Doctor Who: Fires of Pompeii (Episode 402/3102)

Donna: What, and you’re in charge?
Doctor: TARDIS, Time Lord, yeah.
Donna: Donna, human no!

We open in 79AD, in what the Doctor says is ancient Rome. Donna’s all squee-ish while exclaiming “It’s so, Roman!” (as opposed to what Russian? Romanian? Rwandan?) and even hugging is involved.

While she knows all about the TARDIS being bigger on the inside, she has no clue about the translation circuit and thinks the Doctor’s taken her to Epcot. Hee! The idea of the Doctor and Mickey Mouse hugging one another is infinitely entertaining.

Thus Donna, who is extremely adventurous, decides to find out what happens if she speaks actual Latin to a street vendor. Apparently, speaking the actual language makes you sound like RTD’s Welsh Pride Celtic, aka, Welsh.

While the Doctor and Donna wander around Rome (which is like SoHo, apparently, only bigger) he brags about having been there before, and, perhaps, having something to do with the big fire. Nice one there, Doctor. As he really wants to play tourist this time, he’s too keen on finding the Coliseum and not observant enough to notice the very obvious, and beautifully costumed, woman following them.

Of course, they’re not in Rome, they’re in Pompeii, and from the rumblings of Vesuvius, it’s “Volcano Day.”

New Credits. Hey, it’s the same guy who did “Sleeper” for Torchwood! He’d better not make me cry again!

Well, considering he once thought he was in 1869 Florence when he was actually in Cardiff, at least he got the right country this time. I would also like to add that they actually filmed some of this in Italy, in the same studios where Rome was filmed. So, technically, they are in Rome, both literally and fictionally. It’s just that the Doctor, while he does meta, doesn’t do that much meta.

Obvious and beautifully costumed woman, makes her way to the temple of the obvious and beautifully costumed women. Apparently, they are the Sibylline and they have a prophecy about the arrival of “the Blue Box.”

As for the Doctor and Donna, they’re hightailing it back to the TARDIS, which, has disappeared. Disappeared, a word which here means, sold by the vendor who though Donna was Welsh. Is this some sort of hidden commentary about the treatment of the Welsh?

At least the vendor is forthcoming about the name of the buyer, Lucius Caecilius Iucundus, who was actually a real person. Since the guy’s name is way too long to type, I’m just going to call him LCI from now on, and no, that isn’t a Roman numeral joke. He’s obsessed with modern art, and thinks that what the TARDIS is. Well, it’s certainly a cultural icon, but I’m not too sure about modern art. He also has weird eating habits, as he asks for ants in honey or a dormouse. At least, I’m assuming he’s going to eat them unless he’s become the Damien Hirst of Pompeii.

His wife, Metella, is not amused, as she wanted to move to Rome, where her daughter, Evelina could be a Vestal Virgin. I don’t care how revered they are; it doesn’t sound like a fun job. As for his son, Quintus is a typical 16 year-old, rebellious teenager off in search of wine and women, who, they all believe, piss off the household gods and cause the house to shake. Have to love the quaint Roman traditions that blamed drunken boys for tremors, instead of geology.

The tremor sends everybody running to save the art, all except for Quintus, who looks like he wants to upchuck due to his killer hangover. After he apologizes to the “household gods” his father yells at him about where he was, I know it is mean, but I laugh.

The family’s main hobby is obviously social climbing, as Evelina has the gift of sight, and will soon have a beautiful red costume of her own, and the family is expecting an important guest. The problem is that Evelina has to suck in the smoke from the mountain in order to see anything. Yeah, that’s several thousand years before the warnings were heard.

Oh yeah, and Evelina keeps seeing this face of stone in the smoke. It really has nothing to do with prophesying as there really is a face of stone living under her house, but we’re supposed to believe it’s a vision, so just go along with it.

Back in the streets, the Doctor’s found where his TARDIS is being kept and Donna’s found a place where she can call together all the citizens and tell them to run for their lives. Come on, this is Donna Noble. No one can convince me for a minute that she can’t just yell from where she’s standing, and not be heard by everyone for miles, as long as she doesn’t try saying it in actual Latin. If she does, everyone will just think it’s Wales after a rowdy football match.

The Doctor tells her that no, they can’t save Pompeii but the Donna, after sassing the Doctor better than any companion before – hence the quote at the start of this recap – has better ideas. She’s not going to let some “spaceman” (which is the strangest cross between a term of endearment and swearing in the case of Donna Noble) tell her what to do.

Watching the argument is one of the beautifully costumed, who reports back that the Doctor called soothsayers “mad.” Speaking of mad, the sisterhood has found the prediction regarding the TARDIS. It says that when the blue box appears, everything will go to shit, which isn’t really a prediction, just a fact after 30 years of evidence.

