanity. She launches into another impression, before Simon interrupts her and makes her sing as herself. Lucky for her, she goes right into his favorite, "Unchained Melody." Simon loves it, loves her, sys she's the best they've heard. She's through.

Douglas Davidson is 28, and he is a vocal master. He warms up, he reads Christina Aguilera articles, he drinks water. It makes his Dad hate him. He sings "Livin' on a Prayer," and it's even worse than every drunken singalong version I've ever heard. He even says "Nivin'" at one point. Douglas starts to pace and sing some kind of stream of consciousness drivel. I think he's insane. The guards escort him out.

Thank god, we are saved by cute stylish girl, Angela Reilly. Or are we? Her new hubby helped her pick the top 5 songs she should sing. They bring him in and he's a male model....named Chad (does it get anymore stereotypical) Well...good thing he's cute, because they're going to need his income. She doesn't sing well, but she sells it like she's rockin' some sweet private room karaoke. As Simon quips, after Chad's approval, "Love is Deaf."

Meet Kyle Ensley, he's running for American Idol. He can sing AND make good decisions. When his time as Idol is over, he would like to be the Governor of Oklahoma. The end of Idol's faux campaign ad for Kyle is so painful it's clear no writers are NOT scabbing on this show. He sings Queen's "Somebody to Love" and it's not terrible. Randy thinks it's very glee club and academic. Kyle takes it as a compliment. Paula lets him through, only after Simon makes him promise not to do weird things to his hair and wear red leather jackets like Clay Aiken.

Tammy Tuzinksi is the mellow alternative to Dallas' audition mayhem. She compares herself to Celine Dion. That's all we need. Another one of those. She sings "The Power of Love" and prompts immediate laughter. Not just because she's bad, but because she sings the wrong song. In the end, she goes with it...but still sounds bad. No Hollywood for Tammy.

Colton Swon walks in with his big head of cool guy hair. He's a musician in a band with his brother. He sings "Boondocks" and he sounds great, but his movement is really distracting. It's Taylor Hicksy, but more jerky. Three yesses send him through. But he decides to punk his parents by having the judges shout that he's terrible. Oh Colton, you jokester!

As it turns out, there are a lot of cross-dressers and effeminate men in Texas. Sounds like a montage to me.

Drew Poppelreiter from Saltillo Mississippi is like the male Kellie Pickler. He calls his family "hard-workin' rascals." He explains that he sings because a man gets lonesome on tractor. He then says, as he sticks a toothpick into his mouth, the trip to Hollywood would be his first time on a plane. Well, yee-haw! He sings "Check Yes or No" by George Strait in the audition. He's so old-fashioned and country. Simon stops it right away, but Randy and Paula send him through. I don't know that I buy this guy's backstory...

Kyle Reinnick thinks he's very edgy and intense. We aren't sure he knows what "rock" music sounds like. He does, however, know the meaning of guyliner. He sings "Never Again" by Kelly Clarkson. He's right about one thing -- this is intense. And messed up. Simon calls it demonic even. He's axed.

Nine Shaw is from Burleson Texas, hometown of Kelly Clarkson. She's got great gams. She sings Whitney Houston's "Run to You." Simon thinks it's cabaret, and Paula calls it pageanty. She tries a little Feeling Good, and Randy digs it. Paula agrees, and she's through, even without Simon's vote.

At last, 44-year-old Renaldo "the bride pimp" Lapuz sings his original composition, "We're Brothers Forever." The weird thing is, he could sound so much worse. And he's so smiley. If they sent crazy-face through they might as well give Renaldo a shot. As the song continues on repeat, the judges get together and star to sing along. "I am your brother, your best friend forever. Singing the songs, the music, that you lo-o-ove. We're brothers till the end of time, together or not, you're always in my heart..."They drag Ryan in, he joins the singing, Paula breaks it down hardcore, and Simon predicts: he's got a hit on his hands. It just won't be through Idol.

24 people get sent through. Again, we saw....10?

Here's hoping they feel like sharing more of the talent in San Diego, next week.