Big Brothel 9: Pulling It Out

Two episodes to go! I can't believe it's actually almost over. It's like finally getting rid of a really bad case of herpes or something. Or so your mom told me. More Big Brothel after the jump.

Oh man I am SO OVER THIS GODDAMNED SHOW, but you know what? It pays for my car, so let's go. That rhymed. Chenbot's back tonight, and she clues us in on the real reason Sharon was booted - Adumb and Ryan made a last-minute deal about an hour before the eviction and decided to gang up on the old lady in the final three. Smart, actually, but only for Adumb. Ryan? Pfft. He couldn't win this thing in a million years. He MIGHT have a chance to win if he wins final HOH and keeps Sheila, but um, yeah... that's not going to happen. Ryan thinks he can beat Adumb in the end, so uh... yeah.

The final three are still wet, desperate and hanging out in the backyard in the gigantic pool of Sheila's tears. It's the first stage of final HOH, and it looks like the old lady is ready to drop. Wait! She's not done yet! She's still got some bitching to do first. 40 minutes and a long, lingering blue streak that hangs over Los Angeles like a dirty fog later, she's done. Sheila lets go of the rope and loses Stage 1 of final HOH. Adumb soon follows, and Ryan wins it. Well, he wins it because Adumb let him.

More flashbacking to before Sharon's eviction, and man, I really don't know which way Adumb would go if he won this thing. It SEEMS like he'd stay true to Sheila and take her to the F2, but I dunno. In my eyes, Adumb's got this thing locked either way if he can get there, but I'm not sure if he's smart enough to realize that.

Anyway, as Adumb drops out of Stage 1, he and Ryan make yet another deal - Ryan will boot Sheila next in exchange for Adumb's booting of Sharon, and the two meatheads will go to the F2 together. Done. Sheila is in a MUST-win situation here - if she loses Stage 2, she's out. For good.

Part two! It's some sort of rolling maze thingy where you have to get a succession of balls (heh) through a maze by running around on a giant hamster wheel. Um... okay. Only Adumb and Sheila have to play, seeming Ryan won the first round and will sit out until the winner of Round 2 is revealed. Adumb and Sheila each take their turns on the hamster wheel (OMG - if Natalie was still around, this giant hamster wheel WOULD TOTALLY MEAN SOMETHING!), and after yet another marathon session of Sheila bitching about fucking EVERYTHING, Adumb pulls it out. I mean, he wins. Heh.

Soooooo... Sheila. Yeah, I'd say she's toast right now, and I'd also say that Ryan's going to stick to his deal with Adumb. If he doesn't, he loses Adumb's vote, and also the vote of every person Adumb would tell about his backstab in the jury house. It's official, as Jules would say. Ryan and Adumb. Yeeech.

But wait! Is it? Adumb makes some stupid statement about how "he's about to win $500,000" (which he is) and Ryan gets a little pissed about it (which he should). You ain't got it locked yet, dude, Ryan says. Adumb just mumbles something. Why shouldn't he? Either Ryan takes him, or he wins HOH himself and takes whoever he damn well pleases. A perfectly appropriate no-brainer, unless Ryan wins and boots his dumb ass for running his yap. Hmmm.

Back on the couch, and Chenbot asks each of the final three for a number between 1 and 10 depicting how confident they are in winning this thing. Ryan says three, Sheila says four (I'd give you a four, too, Sheila) and Adumb counts as high as he can go and comes up with five. Well done. Shapes and colors start during summer school.

Sequester house time, and hey! Why didn't we get to see Natalie's arrival? What, we just cut right to the action in the kitchen where she's boiling Matt's bunny? Bullshit! I wanna see that psycho wobble up on totally inappropriate high heels and start running after her true soul mate with a butcher knife, yelling about how long it's been. ROBBED! Instead, we get another whinefest from Natalie about how Matt doesn't like her. Gee, DO YOU YA THINK?! Wake up!

We do get to see my girl Sharon arrive, though, and Matt proves yet again what a sore loser he is by calling her ouster from the BB house a victory for "Team Matty". Uh... no. Remember when Matt almost got booted, managed to stay, and then challenged everyone in the house by saying "It's on"? HAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, me too. Funny. Also, if you're over 25 and still have a name like Bobby or Matty or Petey, it's time to change that shit. Flip your baseball cap back around the right way, get a job, and change that shit. Now.

Much can be seen in the DVD of Sharon's boot that she brings along, most of which lies in the knowing nod that Adumb gives Ryan as she's walking out the door. That's right, my Sharona, you got played. Not much you can do about it now, is there? Is there? Of course there is! For Ryan's sake, I hope Jen isn't the kind of girl who likes expensive things.

Stage three of final HOH, and it's the usual trivia questions thing with a choice of A or B. Remember when Evel Dick won this last season and proceeded to celebrate by destroying the set? Awesome. Anyway, both Adumb and Ryan totally blow it on nearly all the questions, but in the end, Ryan pulls it out (er, wins) by a score of 3-2. Much arm-pumping and heterosexual male celebration follows.

Boot ceremony, and hey! No surprise here. It's Sheila by a country mile, and she LOSES IT. I don't think she stopped crying from the time she started her "please don't boot me" speech to when Chenbot finally told her to shut the fuck up so they could go to yet another commercial. Seriously, Sheila's interview out in Chenbot's garage felt like a damn therapy session. I'm surprised Sheila didn't lie down on Julie's couch and start telling her about her mother.

Once again, I'm completely unsympathetic towards Sheila's crocodile tears. Honey, listen - you turned it on fairly well over the last few weeks to actually start playing the game, but you didn't do SHIT to stop Adumb or Ryan from taking the final HOH. You were about as much trouble for them as a fart in a car. Grow up, shut up, and go make old rich guys buy you things. For your son.

So that's it! Adumb and Ryan, final two. Big Brother is almost over, and as usual, I'm already missing it. Just like I miss your mother. Tell her to call, eh?

From as far outside the house as I need to be to not have my name suddenly end in a Y, I'm littlebigmouth. Goodnight.