Rock of Love 2 - "Once A Cowgirl" (Episode 206)

Did anyone see the "ROL" skit on Saturday's "SNL"? Tina Fey made a very convincing Daisy, I must say - and the girl who played Peyton kept yelling "face time!", so if you see that come up in this recap, that's what it's from. So, anyway, another day dawns on the skankery and Bret makes the rounds waking the ladies up. Peyton is worried that 2 ladies are heading home on this episode, and she's got a pretty good chance at being one of them ('cause she hasn't gotten any "face time!") Big John assembles the gals in the living room for their note from Bret. Peyton reads it - it's time for the gals to appeal to Bret's inner "country boy." Catherine is psyched about the challenge because she's been around horses all her life, she's barrel raced since she was a kid, blah, blah, blah. Didn't she say she was really good with motorcycles and lost that challenge? Well, I guess positivity is a good thing! The gals put on their cowboy boots and meet Bret at the challenge site. Bret says there's still a "lot of country in this long (artificially) haired rocker boy." Sure there is - he's just keeping his name out there if they decide to do another season of "Nashville Star."

Bret promises the ladies that this week's challenge will be as painful as last week's mud bowl, but says the only way to stick around is to win challenges and dates. Catherine notes that she and Jessica still haven't had a date - and if she loses this challenge, she's going home. Bret has a special guest to help him with this week's challenge. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and give a big, cackle-y laugh for Crazy Grandma! Yep, Rodeo is back. The gals are going to be split into 2 teams for "Rodeo's Rockin' Relay" and the team that emerges victorious gets a group date with Bret, and the team MVP gets the coveted solo date. The race is made up of 3 events - riding and roping, barrel racing and grabbing bandanas off of greased pigs. Bret announces "We have greased hogs!" and I'm sure that's not the first time he's ever said that. Bret allows the ladies to choose the 2 team captains. Of course, Catherine steps up to the plate and soccer mom Ambre volunteers to be the other captain. They have a heated rock, paper, scissors match to determine who goes first and Catherine gets first choice. She takes Inna. The picking commences. Megan is not getting picked (she says it's because the other girls are jealous and laments that it's tough living life as such a hot chick. Have I mentioned how much I hate her?) and Bret allows her to choose her team. She goes with Catherine, because of her horse experience. So the red team, led by Ambre is made up of she, Destiney, Jessica and Kristy Joe and the blue team is Catherine, Peyton, Inna, Daisy and Megan. The red team divvies up the responsibilities and since Ambre's knees are still shot from last weeks football game, Jessica and Destiney volunteer to be the pig grabbers. Kristy Joe is taking on the lasso. Catherine thinks she has a "dream team" and is confident that her team will "destroy" the red team.

Kristy Joe and Peyton are off, Kristy Joe ropes her steer first and Peyton soon follows - but the horses, possibly realizing they're on "Rock of Love" attempt to make a break for it. Too bad for them, they're retrieved and Ambre and Catherine mount them for the second leg of the relay. Ambre is trying to "make the noise that makes the horse move", which in her mind is a quiet, kissing sound. Her horse does move, miraculously and crosses Catherine's path. Catherine decides to be polite and not spook the other horse and goes around Ambre, putting her at a slight disadvantage - bad move, girlfriend. It's neck and neck going into the pig grab. Bret was having way too much fun watching the girls leap and fall in their attempts to grab the bandanas off the pigs (I would have paid any of the ladies big bucks to rip the one off Bret's head!) It all coomes down to Inna and Jessica. Catherine is upset that Inna's not moving fast enough, she's "stalking" her pig. Jessica pulls out the victory for the red team. Catherine and Peyton are devastated. The red team gets ribbons and Bret rules Jessica the MVP. As they leave, Bret assures us that no greased pigs were hurt in the challenge. Thanks for that, Bret.

The gals return home, and Catherine felt like "dead skank walking." Ambre, who's bandaging up her knees in preparation for her big date (I know that sounds bad, but I'm leaving it just the way it is!) and asks Kristy Joe if Catherine is mad at someone because she lost the challenge. Kristy Joe just said she was "hurting." Catherine is still incredulous that she lost the thing. She would be ok with going home if she knew Bret didn't like her, but to leave just because she's 0-4 in challenges sucks. The other gals try to cheer her up, but she's not having it. She's so upset that she can't even smoke a cigarette.

Bret meets up with Destiney, Kristy Joe and Ambre for their date. Destiney is less than thrilled to be going out with Kristy Joe because she "hates" her (I still don't see why VH-1 decided to make her the bad guy - she's really not evil.) The gang go to a restaurant called Opaque, where the dining is done in complete darkness (only in LA!) The owner of the place welcomes them and has the visually-impaired host seat them (the waiter is also blind, which is probably best for him, so he doesn't have to see the grossness that it Bret on a group date!) The host leads them to their table. Kristy Joe vows to have fun on this date.

