America's Next Top Model: We Are Spartans! (Episode 1011)

Katar-something Polish talks about how she lacks a personality. We get one of those patented "Fatima is a c*nt" moments when she starts criticizing people. For real, she's either psychotic or very, very dumb. Or evil. Ok, she could be many things and all of them are negatives. I personally think that her tact was located in her clit and that went bye-bye, so there.

Fatima goes on about how Katar-something Polish should be behind a desk in an office, and how dull she is. She must have gotten behind on her twat time when she was sick so she's really catching up. Anya reads the Tyra Mail in her accent that no one can place and it's about poles or something? Do they mean Katar-something Polish? Anya can't understand it and it's driving her insane. She feels things deeply. She's so kind of black and white about her emotions. She's happy or sad, sane or insane, grateful or bitter. She's uncomplicated and I like that about her. It's her simplicity that does it for me.

The girls go to some ancient ruins of a coliseum-type area, and Whitney is narrating with her hair all blown out and it looks like someone didn't wear her helmet on the Vespa. Gladiators are fighting. Whitney finds it awesome. Fatima isn't a violent person unless it involves words. We meet Alex Mariotti, who is swathed in spandex and looking really, really good. He's a fight instructor and he's here to teach them...oh who gives a shit, is he wearing the Underarmour shorts as well?

Dominique has an actual genuine moment when she expresses her wish to fight Whitney, and then says she's just joking and that she has nothing against her. But then she rolls her eyes. LIES! We caught your signal. No need to negate your feelings! It's ok to be truthful; Dom. Whitney's the kind of girl you want to go after with a trident, we know.

I could watch Alex do sword-fighting moves in his spandex shirt for days. It's about time we had some guys on this mess. Dominique is yelling about being teamed up with Fatima and how she doesn't learn anything and it only hurts her. Are we even at a challenge yet? Who is she yelling at? Settle down, Dom! Anger ages you. And more lines are the last things you need right now. You've got plenty.

Fatima's getting all her aggressions on out Dominique and tells us that she was thinking, "go home, bitch!" Stupid and dangerous is a scary combo. Dominique's nervous laughter pains me. The Jays are here. Mr. Jay's orange leather jacket is sending me into Orange Julius shivers. The girls are all dolled up like Maximus' trannie cousins and suddenly it's a photo shoot. Can we just have Alex run around in his active wear?

By the way? That farmer show looks adorable. People have never seen chickens? Rubenesque uppity bitches are mad about having to milk goats? The CW is so crazy! Bitches on tractors!

Back to the coliseum, the girls are fighting some crazy bastard. Whitney's gladiator boobs are kickin'! Ms. Jay keeps saying how it's a PHOTO. CHALLENGE. Ok, they get it. Anya and Katar-something Polish are skinny minnies. Whitney's an actual gladiator. She's a big girl, and giving her a sword is inviting tragedy if you then take a Hostess Cupcake away from her. Dominique gives Whitney props for her shoot. They've swept her hair off her face and they need to reverse that maneuver. I'm trying to focus on the ornamental snake they put around her neck.

Fatima is scared of the big gladiator. And you were so big and tough when it was Dominique! Mr. Jay tries to correct her posing but she ignores him. She's not that bright. Ooh, there's Alex in a tight t-shirt! Hi Alex! Dominique gives actual poses. She looks like she's in the wrong movie. Even Alex gives her the side-eye.

Anya did it right. Katar-something was weighed down by her sword. The Jays know better than to criticize Whitney because she can smite them. Fatima got it all sorts of wrong. Dominique's face was "really pretty" (*ahem*) but she got the instructions wrong. The winner gets 1000 Euro, but can pick a friend to split it. If she wants. Whitney wins and she's taking Anya.

Anya is SO HAPPY. SO VERY HAPPY. She should be allowed to go to Narnia. She's a Narnia-type chick. The next day, the girls go to a castle and meet Mr. Jay. The girls are going to re-enact the Renaissance. And it means dressing like Siouxsie Soux! There are some dumb looks here. Tyra's taking the photos. Oh, Christ. You're no one's "momma", Tyra. The only thing you're giving birth to is fashion.

Ooh, here's Saleisha! And she got hired! Well, by one designer. I think the runway show took place in a Wendy's. Still, it's a job! Tyra is wearing those Mom jeans that look like denim diapers. She's lying on pillows to take photos because she's a REAL PHOTOGRAPHER. She's sort of dressed like a dominatrix riding instructor today. Katar-something Polish isn't giving enough "exaggeration." So Tyra whips into some spin moves to show her. Thanks, Ty. That wig Katar-something is wearing would cause anyone's hyperbole abilities to vanish. That's some ugly wig!

