Survivor: The Sounds of Jungle Love (Episode 1602)

Mary, we hardly knew ye

More like "The Sounds of Jungle Ewwwwww," if you ask me. Can you imagine eating fish and drinking brackish water for four days, without ever brushing your teeth, and then somebody sticks their tongue in your mouth? *shudder* My Ever-Patient Mister assures me that when you're out camping like that, if you're both dirty, you can't smell anything. Hothouse flower that I am, I've never tested that theory. I had to cover my eyes when Amanda and Ozzy started sucking face right there on the night-vision camera. All I could think was, "Lord, I hope they got all the clam bits out of their teeth."

It's Day Four, and the poor Fans have yet to make fire (despite having flint!) or build a shelter (despite having a residential contractor on their team!). So they've had no water, no food, and no sleep. The three "older" people (all in their 40s, so who the hell you calling OLD, kiddos?), who want to build a shelter, are annoyed at the "younger" people, who have monopolized the machete to try -- without success -- to start a fire. There's a sharp schism between the old and young, which results in a 7-3 split along age lines. Joel says that Crazy Kathy, Tracy, and Chet (the "homosexual") haven't been productive. Crazy Kathy whines that it feels like she's reliving high school, and she doesn't like being ostracized. The old folks decide to toddle down the beach on their walkers, and, despite being arthritic, deaf, and blind, build their own shelter under Tracy's professional tutelage. The young'uns think that something that keeps the rain off actually sounds like a good idea, so they come over and get Tracy to help them build a shelter for them, too. Two shelters, one tribe. After they've got the shelters built, they use the machete once again to try to get a fire started, with their flint dwindling by the minute. Mike (I just refuse to call him "Mikey B") and Alexis (who I like more by the minute) finally catch a spark and fan some flames into a real fire.

Speaking sparks and fanning flames, Mike and Mary have quite the little flirtation going on. Well…Mike and Mary's hot pink bikini have something going on, anyway. Mary herself is still something of a non-entity and seems to let her tits do most of the talking. The flirtation is duly noted by the other tribe members; there's even discussion about across tribe-within-a-tribe lines. Like toddlers, once the young people get fed and watered, their mood abruptly brightens and they seem to be getting along better, but Joel calls it, "My tribe," and says he still considers the old people "outsiders." Oh, Joel. Don't piss me off; I really liked you so far!

Meanwhile, over at the Favorites' camp, things are going along swimmingly! On the way back from Tribal Council, Ozzy caught a fish. In the dark. With his bare hands. No wonder Amanda wants to mate with him! That boy's got skills! The next day, Yau-man tends a simmering pot of something while Ozzy plays dolphin and gets some clammish thing that's big enough to feed the whole tribe. The Faves are well-fed, well-rested, hydrated -- it's like summer camp out there! The Hookups are still hooking up, leading to major "ewwwww" from me and the other Favorites. I can't tell whether James and Parvati have any actual chemistry going on, or whether it's just easier for both of them to fall into flirtation as their natural state and ended up falling on each other. They both agree that the other's really cute, but beyond that? I'm not getting much from them.

As Amanda and Ozzy get busy right there on the mat beside their teammates, including a snoring and oblivious Yau-man, Cirie retreats from Porn Central to have a fireside chat with Jonathan, and right then and there pledges her allegiance to his "Core Four," making it a "Core Five," which doesn't have nearly the same ring to it. None of the lovebirds seem to have taken a single minute to wonder if an alliance of four is enough to keep their asses in the game. It's a simple game of numbers, and Jonathan seems to have won the first round.