Bret was hoping for a sensual experience, and he sure got one! Kristy Joe was all over him, as Ambre babbled on to Destiney about nothing. Bret attempted to chime in, but he was obviously distracted. Ambre hears a lot of "rustling" and then Bret announces that Kristy Joe was grabbing his nipples. Apparently, KJ likes it rough, and her grabbing of Bret turned into a "kick box battle." It was a turn-on at the start, but Bret soon grew tired of the abuse. The host came into the room and asked the ladies if they'd like to switch seats, and Ambre and Destiney did, leaving Ambre on one side of Bret and KJ on the other. Destiney thought KJ was being a "selfish hooker." KJ decides she had to go tinkle and Destiney goes with her (furthering the myth that we ladies always go to the restroom in pairs. It simple isn't true!) leaving Ambre with some alone time with Bret, which she uses to her full advantage, making out like crazy. Ambre hoped she was kissing Bret. The other ladies return and Bret says the evening was great because it allowed them to use their other senses, such as the "sense of taste, sense of smell, sense of knowing when to block a punch, that's all important in the dark."

The gang gets back to the house and Bret senses the ladies who remained behind felt a bit ignored, so he opts to spend some private time with Kristy Joe. He still can't figure her out. Inna was miffed that Bret took KJ into his room. Bret doesn't think KJ's "emotionally available" and his heart and head are battling over whether to keep her or not. He thinks she still has feelings for her second husband. KJ feels like she's in limbo with him. She thought her kissing and grabbing in the dark was enough to show Bret that she cared about him. Bret said he knew KJ was "emotionally unstable" but said he loved "the crazy girls" and KJ's turning him on. Bret invited KJ to snuggle up with him and watch a movie. She asked to lock the door and Bret consented. Meanwhile, Daisy waits for her time to talk to Bret and gives up sometime before 4:21 am, which is when Kristy Joe emerged from Bret's room. She said she's starting to feel a connection (drink) with Bret and she's scared.

The next morning, Catherine decides to make her own damn date and makes breakfast for Bret, so they can share a little AM bedroom time. She thinks this is her only shot (it would be more effective if she spit out her gum before heading to Bret's room.) Megan says Bret should just put Catherine out of her misery already, she's "like and old horse you have to shoot or something." Catherine had a hard time getting into Bret's room and rousing him from his sleep (which he does in his bandana) - he actually "recognizes" her voice, sure he does. Bret said that he didn't mind that Catherine broke the rules set by Big John in the first episode - namely the coming uninvited to his room, and enjoyed breakfast and conversation with Catherine. He had to make it quick and sent her on her way, but at least she feels better. Jessica is getting ready for her big date and is worried there might not be a connection (drink) between she and Bret. The pair head out to a paintball park. Jessica claims to "love" paintball and she and Bret have a little target practice. Bret claims to have problems with his gun, which Jessica seems to fix by shoving her tongue in his ear. As Bret would say, "Hi-yo!" They then don camo and head to the playing field, where they face Big John, an experienced military sniper for a match. The goal is for them to shoot 3 targets without getting nailed by Big John. Jessica said "there's nothing like making out in a field with paint guns and sweat." Maybe it's best that we haven't heard much from her this season. Jessica took out 2 targets and Bret ran out of bullets, getting done in by Big John. Jessica saves the day and gets the last target. The two then dine on the side of a mountain as the sun sets. Jessica says Bret makes her feel safe. Bret wants to make sure that "safe" means "sexy." It does, and her sweet and innocent act is quickly melting away. Back at the house, Daisy and Megan set up lawn chairs in front of Bret's room, so they know he'll see then before he goes to bed. Bret and Jessica return and Bret's surprised to see the bimbos at his door. Daisy's worried that her last date was "a million years ago" (otherwise known as last week) and she's afraid she may be forgotten at elimination time.

Bret assembles the gals for the big cut. Jessica gets the first pass. Bret then gives a pass to a girl who was an amazing kisser in the dark, and Kristy Joe perked up - but Bret gave the pass to Ambre. Gotcha! He also asks Ambre if it was actually her he was kissing. Wakka wakka! KJ can't belive she hasn't gotten a pass yet. Daisy, Megan (ack) and Destiney also get a pass (Bret calls her a "super-hot rock chick", which Peyton thought was directed at her. Gotcha again!) Bret finally gives Kristy Joe her pass, angering Inna to no end. It's down to Inna, Peyton and Catherine. Gee, I wonder who's going home? No big shocker, Inna, Bret's "Ukranian love tank" gets the last pass. Too bad Peyton wasted all of that body glitter. Is anyone surprised that she got the boot? Considering Bret (and "SNL" Bret) had no attraction to her. Bret said he eliminated her because he was afraid it would ruin their friendship (because I'm sure they now hang out all the time!) I feel bad for Catherine, she really tried hard, and, if she fixed those damn bangs, she'd be quite a catch. Next week, the ladies entertain the troops. God help us all!