big brother 9: Tuesday 2/26

If there's anyone out there still watching this mess, here's the haps - Matt/Natalie the Disgusting Slut and Alex/Amanda are on the block. A&A are supposedly serving as the pawns, an idea that Amanda was very much against because she dislikes seafood so much. Besides that, though, well... no one's really doing anything. A minor orgy happened on Sunday night, and apparently, Natalie the Disgusting Slut has the ability to projectile lactate all over her fellow housemates. She can't possibly get more classy, can she? I really, really, REALLY hope there aren't any ping-pong balls hidden away in the house anywhere. I'm not sure I could deal with that. You see, America? This is what happens when you put a bunch of twentysomething dumbasses in a house together without any of their abusive fathers around to whip their asses twice a day.

To kick things off, Alex consoles his partner Amanda about their being nominated for eviction by telling her to not 'jump around near me'. To think that just last week, he was stalking her around the house like Jamie Gumm in a suit made out of her skin. He is SUCH a jerk. Matt shows off his obnoxious accent a little more by saying how much he hates James for double-crossing him and putting him on the block. 'The kid with the pink hair must go down,' he says. He certainly does do that, Matt. Just you wait. Up in the HOH room, James and Chelsia calm their nerves about going back on their word by sharing a tube of rash cream and snuggling. Awwww.

Alex is brooding on the couch outside, and when Amanda comes out to talk, I swear it sounds like he says 'you need to give me time so that I don't lay a shot at you in front of all these people.' Maybe I heard wrong, maybe his accent made 'Gee, Amanda, I'm sorry I'm such a dick' sound like something completely different, but if not, let me say it again - Alex, you're a jerk. Go back to whatever reform school movie set in 1950s Brooklyn you escaped from, tough guy. He goes on to say that it must be because of Amanda that the two of them are looking at eviction this week, because nothing was said about him at the nomination ceremony. Gosh, I don't know about that, Alex. Seems to me that anyone who spent five minutes with your pathetic ass would have more than a firm grasp on what a total douchebag you are.  

Matt, Amanda, and Sheila are making with the strategery together, and Sheila comes to the conclusion that Allison has really played her in the house so far. Speaking of Allison, she and Natalie the Disgusting Slut are having a cleaning products fight in the living room. Stand a little closer together, girls. Aim for the eyes. Afterwards, Matt and Alex call out James on the patio for putting them up together. James pulls the 'it's a game' card, which it is, but that doesn't stop them from pulling more of their tough-guy crap to make him feel bad about it.

Throwdown! Allison and Sheila start having it out. Allison denies everything that Sheila throws at her, including accusations that Allison has dumped their 'friendship' now that she's off the block and safe for the week. I start to nod off, so if there was anything in this conversation that mattered or made any sense, I missed it. Sorry.

Teams for the veto competition are chosen, and dumb-ass Adam is hosting. Whatever. Alex and Matt talk about the comp in the storage room while trading obnoxious accents, and hey! James appears out of nowhere. They start muscling him again, but James shrugs it off. Alex makes some nasty comment about it, but James really doesn't show any fear or remorse. Good for him. I'm sure that both Alex and Matt will die in some mirror-related accident by weeks' end, anyway, so I'm not sure why they're so pissed in the first place. The girls in this house have nothing on these two preening queens.

The veto competition begins, and the gist of it is some sort of 'Jericho'-related CBS circle jerk involving peanuts and hardhats. I refuse to watch anything with Skeet Ulrich in it at all simply out of principle, so what this challenge has to do with that show is beyond me. Adam reveals that the winner of this comp will not only win the veto, but also the chance to get some information from outside the house. Finally, something interesting this season! The comp gets underway, and it involves connecting cables hidden in the peanuts or someting. Ew, someone just called their partner 'honey'. Gross. In the end, Joshuah and Sharon win, and needless to say, no one except them is very happy about it. Well, maybe James. And Chelsia. And everyone who hates either Alex, Amanda, Matt, or Natalie the Disgusting Slut. That is, everyone. I guess I was wrong - everyone's happy with Joshuah and Sharon winning. Hurray!

