Torchwood: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (Episode 201)

This is team Torchwood, the teacher’s pets but teacher’s gone, hasn’t he?... The doctor, with his hands full of blood. The carer, with her oh so beating heart. The technician with her cold devices. Which leaves me with the office boy, promoted beyond his measure. All of you, lost without your master.

Where we were: Captain Jack, after dying and resurrecting yet again, ran off after the TARDIS, leaving Team Torchwood bothered and bewildered. Meanwhile, he visited the end of the universe, had a year that never was and hit on everything, mammal, insect, companion or Time Lord along the way. What did he learn? The universe will never run out of possible sexual partners for him, even as the universe is imploding in on itself. Also, my best friend couldn’t understand my obsession with this show.

Where we are: Cardiff in the very near future, watching a blowfish drive a sports car. No, I am not going to go for the obvious joke that about Blowfish and Torchwood, instead, I’m thinking the phrase “Blowfish in a sports car” needs to become its own internet meme.

Also, my best friend now claims to “hate me” as I’ve sucked her into another fandom with promises of lots of canon slash and snark. I’m still working on feeling guilty about that.

I do have to give the blowfish some credit as he has managed to grasp the rules of the road quite well, by waiting while some little old lady crosses the road. The lady’s night doesn’t get any better as the TT-SUV pulls up and Gwen asks about the aforementioned blowfish. In all honesty, for those of us who are over the age of say, 25, it’s not the strangest thing ever asked out the window of a car.

Watching the TT-SUV speed off in pursuit the old lady mutter, “Bloody Torchwood,” and her expression says what we’re all thinking.

Meanwhile, inside the TT-SUV, Tosh is trying to identify the species while Gwen an Owen are bickering about Owen’s speeding. She’s afraid that he may injure children. Owen, on the other hand, figures if the kids are out at midnight, they deserve it. In all honesty, it takes a great deal for me to agree with Owen, on anything, but I’m siding with him. If the kids are out at midnight, they’re totally road rash.

As for catching the blowfish, they aren’t certain what to do when they catch it and bemoan that Jack would know. Well, yes, but he’s not there. Both Gwen and my fictional Welsh boyfriend, Ianto, look really saddened at this fact. I cringe at the idea of the whole Jack/Gwen thing making a comeback. Was I the only one that actually liked the whole Gwen/Owen lust/hate thing? On second thought, don’t answer that.

A car chase throughout Cardiff (say that 10 times fast) ends with Owen shooting out the tire of the sports car a hostage situation inside the house of some innocent bystanders.

The blowfish, who happens to be high on cocaine (please note the restraint in not making the dirty joke just begging to be made here) dares the team to shoot him and gives us the team recap with which I began.

The blowfish is shot in the head by a smirking Jack. “Hey kid, didja miss me?”

Techno-title flash, complete with a newly re-mixed theme.

Jack watches as the team closes all aspects of the blowfish case without one hitch, or sexual pun, although Ianto does make a clever quip about sushi. But the slight sting Jack has over feeling redundant is nothing over the team’s anger at being abandoned without a word. He didn’t even lend them a hand before he left, because he took it with him in a jar. Okay, I know, it was a bad joke but I held back on the blowfish, didn’t I?

Jack explains that he found his Doctor and answers their questions, as much as Jack will ever answer them. When Owen asks if he’s fixed, Jack laughs is off as if he’s perfect. When Ianto asks if Jack’s going back, Jack confirms he came back, “for you.”

“For all of you,” Jack corrects himself.

Rift activity distracts the team from anymore questions and a beeping thing in the dead blowfish's pocket. There’s a “happy to see me” joke in here to be made and I’m willing to take suggestions.

As for the rift activity, it’s harkening (pun intended) the arrival of Spike Captain John Hart, aka, Spike. That’s just what Cardiff needs, the Rift and a hellmouth.

Okay, so sometimes the Spike references are too enticing for me to resist.

He’s dressed as either a reject from an 18th century army, or Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, the film, not the album. He comes upon a potential murder in process, but shows the wannabe killer how it’s really done, by dropping him off a roof.

“Thirsty now,” Spike Captain John says as he walks away form the scene. The entire Buffy fandom applauds.

Spike Captain John finds a bar, personally selecting the patron who can stay and keep him company. Needless to say, only the hot patrons can stay. There isn’t much resistance when he pulls out his big guns.

Now he’s alone. Of course, he won’t stay that way for long.

