Smallville: Sleeper (Episode 717)

Par-TAY. At an upscale night club, the steadi-cam slinks through a crowd of meticulously choreographed extras to an air vent over the bar, where CGI takes over we travel through the maze of aluminum tunnels to find -- a masked man! Masked Man pauses to peer through a vent beneath him. In the hallway below, another dude with an air of Security walks past, carrying a silver briefcase. Masked Man opens the vent and drops silently onto the floor, then catches up to Security Dude and tasers his ass. Taking up the briefcase, Masked Man switches on a laser beam, which he aims at Security Dude's unconscious eyeball.

I hope Security Dude's insurance covers vision, is all I'm sayin'.

This unlocks the briefcase, in which there is a small computer. Masked Man sets up his iPhone-like device next to the computer, remotely downloading its files. Then he heads for the elevator, presses the emergency stop, and unzips his black coveralls to reveal a tux underneath. As he presses the button again, the elevator lights reveal that our Masked Man is in fact: Olsen. James Olsen.

After the credits, we back up 14 hours to watch the "suave" James Olsen clumsily prepare an extravagant breakfast. Chloe enters from the bedroom, somehow surprised at the completed spread, even though this is a studio apartment. She apologizes that she can't stay, as she's late for a meeting. Jimmy protests that "you can't reheat this stuff" and "it's never as good the second time." Nice, writers. Chloe tries to excuse her apparent lack of investment in their relationship with having had to run the ISIS Foundation in Lana's stead, and promises to take him to lunch.

Across the street, a woman with tiny binoculars watches a disappointed Jimmy through the window.

At ISIS, Clark arrives to find Chloe working at the computer. Many boxes litter the floor, which Chloe explains are full of equipment belonging to Oliver Queen's merry band of superheroes. Personally, I'd have used his empty penthouse to store stuff. Or any number of secure vaults I'm sure he has access to. Or your friendly neighborhood U-Haul storage facility. Or -- ah, fuck it, plot device, moving on.

Chloe wants to know if Clark has gotten the Veritas keys away from Lex yet, but Clark has been busy mooning over catatonic Lana and obsessing about how to save her. Chloe wisely contends that if Lex gets his hands on whatever those keys open, he'll have control over Clark, and then there will be no saving Lana or anybody else. But Clark has tunnel vision: if Chloe has to break national security laws in order to find Kara and Brainiac, so be it. They agree to try hacking NASA satellite data ("with an Intel processor," Chloe snorts) to see if their flight trail disturbed the atmosphere somehow. Meanwhile, Chloe suggests Clark try a more low-tech approach and take another look at Dr. Swann's journal, in which he recorded all of Jor-El's original transmissions from Krypton.

At the Talon, Jimmy and Spy Lady reach for the cream at the same time, and he politely defers. She remarks that his hands are "strong, agile...perfect for hacking the NSA mainframe." That's way down on my list of things that strong, agile hands are perfect for, but to each her own, lady. Jimmy agrees with me, because he's all, "¿Qué?" Spy Lady identifies herself as Vanessa Webber of the Department of Homeland Domestic Security, and reminds him of the time he infiltrated the Starhawk firewall. Jimmy starts to tell her that that was Kara, not him, but clams up just in time. Anyway, they're not after him, but Chloe. Spy Lady thinks Chloe is a member of a terrorist sleeper cell, who has already compromised various government-subsidied programs. If Jimmy doesn't want to be sent to the cooler, he'll use Chloe's trust to find out what she's up to. Spy Lady passes him a briefcase full of Spy Gadgets.

Jimmy arrives at ISIS for lunch, but Chloe has forgotten their date, claiming that the stress of losing her job and moving her stuff into ISIS has kind of hijacked her life. Relieved to have an explanation for Chloe's strange behavior that doesn't involve espionage, Jimmy volunteers to help her unpack, but Chloe quickly cuts him off, inventing wildly that unpacking is a private thing. (I don't know who she thinks she's kidding anyway, what with the sheer number of boxes; there's no way she kept that much stuff at the Planet.) Just then Clark sends her a text saying he found something, and Chloe ducks out of lunch with Jimmy by claiming she has to meet with her building manager right away.

At Luthor mansion, Lex packs up his briefcase, glancing briefly at his embossed passport case: "Travel far, Son. -Dad." His pilot enters to tell him that there's a problem: the FAA has red-flagged Lex for travel.