Tyra and Mr. Jay talk about how Katar (I'm sticking with that from now) brings back the Bangles in her Egyptian poses. All the old paintings on the tomb, they do the sun dance don't ya know? Dominique comes out looking like Cruella Deville and Mr. Jay tells her to fight against it. He tells her she looks great, but Tyra's face tells another type of story.

Dominique acknowledges that she has to nail it this week because her commercial sucked. She's so aggressive in her missives to us. Back out of the camera. Tyra and Mr. Jay thought she did really well. Of course she takes that backstage and tells everyone, including the tourist who thought there was some kind of show going on and just kinda wandered back there with his Nikon and his kids and his wife who's having an affair with his law partner. Girls start getting nasty when Dominique exclaims, "I'm a real high fashion model! And Tyra took my pictures!" Can I get that in a ring tone?

Fatima says that Dominique isn't her competition because she doesn't look like a model. She doesn't look like a bobble head with eczema either but you're still here! Fatima nails it, too. Tyra imitates Fatima by lying all over Mr. Jay and he freezes like she might found out he's wearing panties. He also looks like "get this heffa off me."

Whitney isn't nervous to shoot with Tyra because she takes direction. Uh uh. Tyra says she was "pretty" (almost disdainfully as if pretty doesn't cut it anymore) but it wasn't "high fashion." I'm starting to think high fashion is osteoporosis. Whitney didn't get a Tyra hug. Anya looks like a Strawberry Shortcake villain. Tyra slides down Mr. Jay's leg to demonstrate some girls' backslide. Fatima says that she wants to be hated. Congrats, you did it. Anya says that Tyra only liked Dominique and Fatima almost chokes on her goat's milk or whatever that is.

Girls show up for judging and Tyra speaks French. Tyra's been drinking from Paula Abdul's Coke cup over at American Idol. Tyra's using a variety of accents. Seriously, what the eff was she drinking. Paulina has to kiss Tyra's photographer ass. Anya's Sour Grapes character did it up right. Tyra says she was very nervous doing pictures inside with artificial light for the first time. Paulina makes a bid for Tyra's job here at ANTM and tells her to go take pictures. Get it, Paulie!

Ms. Jay loves Fatima's lack of spine in her photos. He LOVES when models look like they've had spinal injuries. Paulina asserts her high self-esteem by saying she knows that a picture was good if she's jealous and wishes it had been her. Which means she thinks she's the model to end all models. I knew it. Tyra threatens to shoot Paulina. I love the implied hatred. Dominique is wearing this off-the-shoulder tube dress thingy with stretch pants and it's all sorts of wrong. The judges concur.

By the way? Dominique is missing a tooth. I should probably devote a whole paragraph to the audacity of coming on TOP MODEL missing teeth, but I don't think I have it in me. Models should only be lacking teeth if they're advertising moonshine, chaw or illustrating the dangers of drugs in a PSA. For real. There's a TOOTH MISSING. I guess I had it in me. Anyway, she still nailed her photo and Tyra thinks that she made her into a damn fool because she really thought she wasn't high fashion. Tyra, you were a damn fool anyway! We saw that episode of your talk show with the bikini problem! Ass.

Katar is up. She's still not pushing it a step further. And I'm thinking she's going home after this. Paulina is giving posing tips to Whitney! Posing tips that Tyra should be giving! She is so gunning for this job. Ric Ocasek is not bringing in the chickens, it seems.

Judges judge. Nigel doesn't love Anya. But he certainly want to bang Whitney. The bigger the cushion....ok, I'll stop. Nigel HATES Dominique and thinks she's a gameshow. Tyra finds Fatima's face to be damn-friggin'-insane. Really? Tyra and Paulina are now flirting. Paulina acknowledges that she wants models to be dumb. Well, she came to the right place. Pull up a chair, Paulie!

It's down to Katar and Whitney. Whitney strides forward like "I don't give a crap if they axe me! I'm still powerful and can outeat you!" Tyra says she feels maternal to both of them. Like hell. You don't give your children swords and conflicting advice! Ok, well, not swords. Whitney's trying not to break as Tyra tears them down. Katar's out. Bye bye, girl. I'm sorry I never spelled out your name. Katar's very demure, and she's learned a lot. The usual. She doesn't cry, though. So props.

Next - Dominique's getting on people's nerves.