Torchwood: Fragments (Episode 212)

I don't exist and for a man with my charisma, that's quite an achievement.

Well, we had to know one was coming. In the penultimate episode of series two, we get the “how they joined Torchwood” backstory. On that premise alone, I’m already happy as it can’t be another Gwen-based storyline as we’ve been there and done that. Plus, there have been rumours flying around for months of Ianto in jeans. I’m a simple girl and it doesn’t take much to make me happy.

Now, we’ve got to set up the premise that allows the stories to be told. Let’s go with the simplest idea; mortal peril always works whether it is for drama or science fiction. So what is the mortal peril for Torchwood? The team’s been called out to an abandoned building because of some strange alien life readings. Oh, Team Torchwood, haven’t we had this discussion about going after things when you don’t know what the energy signature means? Did you learn nothing over the last two series?

I guess when it comes to good sense, or driving the TT-SUV and doing the Torchwood strut, the driving and looking sexy always wins.

Ianto’s calling Gwen, who is somewhere. Do you care where? No? Didn’t think so. She’s probably off stealing Rhys’s toast or crumpet or some other carbohydrate breakfast food, but all that matters is that she isn’t there.

Ianto and Zombie!Owen are sent one way while Tosh stays with Jack. IWhy did they take Zombie!Owen out of the Hub? I mean, I know it’s for the plot, but since he’s so fragile, you’d think they’d only let him out if he had more padding than a goalie.

I’m grateful when they get inside as everything up until now has been hand-held and it was starting to get a little too Blair Witch Project for me. The readings say there’s an alien on both floors, at the opposite end of the building. These creatures are also remarkably quiet and require the team to split up. I’m naming these creatures for what they are: the Traps from planet Ambush in the Obvious Clue galaxy.

“Maybe they’re sleeping,” says Zombie!Owen.

“Or hatching,” suggests my fictional Welsh boyfriend.

“Or maybe they aren’t creatures at all,” Tosh realizes.

“Just explosive devices,” Jack comments.

“Snap,” and Zombie!Owen outsnarks them all.

Techno-Title.

Well, Gwen hasn’t gotten to the stealing food from Rhys part of the morning as she isn’t even conscious. There’s only one thing I can think when we get a pan of the room.

Okay, so maybe I thought a few things while Gwen finally wakes up and checks her messages. I like how there were only enough bombs in the building for Team Torchwood without Gwen. I guess Gwen didn’t warrant her own bomb, depending on your definition of bomb.

Back at the blown-out-building (or BOB) for short) the camera pans in on Captain Jack, and then fades to black with overlay of “1392 deaths earlier.” Hold on, that’s how many times Captain Jack has died. Since we know he arrived, as a “fact,” in 1869 Cardiff, that’s an average of about 10 deaths per year. That’s some awfully crappy luck. Of course, I’m going to guestimate that this is the 1890’s (insert your own gay 90’s joke) so that’s an average of about 12 deaths per year.

As for this death, he’s been stabbed in the gut by a wine bottle. By the way, if you ever need a good laugh, go back and watch his facial expressions as he pulls the bottle out of him, frame by frame. His face runs the gamut from disgustedly hilarious to humourously constipated. Bless John Barrowman and his theatre-training expressions.

He’s being watched by two women, one dressed in more traditional wear, the other pulling a George Sand. In what I think is a familiar tactic, Captain Jack tries to distract them by offering them “a shilling a feel.” Well, I can’t think of many people that wouldn’t work on.

Okay, so it doesn’t work on these two, and, despite all the sexual innuendo he can throw at them, they beat him up and drug him.

He wakes up in the Hub after having a bucket of water thrown on him and damn, John Barrowman does wet well.

So, in an experiment I think later recreated at Gitmo, Captain Jack is electrocuted and shot. The two ladies (and Jack) are frustrated he’s not dead yet and blow my previous math out the window, since he’s died 14 times in the last six months. Also, we finally get an explanation about Torchwood’s inability to keep themselves secret, as Jack’s been telling anyone that would listen to him that the Doctor will fix him. Nice FAIL on subtlety there, Jack.