What with all the fire-non-starting and shelter-non-building for the Fans, and the tonsil-swabbing for the Favorites, there's once again only time for one challenge: a combination Reward/Immunity Challenge, with the winner getting:  1) fishing gear and a bamboo fishing boat; 2) immunity; and 3) the chance to send someone from the losing team to Exile Island. Oh, and Jeff tells us there will be a twist that he'll explain after the challenge. The challenge consists of: Five tribe members running across some square "lily pads" to a platform, which they'll then climb. Taking a hammer, they'll jump out over the water and break a ceramic tile, releasing a key that they will then have to dive to find. They'll return to the beach and give the key to a "key master," who will use all five keys to open locks on a chest that will reveal a bag full of puzzle pieces. The remaining three tribe members will then solve the puzzle -- a map of Micronesia -- and the first team to solve the puzzle wins. Since the Fans have one extra player, they sit out Crazy Kathy. Of course. They wouldn't want to sit out Chet, who couldn't swim his way out of a bathtub; no, they have to rub in just how very much they don't like Crazy Kathy. I think I'd like the fans more if they didn't act like they were in kindergarten. Actually, that besmirches the kindergartners I know, who at least try to get along. Anyway, moving on: Ozzy slithers his way to a big lead over Jason, then Ami and Alexis go, then Amanda and Chet. Amanda's looking really hot, by the way -- no wonder Ozzy wants to suck her fish-breath face. Chet can barely get into the water, let alone up the platform, and when it's time to dive down to get the key, he fails completely. Rather than just come back to shore, he dog paddles in the water for what feels like four hours before, I shit you not, back-stroking his way into shore. Oh, Chet. That's just. Not good, buddy. Not good. Meanwhile, Parvati and "Penner" (as Jeff calls him) are going for the Favorites, and by the time Mike and Erik have gone for the Fans, and Jason goes back in for a second time to retrieve Chet's key, James has wrestled open the locks, and Eliza, Cirie, and Yau-man have finished the puzzle. Favorites win a biggie! Given what Ozzy can do with his bare hands, God only knows what kind of trophy fish he'll bring home with fishing gear and a boat.

Even the Favorites aren't feeling any love for Crazy Kathy -- she's who they pick to go to Exile Island. Why they would send the only person from the other tribe who already has one immunity idol to a place where she could get another is beyond me. The twist? They're sending two people to Exile Island this go-round. Um, doesn't that sort of take the exile out of Exile Island? Isn't that more like "Girls Night Out"? Cirie sort of offers to take this one for the team, so she and Crazy Kathy head out. Crazy Kathy is a big fan of Cirie, and Cirie is nice to her, which must be a nice change for Crazy Kathy. They work well together and spend the remaining hours of daylight finding not just the first clue to the hidden immunity idol, but the second, third, and fourth clues as well. It's hard work, and they're worn out, but even worse, even after finding all the clues and traipsing across the channel umpteen times, they still don't find the idol, which the last clue says is, "over your head and under a rock." Or at least we don't see them find the idol, so for now I'm going to assume they didn't find it. They'd better not send Yau-man out there -- he could probably find that sucker in four minutes flat.

Back at the Fans' camp, there's lots of chit-chat about who to send home at Tribal Council. Mike apparently brought along a calculus book and abacus to keep track of the voting permutations he suggests, which tries to account for every statistical probability related to Crazy Kathy having the original immunity idol, the possibility of having the hidden one, and her tight alliance with the other "outsiders." They plan that the boys will vote for Chet, the girls for Tracy, and then their bases should be covered in the event of a rebound vote. But then Joel comes along and gets all Alpha Male, probably because he heard Mike use the term "my tribe" and he thinks if it's anyone's tribe, it's Joel's tribe. Rather than vote out Mike, who Joel thinks they will need for upcoming challenges, he wants the tribe to vote out Mary and both her mammaries, thereby breaking up Mike's nascent alliance. He makes his move with Jason and Alexis, and then gets Tracy and Chet on board, too. It's a pretty good plan; I'll give him that. It also takes the heat off of who? Joel! The big, strong, brawny, leader type! I'm reluctantly impressed.

At Tribal Council, Jeff treats Chet like shit, saying he "blew it," and that Chet's own explanation for how it went down was a charitable spin to put on it. Chet may suck, but Jeff sucks more. The whole two-shelter thing comes out, and Tracy admits, "It looks bad it's three against seven." Yeah? You think? Joel says pithily, "It's a game of loyalty and it's a game of deception." Can't argue that! During the vote, Mike votes for Chet, saying, "You blew it with your body, your brains, and your heart, and that's just not acceptable to be on a team of mine." Wow, we've really got a couple of Alpha Males this time, don't we? I expect to see Joel and Mike peeing on the shelters when they get back to camp, marking their territory.

When the votes are read, Chet gets two (from Mike and Jason), Tracy gets two (from Joel and Mary), and Mary gets the rest, including all three "older" folks, who end up doing Joel's dirty work for him, leaving him able to say to Mike, "Hey, don't look at me; I voted for Tracy." Pretty smart, and pretty effective. Even Jeff looks impressed. As Mary's torch is snuffed, he says, "Congratulations. First tribal council, first blind-side." I think Joel's a force to be reckoned with; watch out, Mike!