Doctor Who: Voyage of the Damned (Christmas Special 3 & Episode 400)

You dreamt of another sky, new sun, new air, new life, a new universe, teeming with life. Why stand still when there’s all that life out there?

Welcome back to the flag ship of the Whoniverse, the TARDIS! Now, depending on what you consider true canon, the Doctor is either bereft over the loss of Martha, or shocked at seeing himself in a past celery-wearing incarnation. Either way, the Titanic just crashed through the walls of the TARDIS.

I must have my history screwed up because not only did the Titanic hit an iceberg, but wasn’t the Ninth Doctor somewhere on this ship? Poor Ten, first celery, then Nine? Nothing like the Whoniverse sending David Tennant a reminder he’s from a long line of greats and that he’s replaceable.

But wait! This isn’t that big of a problem, because he turns this little handle-like thing that I think he stole off a window, and time literally reverses itself and the ship backs out from whence it came. Curious as what’s going on, The Doctor does what the Titanic just did, just through materialization and not crashing through a wall.

Well, the Christmas music, the metallic angels and aliens definitely reassure me this isn’t Nine’s Titanic. Damn. I would pay to see a Tennant / Eccleston act-off. It would be “angry Doctor is angry” versus “angsty Doctor is angsty” titanic-sized smackdown. (I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for that pun.) Oh wait, there’s one other thing that’s wrong with this Titanic.

While I’m guessing the evil Santas of years past won’t be making an appearance, considering the atheist nature of the show, I’m already suspicious of the Angels. Plus, don’t angels belong up in heaven, not on a space ship. Yup, that’s what this is, one gigantic floating spaceship. All right, what moron thought the name Titanic would be a good idea?

Of course, the Titanic is floating right above the Earth, at Christmas. Ah, the yearly Christmas special, it’s like one big card from RTD saying “My anti-religious beliefs, let me show you them.”

The credits play with a seriously heavier version of the title theme. Somebody turned the bass up to 11. I guess finally landing Kylie as a guest star (complete with her own opening credit) calls for a change of theme.

Despite the ship being in space, the formality of the original Titanic is upheld on the Brdige, where Captain Hardaker does something very odd – he sends everyone off for a Christmas drink, but one young “sailor” Midshipman Frame, refuses to go. Regulations state that the bridge must have at least two people on it, in case the Captain, who is rivaling Methuselah in age, drops dead of a heart attack. Okay, maybe I made that last half of that up.

Of course, his musing about Earth not even knowing that the Titanic is there, and creepy description of Christmas, totally give away something is up. Either that or the Silent Night reference was just another dig at religion. It’s hard to keep up where the plot begins and RTD’s philosophy ends.

The Titanic is owned by Max Capricorn who claims his ships are the best, yet as he chooses to call them things like Titanic, I don’t believe him. What are the names of his other ships? The Lusitania, the Bismarck and the Yorktown?

While the Doctor walks around the party we see that everyone’s in the 1912 spirit, dressed as they would’ve been if Leonardo DiCaprio suddenly boarded and some of the major characters about to be featured in tonight’s disaster special. There’s a shot of Kylie. There’s a shot of some guy yelling into a cell phone? (He's selling something, that's important.) Hmm, can we say anachronism?

Speaking of anachronisms, while everyone else is dressed like they raided the wardrobe from “Human Nature” and “Family of Blood,” why is Kylie dressed as a cigarette girl? Seriously, Kylie looks spectacular, but really out of place.

Calling himself “Passenger 57” he asks the angel, who is like a butler/host/symbol for all things atheism to tell him what exactly an angel is doing in this series, where the Titanic is from and WTF whose bright idea was it to call the ship Titanic?

The angels are “heavenly hosts” and they give out info to tourists. Okay, that’s not what I learned in Sunday school, but, whatever. Also, they are from the planet Sto, want to experience primitive cultures and Max Capricorn is one crazy fucker. Either that or the universe’s largest megalomaniac and tempting fate with the name of his ship.

