Survivor: I'm Ruthless And Have A Smile On My Face (Episode 1611)

Well, hello, Natalie! It's Day 30 -- where've you been, girl? Hiding under an Ozzy-shaped shadow? Welcome to the party! Have some cake! Things just aren't the same around Camp "Dabu" without King Ozzy. The eight remaining survivors have no water, no food, no sense of humor and no will to live. Just kidding! The girls are practically giddy as they stir up some bubbling stewy thing, and the men, as they should be at this point, are scared spitless. Just so you know, there are about a milliontijillion shots of spiders in this episode, which are meant to underline the diabolical evil of Girl Power exerting its will. So I'm guessing that 1) Jeff Probst is sulking about Ozzy and 2) the producers are all men.

Erik kisses up by saying the blindside worked, and even James (who's got a nasty-looking cut on his finger) says, "It was a good move." Amanda's not as happy, since she lost her tonsil-swabbing partner and says that Parvati and Cirie made her look like an idiot. Then she says, "Game on! Bring it on! Let's do this!" Any more clichés you could toss in there, sweetie? How about "Let's win one for the Gipper!"

Are they really re-working the credits every single week? That must cost a fortune; why not take that amount every week and infuse it into the Micronesian educational system instead? Survivor Gives Back!

Parvati comes up to James, looking to do some damage control. She flat-out tells him that she's planning to go to the F3 with "girls," which James says he'd pretty much figured out. "Sorry," she shrugs." James gets his own back, saying, "No, 'sorry' isn't what you mean. 'Ha ha' is what you mean." SO TRUE, James. Yes. Exactly. Parvati says she doesn't want it to be awkward between them, but James is like, "Oh, it's gonna be awkward." Hee! Parvati tries to spin it as James never believing she could pull off a plan, but he smacks that down, too, interviewing, "She's not stupid, she's selfish." Then he gets into this big philosophical thing about she's an "apple chewer" -- a reference to Eve and the temptation of Adam -- but he loses me a little bit, so I'll just say James is soooooo over Parvati, and it was a thing of beauty watching him deconstruct her so precisely.

From James, Parvati moves on to Amanda, who's pretending that she's okay with everything because she doesn't want to be next on Parvati's list. She says Parvati's basically running the show, even getting Cirie to do her bidding (which we all know isn't the easiest thing in the world). She confirms that the F3 will be her, Parvati and Cirie, but I'm not sure she believes it.

The Reward Challenge is that annual torture-fest called the Survivor Auction. Each tribe member has $500 to bid on items. In a switch-up, neither money nor items can be shared this go-round. Covered tray after covered tray gets purchased: Cirie gets a hot dog and fries for $120, Erik trades Covered Tray #1 (which turns out to be a jar of raw octopus) for Covered Tray #2, and for $80 gets a HUGE platter of nachos. Natalie coolly coughs up $240 for what turns out to be a bowl of fruit-bat soup, and it may be that disappointment that turns her from Retiring Flower into Miss Ruthless. If so, good one, show! James happily takes the fruit-bat soup off her hands and digs in. *gag* Jeff brings out PB&J and Amanda happily spends $280 on it. Always a good move to bid big on something you can actually see!

Natalie's next $240 winning bid buys her a bottle with a note in it that tells her to choose one person to go to Exile Island…and she gets all of that person's money. Natalie cleverly asks Jeff if another Hidden Immunity Idol is in play, since Ozzy didn't end up using the last one. Why, yes, as a matter of fact, a whole new set of clues has gone out, and a new Idol is hidden. Would Jeff have mentioned it if Natalie hadn't asked? Hmmmmm. Score one for Natalie! After a minute, Natalie chooses Jason to go. He's got his entire $500 to hand over and, it turns out, he's as malleable as Play-Doh in dear Natalie's hands. Jeff sends him off after snotting, "This time maybe you'll get a real one." You know who I'd like to see play Survivor? Jeff Freakin' Probst. Let's see how you do with fruit-bat soup, rat shit and thunderstorms, bucko.

