Torchwood: Something Borrowed (Episode 209)

Jack: What is it with you? Ever since Owen died all you do is agree with him!
Ianto: I was brought up never to speak ill of the dead even if they still do most of their talking for themselves.

After last week’s Zombie!Owen fest and having to say goodbye to the painfully underused Martha, this week we have something to celebrate, Gwen and Rhys’s wedding! Get out the confetti and prepare a toast as we’re getting everything from evil parasitic ovum to wedding fairies! All of this without even one drop to drink!

Come to think of it, you may need that drink too.

We begin with a flashback to the rekindling of the Jack/Gwen sexual tension. Please, I didn’t need any reminders thanks. I know she still fancies Jack and vice versa. The problem is that I like Rhys too much now to be nothing but offended on his behalf.

We actually begin at Gwen’s hen night. It’s everything I hate about hen nights. It involves tacky hats, strippers, demeaning jokes about the size of certain things and getting shit-faced the night before the wedding. Personally, I’m of the belief that if all you want to do the day before you get married is look at another person naked, while downing more alcohol than a Tequila worm, perhaps marriage isn’t really the best idea.

Gwen’s late for her own party as she spent the evening running around Cardiff after a shape-shifting people eater. I think it would be far more hilarious if it was a one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater, but I can’t always have my way. Plus, neither can Gwen as the night before her wedding, she gets bitten on the arm by the alien, just before being saved by Jack. Well, thank heavens Photoshop can remove the bandages in her wedding photos, even if it can’t remove the sexual tension between Gwen and her boss.

I just have to add that she’s being guided in the search for the alien by Zombie!Owen. Hey, that’s so not fair! He dies and he gets Tosh’s job?

Oh yeah, and I should add that when the alien bleeds, he bleeds black blood (say that 10 times fast). Well, it’s a good thing the blood is black as most of the other good colours have been taken up by Star Trek aliens.

There’s one slight problem. Gwen wakes up the next morning and at the sight of her dress, is giddy about her wedding. She’s also got another surprise; she’s heavily pregnant.

Tecno-title credits: No Freema Agyeman. Boo.

Gwen has some serious difficulty accepting that on the day she’s meant to walk down the aisle, she’s carrying quite the belly. It doesn’t help that both Zombie!Owen and Jack make light of it. (Now is not the time for bad Darwin jokes, Jack!) At one point, Jack even rolls his eyes at her frustration. Dude, just because you claim to have been through it before doesn’t mean you get to dismiss everyone else’s experience.

She’s not actually carrying a baby, but rather an egg. I just have to say, I hope she doesn’t have to lay that egg considering the size. While she’s not typically pregnant, she is behaving stereotypically, at least, for a television character.

Despite all of the initial levity from Zombie!Owen and Jack, they are utterly serious when they say they want Gwen to postpone her wedding. It’s a reasonable request given the circumstances but Gwen doesn’t care. She’s getting married today no matter what happens because if she doesn’t this episode wouldn’t have a plot it would hurt Rhys. Somehow, I think having to lie to his family and friends about some miracle pregnancy, instead of claiming a “serious work accident” would hurt more. He even gets the bonus double entendre of “accident” meaning that he isn’t lying. It’s just a little equivocation. Except that this is a television pregnancy, which means all decisions must be based on hormones, not reason.

In the middle of an utterly preposterous scene, we get one little gem of atheism. For those of you who were wondering, this is the same way we got Christianity. Yup, Jesus Christ was an alien.

Rhys is woken from a drunken slumber by Gwen’s panicky phone call. He stayed the night with his best friend, “Banana Boat.” Now, this is the friend we’ve been hearing about since the beginning of the series but now that I’ve seen him, I really want to know something.

I’ve got to give Rhys credit. Considering he’s rather hung over, he knows that something’s happened with Torchwood.

In the Hub, everyone gets assigned an important duty. Tosh is sent to keep an eye on Gwen. Zombie!Owen is sent to autopsy the alien. Ianto has the most important job of all. He has to find Gwen a new wedding dress.