The heavenly host promptly malfunctions, and for all the crew’s smiling, we all know something’s up. Eight of them have developed “some sort of bug” and the Steward is pissed. Apparently, one of the heavenly hosts tried to strangle a first class passenger.

We get a random moment of the heavenly host mechanic yelling at some dude driving a forklift, before the decision is made to chuck the heavenly hosts overboard if they can’t be fixed. (The heavenly hosts aren’t as keen on the idea.) That’s two important things in this scene. The first is NOTICE THERE IS A FORKLIFT. The second is an interesting theory about what to do with all religions if they are no longer functioning.

Back in the upper decks, Kylie’s getting yelled at by cell phone dude for spilling on him. The Doctor helps her pick up all the chattered glass when cell phone dude stomps off and finally, Kylie and the Doctor meet.

Her name is Astrid Peth and she does what I’d do if I met the Doctor, she makes sure he’s single. Nice. Okay, so the Doctor fumbles over the whole being alone thing because he’s just lost Martha. I would feel sorry for the Doctor, but unlike when he lost Rose, this time it was totally because he was being an ass to Martha who took comfort by joining UNIT and hanging out with Torchwood.

Astrid is everything the Doctor could ever hope for in a companion blond and hot as she took the job on board the Titanic because she wanted to travel. The Doctor describes Astrid’s wishes in the quote with which I began this recap and for all the Doctor’s description about travelling for fun, we can all see the machinations in his head.

In what are a test and a confirmation, to prove he’s right about Astrid, he confesses that he’s a stowaway and briefly stumbles his way through explaining the events of “Time Crash.” I guess that answers the canon question from earlier. Instead of turning him in, Astrid gets him a drink. Now, if only he’d confess that whenever he wears that tuxedo, shit happens.

Hey, the Doctor claims he’s a stowaway from Sto. Look, it’s a not so funny attempt at a funny! Speaking of things not so funny, we move onto our next featured characters in this special, Foon and Morvin Van Hoff. In yet another big FAIL at the funny, other guests on the boat played a trick on them by telling them dinner was fancy dress.

The Van Hoffs are everything that television likes to mock. They’re fat. They have terrible table manners. They’re poor (as they won their trip by answering the Sto equivalent of “Name all of Erica Kane’s husbands” in a trivia contest). The Doctor gives them a little bit of vengeance by making a champagne bottle explode all over the rich snotty people.

In a moment reminiscent of Jessica Simpson, Foon makes a comment about the size of buffalo because they have so many wings. I think that was supposed to be funny, but Jessica Simpson, Buffalo wings and Chicken of the Sea jokes got old several years ago.

Before we get into other old reality show jokes (the snake and the rat anyone?) shore leave tickets are called and gosh darnit, Foon and Morvin’s tickets are up. The Doctor decides to tag along which makes me wonder, if the Doctor is a stowaway who sneaks onto Earth, does that make him an illegal alien?

On the bridge, Midshipman Frame notices a power fluctuation and a meteor shower. Either both of those are very important clues along with the captain’s Eeyore like demeanor, or they really needed to fill time.

The trip is run by Mr. Copper, who is definitely not smarter than a 5th grader, but has a first class degree in Earthonomics. Not only does he not notice the historical anachronism of a cigarette girl is coming along, but also, he has the historical knowledge of Earth that rivals only Cassandra’s from “The End of the World.” Apparently, King Wenceslas rules over Londontown, where humans cannibalize the people of Turkey and worship the fearsome creature Santa (with his claws – get it, Santa-Claws? Hee? No?). You know, what I wouldn’t pay to have the Pope watch this episode during his visit to the United States.