After Jason leaves, Natalie spends her newly gotten gains -- $380 worth -- on a covered tray that turns out to hold….A GIGANTIC CHOCOLATE CAKE. I think Natalie has an orgasm right there on the forest floor. It comes with another "layer" -- a note saying she can choose three people to share the cake with, and they'll have sixty seconds to eat as much of it as they can. She chooses Cirie, Parvati and Alexis, then holds up her finger and says, "Okay, seriously, don't hog the cake. I haven't had any food. I'm a little aggro right now." Then she grins, and an inch-deep dimple appears in her cheek, and suddenly I have a new favorite player!

What follows is food porn, as the four girls basically have group sex with that goddamn cake. There's moaning, there's stuffing, there's licking, and after the sixty seconds are up, Erik pays Cirie $40 to lick the frosting off her fingers. *gulp* Oh, there are soooo many places I could go with this, but all of them imply that Cirie is a hooker (which she's not) and that Erik's a john (when he's so obviously just an Erik). It's actually sort of horrifyingly innocent, despite the fact that after fellating her fingers, he goes on to lick her palms and closes his eyes in a very Erik Does Micronesia fashion. I think he'll watch it back and realize that he looks more like a puppy getting scraps at the table than a 22-year-old man licking frosting off a woman's fingers.

Natalie starts to rev up in an interview where she repeatedly refers to Jason as a "bitch." Part of me knows I should be taking her to task for that, but it's so funny to see her explode out of her shell and show us who she really is that it just makes me laugh. It helps that it's true. Alexis says that when Jason gets back from Exile Island, she wants to check his bag, to see if he found the idol.

Meanwhile, over on Exile Island, Jason finds the REAL Hidden Immunity Idol, saving me from having to add quotation marks all the time. When he sees what the real one looks like, he has the sense to be slightly abashed about the STICK he found earlier.

Back at camp, the girls are hatching Plan A, with Plans B and C tucked in their buffs if they need them. Natalie's going to tell Jason he's got to let one of the girls win the Immunity Challenge. Worst case scenario, he ends up playing the Idol if he has it, and then it's out. Best case, he ends up blind-sided just like Ozzy. She says Jason thinks she's warming up to him, but she's not. Then she flashes her dimple again. Heeeeee!

Day 30, "Dabu" camp. James and Erik pick up tree-mail while Erik tells us it's his 22nd birthday. Happy Birthday, baby! Erik says they've figured out that now it's "boy versus girl." Then he says, "I really need to get ferocious on this." What do you suppose ferocious looks like on Erik? Choosing a waffle cone over sugar? He reminds me of that lion cub when it saw its old trainers.

Natalie says that she wants Jason out, and if not Jason, then James. She says that however diabolical and blood-sucky women are, they're not evil enough to send Erik home on his birthday. Aww! What I'm really loving about Natalie is her self-awareness, and the fact that she's not taking any of it too seriously. I suppose that could all change, but at the moment, I'm finding her approach really refreshing. Go, Nat!

The Immunity Challenge heavily favors the men. Coincidence? I think not. The first part of the task requires throwing rocks at tiles to break them, releasing puzzle pieces. The first four to break their tiles then move on to dig out a key from the sand to open locks, releasing the puzzle pieces. The pieces make a wheel that goes on a winch that lowers planks that are then used to create a rope bridge. The first two to lower their planks move on to the final task -- going across the rope bridge, then some disks to a platform. First player to touch a pole on the platform wins immunity. Natalie leans in and whispers to Jason, "You have to let anyone but James win. James is going home tonight." Smart cookie, making it seem like the challenge is Jason's to control. He leans back in, licks her ear (oh, he doesn't, but you know he'd like to) and says he knew she sent him to Exile Island for a reason.

