Smallville: Apocalypse (Episode 718)

Ah, it becomes clear why Clark was only in about five scenes last week: Tom Welling directed this episode, which means he was probably prepping it during the previous episode's filming. I'd say Welling's time in the director's chair over the last three seasons is a good investment, in case his eight years playing Clark (by the time this series ends) leaves casting directors unable to see him as anyone else. A bit short-sighted of them, to be sure, but that's why it's good that our hero has super-peepers.

Anyway, the episode. Clark sits in the barn loft, glumly examining Swann's journal. Chloe arrives, and Clark reads her a new S.O.S. from Kara telling him to get his ass to Krypton, circa 1989, before Brainiac ensures that the planet explodes with baby Kal-El still on it. Which, by the way, will happen any minute. Clark surprises Chloe (but no one else, really) by announcing that he has no intention of going. In his view, all the evil he's brought with him to earth -- meteor freaks, phantoms, Brainiac -- could be prevented if he had never come.

Wait -- you're saying we could've skipped that episode with the dude who vibrated people to death?!?

Ah, vanity. The meteor shower from Krypton's explosion would have happened whether Clark came with it or not, and I suspect Brainiac would have come on his own, since earth seems to have been in Kryptonian sights long before Clark was born. But underestimating his own importance has never been a problem for this mild-mannered farmboy.

Chloe, nearing panic, tries to tell him that the world needs him -- that she needs him -- and she presses the key to the Fortress into his hand. Clark asserts that this planet would have been better off without him, and suddenly the key lights up, encasing him in a storm of liquid illumination. Tom acts the shit out of this moment, as panic, fear, and a desperation to speak flit across his face, and he finally settles on a kind of sad peace.

And then he finds himself lying on the barn floor in the dark, alone. He looks around, confused, until a blonde kid wearing a Smallville High letter jacket demands to know what he's doing there. Clark asks who he is, and the blonde kid identifies himself as Clark Kent.

Oh.

Look, dude, when a woman feels her biological clock ticking, she's not gonna wait around from some kid to fall from the sky.

Clark high-tails it into the kitchen, where he finds a photograph of Jonathan and Martha with a badly photoshopped Blonde Clark. He starts yelling for his dad, but Blonde Clark, who is home alone, threatens to call the sheriff if Clark doesn't get the hell out of there. Clark mutters wonderingly about how he could be here if he never existed -- clue number one, dude -- but since he is here, is Lana okay? Blonde Clark has no idea who Lana is, and Clark asks to borrow the phone book.

In town, Clark spies Chloe and a cute guy exiting a store. Her companion excuses himself to retrieve something he forgot, and Clark approaches Chloe. She doesn't remember him, obviously, but Clark wonders if the once-editor of the Torch might lend her investigative powers to helping him find Lana Lang, who isn't in the phone book. Chloe, who remembers Lana only as "the cheerleader," admits that Lana fell off her radar right after graduation. No need to brag, Chloe. Many of us wish we could say the same.

Chloe's companion returns, and Chloe introduces him as her fiancé. He isn't named, but TV Guide tells me the character is called George Dean, after former TV Supermen George Reeves and Dean Cain. Aww. Clark is pleasantly surprised, and wishes Chloe happiness.

At the Planet, Jimmy surveys the bullpen through his camera lens, a nice nod to the character's introduction in the original Superman movie. Clark interrupts by complimenting Jimmy on his bow-tie. Jimmy says it was a present from an ex-girlfriend, who broke his heart but left him with a sense of style. I can't tell if we're meant to laugh at that, but he's right. Rowr.

Nerd chic.

Anyhoo, Clark flatters Jimmy's photographer ego and asks whether the Planet's database could help him find his ex-girlfriend, Lana Lang. I love how "the Planet's database" has become synonymous with "the internet" on this show. Not at all creeped out that a perfect stranger is asking him for help with stalker duty, Jimmy does a search and learns that Lana studied art history at the Sorbonne, where she met a French dude, got hitched and squeezed out a couple of enfants. To Jimmy's surprise, Clark couldn't be happier.

He thanks Jimmy and turns to leave, only to run smack into someone, who is headed for a colossal wipe-out until Clark catches her. One hand behind her head in a romantic dip pose, Clark recognizes Lois. She flirts that he's "clumsy, but cute," and he hilariously disentangles himself right away. She hands Jimmy an envelope for "delivery" and continues to flirt with Clark until some G-men show up looking for Lois Lane. "That's what it says on my Pulitzer," Lois snits, and who should appear from among the men in black, but Kara, also dressed for success, her hair in a tight bun. She orders Lois's arrest for possession of government property, and when Clark tries to ask what the hell, she tells him to back off.

Jimmy glances nervously at his envelope and tells Clark that Lois must have done something serious if Linda Danvers, the head of the Department of Homeland Domestic Security came to collect her in person. (Another cool nod, this time to one of Supergirl's secret identities.) Clark wonders how she could get that job, and Jimmy, rather unnecessarily, answers in the most dramatic fashion possible:

...but apparently we'll waver on the age requirement for a United States President?