Just before they teleport down, the last important person in this story a small red alien that we got a glimpse of earlier Bannakaffalatta, joins them. The Doctor thinks the little red alien might cause a riot, but, for once, he’s totally wrong. The streets of London are deserted. So while Mr. Copper goes on about the dangerous boxers and the local delicacy of “beef,” the Doctor wonders where the heck everyone went.

As for Astrid, she doesn’t care. She’s so thrilled by the sky, the concrete and the stench of London, that she thinks it’s all beautiful. It’s the type of wonder the Doctor needs in his life again; something he hasn’t had since Rose. With that, Astrid becomes an official companion.

The answer’s really not that complicated. Consider what’s happened the last two Christmases, everyone’s hightailed it to the hills, The only people rally left are the Royal family, and one newsagent who explains all this to the Doctor. Well, I hope the Royal family buys a lot of newspapers; otherwise, this guy’s crazy to be open on Christmas Eve. It’s almost like he was needed, for some greater purpose, a grand plan. That is, if you consider exposition in an RTD script a greater purpose in a grand plan.

The moment he tries to reassure the newsagent, everyone’s teleported back to the Titanic. Yup, Doctor, when are you ever going to understand your own “timey-wimey” theory that everything isn’t always as you remember it?

The steward tries to pass off the early recall to the ship as another power fluctuation, the Doctor’s not quite so confident, but the rest of the passengers are distracted by free drinks. Astrid also didn’t need to be teleported back to the ship. She’s on cloud 9.

Up on the bridge, the captain magnetizes the hull, to the shock of Midshipman Frame. Thus the meteors he saw earlier are now moving towards the Titanic.

At the party, we have the required few moments of happiness. Foon and Morvin feed each other. The Doctor and Astrid smile at each other. The annual Christmas special song is sung. Of course, the Doctor had to ruin in by finding out that all the shields are offline, meteors are hurdling towards the ship and the captain will to do nothing to stop the impending disaster. This is bad for the people on the ship, but great as a plot device to bring about chaos and inspire heroism.

Since the Doctor is being chased by the stewards, and then stopped by the heavenly hosts from warning the passengers, our first act of heroism comes from Midshipman Frame, who tries to raise the shields before the meteors hit. He’s shot by the Captain for his trouble.

As the Doctor is dragged away, he shouts for someone to look out the windows. Only one man (the angry cell-phone dude) actually does, while the rest of them argue that the Doctor shouldn’t be arrested. I don’t know, but being arrested and then asking to be thrown overboard might not be a bad idea at the moment. Eventually, one little meatball-sized meteorite breaks through the glass and the heavenly host tells angry cell-phone dude, “You’re all going to die.” Not exactly a message one would expect from a heavenly host, now is it?

Everyone, including angry cell-phone dude has followed the Doctor down into the annals of the ship, while the captain confesses that he’s crashing the ship for money. Since he only had 6 months to live, this was the best way to take care of his family. What, the planet Sto has something against exorbitant life-insurance policies?

With a montage of final moments: the stoic captain, the innocent victim, the Max Capricorn advertisement, the midshipman is bleeding on the floor, the ANGRY DOCTOR IS ANGRY, the meteors hit the ship. For a ship full of heavenly hosts, all hell breaks out. Again, it’s a montage of the standard. Someone falls over a table, beams fall, explosions happen, and the Doctor finally points out the obvious.

Really, chaos is hard to recap as it’s so chaotic by nature to actually describe the events turns them into a joke. Particularly if one’s natural tone is snarky like mine. Plus, the steward saying it was a “small collision” says it all with a big dollop of understatement topped off with sprinkling of equivocation.

Quite a few of the crew are dead (as symbolized by the Doctor checking one) and I’m figuring when the fireball crashed the party upstairs that the guests got the wrong type of barbeque. Therefore, it’s up to the people left with the Doctor to do something. That is, they’ll do something once they stop screaming at the steward or the steward goes to “check” on things, a word which here means “try to get away from the angry people.” Except, when he opens the hatch, he gets blown out into space.