Back at the scene of the Captain John Hart five story drop game, the team is showing how completely competent they are while all of Jack’s input seems intrusive. In fact, other than the setting, it’s the same message we got back at the Hub, except, this one has an extra special bonus and the fulfillment of my wish from the end of the last series.

Just before the team leaves, Jack’s wrist-assist (all right, he calls it a “wrist strap” but I’m sticking with my rhyming nicknames, just like Ianto) beeps. Ianto comments that it never beeps and well, other than Jack, he’d know.

It’s a holographic message from Captain John, confessing to the killing, asking Captain Jack to meet him at his transmitting coordinates and doing a hilarious version of “Help me Obi-wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.” Besides the hilarity, this completely validates my geek lifestyle. I’ve just got confirmation that George Lucas is still quotable in the 51st century. It totally justifies my sitting in line for a combined total of 24 hours to go see the 20th anniversary re-releases.

Jack takes off in the TT-SUV, ordering the team not to follow. Yeah, like that’s ever going to work.

Thus we get the meeting of two ‘verses at the ironically named Reunion Bar: the Whoniverse and the Whedonverse through two of their most important factors.

Unfortunately, it would be impossible to explain the sheer awesomeness of the brilliantly choreographed fight between the two Captains (all done to Blur’s “Song 2” – a big pub night song when I was in university – which is also around the heyday of Buffy). It involves kissing, then punching, then Jack being dragged across the bar, glass walls being broken and ending in a standoff with each of the combatants holding a gun to the other’s head. In other words it’s like if someone put down absolutely everything they’d like to see in a fight (that didn’t end in naked Jello wrestling) and put it on screen.

Even their introductions to each other are hilarious.

Thus, the pair settles in for a drink and discusses the various rehabs that Captain John’s been in, which include: drink, drugs, sex and murder rehab. I certainly wouldn’t want to be a counselor in that last one.

I’m going to avoid the obvious Captain Jack sex rehab joke here.

Or maybe I won’t.

Plot-wise, we get some interesting exposition about the Time Agency as it’s shut down. So while Captain Jack is telling Captain John to beat it out of Cardiff (not like that) I wonder exactly how does one clock out of the Time Agency?

Meanwhile, the team is slowly making their way to the reported “bar disturbance,” bitching about their boss, but agreeing that it is more fun when he’s around. Amen.

Their arrival at the Reunion bar is announced when Captain John takes some shots at them because as a team, they’re as good at stealth as they are at being a secret organization. Captain John laughs at the idea of Captain Jack having a team, but is disappointed when there isn’t a blonde member.

He also doesn’t like the team name Torchwood, and I’m waiting for him to suggest “The Scoobies” as an alternative. As for things people won’t like, Ianto’s a bit perturbed to find out that the two Captains were “pulling rank” for five years. Poor Ianto, he understands a concept Jack could never comprehend – monogamy.

In a series of random moments, John and Jack compare the size of their wrist straps, Tosh calls John cute and we get a BS story about the love of John’s life getting shot and how there are 3 radiation cluster bombs hidden around Cardiff. I’m calling this story for what it is now, as there’s no way someone who flunked out of murder rehab is going to do anything for a dying woman. Only on Torchwood could we go from innuendo to flirting to mysterious bullshit in less than a minute.

Jack takes John into the hub via the invisible lift, and I’m starting to believe that this show is so powerful, that anything I put on this next screencap will sound dirty, regardless of the context.

Just to point out the difference between last series and this one, someone’s gone to great lengths to perfect all the little details. Ianto stands there like a butler as John places all his weapons on a silver tray. Even one of the weapons (the really tiny pistol) harks back to one of the first season Doctor Who episodes, “Bad Wolf.” It’s so small, that Jack could hide it while he was naked. I’m guessing John put his in the same place.

Out of nowhere, we get a very contentious scene. It’s contentious because it suddenly revives the whole Jack/Gwen sexual tension. To be honest, I can’t say they don’t have sexual tension, but I’m not sure it’s because of actual chemistry or because I’m convinced John Barrowman could have sexual tension with anything, people, aliens, office furniture and I’d buy it.

Jack’s arguing that she doesn’t need to know about his past as what he is at that moment is important. She’s angry he disappeared and that he won’t tell her what happened. She gets totally distracted by Jack confessing that he wanted to come “home to you” and that he’s noticed her engagement ring. Psych! I’m so believing that he’s just charming her out of asking any questions. So I’m not sure what’s more pitiful: Gwen buying his psych-out or her pitiful reason for accepting Rhys, “No one else will have me.” Jack kisses her in congratulations.