I perk up at the description of what Jack’s been telling everyone he’s going to do to the Doctor. “First, I’m going to kiss him; then I’m going to kill him.” Okay, now I’m miffed that all I got in “Utopia” was a hug between the two of them. I’m feeling rather ripped off of what I’m sure would make excellent desktop wallpaper.

The women reveal themselves as Torchwood and boldly pronounce how they’ll protect everyone from the “threat” that is the Doctor. Jack laughs.

I realize that Torchwood, the little spin-off that could, is now comfortable enough in itself to be able to talk about the Doctor and his Torchwood connection in depth. I guess the Doctor really isn’t a threat to Torchwood anymore.

Jack is given a choice; he stays locked up or works for Torchwood. Of course, I'm thinking the ladies are enjoying torturing Jack far too much and I think they're hoping he'll pick being locked up but he does not. He takes a “missing person’s assignment.” Now, what exactly is it he’s looking for?

This blowfish shares a lot with the other one: he also goes joyriding, but instead of a sports car, he stole a horse and buggy. He’s also played by the Whoniverse resident alien, Paul Kasey. No wonder Jack blew out the blowfish’s brain at the beginning of this series.

When the blowfish demands to know who Jack is the captain replies, “I’m Torchwood.” He gets a taste of exactly what that means when he wants the blowfish to be sent back to his home planet, but instead watches the alien get shot in the head. It must be something about the big red blowfish head that people often mistake it for the centre of a target.

Okay, so I keep thinking the ladies of Torchwood are psychopaths, but really, shooting someone they don’t understand because they are a perceived threat to the Empire was pretty much the definition of “British Foreign Policy” during the Victorian era.

Hoping this job was a one time only deal, Jack is given an ultimatum. He continues working for them or is deemed a threat. He walks out because, well, what are they going to do since Chippy’s (her name is really Alice) favourite solution of shooting him in the head isn’t exactly an option?

As Jack leaves, Chippy comments on how pretty he is, but he is not as pretty as Emily, her boss. Hold on, so besides moral ambiguity sleeping with the boss is also a requirement for Torchwood? Where do I apply as I hear there might be openings soon?

That night, Jack tries to drown his sorrows but is distracted by the deus ex machine we met in “Dead Man Walking.” Okay, I’m calling her Machina from now on, as I’m guessing she’ll appear again, considering we need an explanation to her origins and why she still looks like she’s 12. Right now, I’m waffling between her really name being Claudia or Cassandra.

Machina tells him “the century will turn twice” before the Doctor will turn up. At first, Jack laugh at her, but then realizes he needs a way to pass the time, and working for Torchwood keeps him from getting too bored, plus, they don’t care with whom you sleep, like other morality clauses at other business.

Thus we get a montage of Jack’s adventures with Torchwood. Time passes, as symbolized by their various methods of recording equipment and his updated picture. This of course, makes me wonder that if Jack’s been with Torchwood since the 1890’s, why wouldn’t he have known about what was going on with Tommy? Although, this is Torchwood and continuity never does get in the way of a good story.

Fast forward to 1999, where Jack arrives to find an all too realistic reenactment of the War of the Worlds panic, Y2K style. He jokes about the “Millennium bug” having 18 legs and being poisonous, but the “party like it’s 1999” joke never gets completed as his boss, Alex, has executed everyone in the Hub. I guess he doesn’t believe the whole “21st century is when everything changes, and Torchwood is ready” as he justifies killing them all because they aren’t ready. He claims what he did was out of mercy, and then hands Torchwood 3 over to Jack as a gift, because he’s earned it and he can’t be killed. You know, as bosses go, he’s shit at the end of year bonus as death and body clean up doesn’t exactly do anything for the company’s morale.

With that, Alex kills himself, Suzie-style, except through the temple instead of the chin, giving us an artistic image of Jack, splattered in the blood of his co-worker.