That’s one down out of the survivors. Any bets on how many are going to make it 2 the end? What hint?

Oh, and just in case we’re supposed to get more attached to Astrid (bad idea, really bad idea. If you watched the Torchwood finale the day after watching this, I’m sorry. I am so sorry. The only people happy will be the makers of Kleenex) we see her take care of the elderly, if not educated, Mr. Copper.

Once the Doctor seals the oxygen shield, now the survivors can get on their way. Oh, in case we need the order of which the Doctor thinks of the survivors, he asks about Astrid first, Foon and Morvin second, Mr. Copper third, Bannakaffalatta fourth and cell phone dude (named Rickston Slade) last. Hmm, I wonder if that’s a whole Freudian thing there.

The Doctor distracts Astrid from focusing on the loss of life by promising that he’ll get her out of this mess. There’s just one slight problem, his TARDIS is floating away, towards Earth. Yup, how are we feeling now?

Oh yes, cue the requisite “size of the TARDIS” joke.

As for the atheistic nature of the Whoniverse, the heavenly hosts are now using their halos the way ninjas use throwing stars and kill the mechanic.

Back with the survivors, The Doctor calls the bridge and Midshipman Frame is still alive! The Captain though, is deader than a doorknob and I have to admit. I’m a terrible person.

While I’m laughing at the Captain’s perfectly polished shoes and symbolic life preserver, Midshipman Frame is practically breaking down even though he’s trying to be stoic – lying about being injured and giving the Doctor a report on things. The poor, idealistic young sailor had never imaging a captain scuttling his own ship for profit.

Besides the loss of life, the destroyed ship and the upset sailor, the Doctor has another problem, the engines are a Nuclear Storm Drive and if they go out (which, they are, big shock) the Titanic will crash into Earth. Oh Doctor, meet me in the screencap below.

The Doctor’s got to make it to the bridge, but the survivors just realized they might be plot food going to die anyway, thus the Doctor has to calm them down.

“1) We’re going to climb through this ship. B) no 2) We’re going to reach the bridge. 3 or C) we’re going to save the Titanic and, coming in a very low 4 or D or that little iv in brackets they use in footnotes: Why? Right then, follow me.”

Slade’s just as doubtful of the Doctor’s leadership as that speech indicates he should be, but the Doctor has a great reason for everyone to listen to him.

And everyone “allons-y” exactly as he wants them to, with Astrid in the lead. The sweeping, heroic music leads them forward, and to the Doctor explaining the meaning of Christmas to Mr. Copper, who thinks it’s a barbaric festival and that you’re killed if you’re bad. You know, we should start that rumour. We’d have better behaved children everywhere. As for the Doctor’s idealistic view of Christmas, it quickly gives way to the realization that his Christmases always suck. Yeah, no kidding and he’s never really had to sit through a Christmas dinner turned family argument, I bet. I’d rather save the world.

They find a heavenly host and Morvin and Foon say they can fix it. Yeah, do they realize they’re in the Whoniverse? If it’s a religious symbol, leave it alone or it will kill you!

So, Titanic has turned into The Poseidon Adventure, as the survivors have to clear debris to make their way to safety. In the middle of this seriousness, the Doctor asks Bannakaffalatta if he can just call him Banna. Bannakaffalatta is adamant that he must be called by his full name.

And Slade gets told to shove it. Since he’s mocking the size of Foon and Morvin, I couldn’t agree more. Of course, his constant pratishness is also an excellent reason.

As for Foon and Morvin, I’ll bet they’re the happiest couple on the ship. She confesses that she spent 5000 credits trying to win the contest, and instead of being mad, he laughs because, considering all they just went through, he loves her.

While Astrid and Banna try to clear the debris for others to get through, Banna makes a confession. He’s actually a cyborg and they’ve been oppressed for years. Astrid, doesn’t care, as on Sto, cyborgs are now even permitted to get married as they’ve been gaining equal rights. Hmm, I wonder what part of society is being reflected her by RTD? I don’t know as he’s being so subtle.