I just have to say that the moments that are the funniest thus far, aren’t when Gwen goes out of her head. It’s the quiet moments like the gasp when she realizes she’s pregnant, or the way she tells Rhys.

As for Ianto’s important job, the shop assistant doesn’t think he’s shopping for someone else. Therefore, I issue a challenge:

Rhys is much more cognizant of the ramifications of Gwen suddenly appearing with child and suggests postponing the wedding. Also, he’s more concerned about her well-being than the financial cost. Considering all he’s put up with due to her job, he would’ve earned the title of “St Rhys, patron saint of long-suffering boyfriends” if this show was even remotely religious.

Of course, because this episode wouldn’t have a plot of Gwen’s hormonal emotional plea, he agrees to go ahead with the wedding.

In the now obligatory make-Tosh-look-foolish-for-Zombie!Owen scene, she convinces him to come to the wedding. He’s mellowing in his death. Considering he once claimed he tortured people in happy relationships, he’s now giving Tosh dreams of her own happiness and he’s attending Gwen's wedding.

Although, what does it say about Tosh that her biggest romantic aim in life is a zombie? Seriously, she’s an intelligent, beautiful woman. She can totally do better and has done better.

Gwen’s parents, I have to say, are the most diplomatic people in the Whoniverse. They’re shocked at the pregnancy but just accept what their daughter is telling them. They don’t fuss and are gentle when they tell her that the least she could’ve done was phone Swansea, as “It’s not another planet.” Oh, her parents are even unintentionally hilarious, even better.

As Gwen’s signs in for the wedding, her parents are aghast that not one of Rhys’s mates said anything. Well, I’m finding it a little hard to believe, no matter how independent Gwen is, that her mother didn’t once come down from Swansea (as it’s not another planet) to help with something. Okay, I have an easier time accepting Zombie!Owen than I do families not interfering in wedding plans, particularly when we meet Rhys’ stereotypical mother-in-law of a mother.

Of course, now Gwen realizes that her emotional decision to continue on with the wedding is a bad idea. Their parents will be devastated if they claim to have lost the baby. Well, too late now, princess.

Just as she’s coming to her senses, Rhys loses his. When Jack calls, Rhys takes the phone and tells Gwen’s boss not to be anywhere near the wedding. She’s carrying an alien Jesus, how the heck could he not be there?

Although, I don’t feel badly for Jack when Rhys hangs up on him. It’s not because I don’t think Rhys’s actions are petty. It’s because I know how Jack and Gwen have been making googly eyes at each other behind his back. Rhys deserves better and Jack should make out more with Ianto to appease my inner-fangirly need to squee.

Downstairs, the drunken bridesmaids from the hen night and the DJ, Mervyn, have arrived. Banana Boat offers to help Mervyn with his things, and I’m still waiting for someone to call Banana Boat by his real name. I might as well give up on it and start assuming some parents named their innocent baby boy after a Harry Belafonte song.

Banana Boat gets mesmerized by Tosh and tries to introduce himself, expecting she’d know who “Banana” was. She responds with a crack about bananas having spots, getting soft and making her vomit. Ouch. I love Tosh when she’s snarky.

As for Mervyn, he fancies himself a chance with the hottest chick in the room. The second she slightly leads him on, I know she’s the alien. One symbolic moral lesson about why not to be a dog (unless you’re Captain Jack) coming up!

What follows is what I think was originally conceived to be a bit of a bonding moment between Gwen and Tosh, but turns into a slightly uncomfortable and slightly more realistic scene where Tosh sees Gwen with everything she doesn’t have. No matter what false platitudes Gwen can dish out, Tosh’s situation doesn’t look like it’s going to change soon.

At the Hub, Ianto’s giving us a bit of flirting and back-story all at the same time about how his father was a master tailor who could measure an inseam by watching the walk. While it explains why Ianto was so good and sizing up Gwen, it also gives Ianto a chance to flirt with his boss. Just as it looks like it’s about to lead somewhere we have the worst of all possible events.