This is totally not funny, so I’m moving on.

Back in the present, Gwen and Rhys (in pants) dig jack out of the rubble. Well, at least Rhys knowing all about Torchwood means he’s willing to help, but now Gwen’s going to have to explain the whole come back from the dead thing Jack has going on.

Jack’s not as grateful for Rhys’s help, but Jack can shove it. There’s no way Gwen can lift the rubble by herself, even if it is obviously made out of Styrofoam.

While we hear screaming of Jack being dug out of the rubble, or calling for the team, I can’t really tell, the camera focuses on Tosh, who is buried under much more rubble than Jack. It makes me wonder why there’s all this rubble yet the building’s still standing. We’re either looking at the greatest architectural feat ever, or there was just extra bits of concrete lying around before the explosion.

As Tosh screams, we fade to black, and are told it’s now five years earlier. She’s working in some top secret facility, called Lodmoor that is covered with surveillance and has a very odd dress code.

Once her boss leaves, she grabs a key she has hidden under her drawer organizer. She breaks into his office, steals a code and goes rushing to another part of the facility, careful to keep out of the way of the cameras and other security. You see, this is what happens when one doesn’t appreciate brilliant people, they turn to the dark side. Okay, so that analogy doesn’t play for a minute. Tosh isn’t one for the dark side, no matter what her penchant for zombies. Instead, it’s clear she’s terrified of something.

She steals some plans out of what I swear look like shopping bags.

Promptly shoves the plans under her shirt, and makes a clean getaway home. There’s a sweet moment when at least one person, the elderly guard, Josh, notices her and jokes about taking her away from it all, that is if his grandchildren don’t get upset. He looks worried and even disappointed as she leaves, like he knows something. It’s at this moment I know, for all of Tosh’s brilliance, she’s just been set up.

At home, Tosh builds something that looks suspiciously like a simplified human version of a sonic screwdriver.

She takes it to some hideaway in the middle of the night and we finally get a reason for all the subterfuge. Whoever these people are, they’ve kidnapped Tosh’s mom. Yet like all extortion attempt, it doesn’t end with one “sonic modulator.” They want more and either Tosh delivers, or they keep her mother and torture her with the modulator all sonic-ed up.

Interestingly enough, Tosh’s mom is dressed in the same outfit in which she appeared to her daughter in “End of Days” and the sonic modulator causes her to bleed. Methinks that Tosh won’t be seeing her mother ever again after this moment.

Although, here I am thinking that Tosh’s mom is going to die, but the whole party is broken up by UNIT.

Oh UNIT, what would Lethbridge-Stewart have to say about your running a Gitmo-type prison? Okay, probably not much, but he would probably have suggested shooting Tosh instead of imprisoning her. So there’s poor Tosh, a victim of her own brilliance, stuck indefinitely in as a person without rights. They won’t even tell her if her mother is all right.

After a montage of emotionally distraught Tosh, her saviour arrives, in the form of Captain Jack Harkness. Although, the UNIT computerized voice tells her it’s an “inspection.” Considering she’s in a concrete cell with no bed, no toilet and a window too high to reach, what exactly could they inspect? What could she possible be hiding? I mean, she’s not Captain Jack where he keeps guns in some pretty strange places.

He explains that Tosh’s mother is fine, and doesn’t even remember the kidnapping, thanks to Retcon. She tries to figure out who he is and he gives the answer with which I started this recap.

In a very strange moment, Jack does to Tosh what was done to him. He tells her that either she can remain imprisoned forever in the UNIT facility or she comes to work for Torchwood for 5 years. Her technical brilliance is practically unrivalled, since the original plans for the Sonic Screwdriver wannabe were flawed and she instinctually fixed them. He makes it sound like she will finally get what she wants, someone to think she’s special. This whole scene explains her part of the communion with drugs from “Adam” but there’s a really dark undertone. No matter how Captain Jack pretties up the offer, let’s call it what it is: indentured servitude. It’s just as immoral as keeping someone locked up without any rights, even if it is Torchwood making the offer.

