American Idol: Season Seven Omaha Auditions

Yee haw! Idol's in Omaha!

Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle Omaha with you.

Oh, my GOD. Is it Hollywood time yet? Ran here, filling in again for Employee Megan. I'm sure Omaha, Nebraska is a lovely place to visit for a day live, but holy cow. Out of 10,000 auditioning hopefuls, they only hand out nineteen golden Hollywood tickets. I can't do math, but even I can tell that translates to a miniscule amount of wheat being separated from a whole bunch of chaff. How do you like that farmy joke? Get it? Wheat? Chaff? Cornfields and farms? Someone even carved a huge "American Idol" logo into a cornfield; I guess they're pretty darn excited that the coasty folks have wandered to the heartland.

Paula's flight gets delayed, so we start the day with Simon flirting with Randy about his new purple-lensed glasses. The whole day feels a little more relaxed than the typical big-city auditions; Ryan's dressed down in a t-shirt and jeans and seems slightly less tightly wound than usual. Paula wanders in mid-morning or so, and the whole ep has a "go with the flow" feeling that I kind of enjoy; it's a nice change of pace.

My kindergartner is home sick from school today (y'all probably don't need the nitty gritty on how she puked three times in the backseat of my poor CR-V, do you?), so she's going to chime in with her comments, too. And now, without further ado:

The Good:

Jason, a 21-year-old hottie who works on a farm. Despite forgetting everything except the first line of "Nothing At All" about six times, he finally gets his shit together and gets put through on voice alone. That boy's got some work to do before Hollywood. [Ranlet: "He's doing good."]

A 23-year-old six-time arm-wrestling champion named Rachael "strong-arms" her way to Hollywood after beating both Ryan and Paula (which, truth be told, I could probably do), and winning over Simon by default when he refuses to play. She half-yodels her way through a LeeAnn Womack song and gets put through mostly because I think they're slightly afraid of her.

A shy, sweet little thing named Samantha gets a boost when Ryan and Paula change places. It doesn't look the least bit spontaneous, but it's still pretty cute as Simon tells Paula as she heads out to the interview hall, "You go be insincere for five minutes," and Ryan rebuts (as he settles into Paula's chair) with, "How do I pretend to be overpaid for not doing any work?" Heee. I do love me some Ryan Seacrest. Samantha sways in place as she sings "I Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones. Ryan takes a stab at judging her but gets the boot before he can say much. For what it's worth, he tells Samantha, he'd give her a yes. Turns out she gets four yeses, since all three judges agree that she's got something. Ryan goes back to what he does best, leaving by the wrong door (heee!).

This season's obligatory Daughtry-wannabe, David, a 24-year-old from Tulsa, rocks out Bon Jovi's "Living On A Prayer." Well, "rocks" might be a relative term, since he's wearing an argyle vest and looks like he's playing hooky from his seminary class. Still, he's got a streak of rebellious orange in his hair, and he does have a little gravel in his voice, so he's on to Hollywood. [For the record, Ranlet is unimpressed: "Not good."]

Next we get a quartet of Teen Titans who all get through: Elizabeth (19), Denise (17), Michael (19) and Angelica (17). Angelica's sad story is that she fights with her parents so much that she moved in with her grandmother. Wow, a 17-year-old who fights with her parents? Does that really stop the presses in Nebraska? Anyway, when she gets through, Ryan calls her dad on his cell phone and passes along the good news. When he asks how the dad feels, he says, "She's always been my American Idol." Awww! So I'm guessing they "fight" instead of FIGHT. Whatever; she's going to Hollywood.

My favorite auditioner of the night is also the last: Leo, a 23-year-old from a town of 200 in Iowa. He's a good-looking corn-fed lug who's cheerfully upfront about his rampant gayness: "My mom always said she raised the perfect Homecoming Queen; too bad it wasn't one of her daughters." I like you, Leo! He sings okay, but I think he gets in on personality, and the fact that Paula wants to take him home in her totebag and feed him doggie biscuits. He even gets a "Touchdown!" out of her instead of her typical meandering yes. Whether he can hold his own against stiffer competition remains to be seen, but he's certainly a shining star out of the day. Which brings me to…

The Bad:

Chris, a 25-year-old who looks about 12, who describes coming to audition on the show as a "life-alternating change," brings gifts for all the judges, and shows off his stalker photos with Kelly Clarkson. He gets all teared-up as he thanks the judges for coming all the way to Nebraska, since he hasn't had the money to travel to other audition cities. He's barely started singing when Ranlet scoffs, "I don't think so." I hear you, honey. Randy and Simon (he auditioned while Paula was still drinking her breakfast delayed) tell him his singing isn't good enough, but when he offers up his red-carpet patter for them, they tell him to call the local Fox affiliate and tell the judges want him to perform for the season finale as a reporter, and if they question him, to call the AI folks. Chris is, understandably, overjoyed, and though he may not be the next American Idol, he might make a fine Fox reporter, so even the bad has some good in it.

The rest of the bad fall into two categories: those who can't remember the lyrics and those who scream, screech, or otherwise render themselves incomprehensible. But even they have a certain good-natured quality to them, like people really are nicer when they're not hugging an ocean. Hey, I just moved to Ohio; I should know!

The Ugly:

Even the Ugly's not really ugly; it's just misguided and slightly strange. Sarah Whitaker, 25, AKA Lady Morgue when she was a professional Goth wrestler with a fake British accent, comes in and sings some chipper song like she's Julie Andrews. The judges are perplexed and elect not to put her through. [Ranlet: "Why does she do that?"]

Johnny, an 18-year-old boy in gold lame. Do I really need to go on? Oh, okay. He sings "Shout" -- badly -- with the wrong words and some truly misguided dance steps. Even Paula's loud hiccup sounds more in tune. Ranlet sums it up nicely: "No! Definitely a big no!"

Employee Megan will be back tomorrow with the Miami auditions. I plan to watch with one finger on the fast-forward button and pray for Hollywood.