Previously - Courtney Cox got cut by a bitch. Her photographer Don went on the meds and is slowly losing his delusions. The little girl from "Growing Pains" is all growed up and putting cigarettes out on the rug. So somehow I've returned to this Titanic of a show. Seriously, it's because of Courtney's magnetic hair. It's so long and lush and silky. I can't stop looking at it. They should just show a series of episodes of her conditioning her hair, and combing it and letting fall in slow-mo through flattering lighting. Courtney and her staff are watching footage of her undercover lover Holt dress a pap down for asking question about the loopy actress who stabbed Court. See, he was her boyfriend. And sleeping with Courtney. Ain't that a kick in the head? The actor who plays Holt looks like he needs a glucose drip, but I like how he casually takes that self-righteous pose that real life actors do about how bad the photogs are. Bitch, without photogs, you would be working down at the Duane Reid! Tom Arnold! Tom Arnold will be taking the role of Alec Baldwin this episode. There's some sassy woman on Courtney's team that is full of facts and slightly Star Jones-esque. I could love her or hate her. We'll see. The staff listens to a tape of Tom Arnold chewing out his kid, ala Alec calling his daughter "a selfish pig" awhile back. TV will never be as good as real life. Ever. Tom Arnold knocks it out of the park. He's basically saying everything he ever wanted to say to Roseanne. Courtney's face listening cracks me up, you know she looked the same way when her, David Arquette and Jennifer Aniston gathered 'round to hear Alec's piece on Extra. It's like Xmas for the Dirt staff as everyone's phones go off at the same time. People are hooked up with newsfeeds or friends who are shut-ins with cable! Socialite Milan Carlton (For real? Really?) is busted driving up the off-ramp drunk. She claims her parents paid for that off-ramp. Hopefully this show will take what actually happened and really go with it, and Pari...er, Milan will find herself on the wrong end of the mop.
Courtney lays out her mag on the big, expensive light wall. Some doeish writer with a sweater is writing about the cupcake house. Is this a plotline because the humor isn't reaching me. Courtney wants everyone to figure out how Milan's Dad is going to spring her from the clink. Are we not going to get any footage of her crying in the back of a police car? If you're going to do it, do it right!
Milan talks with ex-crazy photo slave Don and tells her to put cream on her stab wound. Their friendship is so touching I could vomit. Some guy in an alien costume asks Don for a cigarette. Don thinks it's a hallucination at first, but then realizes it's a dude in a suit. Whose buttocks, I must say, are being aided greatly by his spandex suit. He works at the restaurant across the street. What kind of effed up things was this dude seeing?
Courtney and the incredibly blase blonde reporter talk about Tom Arnold. It turns out the ex-wife leaked the tape. Please please please have an agoraphobic Kim Basinger character. Why is Courtney moving furniture if bitch just got skewered in the gut? Tabloid editors have to be smarter than this. There's a big crowd at Milan's jail scene. Don leans away from a signpost with his foot hooked on it. I like Don. He's wacky. He and Courtney kibbitz about getting Milan's photo. He's going to try some kind of rooftop deal. The daily life of a tabloid can not be this boring. I literally just looked over at my apartment wall and thought about paint color for five seconds in the middle of this. Not a good sign.
I know I missed the first season, but is Courtney's office in a bank vault? That's hot. I'd like to make a withdrawal. Courtney grills the jailkeeper about Milan's special benefits in prison, like a personal chef. This is pretty realistic because I'm pretty sure they let a tiny Asian woman in to do Paris' nails when she was doing her bid. Courtney's new tall emo reporter lets her in on the fact that Milan Carlton's parents have contributed money to every political figure in Los Angeles. Emo reporter's hair is so soft and fluffy. Dirt needs an Emmy for Best Hair. They have that, right? Well, at the gay Emmys. Courtney bets Emo Reporter 10K that Milan won't spend the night in jail.
They have video games in their break room. I hope they have Centipede. Courtney's call got Milan moved to a regular cell. And Don gets the photo. To a hip Bravery-sounding soundtrack! This show is funny because on medical shows when they pull something off it's a triumph for life. On this mess, it's a triumph for soulless people.
Can they please stop painting Gene Simmons as a sex symbol? The brother looks like the back end of the hell truck. Dirt is combining Alec Baldwin with the Hoff. Tom Arnold is crawling around the floor trying to eat pasta. This ex-wife is awesome, and Tom Arnold will do anything for a check. The ex-wife is claiming she's innocent. Ewwww, the blond piece of coffee cake is posing as a student trying to talk to Tom Arnold's daughter. I'm appalled and so are the students who recognize her right away. I would, too. She looks like a porn actress in a theme project. The daughter's friend is obviously taking the bar exam next week because she's defending her friend like a pro. And referring to Blond Reporter as "30". It's highly creepy if reporters actually pull this mess off. It's also highly creepy that this trick had a Catholic school girl outfit in her dresser drawer. Well, probably not creepy for the straight guys. They eat that shit up with a pervy spoon!