As for Banna, he takes Astrid’s empathy as a chance to land the hottest woman on the Titanic by suggesting, since he’s allowed, that he marry her. Astrid recharges him (not like that), says that he can buy her a drink once all this is done and promise to stay silent about him being a Cyborg. Eek, between the Doctor promising to get her out of this, and Astrid promising Banna a drink, there’s just one moral lesson I’m getting out of this Christmas special.

The Doctor asks what’s taking so long, and Astrid jokes she’s now engaged to Banna. Usually, this is where the Doctor gets all “my companion, mine” but this is Kylie Minogue, no one is so delusional to think she’ll become a regular.

There’s a strange scene where Kitchen number 5 calls the bridge to report that they’re all still alive. In fact, there are about 50-60 people still alive according to Midshipman Frame. You know what that means?

Midshipman Frame reports that survivors are being killed by the heavenly hosts just as Foon and Morvin fix the host they’re working on. As everyone is able to initially escape (though Slade refuses to help anyone) the Doctor overrides the angel’s command to find out the orders to kill are coming form deck 31 just moments before it is decapitated by a piece of debris.

Meanwhile, after a brief struggle, Midshipman Frame locks himself onto the bridge. Even though this will keep the heavenly hosts out, it will keep anyone else out as well – just another problem to add to the growing list.

A little bit of exposition is done between the Doctor and the midshipman, as deck 31, where the angels are stored, isn’t registering anything on the scanners. Ooh, I wonder if it’s some supersecret surprise for the end?

In a sweet moment, Astrid brings him a little bit of food that the survivors have found because a “time king from gallibey” needs to eat.

She jokes about how he looks great for 903 and he comments that she should see him in the morning. She totally does what any fangirl would do and agrees to take him up on that opportunity. It’s a cute, awkward scene and I’m rather annoyed when Mr. Copper interrupts to announce it’s now Christmas day.

Oh, and if you’re wondering why there was no room at the inn, the Doctor makes a confession; he got the last room. Well, at least he got the right in and the right stable; otherwise he would’ve been part of The Life of Brian, and not Christianity.

Mr. Copper also makes a confession. His degree in Earthonomics came from “Mrs. Golightly’s Traveling University and Drycleaners.” He lied as he found himself retiring as a traveling salesman but had nothing, therefore, he needed a job and Earth is “exotic.” The Doctor appreciates Copper’s appreciation for the planet, since that’s the closest thing he has to a home.

For Copper, he’s also afraid that once it’s discovered he lied to the company about his expertise, he’ll be put in prison.

The hosts bang on the door, forcing the group of survivors from their temporary sanctuary into what I think is a total rip off of the setting in Star Wars. You know, the one in the Death Star with the large pit that Luke and Leia have to swing across, just with different colouring.

And even though I could totally take that analogy further, Morvin takes a wrong step and falls down the pit, which leads right to the Nuclear Storm Drive. Foon pleads with the Doctor to bring him back but it’s not possible.

The angels spur them back into action as Slade, Banna, Astrid and Mr. Copper make their way across, but Foon refuses to leave as her life is meaningless without Morvin. The Doctor has to go open the door on the other side, promising to come back for her, making me wonder if the Doctor and broken promises, not matter how well-intentioned, is going to be a major theme of this series.

The heavenly hosts suddenly stop trying to break through the doors and the Doctor’s worried. Plus, everyone forgot that angels can fly.

Wow, two knew sports are invented in this special, angel discus and angel discus baseball, since the survivors use pipes to bat away the killer halos. Just as everyone is getting injured or tired of fighting the angels, Banna imitates the least likely reference ever for this show.

In truth, he emitted an EMP pulse that disabled all the angels, thus using up all his power. As Astrid insists that Banna can’t die as he promised her a drink, Banna powers down, forever.

Mr. Copper removes the EMP module from Banna, saying that in death, the little mini-Maul might’ve saved them all since they can use it to defeat the angels. Sacrificing oneself for the greater good? Um, this is the Christmas special, not the Easter one, right?

One angel wasn’t entirely disabled by the pulse and the Doctor tries a variety of emergency protocols (10, 666 – hee – 21, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 42 – hee again ) when 1 finally works. The heavenly hosts are killing the survivors to avoid having any witnesses and the plan is to destroy the Earth. Unfortunately, the Doctor can’t get any more information as the angel is confused as to what mythical creature it thinks it is.

Just as the heavenly host goes to kill the Doctor, we get our second sacrifice. Foon, who cannot live without Morvin, ties herself to the angel and throws herself into the engines.

So now we’re up to three promises (although, is it only 2 since it was one promise made to 2 people?) broken and the Doctor insists “no more.” Careful what you say Doctor, or a recapper might have to make you eat those words.

The Doctor separates from the group to go find out what’s on Deck 31, but just before that he gives his sonic screwdriver to Slade (WTF), gives the EMP to Astrid and she asks if there’s space in the Blue Box for her.

Yeah, so start counting down the minutes until she dies. Well, at least we’re given a timeframe until the ship crashes: 8 minutes according to Midshipman Frame.

His last instructions to the three remaining survivors is for Astrid to look after Copper, Copper look after Astrid and Slade look after himself. Somehow, I think that last one is the most eminently qualified in the looking after department. Just before the Doctor leaves, Astrid wants to perform and old tradition on planet Sto. For this, she needs to stand on a medical kit in order to reach.

It’s an old tradition on Earth too. Probably something I’d be more than willing to try given similar circumstances. And with that, the Doctor heads back in the direct from whence they came, as the three survivors keep moving forward.

When the three survivors run into the angels, Astrid disables them, but when the Doctor runs into them, he tries security protocol one again – but wastes 2 questions. He solves the problem by relying on his stowaway status. He needs to be arrested, not killed and taken to a figure of authority. “Take me to your leader,” he smirks.

The three survivors wind up in the reception hall, where Astrid gets an idea.

She convinces Midshipman Frame to let her teleport to deck 31 to help the Doctor. As for the Doctor, he’s discovered the evil mastermind, Max, the owner of the cruise line, although, he’s really more of a head on a computer than anything else. He’s in hiding as, like we learned from Banna, society hates cyborgs.

The Doctor impresses Max with his mad deduction skillz as he explains Max’s plan. Since the business was failed, voted Max out and this is Max’s way of ruining them financially. A crashed Titanic does tend to do that to a cruise line, eventually. By taking the Earth out with the ship, the whole board, the one upon whom Max wants vengeance, will be thrown in jail. Meanwhile, Max, with his impact chamber will not only survive the crash but also has more money than Bill Gates and will able to live very well, off the radar and on a planet where cyborg sex is considered hot.

The Doctor then sums up the entire plan – everyone dies because Max is a loser.

Although, the Doctor does have a point, Max can’t even sink the Titanic properly. To prove the Doctor wrong, Max shuts off the engines. While Midshipman Frame, Copper and Slade panic, and max brags, Astrid, whose been listening in this whole time, reminds us why it was so important we saw the forklift earlier.

“Mr. Capricon, I resign.” With those words, Astrid picks up Max and his metal life support system on the prongs of the forklift and tries to push him over the edge. When the angels try to stop her, they accidentally cut the break lines, which mean that Astrid has to hurtle herself and the forklift, over the edge in order to stop Max.

The film slows, moments before she dies. She looks at the Doctor, who has lost Rose, Martha, the Master, his planet, his family and adds herself to the list of the lost. The Doctor screams her name when she falls but there is nothing to be done.

There’s no time to mourn as the ship starts falling to Earth, Midshipman Frame, Copper and Slade are screaming. The Doctor must take action.

Oh yes, there’s one other thing.

He uses the angels to break through the floor of the bridge and the Doctor finally gets one of his wishes. Midshipman Frame’s first name is Alonso.

The ship plunges towards the Earth. Actually, it’s plunging right towards London so the newsagent from the beginning is probably wishing he’d headed out to the country as well.

Oh wait, it’s plunging right towards Buckingham Palace, just as the news reports are saying that “the year, the city of London has escaped alien intervention.” Who knew the BBC was big on irony?

The Doctor calls the palace and using security code 771, orders the family to evacuate.

At the last second, the engines start working again and they just manage to pull up in time to miss the palace. This is great as considering what happened to Big Ben a few years ago, the people of London would start believing aliens had a thing for their major landmarks. The Queen waves in her appreciation, which is when I notice a really huge flub – even bigger than Kylie’s costume.

The Doctor explains that the heat of reentry was used to start up the secondary engines. “Unsinkable, that’s me,” he insists.

The Doctor realizes that only two of the survivors he started out with on the lower decks survived but hopes he has a way of bringing back one of them. Since Astrid was wearing a teleport bracelet, he hopes her pattern is still in the computer.

Unfortunately, what we get is the ghost of Christmas present. Not enough of Astrid’s molecules were saved, due to the damage to the teleport system. All she is now is an echo and even though the Doctor, desperate not to lose someone else, tries to fix things, Mr. Copper explains the facts of things.

Accepting Astrid is “stardust,” the Doctor eulogizes her. “Astrid Peth, citizen of Sto. You always looked at the stars and dreamt of traveling. There’s a old tradition.”

“Now you can travel forever,” At least he can fulfill one of his promises, that of her traveling, as he releases her molecules out to the stars. “You’re not falling, Astrid, you’re flying.”

All that’s left is the innocent midshipman, the callous businessman and the lying historian. It sounds like either the start of an epic poem, or a great way to found a new country.

Slade says thank you but then ruins it by commenting that what he was selling at the beginning, was all of his shares in Capricorn’s company.

Copper tells him, “Of all the people to survive, he’s not the one you would have chosen, is he? But if you could choose, Doctor, if you could decide who lives and who dies, that would make you a monster.”

The Doctor may not decide who lives or who dies, but he can decide who gets a teleport bracelet, taking both him and Copper down to the planet. Midshipman Frame makes no attempt to stop them. He salutes instead.

In a field of grass spray-painted white, I recognize some of the landmarks blown up in this year’s Torchwood finale.

Also, Copper gets his first real earth history lesson. France and Germany are just France and Germany. Only Britain is great. At least though, he realizes that the snow is the really debris from the Titanic. Fake snow, it’s another Christmas special tradition.

Before the Doctor leaves, he gives Mr. Copper a gift, since the historian’s in no physical condition to be a companion (a phrase which here means hot). He tells him that the 1000000£ Copper loaded onto it, is worth 500000056 credits. In other words, Copper can retire in style.

The Doctor really doesn’t need to worry about Copper interfering in history as all he wants is a house with a garden, a door and a kitchen with windows and chairs (with legs). Copper skips off.

“Where are you going?” The Doctor asks.

“I have no idea,” Copper replies.

“No, me neither.” Well, Doctor, that’s because you don’t have companion. Work on that, will you? How about finding one next week?

Just before the Doctor can leave, Copper assures him that he “won’t forget her.”

The Doctor looks to the sky where, in a cheesy special effect yet still appropriate, Astrid’s molecules fly by. Thus with Astrid flying through the stars, the Doctor follows suit.

And somewhere, RTD rubs his hands, thrilled to know that millions of Britons everywhere, just got more depressed on Christmas Day, but just in case we needed one more reason to be sad, this is dedicated to Verity Lambert Obe, one of the founding producers.

And there isn’t a joke in the world I would make about that.