Smallville: Persona (Episode 710)

Welcome back to Kent Farm, kids! Let's get to it.

It's early morning, and Bizarro!Clark and Lana are in bed. Bizarro watches with adoration as she sleeps, and when she wakes, he talks of taking her places she's only dreamed of. He suggests Paris, and Lana diplomatically does not remind him that she spent an entire summer there with an arguably hotter guy. Of course, Jason Teague turned out to be evil so that Jensen Ackles could go break hearts and slay demons on Supernatural, and we're so glad he did.

Bizarro volunteers to fly her to Paris himself, and Lana smiles indulgently, reminding him that flying is not one of his abilities. "You make me feel like I can fly," Bizarro covers smoothly. Lana gets up to open the drapes, and Bizarro flinches away from the sunlight before she can see that it fractures his face. He suggests she close the curtains and come back to bed.

Um, honey? Could you pass the SPF 3,000,000?

After the credits, we follow a nervous but determined-looking Babriel into Lionel Luthor's office. He plops a file on the desk and says he'd like to talk about paternity. Well, Babriel, when two people love each other very much, they, uh...get out the petri dish and start cooking? Lionel all but rolls his eyes, having likely escaped more false paternity suits than Casanova, but Babriel says he's only here because "Lex Luthor missed his baby brother." That gets Lionel's attention. Babriel hands him the file, explaining that even though Lex believes he's risking his life exposing his existence to Lionel, Babriel plans to take charge of his own life now, including confronting any problem Lionel might have with him. On the contrary, Lionel would rather they get to know each other.

At the ISIS Foundation, Lana pores over police reports of a string of recent murders. The victims' bodies were all drained of their trace metals, and she and Bizarro realize that Brainiac is trying to regenerate. Lana uses her computer to "triangulate" the murder scenes and come up with a "possible home base" for the murderer. I guess the Metropolis Police Department doesn't watch Numb3rs.

Bizarro finds the good professor in Suicide Slums, draining a nice rat of its minerals by stabbing it with his finger, a la the T-1000. Kind of like a vampire, y'all! Except he's thirsty for metal instead of blood! The originality is titillating.

A sucker for rodentia.

Anyhoo, Bizarro seeks Brainiac's help with the problem of the yellow sun's effect on him, before people realize that he isn't Clark. Brainiac recommends Bizarro find Dax-Ur, a Kryptonian scientist who came to earth long ago and stayed. He can be located by finding the shield-shaped beacon that Dax-Ur, like all traveling Kryptonians, came through the portal with. Bizarro is suspicious of the truth of Brainiac's claims. Brainiac: "Lying to you would be like lying to a mollusk. There's no point." Ha! Okay, it's no secret I've been dreading this character's return, but maybe he's not so bad.

At the Planet, Bizarro wants Chloe to help him find a Kryptonian that "Jor-El" told him about by looking through the newspaper's archives for a clue as to the beacon's location. Chloe protests that she's ridiculously overburdened at work as it is, but Bizarro presses the point, saying he needs to find the shield. Confused, Chloe reminds him of the shield artifact Clark already extracted from the time capsule. Bizarro, of course, has no memory of this, since it happened after the Martian Manhunter made him a guest on the sunny side of his home world; but he tries to play it off like he merely forgot where he stashed it. Weirded out by "Clark's" strange behavior and uncharacteristic memory loss, Chloe tells him she doesn't know where it is.

At Luthor mansion, Lex wants to talk to Lionel about Grant Gabriel's visit. Lionel says he found Babriel to be "insightful, courageous, direct" -- in short, Lex's opposite. Ouch. They dance around the elephant in the room for a few rounds until Lex realizes that Babriel told Lionel the whole story. Lionel calls Lex's actions "depraved," but Lex counters that Lionel should be happy for the chance to look his lost son in the eyes. Lionel: "It's you I've lost." Oh, man. Sniff.

Lex Luthor: Redefining Daddy Issues Since 1980.