The reverend mother, from behind the curtain, declares the prophecy to be wrong and that Pompeii will become the best thing ever, even better than Rome. She also demands that the disciples of the blue box die if they interfere. The ground quakes, proving to the sisters that she’s telling the truth. Umm, okay, you know, I didn’t need the creepy music here, I learned in childhood to never trust a voice from behind a curtain. They’re usually lying and extremely disappointing.

Back at the LCI household, a very important guest arrives.

The Doctor introduces himself as “Spartacus” and Donna is also “Spartacus.” Hell, for the rest of this episode, even I’ll rename myself theoriginalspartacus.

LCI mistakes them for married and then for brother and sister because they look so much alike. You can tell this was long before Mendel figured out his theories.

LCI is a marble seller, so, of course, Spartacus, using his psychic paper, becomes the marble inspector. Except, he doesn’t inspect any marble as he makes a beeline to the TARDIS and says “buyer beware” in actual Latin, thus continuing on the Welsh joke from earlier.

Donna is not having any of this bullshit and tries to warn the family to get out of town. The problem is that they don’t have a word for “Volcano” and won’t until after Vesuvius erupts. Great, the deaths of thousands caused by insufficient vocabulary. Donna wants the Doctor to do something, and won’t tolerate being shushed. Go Donna! I don’t know why I’m enjoying watching her put him in his place but she’s the only companion thus far in the series that can out out-shout ANGRY DOCTOR IS ANGRY by her mad SCREECHY DONNA IS SCREECHY skills.

Okay, now is a great time for the real guest of importance to arrive, Lucius Petrus Dextrus, the augur of Pompeii. His name is too long as well, so he’ll be LPD for the rest of this recap. One of his arms is obvious hidden in such a way that it screams out “WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY ARM?” complete with capslock. Next, he starts spouting such pearls of wisdom as “The birds are flying north, and the wind is in the west.” What about the little gem, “Only the grain of wheat knows where it will grow.” If this guy were alive in 2008, he’d be writing fortune cookie sayings.

Well, if there’s anyone that can say something almost incomprehensible yet meaningful, it’s the Doctor. After the two of them out-fortune cookie each other, the Doctor uses “status quo” thus confirming his Celtic origins for those in LCI’s house.

Just as Spartacus and Spartacus are about to make a quick exit, LCI reveals what LPD wants – a marble computer chip, or whatever it is, LPD claims he dreamt that up because he’s an augur.

“What’s that then, like the mayor?” Hee! In the midst of all her challenges of the Doctor, we get a reminder that Donna isn’t the cleverest companion, but she’s probably the toughest chick in the new Whoniverse

After the Doctor gives the reason for Donna’s lack of knowledge as that great continuity nod of her being from Barcelona, he explains to her that the augur is the ancient Roman equivalent of the news.

Thus begins the battle of the seers. Evelina throws down the gauntlet by being annoyed at how the Doctor sounds like he’s mocking the augur superstition. She also looks pretty gaunt (as Quintus points out).

Thus the war goes like this:

Of course, no matter what, LPD’s insulting views of the abilities for women means that he loses 5000 points for being a sexist asshole, no matter how historically accurate it may be.

After Evelina faints, Donna is shocked to learn that the girl has a “skin irritation” a phrase which here means, her arm is turning to stone! Duh duh dun!

As for the Doctor, he’s examining the heating system; the supposed hot springs from Vesuvius, making cracks about how the people of Pompeii are like those in San Francisco, and finding out all the soothsayers started telling the absolute truth 17 years ago after an earthquake. The problem is, while the soothsayers have been sucking in rock dust from Vesuvius, they all missed the big honking eruption tomorrow.

So, he bribes Quintus into taking him to LPD’s pad. Of course, when one is trying to fool someone who has a clear view of the future, one is always screwed. If that person has a bunch of marble computer chips, well, then one is totally fucked. Yes, when LPD declares he’s doing the gods’ bidding, I know he the one who will get it eventually. There are no gods on this show, other than a lonely god.

At LCI’s house, Donna is now in a beautiful, period dress and I think enough has been said in the fandom about Catherine Tate’s boobs, that there’s nothing I can add here that won’t turn into a lame mountain/Vesuvius/Twin Peaks joke.

As for Donna, besides the moment of anti-feminism about poor Evelina not getting a choice about her destiny, Donna finally warns her that Vesuvius is going to blow. Just like the Doctor predicted, Evelina thinks she’s mad. Plus, she has a direct link with the beautifully costumed sisterhood through the eyes on the back of her hands, so now they demand the death of the false prophet.