Clark is appalled, undoubtedly at Lex's bold fashion choices, but Jimmy points out that playing up the fear factor gets votes. Clark wants to know whether Lois's arrest had anything to do with Lex. Jimmy is beginning to get annoyed that Clark seems to care so much about Lois, and hurries into an office to destroy her envelope before it gets her (or him) into trouble. Clark rescues it and wants to know what it means.

Jimmy: "Oh, I guess you didn't get the memo that said, 'Why should I tell you?'"
Clark: *picks Jimmy up and slams him against a bookcase*
Jimmy: "That's -- that's a good answer."

Hee. Jimmy tells Clark to go to the Ace of Clubs and look for the suit at the end of the bar.

Which Clark does. I can't decide if I find it more amusing or annoying that Clark wears the same damn thing -- blue jeans, blue T-shirt, red jacket -- almost no matter where he goes, but it certainly sticks out when he's at a freaking night club. To his surprise, he finds a familiar face: it's Camille Mitchell, y'all! I miss her. Clark addresses her as Sheriff Adams, and she remarks that it's been a long time since she left Smallville. He drops the envelope in front of her and demands to know what happened to Lois. Not!Sheriff Adams reveals that she's FBI now, and Clark realizes she's Lois's informant. He presses her until she tells him where the DDS would have taken Lois.

Kind of a waste of a guest spot, but phrases like "I will hunt you down like a hen-house fox" make me really glad to see her anyway. Bye, Camille!

At some nondescript warehouse-type building, the G-men pull up and yank Lois out of the car. Before exiting into the building, Kara Linda orders them to lock Lois up and keep her away from everyone. Just then, though, a red-and-blue blur sends the G-men flying and scoops Lois up into its arms. Some distance away, Clark stops and asks her if she's okay. "Talk about sweeping a girl off her feet," Lois blushes, and Clark smiles back.

Mental note: keep handcuffs for later.

Later, Clark busts the lock on Jimmy's loft and lets Lois and himself inside. It's kind of cool that he's not hiding from her at all. I know it's because he figures it doesn't matter anymore, but I dig it. Lois brought him here to hide from the feds, and she shows Clark a video of Lex addressing the nation about being prepared to launch a counter-attack against the hostile presence of nuclear missiles withing striking distance of the U.S. Lois explains that the problem is that there are no enemy missiles, and that if Lex launches a pre-emptive strike, the enemy will certainly retaliate, and then everybody be dead.

In the background of the video, Clark spies Brainiac/Milton Fine, who is apparently Lex's chief of staff. He tells Lois that Fine must be behind it, as he's a machine. Lois: "He might come off a little stiff on Larry King, but you're saying he's an android?" Heh. Clark explains that he's the only one who can stop Fine, but Lois is going to have to trust him. She takes a deep breath and tells him that Lex has a press conference in Smallville -- naturally -- in 20 minutes, and that the only way to stop the launch is to get the briefcase that holds the attack codes. And to do that, Clark is gonna have to not "stick out like a red and blue thumb." Ha! Great minds, Lois.

She rifles through Jimmy's conveniently "about the same size" roommate's closet and pulls out a dark blue suit, and reluctantly leaves the room to let Clark change. She's just about to try and peek, though, when Clark emerges, fully changed, about 2 seconds later. Heh, busted. She covers by clipping her press badge to his jacket -- "If anyone asks, it's a typo. Your name's Louis." -- and stands back to admire the effect. Something's missing, she says.

...and the fangirl central nervous system explodes with joy.

Eeeee! This has got to be one of my all-time highs on Smallville, you guys. He even uses his middle finger to push the glasses up his nose! IT DOES NOT GET MORE AWESOME THAN THAT. Love letter to Christopher Reeve, right there.

Clark enters the press room with a bunch of other reporters and stands to the side, where he uses his superhearing to eavesdrop on Lex giving Kara Linda the what-for for letting Lois escape. She protests that Lex is like her brother and that she'll always be loyal; his true enemy is Milton Fine, who she believes has been manipulating Lex. She shows him Fine's memo authorizing the false missile reports. He burns it, angry that after Lionel basically treated Kara Linda like a daughter after finding her ship in Reeves Dam, she has the gall to question his judgment now. Fine enters to take Lex to the press conference, and he and Kara Linda stare daggers at each other.

She stalks through the hallway alone and runs into Clark, who addresses her as Kara. He reveals himself to be Kal-El, and she attacks, but he explains that Fine is Brainiac, and that they have to work together to stop him from completing his mission.

Lex enters his office and slowly spins the globe on his desk with his black-gloved right hand. Seriously, what is up with the Luke Skywalker routine? Was there some sort of hand injury of Lex's that I don't know about? (Oh, interesting: at one point in the comics, Lex made himself a kryptonite ring. It slowly poisoned his hand until the hand had to be removed, and from then on he had a mechanical replacement. I wonder if, for our purposes, this happened before or after he met Kara. Not that it'll ever matter, since this episode is pure fantasy and therefore not really canon -- oh, spoiler! -- but it's interesting to contemplate.)