Lana comes home to find Chloe looking for Clark. Chloe wants to know if Lana has noticed Clark acting differently, and Lana is happy to report that he's better than ever: he's finally opened up to her. Yes, Chloe, I would take that as a warning sign, too. Lana and Chloe play a few rounds of who knows Clark better than whom, until the man himself appears. Bizarro cheerfully breaks the news to Chloe that he and Lana plan to leave Smallville soon. Speechless, Chloe splits, and Bizarro tells Lana that he thinks Kara might have taken the shield. Lana suggests she may have moved it to the Fortress.

Bizarro arrives at the frozen house of El and pages dear old dad for assistance, but Jor-El instantly recognizes the Phantom and orders him to leave. Bizarro shakes in his boots at the prospect of being "lectured to death" -- hee -- and zooms away, promising he'll find what he's looking for. The Fortress shakes mightily, freeing the real Clark from his frozen prison as Jor-El tells him he must defeat the escaped Phantom. See what happens when you send your grown son to his room, Jor-El? Bad people do bad things.

Are you the keymaster?

Clark races home in a panic, relieved that Lana is okay. She's all, "WTF, you were only gone an hour, Fortress Boy," but Clark explains that he's been gone for weeks and that the Phantom looks exactly like him. A quick mental calculation of the number of times she's been naked with an impostor causes all the blood to drain out of Lana's face, and Clark insists on getting her out of there before the Phantom returns. Bizarro hears all of this through supersonic eavesdropping, deciding that a change of plan is in order.

He visits the Hobo Professor, picking his Brainiac (har) for a way of dispatching the "boy scout." Bizarro's new priority is getting Lana back. Brainiac volunteers to take care of Clark himself if Bizarro continues to search for the shield. He walks away, smiling slightly to himself. I'm having flashbacks to "The Yoko Factor," y'all. Say what you will about him, Marsters does joyful deceit with great aplomb.

Fun With Insecurity 101: A New Course by Yoko Ono and James Marsters.

At Luthorcorp, Lionel gazes intently at himself in the mirror. A harsh, metallic bit of score plays. Aha! Hello, professor. Clark bursts in, hoping that Lionel, as Jor-El's emissary, will have an idea to defeat Bizarro. "Lionel" suggests blue kryptonite. Because it robs Clark of his powers, it will have the opposite effect on Bizarro -- but in such an exponential way that his body will be unable to contain it. "Lionel" tells Clark to find Dax-Ur, who likely has a stash of blue kryptonite, by activating the beacon shield he found in the time capsule.

Clark visits Chloe at the Planet, explaining that the Phantom has been impersonating him, and that he can't seem to find the shield that will help him defeat it. Chloe backs away, unsure this is really Clark, since the shield is what Bizarro!Clark was after, too. Clark steps into the sunlight to prove it's really him, and Chloe embraces him in relief. She produces the shield wrapped in cloth, having "borrowed" it from the farm to prevent Bizarro from getting it. That's my girl! Clark takes the shield and says Dax-Ur's name. Clark disappears in a flash of light, and elsewhere, Brainiac is alerted to the shield's activation.

Clark appears at a mechanic's shop in the middle of Nowhere, Arizona, to find a middle-aged man working on an old truck. It's Marc McClure, AKA Jimmy Olsen 1.0. I know the stunt casting is cheesy, but man, every time they bring in somebody associated with the greater Superman universe, I grin like an idiot. Clark asks about Dax-Ur, and when the man claims not to know who that is, Clark identifies himself as Kal-El. Dax-Ur smiles.

As they start to swap tales, a little boy runs in, telling his "daddy" that they're having sandwiches for lunch. Dax-Ur's wife appears and tells Dax-Ur that they'll wait for him to finish with his customer. Clark notes that Dax-Ur lives like a human. A little sadly, Dax-Ur reveals a bracelet with a large chunk of blue kryptonite as the centerpiece. He says he came to earth to clear his conscience after his work on Krypton led to the creation of the Brain Interactive Construct. When he realized that the yellow sun gave him powers, he knew he had the ability to save the human race -- but he gave that up for his wife. Clark asks if he has any more blue kryptonite, and Dax-Ur smiles adorably, saying it's not everyday a fellow Kryptonian asks him for help. Aww.