So while Donna’s been sentenced to death, the Doctor assembles the marble chips to make it an energy converter.

But LPD believes the Doctor is also insulting the gods so he orders the guards to be at arms. In order to escape, the Doctor thinks arms are a good idea.

If I were LPD, I’d be way more concerned about my arm turning to stone, but no, he gets more upset when the Doctor knocks over the marble chips and escapes. Wow, augurs may be able to see the future but they have some seriously screwy ideas about what’s really important. Thus, LPD begs the “lord” in the heating vent to destroy the Doctor.

Quintus realizes his sister is in danger of becoming the Venus de Milo but is then distracted by the very loud footsteps that are following them underground. Thus Quintus gets a taste of what it’s like to be a companion, as the pair haul ass through the streets of Pompeii, trying to outrun whatever it is, all the way back to LCI’s home, confusing the family.

The being bursts out from under the grate where Evelina sucks her mountain dust. I have to admit, I’m a wee bit confused as it looks like the 80’s version of Optimus Prime, just carved out of stone. I just dated myself didn’t I?

The ancient Romans are all “OMG” (literally) while the Doctor tries to reason with it and Quintus destroys it by dousing the rocky-fiery beast with water. It’s a quick moment of excitement, but something else occurred. While the Doctor was busy with the beast –

It takes about a minute to notice Donna is missing, but I thought the silence would’ve been a clue.

Speaking of silence, there isn’t any while Donna is offended at the idea of being sacrificed. I say offended because she doesn’t really sound upset by all this. Just as the priestess is about to keep her quiet forever, the Doctor comments, “That’ll be the day.”

The Doctor dismisses the rules that the temple is only for women because, well after thirty years, we all know rules don’t apply to him. He then waxes on about the original Sibyl and how she could dance the Tarantella and had a crush on him. That’s now two random women to have a thing for him this series. Two random women and a million fangirls.

As for this religion, he thinks it’s rather twisted, which is the Whoniverse’s view of all religion, but before we can get into a dissertation on the evils of organized religion, the reverend mother, who sees “starlight” in his eyes, demands an audience with the Doctor. As for the Doctor, he never learned the lesson about looking behind the curtain.

In fact, like the reverend mother, all members of the sisterhood are turning to stone, before Pompeii became a world heritage site for doing so. The Doctor’s not done with looking behind the curtain though, as he demands to know what creature in inhabiting the woman, in accordance with the Shadow Proclamation. Ahh, the Shadow Proclamation, it’s always useful for the Doctor whenever he’s trying to identify a species.

At first the creature denies him so the Doctor pulls out his ANGRY DOCTOR IS ANGRY routine and we learn they’re Pyroviles. I think the name is supposed to be scary but it sounds more like a group of emo-rockers.

In order to escape with Donna, for the second time in one episode, the Doctor is armed.

At watergun point, the Pyrovile explains that the race fell to Earth and was reduced to dust. The Earthquake 17 years earlier woke them up. Unfortunately, the sisters’ psychic powers sink in and they realize the watergun won’t hurt them, but it does injure the reverend mother long enough for the Doctor and Donna to escape down the grate and into the Volcano.

“You fought her off with a water pistol? I bloody love you!” Donna exclaims. Hey, something Donna and I have in common! I love him too!

The reverend mother orders LPD to round up the troops, therefore, he’s off to the mountain with the cult of Vulcan. Wow, I hope they don’t live long and prosper.

In LCI’s home, Evelina, who reminds me more and more of House’s Cameron the more I see her, predicts that someone will have to make “the most terrible choice.”

Cut to the Doctor! Subtle foreshadowing there, eh? On a side note, I love how they’re wandering through a volcano but we can see their breath. Somebody in editing missed that one. So foreshadowing is in and obvious flubs are out?

He’s explaining to Donna that Pompeii is a fixed point in time. I equate it to the “fact” that is better known as Captain Jack Harkness. Pompeii can’t be altered. Unlike Jack, it can’t use Botox. “Some things are fixed and some things are in flux. Pompeii is fixed,” the Doctor insists.

“How do you know which is which?” Donna asks. The answer is simple.

The Doctor tries to claim he can see everything. Oh Doctor, what does this episode teach us about soothsayers, and while we’re at it, then how did you miss Rose?

Donna’s more tenacious than to accept his whole “I’m a Time Lord” spiel. She asks how many died. She asks if he can see every one of them. She asks if it’s all right. In short, she’s asking if he can be as certain about what he “knows” as the soothsayers.

Before the Doctor can answer, he realizes they have company and they continue through the mountain.

LPD and the cult of Vulcan make their way up the mountain and present the marble chips to the Pyroviles.