The team, plus Captain John, meet to discuss the locations of the three “radiation cluster bombs” and they split up into pairs, Gwen and Captain John, Captain Jack and Ianto and Tosh and Owen. It’s really just a scene to move the plot along, but the Firefly reference of John allowing Gwen to call him Vera, just had to be noted.

Oh yes, and Gwen, hoping to get John talking, must keep three things in mind at all times: 1) don’t believe anything he says 2) always keep him in front 3) don’t kiss him.

At the docks with Gwen and “Vera,” he tells her all about being in love with the dead woman he mentioned earlier and instead of getting his guard down, like Gwen had hoped, she lets hers down. Taking a phone call from Rhys, we find out he just got a new job and that when he says “I love you more” he’s definitely right.

The phone call distracts her, and she’s even more perturbed by John’s implications about Jack. Upon finding the canister, she steps in front of “Vera” and thus all three rules of Jack’s are broken. As for that last rule, Captain John wears paralyzing lip Gloss. What’s Vera’s last name? Reynolds?

So Gwen has two hours before her major organs shut down and she’s locked in a container on the docks. At the moment, I’m a little incensed on poor, duped Rhys’s behalf, so I’m enjoying a moment of schadenfreude.

Next we’re with Owen and Tosh who are both bemoaning the state of their love lives. The canister is quickly located by the pair, but not as fast as the pair is located by Captain John. He’s knocked out the team’s earpieces, an, for all intents and purposes, Tosh, shoots Owen and take the canister. Yes, I rushed through that whole scene, but really, the next scene, was worth the brush off of this one.

Jack and Ianto are in an office building. Ianto’s trying to keep Jack on track, but as we all know, Jack’s only got a one track mind. He’s intrigued by the strangeness of offices, office romances and photocopying inappropriate body parts. He starts suggesting that he and Ianto start "photocopying," but Ianto will have none of it. He doesn’t forgive as easily as Gwen does. I, on the other hand, am totally validated in my early comments about with what Jack has sexual tension.

Being rebuffed at his playful attempts to get Ianto’s interest, Jack tries a more serious tactic, by asking how Ianto’s doing but is rebuffed again, when Ianto answers stiffly, including the word “sir.”

Thus, Jack, for what I think is the first time since The Doctor, gets awkward and tries to ask Ianto on a date.

In fact, he does it so awkwardly that Ianto actually has to confirm that a date was what Jack was implying. He agrees but on one condition – it’s not in an office.

The pair split up and Ianto sends Jack up to the roof for two reasons. The first is to make sure he doesn’t get over-excited. The second is either a double entendre about Jack’s talents on roof tops or a subtle reference to his first series habit of standing on tall buildings – or both. It's multi-purpose snark.

More importantly, Ianto does agree to go on that date with Jack.

After a montage of searching the roof and the office, Ianto hears an elevator door opening and is surprised by Captain John. For the most part, the Captain calls Ianto “eye candy” derisively, and that’s got to be jealousy rearing its ugly head.

Captain John sends Ianto off to save the rest of Team Torchwood and then heads up to the roof, where Jack has found the last canister. John wants Jack to come back to him even though he’s disappointed with how easily he was able to trick everyone. So wait, all this was about getting Jack’s attention?

Despite the whole philosophical nature of the conversation, I can sum it up in two sentences: 1) Please come back. 2) No, I’ve changed.

Jack throws the canister off the roof, so John sends Jack to go get it – by following the same path.

Yes, I can safely say murder rehab was a definite failure.

Ianto and the TT-SUV race through Cardiff to save the team. It’s all very exciting with dramatic music, but really, it just sums up to him finding Tosh and Owen first. There are a few standard shots of driving, and then a mystery surrounding the whereabouts of Gwen. Somehow, I’m feeling pretty secure about Gwen not dying, so I’m not overly stressed.

Back at the office building, Captain John picks up the canister and says goodbye to Captain Jack, takes his wrist-assist and well, ew.

Tosh, Ianto and a remarkably well recovered from a flesh-wound Owen, search the docks for Gwen. At first they fall for the red herring Captain John left them by throwing the phone away from the storage container, but that’s soon rectified. In a scene symbolizing how much they’ve grown over the past year, they start the analysis on Gwen and Ianto is sent of anti-toxins. What’s important, not once does anyone panic and ask for Jack.