Given how far away the tiles seem to be, it's not too surprising that the four players to advance to the second round are James, Jason, Erik, and Amanda -- the four players with the most obvious upper-body strength. Amanda never does get into the challenge, since it's over while she's still digging for her key. Jason finds the key, but it's too late -- James and Erik have already unlocked, puzzled, winched and lowered the planks. For the final round, they take different approaches, and Erik's slow and steady beats James' fast and furious, though it's a near thing. But with a giant leap that thankfully does not leave any ribs exposed to the air, Erik wins! On his birthday! Awww! If only King Ozzy were there to see it! The girls give him a round of applause, surprising Jeff. Ah, Jeff. You have no idea what these diabolical evil women are capable of now that Natalie's awake. It doesn't appear that Jeff has any idea that Erik just did the girls' dirty work for them.

Gosh, I'm really, really enjoying this episode!

Parvati interviews that Plan A worked perfectly, and that the "Black Widow Brigade" is spinning the men until they don't know which way is up, then devouring them.

The only thing they do that I don't like is look through Jason's bag and find that he has the idol. I'm not sure why that bugs me, but it bugged me last time somebody did it, too. Given how cramped their living quarters are, some expectation of privacy for personal belongings seems the least they could ask. On the other hand, Jason, dude, how dumb are you? (Don't answer that) Toss the sucker in a bush or something! Natalie says Jason has no reason not to trust her, and sure enough, when she goes to talk to him, he earnestly tells her how glad he was that she kept her word about not voting for him at TC, and then TELLS her he found the Idol. *facepalm* He's all, "We can use it!" about it, and Natalie just nods and nods.

I can't really describe the difference between Natalie's shenanigans and Parvati's. Maybe I'm bringing some prejudice against Parvati from her previous outing, I don't know. Natalie's just so gosh-darn good-natured about owning up to being a stone-cold bitch, ruthless and enjoying every single minute of her ruthlessness, including her gestures as she describes "flossing my teeth with his jugular." BWAH!  It's the grins after she says this stuff that gets me, every time. She says she's having a lot more fun now. Me, too, Natalie, you diabolical wench!

The mood shifts a little as we get to Tribal Council. Jeff Probst is pissed that Ozzy's gone; you can tell by looking at him. You know who's even more pissed? Ozzy, who slouches his way in and gives the remaining tribe members the finger as he passes. Classy. I really wouldn't have thought that Ozzy would be a bad sport, but given his sullen, arms-crossed, sneery 'tude throughout, it's hard to call him anything else. Ozzy, hon, you were outplayed, outwitted, and certainly outlasted. Your lapdog stayed longer.

Jeff's questioning brings out a few things, like James saying, "The social butterflies have done their work," admitting that his social game isn't that great, and that he's frustrated. He also outs Parvati as the orchestrator of Ozzy's ouster, which seems to surprise Ozzy. Cirie played a role, too, but yeah, Parvati was the ringleader. Jason says he thinks his social standing really did increase when he bailed on the challenge so his tribe mates could have donuts. He admits that Exile Island can either be seen as a sentence or an opportunity.

Time to vote: James votes for Parvati, which means there won't be a tie, anyway. When Jeff comes back with the votes, he says if anyone has the Hidden Immunity Idol, now's the time to play it. Oh, shit. Are they really going to get away with this at back-to-back Tribal Councils???? SERIOUSLY? How dumb are these guys, that they don't freakin' LEARN? Oh. My. God. James is shitting a brick in the corner, waiting it out, but Jason just sits there like a lump on a socially awkward log, and then it's TOO LATE. *cackles*

The vote goes down like this: 1 for Parvati, 3 for James and 4 for Jason and he's outta there, the second man in a row ousted with a Hidden Immunity Idol stuck in his pocket. Holy shit! HA! Jeff dismisses the tribe, saying James needs to stay so that Medical can look at his finger. Oh, man. I hope they can fix him up -- it would be a real shame if a big strong guy like that got taken out by a boo-boo on his finger!

I don't know about you, but I found that episode immensely satisfying. It makes me want to go spin something around until it doesn't know which way is up and then devour it. Hmmm, I think I'll go get some chocolate cake.