At the wedding preparations, the alien woman is trying to entice Mervyn into “a bite.” Mervyn, who just stabbed the alien with a corsage, thinks he’s about to get lucky, whereas Tosh realizes what’s going on when she sees the alien bled black blood.

Just as the bridesmaids (who have names but are Tweedledum and Tweedledummer to me) discover Gwen’s condition, Mervyn becomes lunch. I’m going to be delicate here and not mention the specific place upon which she was munching. Unfortunately, Tosh is too busy attacking Banana Boat for flirting with her to save Mervyn in time and the Nostrovite traps both Tosh and Banana Boat.

Now what exactly is a Nostrovite? Well, lucky for us we cut back to the Hub where Jack and Zombie!Owen explain them to us. A Nostrovite mates for life and it’s the male that carries around the fertilized eggs until he can bite a host. The female then rips the host open to get at the eggs. So Gwen has an angry widow with serious maternal instincts after her.

And just at that very moment, Mama Nostrovite finds Gwen. Although, there is a little bit of time as baby isn’t quite ready to be born.

Ianto’s driving the TT-SUV.

Jack and Zombie!Owen hotly debate both Zombie!Owen coming on the mission and whether or not he should use the singularity scalpel. Since pre-zombified Owen only managed to blow things up and had one lucky shot with Martha, Jack’s concerns are valid. He only gives up when Ianto sides with Owen, giving me the quote with which I started this recap. The whine in Jack’s voice made my best friend and I pause this episode for about five minutes before we stopped laughing.

Tweedledum and Tweedledummer totally bought that Gwen has been “camouflage dressing” throughout her pregnancy. These women have to be the stupidest bridesmaids ever so I see why Gwen picked them.

In a moment when I wonder if stupidity is catching, Gwen confesses all to her father. Oh Gwen, when are you going to realize that confessing only makes you feel better? It just makes those around you, particularly when you talk about being impregnated by an alien and the Rift, think you need to take a trip to the funny farm.

As for Rhys, he proves himself ever the worthy boyfriend when he shoots down his father’s implication that perhaps the wedding is cursed. He loves Gwen and his marrying her, even if his best man, Banana Boat, has disappeared, or is trapped in a Nostrovite web with Tosh.

Of course, now the most implausible wedding ceremony ever, must take place because otherwise this episode wouldn’t have a plot Gwen was so insistent about it. Gwen’s father walks his “duckling” up the aisle, while the female Nostrovite and Rhys look on. The female Nostrovite looks like she can’t wait to tear Gwen to pieces. Rhys, on the other hand, looks so bloody pleased, I can’t help but think he’s too good for Gwen.

Jack’s complaining about how long it takes to get to the venue, but really, I just think he’s still pouting about Ianto siding with Zombie!Owen. Who knew Captain Jack had a seriously petulant side?

Apparently Ianto does, as he snaps at Jack about how the couple has the right to make everything perfect. Zombie!Owen snarkily reminds them that no matter how perfect the venue, the bride being torn to bits at the altar, tends to spoil the mood.

Yet again, Rhys gets the short end of the stick, as soon as the justice asks about anyone who may object, Jack comes running up the aisle. If only he were swinging crosses at the guests, it might possibly rival the best wedding interruption in fictional history.

For a split second, I think Gwen looks mildly hopeful and I’m so pissed at her that I momentarily cheer for the Nostrovite.

Then I remember it would really hurt Rhys. I have to say, that Rhys’ mother, for all her snide comments about Gwen, isn’t entirely wrong in suspecting that her son’s choice of bride isn’t fully committed to him.

Well, now the wedding is on pause, as we flip over to Ianto and Zombie!Owen, who rescue Tosh and Banana Boat what I believe to be moments before Banana loses the important one in his bunch.

As Jack explains Nostrovite birthing rituals Tweedledum and Tweedledummer discuss how the wedding’s done, now that a hotter candidate’s come along. Interestingly enough, Tweedledummer also noticed Gwen’s fleeting look of hope, making me think I really should call her Tweedlenotsodum but that’s hard to type.

Now we’re back to the irrational insistence on the wedding proceeding because otherwise there would be no plot to this episode Gwen doesn’t want Torchwood to mess up any other parts of her life. Well if it’s such a problem, go take some retcon and shut the hell up. When she even goes on about how, with all the crap she’s put him through, Rhys is the only one who would ever marry her, I’m even more annoyed. Talk about making your groom feel like you’re marrying him because you don’t have any other options.

Before Rhys finally gets his say on the matter, Tweedledummer screams upon finding the corpse of Mervyn. Now Ianto’s got to go retcon the bridesmaid, but at least Tosh can tell everyone what the shape shifter looks like.

Down in the hall, Rhys’s mother is complaining about an “American, with no sense of timing or fashion.”

Suddenly, Tweedledummer screams about Mervyn’s murder leaving Ianto to mutter about how the situation is not completely uncontained. Now Torchwood’s got to prevent anyone from calling in or out of the building. Now they can’t even call anyone and there are strange beings trying to kill people at the wedding. Well, this sounds like another Whoniverse wedding I saw a few years ago. The advice, “don’t touch the baby,” ironically, would be equally as valid this time, considering what Gwen is carrying.

Gwen finally sees reason and starts following Jack’s orders, as he’s not suffering from irrational television pregnancy hormones and making stupid decisions giving this episode a plot. With Gwen ensconced upstairs, Tosh and Jack head down to the hall, and take several shots at the Nostrovite (while confirming to Mr. Cooper that his daughter isn’t entirely insane). Jack is shocked at how quickly the Nostrovite could get away while I’m shocked at how fast Tosh can run in those high heels.

Gwen’s not the least bit impressed with Zombie!Owen’s idea to use the singularity scalpel but the disappointments just keep mounting for the as Rhys’ mother turns up at the door. Except, Tosh tells Zombie!Owen that Rhys’ mother is still outside so now we’ve got to figure out which one is the monster. Hold on, let me rephrase that. Now we’ve got to figure out which on is Rhys’s mother.

Now, as for the one Jack calls an “ugly bitch” while (along with the rest of the team) pointing a gun at her head? Yeah, that one really is Rhys’s mother. Gwen insists she recognizes the scent of her bad perfume perfume. While it’s totally embarrassing for Jack, we get not one but two comic moments in this scene. The first is when Jack snarks at Brenda’s insistence that she’s not an alien, “Yeah, and the Lone Ranger didn’t have a thing with Tonto.” By the way, I’d like to point out that I actually tried to find a fanfic to prove it, but I couldn’t find any, thus potentially disproving rule 34.

As for the other comic moment, it also contains a great deal of satisfaction for me because Rhys finally punches Jack. No matter how awesome Jack is, he’s earned half a dozen punches from Rhys about now.

In the midst of all the flaring tempers comes a voice of reason, Tosh, reminding everyone that if Rhys’s mother is upstairs, the one outside must be the Nostrovite. Of course, who does the Nostrovite take as a hostage? Gwen’s mother.

To save her mother, Gwen offers up herself, only to shoot the Nostrovite once Gwen’s mother is safe. The bride hid the gun in her bouquet and shot the spitting image of her mother-in-law. It’s fictional wish-fulfillment of many of my friends who got married.

Now that everyone knows about Torchwood, it makes wherever they are just like the rest of Cardiff, no matter how many times they insist they’re a “secret organization.” Since they don’t have to worry about secrecy, everyone can focus on killing the Nostrovite and getting the egg out of Gwen.

Thus, we have a dilemma. Zombie!Owen, in a hissy fit the week before, broke his finger, and isn’t certain that he can accurately use the singularity scalpel and hands it over to Rhys. If he’d handed it over to anyone else, I might be worried but this is Rhys. He may not always wear pants, but he isn’t going to let Gwen die.