Morning has broken on Cardiff, and Captain John has broken into the Hub. Umm, yeah, where’s Myfanwy? She’d be really useful about now. Anyway, Captain John opens up the three canisters and with the being thing out of the blowfish’s pocket that the team missed earlier, he goes to set up a little pyramid thingy (technical term).

That is, until he’s stopped by Team Torchwood. Tosh, Owen, Gwen and Ianto all stand at the ready, guns cocked, thinking the same thing.

“You can beat, shoot, threaten and even poison us and we’ll just keep coming back, stronger every time,” Gwen tells him. Geez, I know it’s supposed to sound tough, but that’s also the same motto of cockroaches, so it just comes across as sort of creepy.

Gwen’s not intimidating to Captain John, but what is, is the sight of Captain Jack, not all Cirque du Soleiled out on the pavement. What’s even more interesting is that John pities Jack’s ability to live forever. That’s an interesting concept from a guy who flunked out of murder rehab.

We finally get the real story out of Captain John, that the woman, whom he killed, had an Arcardian diamond and she managed to get it through the rift before John could get his hands on it. He offers the team a 50/50 split on the profit.

The pyramid-thingy is another hologram projector in which the last laugh is had by the dead woman. It’s really an explosive device meant to latch onto the DNA of the person who killed her and then explode. Captain John has 10 minutes before he makes a hellmouth implosion look like a day at the beach.

What’s brilliant is not the dastardly plan by the dead woman, or Captain John’s panic, it’s that Ianto can tell John exactly how long he has to live. Why?

In a desperate ploy, Captain John, using a deadlock seal pair of handcuffs – and no, not obligatory handcuff joke here – attaches himself to Gwen, hoping that the team will want to save her and, by default, save him too. The rub in this plan is that Gwen would rather save the city than herself. If they’re in the rift, the explosion won’t touch the city so the entire team is heading back to the car park where this all started.

Well, except for Owen and Jack. If we needed any more proof that the team no longer needs Jack to lead them around like trained poodles, it’s that Owen prevents Jack from leaving with Gwen and Jack clearly isn’t the one in charge as various vials of blood donated by Team Torchwood are mixed together. For once, Jack has to trust Owen, without any guarantee that the plan will work.

In the TT-SUV, Captain John is spending the last few minutes of his life admiring the beauty the planet has to offer, as he makes suggestive comments towards things he sees on the street. What catches his eye the most? A poodle.

Once at the car park, Captain John struggles as Gwen drags him to the rift. Just before she goes to step into the rift, Gwen turns to Tosh and Ianto to leave a message for Jack. It’s painfully obvious what Gwen’s going to say and really crass as poor Rhys, her fiancé is totally left out in the cold. In fact, Captain John’s expression says it all.

With 30 seconds (as Ianto with his trusty stopwatch announces) to spare, Jack and Owen speed up in a little red convertible. Jack leaps over the door, rushes John, and stabs him in the chest with the needle full of Torchwood blood. At first it doesn’t work, but with five seconds left, the device falls off and as easily as one would skip a stone, Jack throws it into the rift.

Everything goes dark, but not like that as time has reverted back to the moment Captain John stepped through, therefore, it’s now night. As for what was in the syringe, it was Torchwood’s DNA, enough to confuse the disc.

The handcuffs aren’t really a problem, as Captain John was hiding the key in the lining of his throat. Umm, yeah, ew. So now all that left is for Captain John to step back through the rift. Gwen shows her gratitude at being freed.

John gives Jack back his wrist-assist (and Jack’s is bigger, of course) and tries to worm his way onto the team. Sorry, Spike, never going to happen. Before stepping into the rift, he kisses Jack goodbye and announces that he’s found Grey. The team is confused.

All we get is a quick flash of what looks like an adult hand letting go of a child’s hand. Want a scarier thought than Captain John joining the team? Captain Jack as a daddy. We already know he’s been pregnant once.

Thus the episode ends with our first Torchwood strut of the year, right towards the camera and I realize something important. Jack’s presence caused more problems than it solved in this case. The team really doesn’t need him to lead them anymore.

But it’s a lot more fun when he’s around, to paraphrase my imaginary wise Welsh boyfriend, Ianto.

And until next week, I leave you with this: