Gossip Girl: The Blair Bitch Project (Episode 114)

Boy, it's nice to be back in the haute couture saddle! We're sandwiching the entire back nine's worth of conniving and bitchery into five hard-won, post-Strike episodes, so hang onto your hats -- it's probably gonna be a bumpy ride. When we last saw our favorite snotty uber-rich Upper East Siders, Blair had been outed as a Chuck-fucking slut, Nate and Chuck had broken up over the same, Jenny had hooked her Payless high heel to a higher rung on the social ladder, and Serena and Eric were on the brink of becoming Chuck's siblings, thanks to Bart Badass' corporate raid on Lily van der Woodsen. Can you imagine sharing a bathroom with Chuck Bass? Stock up on Purell, S! And bring your own can of Lysol!

"YOU MIGHT BE TURNING INTO SOME HIDEOUS UPPER EAST CYBORG" -- We pick up pretty much right where we left off, with Blair preparing to return to school with her golden retriever Serena at her side. Four months may have passed in our world, but on the Upper East Side, they've been enjoying a three-week long Strike Hiatus "Spring Break." Must be nice! Blair's so anxious about her reception at school that she's sleeping with her Lady Godiva chocolate box and dreaming the not-so-great parts of Breakfast At Tiffany's. Nanette makes her get up, saying, "Club Bed is over!" Hee. Turns out Blair was right to worry: the Bitch Brigade, complete with aspiring Queen Bee Jenny, dumps yogurt in her hair as she walks up the steps of the school. Nobody but Serena comes to her aid, but Nate, who's watching, takes Jenny to task a little bit while warning her about her new circle of "friends." Jenny's too high on being part of the in-crowd -- she even got to go to Aspen for Break with Hazel's family -- to pay Nate much attention. She returns to the Brigade in time to 1) make a plan for her birthday the next night at Socialista and 2) earn some social currency by agreeing to help Penelope meet Nate, her long-time crush. Hey, the line forms to the rear, sister.

They also make plans to meet at Butter, the new hot spot, for dinner that night though Jenny knows good and well that she can't keep up with the girls money-wise, clothes-wise or any wise, really. She makes up a new plan: she invites Blair to Butter, then all the girls meet at Hazel's house instead. Free for Jenny, humiliating for Blair. Why, that's a win all around! You know, I really did miss these kids over "Spring Break"…all but Jenny Freakin' Humphrey, who's on a trajectory from bad to worse. The girls throw back a few drinks and talk about the new clothes they're buying for Jenny's birthday party. Jenny, however, hasn't a thing to wear…until she finds herself in Hazel's mother's closet while looking for some privacy to talk to Rufus on the phone. Then she STEALS an original Valentino dress and SELLS it so she can buy a USED Dolce & Gabbana dress for $1200.

O.M.F.G.

Wait. It gets worse. The resale retailer, who, as far as I can tell, basically runs a pawn shop, notes that Jenny already sold her sewing machine -- we see it up on a shelf. So, it's a store that will stock both a crap sewing machine and a Valentino dress worth $15,000? Huh. Only in NYC. Jenny's all happy with her Dolce until the next day, when the Bitch Brigade gossips about the stolen dress, saying the maid is probably going to get fired for theft. When Jenny goes back to try to switch dresses, the shop owner says, "It's not my fault that you don't know what a Valentino's worth." No shit. Jenny calls Nate in a panic, asking if she can borrow $8,000, the current price for the Valentino. "I made a mistake and I need to fix it," she says, but when he asks why she needs it, she hangs up on him and moves on to make yet another mistake she'll have to try to fix later: she goes into a dressing room, puts on the Valentino, covers it with her coat, and STEALS it back, leaving the Dolce hanging in the fitting room. *facepalm*

Now, while all this is going on, Blair's not taking her humiliation lying down. She goes for the jugular by visiting Rufus at his gallery and weaving him a story about how Jenny's "straddling two worlds" and needs some "relief" -- in other words, a nice quiet party at home for her birthday, complete with pink balloons, streamers, and a cake with her picture on it. Then she invites the Bitch Brigade to a "loft party," canceling their reservation at Socialista and making one under her own name at Butter.

Nate, bless his heart, tracks down Dan and tells him about Jenny's phone call. Dan heads off to Brooklyn to see if he can figure out what's going on, but the damage is already being done: Jenny's arrived -- in the Valentino dress -- to find Hazel, Penelope, Blair, her dad, and the rest of the bitchy coterie waiting to surprise her. Um…surprise! She rushes off to change, but the zipper gets stuck, and while she's crying and snapping at her dad, Hazel comes in and sees Jenny in her mother's STOLEN dress. Caught, red-handed. Blair comes in and picks up her coat, saying she has a reservation at Butter under the name "Waldorf," if there's an after-party. Good one, Blair!

The after-party turns out to be a half-hearted lecture from Rufus, who wants to know what the fuck's going on with the fucking dress, but Jenny's over the dress. The dress is yesterday's problem. Today's problem is that she has to take a brown bag lunch to school and eat it furtively in a closet or something, then pretend she's not hungry when her friends go out for a nice lunch because Rufus doesn't have enough money for her to keep up with her friends. She whines that her dad has "no idea how hard it is." Rufus points out that these are choices she's making, but wow, Jenny really doesn't get it. Reeealllly doesn't get it, and instead blows up at Rufus and flounces off in a huff. Jesus.

Dan comes home a little later, exclaiming, "Hey, who turned twelve?" when he sees the decorations. Hee! He goes in and talks to Jenny, who tries to spin her THEFT of the $15,000 dress as "I was going to return it!" Dan takes more pity on her than I would, and offers to take her out for ice cream for her birthday, but Rufus puts the kibosh on that plan, saying that Jenny's grounded. Personally, I think a whipping in the woodshed would be a better move, but maybe that's just me.

"Last week, Aspen; this week, prison?" asks Dan. Rufus acknowledges his own role in the drama, saying, "I took my eye off the ball." Of all the parents, though, Rufus is the one who's trying the hardest; I'm going to cut him some slack, and it's not just because his collarbone looks so fine in that stretched gray Henley. They agree to celebrate Jenny's birthday with the party supplies already on hand (Rice Krispie treats! Mint Milanos! That crazy cake! I'd like to eat Jenny's nose, please), but when Dan goes to invite Jenny back out of her room, she's gone.

Where'd she go? To Nate's. Oh, not to apologize for begging him for $8K or explain why she felt compelled to dump yogurt on his ex-girlfriend's head, but to ask him a favor.

Cut to Butter, where Blair is once again taking up a table for eight with her lonely-ass self. The hostess tries to get her to give up the table, but Blair insists that her friends will come…and they do. Penelope, Izzy, Hazel, and the rest of the gang, not exactly welcoming Blair back as queen, but at least letting her hold some semblance of court. When she and Izzy head up to the bar for a drink, who comes in? Jenny, with Nate in tow. Who needs a Valentino dress when you're accessorized with an Archibald? Jenny introduces Nate to Penelope, and he's his usual charming self. Penelope leans over and says to Hazel that her mom must have thrown out that Valentino dress and just not remembered doing it. And just like that, Jenny's back on top while Blair stands on the outside, watching her ex-boyfriend chat up some large-jawed Brigadier, out-maneuvered by an ungrateful, dress-stealing wretch. Looks like the battle for the Met steps is just getting started.

But hey, it could be worse; at least Blair doesn't have Chuck Bass lighting up in her bathroom.

"AT LEAST YOU GET TO WAKE UP FROM YOUR NIGHTMARE; I'M LIVING WITH MINE" -- Lily, Serena, Eric, Chuck, and Bart Badass have all moved in together in Bart's multi-story extravagant suite at the Palace Hotel. It makes Chuck's previous suite look like a Motel 6 in comparison. Serena catches Chuck lighting up a joint (And smoking it! Right there on my TV!) in her bathroom and gives him hell over it, saying that while their parents might marry, making them siblings, she never plans to share DNA with him. Chuck says in that case, "I suggest you get new hand towels." Ewwww! I can only hope that masturbatory allusion sails right over the head of our younger viewers.

As if pot-smoking and jerkoff jokes weren't bad enough, Chuck's also taken his new little bro under his wing, leading Blair to say, "There's Chuck, with a blond mini-Chuck." See for yourselves:

Oh, no, Eric, not the scarf!!! It's like wearing a sign that says, "I'm a foppish virgin-deflowering, weed-smoking jackass!"

Dan and Serena roll around on one of the massive beds in Bart Badass' palatial suite, only to be interrupted by Chuck, who invites them both downstairs to test the wedding banquet goodies from the caterer. Chuck's wearing a royal blue suit with matching shoes and no socks. How does he get away with that shit?

Bart has asked Chuck to be his best man, surprising everyone, including Chuck, but before he can even enjoy the rare stretch of familial bonding, a package arrives for Serena. She starts to put it on the coffee table to open it, leading poor, long-suffering Kelly Rutherford to have to utter the line, "Don't put your dirty package on the table." This leads to Chuck's muttered, "If I had a dime for every time I heard that…" which in turn leads to Bart and me both giving him a verbal smack. Good God, show, what the hell? It's 8 PM, people! Yes, we've got a 'dirty package' joke and porn in the family hour. Hell, it's 7 PM in Memphis. I bet half the viewing audience tripped right over here from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Who says television's not educational?!? The package contains porn and hand-cuffs. Nice. They all blame Chuck, who protests his innocence, but you've got to admit, he looks good for it.

Chuck enlists Eric's support for a globe-trotting bachelor party that will include stops in Croatia so Eric can get legally plastered, and Giza, which has the best something-or-other, I don't remember what because I'm still so appalled at Eric mimicking Chuck right down to the trench coat. Don't drink the Kool-Aid, Eric! Bart Badass has a cold-heart-to-cold-heart with Chuck about his behavior, saying he'd like Chuck to, "Value my happiness above your own childish agenda." Wow. It's no wonder Chuck's a self-centered prick -- he learned that at his daddy's knee. Bart then bribes Chuck into behaving by saying he'll invest more money into Victor, Victrola. I think we're supposed to think Chuck's put out by the lack of fatherly faith, but given his history, I'd think he'd take the money and call it done.

The next gift Serena receives is three cases of champagne, delivered to the courtyard at Constance Billard. PAR-TAY!!! Because no adult would just confiscate three large boxes left in the courtyard… Serena complains to her mommy about Chuck, which Bart overhears. Chuck then uses Eric as a messenger boy to deliver an envelope for Serena that arrived at the Badass suite earlier in the day. What's in the next dirty package? COCAINE. Though Eric's been enjoying Chuck's tutelage, saying he doesn't treat Eric carefully, like everyone else does, Serena's had it: "How do you like a brother who uses you as a drug mule?"

Serena confronts Chuck, saying, "No wonder you're friendless, and girlfriendless. Even your father expects the worst from you." Chuck sneers that she won't have to worry about him anymore -- Bart kicked him out. Of course, this is the Upper East Side, and even a leash with a lot of slack in it like Chuck's is still attached to a choke collar. Where's he headed, poor homeless boy? Down the hall, back to his old suite. Oh, the humanity! Serena joins the rest of the "family" in Bart's suite, which is noticeably quieter (and perhaps more sanitary) without Chuck in it. Yet another message arrives for Serena, and it's a measure of her basically optimistic nature that she still looks pleased and anticipatory, not wary and full of dread as she opens it. It's not porn, or sex toys or illegal drugs; it's just a note. But Serena blanches and whispers, "Oh, my God." She excuses herself and walks down the hall to Chuck's shack. She knocks on the door, and when he opens it, she hands over the note, saying, "I'm really sorry, Chuck." What does the note say?

"Hope you liked your presents. Coming back to town. G."

Oooooooooh. I'm sure we'll get the whole scoop next week, but in the meantime, the shorthand is easily understood by Chuck, who invites Serena in for a drink. Dang, anything that raises Chuck Bass' last twinge of sympathy must be pretty bad, indeed.

Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Gossip Girl:

That Valentino guy makes really hockable dresses.
Croatia's the spot for underage drinking.
If you share a bathroom with a teenage boy, use paper towels.
Once you've been proven guilty enough times, you'll never appear innocent again.