While Rhys is getting a crash course on the singularity scalpel, John Barrowman is pulling out all the stops on the overacting scale. Even I know it’s the Nostrovite in disguise but Gwen is so hopeful that Jack’s really come to confess his undying love for her she’s almost gutted before she headbutts him and is rescued by Rhys and Zombie!Owen.

Zombie!Owen pumps Nostrovite!Jack full of lead, but the alien doesn’t die. It also doesn’t eat him as it doesn’t have a taste for zombies. When it runs off and the real Jack runs in, a decision is made. They need a bigger gun.

Rhys and Gwen run and hide, I shit you not, in a disused stable, complete with hay. Yet, Mary and Joseph, they aren’t and it certainly isn’t the angel Gabriel trying to beat their way in.

After a missed try with the singularity scalpel, Rhys manages to blow away the Nostrovite egg. Never mind the singularity scalpel removing the egg, it performs a greater miracle; it removes all signs Gwen was pregnant. Her body just bounced back into shape. Knowing Gwen, she’s probably even lucky enough to avoid stretch marks. In gratitude, she tells Rhys how much she loves him and they kiss.

Finally, the Nostrovite breaks in, disguised at Rhys’s mother. In response, Rhys threatens her with a chainsaw, yelling about everything the Nostrovite has done to ruin his day. He fully intends on reenacting some great horror movie scenes, that is, until the chainsaw cuts out. Oops.

Again, here is Rhys coming up short in Gwen’s eyes, as it’s Jack, with his bigger gun, that blows the Nostrovite to bits.

In an interesting bit of symbolism, Jack picks Gwen up off the hay pile, and puts her down in front of Rhys, linking the couple’s hands. It’s almost as if he’s saying, “I could pick her up when I want to, but I know you’ll be better for her.”

Now we get for the actual wedding that isn’t going to be interrupted by Jack, or Nostrovites, or touching a baby. Nope, this one goes through as smoothly as possible. Gwen could even wear her original wedding dress as her clearly rubberized body is back in tip top form. In fact, all the guests seem rather calm about the whole thing. Tweedledum and Tweedledummer are sitting quietly. The mothers look placid. I’m wondering how that’s possible after everything. Last time I checked, people have to sleep after taking retcon, yet it’s still the same day. In fact, there are only two major clues that anything happened.

The reception isn’t looking very lively, which means my fictional Welsh boyfriend has one failing; he’s not a good DJ, since he’s filling in for the digested Mervyn.

Zombie!Owen makes Tosh’s year by asking her to dance and Jack does what I think is possibly number 2 on the “things never to do at a wedding list:” cut in on the bride and groom dancing (number one is wear white if you’re not the bride. 3 is make a drunken toast). If he’d cut in to dance with Rhys, I would laugh and all would be well, but no, he has to have a chat with Gwen about the three things he’ll do while Gwen’s on her honeymoon.

At least Jack recognizes what a good husband Rhys will be as the Captain lists the groom’s good qualities: loyal, brave, a hell of a swing and he loves her. Well, I’m glad somebody realizes what a catch she’s got.

In my favourite moment of this whole reception, Ianto cuts in to slow dance with Jack. My inner fangirl turns into a big pile of mushy goo.

It turns out my fictional Welsh boyfriend is still perfect. It’s not his DJ-ing skills that are keeping the dancers off the floor; it’s the level 6 retcon. Apparently, it’s extra effective when mixed with champagne. The bride and groom decline being retconned themselves; they want an honest start to their marriage or at least, as honest a start as possible when the bride is still pining for her boss.

Gwen and Rhys make their goodbyes and head off on their honeymoon but the rest of the team has to mop up. “By day, chasing the scum of the universe,” says my fictional Welsh boyfriend. “Come midnight, you’re the wedding fairy.”

In the wee small hours of the morning, Jack is in the Hub, looking at pictures. One of them we saw before in “Small Worlds” but another one features a wedding from even father back. It’s of Jack’s wedding.