Back at ISIS, Jimmy picks the lock on the office door and opens Lana's Inner Spy Sanctum uses his new spy gadgets. He uploads some SPYware, using far more keystrokes than probably necessary, but what do I know. Eventually he finds an access screen for the NSA. Things are not looking good for the girlfriend.

Chloe arrives at her Talon apartment to find Clark waiting with Dr. Swann's journal. He thrusts the book at her, pointing to an entry that he claims was not there the last time he pored through it. Chloe snorts that the entry didn't just "magically Rita Skeeter itself" into the journal -- hee -- but even weirder is the entry's translation: "Save Lana at Fortress." Given the entry's 1989 date, that's understandably odd. Clark thinks it's time to ask Jor-El directly what the hell is going on.

In the barn loft, Clark, extracts the hexagonal key to the Fortress from its literary hiding place just in time for Jimmy to arrive, complaining that he had to stop twice for directions. Has Jimmy seriously never been to Kent Farm before? How random. Anyway, Jimmy has this "friend" who's keeping a big secret involving "crazy skills," and after doing a little digging, Jimmy's a bit freaked out. Trying not to panic, Clark assures Jimmy that he can explain, but Jimmy interrupts, fretting that his friend isn't who "she" says she is.

Jimmy: "I mean, name me one good reason to lie to someone you supposedly care about."
Clark: (with awesome lack of hesitation) "To protect them."

Clark suggests Jimmy think about whether he really needs to know everything about "her," or whether knowing her heart should be enough to trust her. Awww.

After commercial, Clark goes to visit Dear Old Dad at Popsicle Palace, demanding to know what he did with Kara. In response, a staticky transmission clicks on. It's Kara, fading in and out, telling Clark that she sent the transmission about Lana, and that Brainiac wants to kill him. When Clark asks where she is, she reveals surprising news: she's on Krypton. Ah, so the Palace's spires of ice are actually great big radio antennae. Got it.

Back at ISIS, Chloe takes up the Gratuitous Keystrokes of Hackerdom, working on an access point for a building she believes has the satellite data they need. She finds an ad for tonight's opening of a night club in the same building, and leaves a voice mail for Clark giving him the skinny. As she packs her stuff to leave, a warning pops up on her screen: someone has hacked into her computer and is downloading her files. She does an IP track, and sure enough, it's Jimmy.

Jimmy meets Spy Lady at a gas station, where he tries to tell her he didn't find anything on Chloe's computer, but Spy Lady tells him that Chloe will probably invite him to the opening of a bar called the Ace of Clubs tonight. She hands him a bowtie containing a fiberoptic camera, which he is to wear so Spy Lady can keep an eye on him. She instructs him to find out Chloe's target, and get it before she does.

And just like that, we're at the Ace of Clubs, and our heroes arrive dressed to the nines. Jimmy remarks cattily that he's surprised Chloe could pencil in an event like this, what with her schedule and all; Chloe smiles sweetly that they're lucky he could find a tux on such short notice. Oh snap. Chloe's phone chirps that she has a text, and she asks Jimmy to get her a drink. As he does, she pretends not to notice him watching her.

Jimmy returns with champagne, "stealthily" sets his iPhone-ish cloning device next to Chloe's cell phone, and insists they dance. What? You can't have a True Lies homage without an unrealistically skilled (and hot) tango between spies.

Chloe Schwarzenegger and Jimmy Lee Curtis

When the song ends, so does the upload, and Jimmy invents that he forgot to give the valet his keys. As soon as he leaves, Chloe does as well, heading up the elevator and leaving her purse and cell phone on the table. Oh, Chlo-ster. I know you're mad, but don't get sloppy!

Chloe lets herself into the satellite surveillance room and begins to work her magic. Jimmy, meanwhile, crawls through the vent tunnels in his Masked Man attire, following the signal from Security Dude's briefcase. His drop-in on Security Dude is intercut with more Gratuitous Key Strokage from Chloe, until she finds the flight trajectory she's looking for.