We do finally get Jack’s vision of what he wants Torchwood to be. He wants to “protect people” even if it means indenturing a few people in order to do it. Plus, considering she got into this mess trying to protect her mother, he’ll only let her send postcards, but always prevent her from going to family celebrations.

Back in the now, Rhys and Gwen can’t unbury Tosh (who has a broken arm), and they’ve got to wait for Jack to find Ianto and Owen before anything can be done. Rhys offers to stay with Tosh as Gwen goes to help Jack and in a sweet moment, Rhys suddenly comes to the realization that it could’ve been Gwen, for all her frustrating traits, the love of his life, buried under all that Styrofoam painted to look like concrete.

So whose story is next? Why, it’s Ianto! His hands are bloody from trying to dig himself out, and I’m totally offering to help nurse him back to health. See what a caring and dedicated recapper I am?

As Jack calls for him, we flashback to 21 months earlier, thank heaven for title overlays. Jack is weevil hunting, except I actually mean he’s hunting weevils, not the euphemism we’ve established it is. When the Weevil (I’m guessing Paul Kasey, yet again, just in a Weevil suit) gets the upper hand, who comes to the rescue, but Ianto Jones!

I get a kick of the James Bond style introduction, “Jones, Ianto Jones” and how the flirting starts almost immediately, although, saying hello is flirting for Captain Jack.

Ianto notices Jack’s Wolverine-like ability to heal but says nothing – which is exactly what I’d expect Ianto to do. I bet he knew all along about Jack’s immortality but said nothing. Ianto’s always full of surprises like that, like surprising Jack about knowing what a Weevil is.

Jack denies knowing anything about a Weevil, as he picks up the body of said Weevil and tries to walk off. Yup, that moment right there explains why Torchwood is unable to keep a secret. For Torchwood, they hope that the people will buy it when they just wave there hands and say “you didn’t see anything” like the penguins from Madagascar.

“By the way, love the coat,” Ianto says as Jack walks off. Way to ingratiate yourself with your potential boss, no wonder he was commenting on Ianto’s suits, since their relationship began with the appreciation of wardrobe choices.

The next day, there is Ianto, creating his own job description, standing outside the Hub’s tourist office entrance, offering coffee to Jack.

This time, Jack isn’t the one left wondering what’s going on, as we get a summary of Ianto’s CV. “Ianto Jones, born August 19, 1983, able student but not exceptional. One minor conviction for shoplifting in your teens. Number of temporary jobs mainly a drifter until two years ago you joined the Torchwood Institute in London. Junior researcher, girlfriend, Lisa Hallett.”

Ianto tosses on that Lisa’s “deceased” but we all know otherwise. He pleads with Jack for a job, even offering a trial period but Jack wants nothing to do with Torchwood London, no matter how pretty the packaging.

Once again, Ianto proves my theory that he knows everything. Despite being only a junior researcher, he knows Torchwood Cardiff scavenged equipment from Canary Wharf. How else would a junior researcher get to know these things unless he’s practically omnipotent in knowledge?

Jack holds firm and declares “You’re [Ianto] not my responsibility.” Oh, okay, well, then what was last week about if you aren’t responsible for each other? But Ianto won’t give up, he promises to be there the next day and he still loves the coat. Jack smirks as he walks away because the charming nature of my fictional Welsh boyfriend is impossible to resist.

It’s now night and Jack’s driving through Cardiff in the TT-SUV, sending orders back to the Hub. At one point, he even starts talking to Suzie and for a brief moment I thought I was going to get to hear Indira Varma speak, but I guess I’m not that lucky. BTW, there’s also some guy called “Rain” (I think) there, but really, did we need that little detail to add to our canon of potentially relevant but probably soon to be retconned factoids?

The TT-SUV is stopped in its tracks by Ianto Jones, who steps out in front of it. Yet another reason to travel to Wales, good looking men really do stop traffic there.