Kara and Clark storm in. She explains that Clark is from Krypton, too, and that Fine has been pulling the strings that got Lex to this point in his life. Lex, sounding almost bored with their conspiracy theory, claims that sometimes things get so bad that it's best to start over: hence, the nuclear holocaust. When it's over, he and a select few brilliant minds will rebuild. With that, Lex whips around and shoots Clark in the abdomen -- a little close to the jewels, there, buddy -- and in the shoulder, with kryptonite bullets. Sorry the day has come when he needs to protect himself from her after all, he shoots Kara as well. It is now, after three shots have been fired in the President's office, that the Secret Service almost casually enter the room. Clearly Lex promoted these guys directly from his private security.

Fine orders them to krypto-handcuff Kara Linda and get her some medical attention. He ignores Clark and presents Lex with the briefcase. Lex enters the launch codes and gives the authorization to fire, while Clark screams from the floor for him to stop. Pleased, Fine tells Lex to head for Air Force One, which will take him to the bunker.

Lex gone, Fine takes up the gun and leans casually against the desk, confident that he will now complete his mission. Zod is apparently still alive in the Phantom Zone, and Brainiac will use Kara to free him. Then she and Lex (as Zod's vessel) will repopulate the earth with Kryptonians, muahaha. He points the gun straight at Clark's head and declares in a British accent: "You cannot change the course of history, Kal-El." And he fires.

But wait! The audience has just enough time to wonder if Marsters is revisiting Spike before realizing, hey -- that was Jor-El's voice! The blast from the gun morphs into the light encasing Clark in the barn, and Jor-El's voice continues, chastising Clark for questioning his Earth destiny. He was forced to respond by whipping up an intricate little AU. I'm telling you, guys, Jor-El is the ultimate fic-writer. He impresses upon Clark the importance of stopping Brainiac from altering history, then releases him from the light. Chloe throws her arms around him, and Clark declares that he has to get to Krypton before it's too late.

We have an awesome establishing shot of a red star, behind which the blue planet of Krypton is revealed -- again, in loving homage to the film.

Dear Tom Welling,

Please direct all episodes ever from here on out.

Love, Me.

On the surface of the crumbling planet, Brainiac sets the infant Kal-El into a basin and prepares to stab him. Kara struggles with him, but he tosses her away like a rag doll. Clark arrives, but Brainiac also handles him easily, reminding us that on Krypton, Clark and Kara are just regular people. He is about to deliver a killing blow, when Kara impales him from behind with a metallic spike. He hits the ground, and Kara yells for Clark to get the baby to the ship while she finishes off Brainiac. Clark carries his infant self to the ship, and they stare at each other a bit before he places himself inside. As if Clark needs one more thing to mess with his head. Kara, meanwhile, brains the maniacally-laughing Brainiac with a large hunk of rock. She seems to think this destroys him, but the long-time Smallville viewer doubts it. She calls to Clark that they need to get to the portal, post-haste.

Out in space, a wide shot of Krypton and its sun. As the tiny ship carrying baby Kal-El speeds into the foreground, the planet explodes. Awesome.

The next morning, Clark gets off the phone with a nurse and reports to Kara that Lana is actually worse. It seems that Brainiac's "death" didn't break his hold on her after all. Kara suggests re-opening the portal to Krypton, and maybe they can prevent the planet from exploding at all; but Clark has learned his lesson about trying to change history, lest you make things worse. Kara places her hand on his and assures him that no matter what the future holds, she'll be there for him. It's...kind of a strange moment, actually, and I'm left wondering if we should take her at face value there. Is she not herself? Is she Brainiac, maybe?

Clark goes out to the barn to find Lex in the loft. Lex wonders, since Clark was the last person to see Lana well, if Clark might be able to provide some clue to discovering what's wrong with her. The best medical minds in the world are at a loss, and describe her condition as "almost alien." Clark allows himself to be vulnerable long enough to ask whether they can do anything for her. The Lexentists have concluded that her condition is irreversible, and so he has come to see if there is anything Clark could add to help them discover the cause. After a long moment, Clark says there isn't, and we watch as both of them clearly consider how the distance between them is now so great that not even the threat of Lana's death can unite them.

That night at the Planet, Lois finds Clark at her computer, searching the Planet's database the internet for information on comas. She casts about for something to say that will make him feel better, since he was there for her when she hit bottom. He smiles sadly and says Lois is a good friend. Embarrassed, she breaks the tension by punching him on the arm and offering to buy him a beer. Surprised, Clark protests that he's not really a nightlife kinda guy, and Lois chooses to take that as a challenge. Heh.

Back at the farm, Kara tip-toes into the dark kitchen in her pajamas and grabs the milk bottle from the fridge. Just as she lifts it to her mouth, her head explodes with pain and she drops the bottle to the floor. Kara collapses among the shattered glass and stares, panting, into the darkness.

Seems a little extreme as a punishment for drinking straight from the bottle, but we'll go with it.

Next week, same super time, same super channel.