Blond reporter convinced Tom Arnold's daughter to spill it. Daughter tells her that the Mom didn't leak the tape and they had their entire staff fired. Come to think of it, the daughter might be 30 herself. Daughter's friend also confirms that the daughter never meant for the pasta video to get out. Courtney wins her $100 as Milan demurely exits prison in pretty much the same outfit Paris had on when she did her nun walk for the cameras. Courtney scores points with me for referring to Milan as" Betty Blowjob". Emo Reporter is going to go after the queen who styled Milan in jail. Blond Reporter rolls up still looking pornish. She might have a lead.
Courtney calls Holt. She asks about his words outside the club. He says it wasn't a PR move. This romance does nothing for me. Don's here, acting creepy. Don knows she was taking to Holt. I actually like Don. Milan is wearing Mother Theresa's colors. On purpose? Milan calls Courtney herself. She's wearing a Swarovski crystal-encrusted house arrest anklet. How did this bitch get that made so fast? Did she have Jacob the Jeweler make em' for her if house arrest just suddenly came up? Milan wants Courtney to interview her in person. I'd go. I'd want to see the house.
Milan's house is big. Like cathedral big. I think that's tacky. How do you walk through it when you're just in your jammies, scratching your ass. Milan offers her "fuzzy" water. Oh lord. Milan claims everything she has, she earned. On her back, most likely. She's wearing a sequined top. This show doesn't have a hand without a ham in it. Milan's boyfriend is kinda hot and drinking beer in the pool. He looks like Dane Cook but hot. In a greasy stove kind of way. Milan spills that she's pregnant but Courtney doesn't think that's a reason to get out of jail. Courtney needs to be interviewing Nicole Richie next. Ohmygod, it's the guy who played the male half of Glory on Buffy! He's working again! He looks better here. All he needed was a few beers, and less mystic hermaphrodite shit. Milan gives her the interview already typed up. Oh, and she's claiming morning sickness as the reason she can't be in jail. I tried to claim that to get out of work, once. They didn't buy it. When I brought the baby in later, they were sorry!
Courtney gets holier than thou on Milan, and starts lecturing her about what a trashbag she is. What? Milan insists that she's a brand. Well, she's got a point. Paris, Jessica, and Nicole Richie must feel so redeemed right now. Blond Reporter shows Emo Reporter a video that proves the daughter edited the film to show Tom Arnold off as a drunk ass. The daughter apparently pitched her own reality show. Give the best friend a show instead, like Judge Judy but with cooler outfits. The daughter got her TV deal, and will now be helping teens deal with problem parents. Good for her. Hopefully it involved shotguns.
Courtney's assistant is adorable. Milan's interview is on the TV. And she's turned to God. We get a really long shot of Courtney thinking about Milan and also showing us how bad the editing is on this second rate crap show. Courtney meets with Tom Arnold and he backs her up. Tom Arnold's all I haven't been a great Dad. Is Tom drunk right now? He's all about the daughter having her show. And he wants Courtney to leave the daughter alone. So Courtney tells him to find out who Milan's PR person is. It's all connected in Hollywood! Betty White can get the name of Lindsay Lohan's gyno like that!
Don goes to photograph Milan's crisis PR person posing as an exterminator. He lets rats loose. And steals some footage off a camera. He wants the rat to talk to him. I don't. I'd crash through a window. They watch footage of the PR guy telling Milan what to say in her interview. Ok, the Buffy guy boyfriend just lost his hot. Right in front of my eyes. It must be the dog collar. When PR guy suggests Milan thank god, she says "Screw God!" Just like the real Mother Theresa. Courtney and Don watch the video like it's the Area 51 footage.
Don doesn't want to go to jail. He wants Courtney to back him up. I like Don's Penguin jacket. Am I falling in love with him. Don tells Courtney that she hates Milan because she's a spoiled rich person and the part of ourselves that we loathe. Well said, Don. Now stop being so serious, and show us your cakes again like last episode. It turns out that Holt was on the video, too. Don didn't watch and leaves it up to her. C'mon Vampire, you know you want it! I love these scenes where Courtney puts on her black kimono and faces the darkness in her soul. Spare me. She watches Holt's tape. It turns out that all Holt's lines at the club that night were fed to him. Except, Holt didn't take them and blew PR guy off. Yeah, he's friggin' Capt. America.
Don's at home talking to his pussy. Milan's leaving on a charitable mission to the Far East. The satire is so rich, it's like mousse! Tom Arnold's daughter got her show, and he guested. Blond Reporter and Emo Reporter are starting a love story like no other. It turns out he has a girlfriend. And Blond Reporter tells his ass off. Don calls Courtney and wakes her up. Milan Carlton is on TV, topless and being arrested for drugs in a country where the possession of cocaine is punishable by death. Oh, you can scoop the satire up with a spoon! Everyone at Dirt is convinced she'll be put to death but she gets publicly whipped instead. Can the producers get that as well? Oh my god. THIS IS SO BAD.
Next - Don gets domme'd! Dommed? Domm'ed?
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