Jack doesn’t take as kindly to the idea as I would, because he orders Ianto out of Cardiff, even though a hot man is standing there in a very nice suit. Personally, out of my personal vicinity would not be the first place I’d order someone like to, more like within my personal vicinity.

Yet Ianto, the all-knowing Ianto still knows something Jack doesn’t. “So you’re not going to help me catch this pterodactyl then?” Hee. Jack just got pwned.

Ianto isn’t very impressed with Jack’s special equipment (not like that) as all Jack has to catch Myfanwy (like we all didn’t know who it was) is a large hypodermic needle to tranq the thing. Jack isn’t very impressed when Ianto comments that Torchwood London would be better prepared.

Heck, even Ianto’s better prepared because he has his own personal rift activity locator. In other words, it wasn’t just Torchwood 3 scavenging Canary Wharf. Of course, we get the significance of that, Jack doesn’t. Oh yes, and for those looking for a fanfic prompt: Myfanwy was attracted to Jack’s 51st century pheromones. Not fair, like Jack would need any extra help from futuristic biology.

Jack’s certain he has control of the situation and tries to talk to Myfanwy, inviting her back to the Hub. Ianto’s not happy that the pterodactyl gets an invite into Jack’s inner sanctum, but not him. “We need a guard dog,” Jack tells him.

“I can be that!” Ianto insists, also offering his receptionist and butlering skills. It’s a little too Helena from Midsummer’s Night Dream where she’s all “Use me but as your spaniel.” Yet Jack’s too distracted by the large prehistoric bird and making cracks about when he had to eat dinosaurs to pick up on the desperation. He hands Ianto the needle and plans to be the decoy, but yet again, Ianto one-ups him.

Seriously, the idea of a chocoholic dinosaur is my favourite moment in this episode. She even prefers dark chocolate. Except the plan fails and the bird takes off with Jack. I get a bit of a Harry Potter flashback.

He manages to inject Myfanwy and then drops, landing on Ianto. Thus, as Myfanwy falls to the floor, Ianto and Jack wind up in a soon to be familiar position.

Jack offers him a position (not like that) as Ianto goes to leave and comments that he likes the suit. The look of relief on Ianto’s face is heartbreaking, reminding me that the best moments of humour sometimes come tinged out of desperation.

Back in the wreckage, Gwen and Jack help free Ianto. Then Jack pops Ianto’s shoulder back into place and I would screencap it but I wouldn’t know what it looks like as I can’t get through that moment without closing my eyes. Ianto’s scream is enough.

Now we’re left with Zombie!Owen’s story.  I was totally convinced the team was going to find him in pieces and we would be left with Orpheus talking-head situation, but no, he looks rather unscathed.

Except for the window that might fall down on him causing that Orpheus situation after all.

We fade back to four years earlier, where we see who I think is Owen but it can’t be.  You see this guy, who looks like Owen is planning a wedding with a lovely fiancée named Katie.  He’s happy.  My Owen likes to torture people in happy relationships so I’m wondering if there’s a twin brother out there we don’t know about.

Hey, it really is Owen, because when Katie leaves the room, a look of worried emo-ness crosses his face.  He later finds her in the kitchen, unable to remember how to make a cup of tea.  She can’t remember the words for “tea” or “milk” and even though she initially snaps at Owen, she eventually breaks down and the pair has to admit something is wrong.

What’s wrong is that she has the earliest case of early Onset Alzheimer’s even though Owen cannot believe it.  He’s certain there’s more to this than meets the eye and this certainty is a trait not admired by his boss but certainly admired by Torchwood.  Because of his pitiful plea, his boss agrees to look over the case one more time.

Like the man in love that he is, Owen watches her as she sleeps, gets scanned and waits for the final report.  You know, if I knew this backstory earlier last season, I might not have been so harsh on Torchwood’s medical officer.  I would’ve been more understanding over that whole breakdown after Diane when we had hints about his loyalty to a woman he loves.