Deep inside Vesuvius, a bunch of Pyroviles have made a nice, toasty home, complete with convenient escape pod / prison ship / gene bank that looks pretty safe to hide in. Which they need when LPD starts screaming “burn them!” What are they now, witches?

This time though, the water pistol does little other than cause enough of a distraction to allow them to get to the escape pod / prison ship / gene bank but the Doctor an Donna still want an explanation for this bullshit.

Pyrovillia was “lost” and they plan to take over the world. Personally, if they were so careless to lose the last one, I don’t think they’re responsible enough to look after this one. When the Doctor points out the Earth’s problem with the oceans / great lakes / ponds / puddles two feet deep after two fricking days of rainstorms in my backyard, LPD ominously announces “water can boil.” Talk about your global warming.

With Earth in danger, that means the Doctor can destroy the Pyroviles without looking like a bad guy. Since the audience is probably 98% human (except for all those aliens living in Cardiff) we can be biased and prefer our home planet.

The escape pod / prison ship / gene bank along with the marble chips are meant to use the power of the volcano to turn everyone into a Pyrovile. Because they’re using up all the energy, there won’t be an eruption, and only the power of an eruption can destroy the colony of Pyroviles. He has to make a choice, the people of Pompeii or the people of the world. Thus comes a difficult realization.

Also, while the volcano might kill the Pyroviles, it might also take the Doctor and Donna with them. We’re supposed to be concerned, but I know David Tennant they’re both in the next episode, so it’s really just an excuse to prove that Catherine Tate can do quiet drama. She tears up while insisting that they are irrelevant in comparison to saving the whole world. Even the Doctor pauses before activating the volcano.

You know, over a year ago, Donna was right; the Doctor does need someone but originally. She said he needed someone to stop him. This time, he needs someone to help make it happen.

As soon as the Doctor presses the lever needed to start the eruption, all the soothsayers sudden see what they’ve been missing – that it’s Volcano Day.

The escape pod / prison ship / gene bank is expelled from Vesuvius, and lands far enough away to let the Doctor and Donna outrun the lava while the rest of Pompeii panics. There’s lots of dramatic music, camera shaking and screaming, but to get yourself emotionally involved with the multitude of people would be impossible as we all know what will become of them. Even as the sisterhood of the beautiful costumes, screams in betrayal, one of the sisters says it best, “And yet this was meant to be.”

The Doctor agrees with me, but Donna can’t. She yells at the citizens not to go to the beach, where certain death awaits, but to the hills. She tries to save one lone child, but he is snatched form her grasp. Momentarily, she freezes, appalled at the death and destruction surrounding her, until the Doctor grasps her hand urging her forward.

In LCI’s household, it is too much for Donna. LCI pleads for the Doctor to save his family and for Donna, who knows everyone she saw in the streets will die, coming face to face with the ones she knows, only when she’s spurred by the sound of the TARDIS, does self-preservation kick in.

And LCI and his family are left to die, with little comfort.

Donna insists that they go back and rescue the family because “it isn’t fair.” Donna, nothing in the Whoniverse is really fair. It isn’t fair that his planet burned. It isn’t fair the Master was John Simm and we won’t get to see him again. It isn’t fair we lost Rose and the writers didn’t know what to do with Martha. It isn’t fair that Tosh died and Owen died twice. Essentially, life both truth or fiction, isn’t fair and saving one person, Donna, is just cathartic for you. It really doesn’t balance anything. Although, I would like to add, Catherine Tate sells this scene like nobody's business.

On the other hand, we have learned that the Doctor can be emotionally swayed by the pleas of his companion, thus he heads back for LCI and his family.

On a hillside, the family watches as Pompeii is destroyed. The Doctor’s assurances that everyone will remember Pompeii and LCI are really hollow when face to face with that scale of destruction. Plus, to tack on that he doesn’t want them to mention he was ever there, is a bit humourous and tactless at the same time. As for Evelina, she no longer has the gift of sight. The explosion stopped it. Finally, the citizens of Pompeii have a new word added to their vocabulary. That’s a hell of a way to get it.

Quietly, the Doctor and Donna slip away back to the TARDIS, where he finally admits she was right the first time they met; sometimes he does need someone. “Welcome aboard,” he adds.

6 months later, LCI and his family are living in Rome. LCI is hoping for the contract for the marble at Alexandria. The children’s roles reversed, as Evelina is now wearing short togas and seeing boys. I’m guessing we’ll have to cross Vestal Virgin off her list of potential career choices. As for Quintus, he’s studying to become a Doctor, and willfully thanking his household gods.

And that is all from theoriginalspartacus. Next week, theoriginalspy discovers how many puns she can make with the word “Ood.” I know what you're all thinking, ooo, Ood!