I...have nothing funny to say. Look how proud he is! He's just a cutie. *pets Jimmy 1.0*

Bizarro finds Lana at Oliver's loft -- I swear that place gets more action without Green Arrow on the show -- and warns her that "the Phantom" and Brainiac are now working together. As they embrace, Lana sees Bizarro's reflection in a window, fracturing in the sunlight. She pretends to go fetch her bag before they can leave.

Elsewhere, Clark places a large chunk of blue kryptonite in a lead box, and superspeeds off.

Back at the loft, Bizarro catches Lana texting Clark for help, and realizes the gig is up. He explains that when he first came to Smallville, he only cared about himself; but that changed when he met her. Just then, Clark arrives and tries to attack Bizarro with the blue kryptonite, but Bizarro easily tosses powerless Clark into a large glass panel featuring the Queen coat of arms. Man, Ollie's gonna be pissed, y'all.

Lana retrieves the fallen blue rock, and Clark urges her to run, but she says she'll destroy Bizarro herself. Bizarro reminds her of how happy she has been with him. He accuses Clark of not loving her like he does; they all know that Clark will never commit his life to Lana like Bizarro will. To Clark's panicked surprise, Lana agrees, but after a moment of indecision, she quickly places the kryptonite in Bizarro's hand. Immediately he begins to overload, fracturing everywhere, blue light blazing out of him. He manages to tell Lana tenderly that he loves her, before blasting into a million pieces.

Next stop: Tron.

Back in Arizona, Brainiac visits his creator at the garage. He grabs Dax-Ur before he can remove his bracelet, insisting that he needs the information in Dax-Ur's head to repair himself. Unfortunately for Dax-Ur, merely refusing to tell him doesn't do the trick; Brainiac stabs him in the head with his T-1000 fingers of steel and milks the data himself. Bye, Jimmy 1.0. You are still as adorable as you were in 1978.

All your brains are belong to us.

At the Planet, Lex visits Babriel in his office and fires him immediately for confiding in their father. Babriel wonders if Lex might be jealous that Lionel actually wants to get to know him, that Babriel might become the son Lex never was. Lex counters that he's afraid Lionel will have Babriel killed, and that Babriel is an ungrateful SOB for flouting his wishes. Babriel calls Lex on being a lonely, pathetic person who's been married several times (ouch) and needed to manufacture someone to be his companion. Babriel, however, is anxious to start enjoying the benefits of being a Luthor -- after all, he was "made for this family." Zing.

Later, Babriel and Lionel leave a high-end restaurant, having enjoyed a steak dinner and good conversation. Their happy banter is interrupted by an armed man who demands their money. Babriel steps in front on Lionel and hands over his wallet, but the thug shoots him anyway -- repeatedly. Babriel hits the ground as Lionel shouts "Julian!" over and over. The thug walks away and texts Lex that the job is done. At Luthor mansion, Lex walks out onto his balcony and screams in agony into the rain.

WHY, CRUEL WORLD? WHY DO YOU MAKE ME GROW MY OWN BROTHER AND THEN TAKE HIM AWAY? ...Oh.

Dammit. Well, I did love me some Grant Gabriel, y'all. That smile, for one. I suppose he's served his purpose in the greater scheme of things, though, and his arc was finished. Plus, they needed to get rid of him to make room for a certain guest star returning next week. I'll give you a hint: Robin Hood didn't look nearly as good in green leather.

Clark and Lana play out the outro, standing around in their bedroom, not speaking. He gazes out at the rain, and she tries to apologize with her eyes, and finally they get into bed, not touching, staring up at the ceiling. It is, as they say...

...awkward.

Next week: apart from the aforementioned guest star of glee, we're introducing Black Canary! And here I was just thinking to myself that no one seems to wear fishnet stockings anymore.

screencaps courtesy SVFan