But yay, there’s hope!  It’s a brain tumour!  That sounds weird to applaud a brain tumour but here it is, something operable where they have a chance at a life together.  The urgency to remove the tumour is made even more apparent when, as the doctor explains the medical course of action, Katie looks at her fiancé and pitifully says, “I can’t remember your name.”

We have another montage.  This one is of Owen, waiting for news on Katie’s surgery, except no doctor comes to talk to him.  The doors to the operating theatre shakes and shortly afterwards, Captain Jack arrive telling Owen in his best Ah-nold voice, “it’s not a tuma!”  that he’s sorry.

What Katie had in her head was an alien and as soon as the surgeons cut into her head, it emitted a poison gas, killing everyone present. 

Jack calmly explains this all to Owen, until, in grief, Owen refuses to let Jack touch Katie, and thus Owen is drugged. 

Owen awakes in the hospital and doesn’t believe the story that the surgeon was killed in a car accident or that Katie died because of an inoperable tumour.  Although, it’s a mutual distrust as the shrink dealing with Owen doesn’t believe the whole brain alien story.   Now I’m starting to realize how Owen Harper got completely messed up.  Torchwood did it to him because if he was given Retcon, it certainly didn’t work.

After he’s forced to take a break from work, Owen spends his time looking at security footage.  No matter what anyone or anything tries to tell him, Owen Harper still has faith in his own memory.  Considering what happened to poor Katie before the alien killed her, to then promptly try and make Owen look as memory-challenged is just mean, Captain Jack!

While kneeling by Katie’s graveside, Owen spots Jack at a distance.  Okay, Jack, haven’t you done enough to the poor man?  I mean, we all know you’re there to offer him a job, but really, could you have found a better moment to do it than while the guy is wallowing in grief in a graveyard?  You totally earned Owen tackling you.

“You’re not a figment of my imagination,” Owen asserts to himself as much as to chastise Jack. 

Jack plays the emotion card by saying that if Owen goes back to his old work, all he’ll see is Katie.  Ouch.  So the choices are either work for Jack or suffer mental anguish every day for the rest of your life?  Wait, he’s going to suffer mental anguish at Torchwood anyway, even if Owen’s curiousity is what piqued Jack’s interest in the first place.  Wow, and to think last week I was hoping for something uplifting in this episode.  I’ve seen one case of blackmail, one person forced into indentured servitude, another desperate to save his cyber-girlfriend and a fourth driven to the brink of madness. 

To convince Owen further, Jack takes him to the Hub, where Owen’s faith in his own sanity is momentarily shaken.  Jack offers him the chance to save more than one person at a time.  It’s supposed to be a powerful moment, but I’m distracted by one thing.

Back in the present, Gwen’s got to get Zombie!Owen out from under the rubble without damaging him further, or either one of them imitating Orpheus. 

Despite the attempt at suspense, Zombie!Owen’s freed and he has the least amount of damage.  Well, at least that means he can be involved in the action next week.  Zombie!Owen looks downright healthy for a dead guy, while Tosh has bruised ribs and a broken arm, Ianto had the dislocated shoulder and even Jack looks slightly bruised.  To make matter worse, the TT-SUV is gone, and Jack’s wrist-assist is beeping.  Look, it’s Spike Captain John!

With the background music ripped from the creepiest of Doctor Who tracks, Captain Jack’s psycho-ex (with the image of Jack’s brother beside him) leaves a very clear message:

“Ooh, déjà vu, or did I say that already?  Hey team, of course, there might be a few less of you by now.  Don’t know if you like my little gift.  Of course, you can’t die and with all that life, all that time, you can’t spare any for me.  Oh, say hi to the family.  Been a while since you’ve seen your brother, eh Jack?  Okay, here’s what’s going to happen.  Everything you love, everything you treasure, will die.  I’m going to tear your world apart, Captain Jack Harkness, piece by piece, starting now.  Maybe now you wanna spend some time with me.

So, next week’s going to be a bundle of laughs, right?