Back out on the club floor, newly re-tuxed Jimmy finds Spy Lady out on the balcony. He hands her his cloning device, and Spy Lady is unimpressed with what she finds on it: apparently Chloe figured out Jimmy was onto her, and lured him to "the most useless file on the drive." Spy Lady berates Jimmy for his failure, taunting that if Chloe trusted him as much as he trusts her, she wouldn't have to get hurt. As a Spy Crony grabs Jimmy, Spy Lady -- hereafter Evol Spy Lady -- smirks that prison might actually do their relationship some good.

Back in the satellite surveillance room, Chloe follows Kara and Brainiac's flight trajectory to a black-hole-like image that she e-mails to herself. Evol Spy Lady bursts in and places her under arrest. Meanwhile, Jimmy escapes from Spy Crony by stepping on his foot and shooting him with a sleep dart from his cufflink. Hee! Awesome.

Jimmy sneaks into the satellite room, where Evol Spy Lady has Chloe tied to a chair and is literally trying to beat information out of her. Jimmy hooks up his Gameboy to the surveillance screens, distracting Evol Spy Lady from doing Chloe in. Evol Spy Lady whups up on him but good until he dodges her high-heeled kick and then cold clocks her. Chloe is surprised to see him.

Both a little the worse for wear, they arrive back at Chloe's apartment, arguing to beat the band. Jimmy demands the truth, while Chloe accuses him of stealing from her. He claims that she can hardly blame him for wondering what the hell was going on, considering the kind of information she was hoarding.

Chloe: "Why didn't you just come to me, like a normal boyfriend?"
Jimmy: "Because a normal boyfriend doesn't get lied to every five minutes by the girl that he thinks he's in love with."

Ouch. On the other hand, Jimmy isn't going to let them break up so easily this time. Chloe figures they only have so much time before the feds find her anyway, so she invites him to ask whatever he wants. Jimmy plants one on her, and asks whether she wants that more than she wants Clark. Oh, man. Chloe smiles and kisses him back, and I sort of hesitate to note that that's not really an answer to the question. Jimmy is satisfied, though, and he adds that the feds won't be after them -- he's taken care of it. When Chloe asks how, he merely shrugs and says they both have their secrets. They then proceed to make sharp-dressed whoopie.

Zürich. I guess red flags don't stop a Luthor? Methinks a scene got cut somewhere, but then why include the first one at all? Anyway, a bank employee with a deep, almost robotic voice delivers a safety deposit box to Lex, and draws the curtains on his booth. Lex inserts his two keys and opens the box, which appears to be empty. It is revealed to have a false bottom, under which Lex finds a large metal card with five dials on it. He turns them until they align to illustrate the Veritas V and stars, and reveal the numbers 86 and 23 etched into the metal card.

Next week on LOST: Lex Luthor arrives on the Island and kidnaps baby Aaron, thinking he is the Traveler.

Just then, Lex sees in the card the reflection of someone behind him, and is able to get a hand up to prevent Robot Bank Employee from garroting him. Struggling, he knocks the employee over the head with the empty deposit box. The bleeding employee remarks that Lex isn't "one of them," before Lex delivers the final blow.

Some time later in his office at the Planet, Lex barks into his phone that the supposed bank employee wanted him dead, and orders someone to find out if the man had anything to do with "whatever [Lex is] dealing with in Quebec." I'm assuming the red flag originated from there? Anyway, as he hangs up, Jimmy comes to the door. It's revealed that Lex is the source of Chloe's get-out-of-jail-free card, at Jimmy's request. Jimmy asks why Lex is helping him. Personally, I think the question isn't so much that, as why Jimmy thought he would in the first place, but whatevs. Lex, predictably, waves it off as a favor to his Daily Planet "family," and expresses his confidence that Jimmy would do the same thing for him.

In the Kent barn, Clark -- oh hey, there's a character named Clark on this show! -- and Chloe discuss Kara's message from Krypton. Chloe: "Wait, Krypton's the planet that exploded, right?" Heh. She wonders if the vortex that Kara and Brainiac disappeared through might be a time portal: what if Kara really is on Krypton, but in the past? That explains how a "new" message from 1989 appeared in Swann's journal -- she was hoping Clark would read it. Clark recalls Kara's warning that Brainiac is trying to kill him, and wonders if that could mean the Professor is actually after him as a baby. Huh. Just when Kara was getting used to Clark the man, rather than Clark the infant. Chloe suggests Clark find a way to get back to Krypton lickety split, before Brainiac wipes out his entire existence.

Who says you can never go home?