Okay, here's where it gets interesting/sad - as part of the competition that involves contact with the outside world, it is revealed to the hamsters that John McCain is the Republican frontrunner in the presidential election. When she hears this, Amanda goes NUTS and starts jumping up and down. Nothing makes me weep more for the future than a Republican under the age of 30. However, she also jumps up and down when it's revealed that Barack Obama leads Hillary Clinton on the Democratic side, and she jumps highest of all when she finds out that Britney Spears lost access to her two children. James sums it up best by saying, 'I never figured Amanda to be a Republican, but then again, I never figured her to be much of anything.' Well put. Joshuah shows his Token Gay side by admitting how closely he followed the Britney Spears debacle before he entered the house. The last bit of news they get is something about the Hudson River Virus, and after a quick Google search, I find that it's got something to do with the show 'Jericho'. Um... ok. I'll love it if one of these dimbulbs thinks it's a real virus and starts freaking out, or better yet, starts acting like they've actually contracted this fictitious virus themselves and begins to freak out even more. Uh, that's not a virus, kiddies. That's gonorrhea.

James notices that the four colors the teams are wearing are the same colors that the puzzle thing in the hamster cage is made up of. Could this mean something? Man, I hope so. We could use a little excitement around here.

Sheila's still bitching about how cold she thinks Allison has been to her. Honey, look - it's not just her who doesn't like ya, dig? She yaps to Natalie the Disgusting Slut about it, but all she gets out of her is the sound of the wind whistling through her ears. Vapidity, thy name is Natalie, and you are a Disgusting Slut. She goes on and on and on and on and on (and ON) about it to nearly everyone in the house, and she goes on to prove how much more street smart she is than Allison by telling Matt that she lived in Newark. My condolences. Maybe I have been a little hard on Sheila. No mere mortal should have to suffer like that.

Much gossip and bitching ensues, and all Sheila really gets for her trouble is everyone thinking she's even more nuts than they already did. Allison finally gets sick of it and goes to face off with her personally. Sheila's delusions have never been more apparent. She starts going on and on about Allison's education when it has absolutely nothing to do with the conversation at all. Ryan and Adam jump in, and an indecipherable yelling match breaks out. Way to keep it on a personal level, Sheila. Well done. I'm sure Newark will be happy to have you back someday.

No time for that now, though, because all hell starts to break loose. Allison's running laps around the backyard while bitching about Sheila to Sharon, and from nowhere, she makes a beeline to the Diary Room where she tells BB about how she thinks she's having an allergic reaction to something and her throat is closing. Um... wha? She also says that her tongue is swelling up, and you can actually HEAR her voice changing because of it. Madness! Not only that, but at virtually the same time, Amanda is in the kitchen bitching about how she could really use some sugar being that she's hypoglycemic. She heads to the Diary Room, too, and just before she gets there, WHAM! She hits the deck like a fish on a hook. Wanna know the best part? When the rest of the houseguests run in to help, they open the Diary Room door, and there sits Allison swelling up like a balloon with whatever allergic reaction she's having. Nurses run in, (is this the first time we've seen a non-celebrity real person in the BB house?) everyone starts freaking out, and dammit, FINALLY THIS SHOW GETS INTERESTING!

HUDSON RIVER VIRUS! HUDSON RIVER VIRUS! IT'S HERE! PRAISE JESUS, IT'S ACTUALLY HERE!

Amanda is wigging OUT, shaking like a leaf in some sort of hypoglycemic shock. James and the nurse are holding her up and trying to get whatever sugary goodness they can down her throat. A team of paramedics run in, and they put Amanda in a neck brace and wheel her into a waiting ambulance. Holy crap! Where's Allison? Choking on her own tongue? Ah, she's fine. She's a trooper. Amanda's situation was more camera-ready, anyway. Amanda starts crying and says 'I just need some sugar,' so Matt runs over and starts putting the moves on her. A paramedic backhands him and puts him through a wall. Hurray! Los Angeles' finest to the rescue!

After Amanda and Allison leave, (I guess they got her out, too) everyone stands around looking somber while piano music plays. Sheila starts bitching about Allison again. No, not really. She wanted to, though. I know she did. No such luck Amanda out of the house, though, because before long, she shambles back in through a side door looking like she'd been in a knife fight in the back of the ambulance. Everyone's all gushy goodness over Amanda, but it only goes on for a few minutes when Allison comes back in, too. Sheila jumps on her and starts pulling her hair. No, not really. She wanted to, though. I know she did.

Allison and Amanda share a moment together later, and Sheila jumps in to apologize. Wait, what did she just say? Sheila's got a child? Oh man.

Veto meeting now, and because I've spent entirely too much time on this recap already, I'll be brief - the reason Alex is such a jerk is because he's got a Rutgers shirt on. Oh, and no one uses the veto, and the nominations stay the same.

From as far outside the house as I have to be to stay out of the hospital, I'm littlebigmouth. Goodnight.