Family Guy - "Long John Peter" (Episode 612)

The Griffins are at the vet. Peter was complaining about the high cost of boarding Brian there and joked that it would be cheaper to put him up at the Holiday Inn. His joke got no response, well except for crickets - Adam West's pet cricket has restless legs syndrome. Brian is having some sort of tummy trouble. Peter is preoccupied watching a cat lick himself, which creeps him out. The cat just thinks he's jealous. Meg declares that she wants to be a vet, but Peter reminds her that she's destined to gain 150 pounds and write "Ugly Betty" fan fiction. Peter makes friends with a parrot in the waiting room. Peter steals the bird and replaces it on the perch with a puppy in a top hat and fake moustache. Brian comes out with the doctor. He's fine now, a dirty diaper he ate was obstructing his stomach. Brian says he thought it was Indian food. They go to check out with the doctor's intern, Anna, who is quite attractive. Chris falls in love when he sees her - and sings "Crazy for You." Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland are all at the Drunken Clam watching some bad rom-com about an overly busy businesswoman. Peter walks in with the parrot on his shoulder. The guys are excited to see the bird, who Peter has named Adrian Beaky. Joe says he looks like a pirate and they all think he should get a pirate name, peg leg, hook hand and pursue a life of piracy.

Chris wants to go back to the vet and see Anna. Lois says they'll go back when Brian gets sick again. Chris lifts Meg's shirt up, which makes Brian barf. Brian refuses to go back to the vet. Peter bursts through the door in full pirate regalia, accompanied by some rough looking characters. He's "Long John Peter" now. Long John Peter and his sea dogs commence to wreak havoc on Quahog, bursting through the window of the Goldman's Pharmacy, stealing Tucks medicated pads and firing a cannon all over the store for no reason. A man with sugar cane, tobacco and spices is driving to the seaport to get his goods delivered and is chased by Long John Peter in his car. The man isn't worried until he sees the pirate flag. The chase ensues and Peter and the man get into a sword fight and then resort to cannons. Peter boards the car and one of his cohorts manages to get the goods. There was a casualty in the fight, Peter's parrot. Peter said he screwed up worse than Disney did when it cast Michael J. Fox in a remake of "Zorro." Just imagine what the "Z" he left looked like. That was so wrong.

Back at the vet, Peter learns that the parrot is dead. Chris talks to Anna, who is charmed by him. She says she's sorry about Peter's loss, but Chris says he'll get over it and move on to the next wacky thing (in the background we hear that Peter has found a pipe organ.) Chris is psyched that they're having a conversation. She asks him out and gives her his phone number. Peter has destroyed the organ and finds the deed to a cattle ranch.

Chris is on a date with Anna at an Italian restaurant. She says she's always wanted to work with animals. Chris asks if she's ever had relations with any of the dogs. He's having a hard time relaxing. He wants to show Anna his inner self, but is afraid she won't like what she sees. Anna likes Chris just the way she is and gives him a kiss. He says when he's around a pretty girl he gets all excited like a kid who sees a toy commercial, which leads into a commercial for the "Best Thing Ever" - a mysterious, yet fun blob of colored goo. Back at the Clam, Chris comes up to the guys asking about the birds and bees. Joe says sex is perfectly natural. Chris was actually hoping to get advice from someone who could function below the waist. Joe was hurt and started to cry, which Peter recorded and set up as his new ringtone. Things are going well with Anna and Chris. She spilled a can of soda on the floor and Chris volunteered to clean up after her, which Peter told him he should never do. He said that if he treated Anna like a jerk, he'd be as cool as a mid 80s answering machine message (an awful rap.) Chris takes Anna to the movies and treats Anna horribly, which makes her cry and she says she never wants to see him again. Joe comes up to Chris with Bonnie to announce that they just had sex.

Chris tells Lois that he's devastaed that Anna "took a dump" on him. Lois suspected that Peter has something to do with it, saying it wasn't the first time he ruined a relationship - he apparently came out of OJ's house with a bloody knife prior to OJ coming to visit Nicole and Ron for a little game of Boggle. Lois confronted Peter about the bad advice he gave his son. He thought he was helping and Lois told him he had to fix what he did. Chris was still down in the dumps about Anna. Peter tried to cheer him up with a box containing a frog that he poked holes in (the frog and not the box.) Yikes. Peter drops the box and has a hard time getting the late frog out the window. Peter tells Chris not to give up, but he doesn't want anyone but Anna. Peter sets Chris up with a "date," which was a sock puppet operated by Peter who was preoccupied with what Chris was getting his Dad for his birthday. He doesn't want a tie. Peter then tries to set Chris up with Barbara a girl from his class that he used to have a crush on. The date doesn't get past the first verse of "Down Under" that Peter is singing for "atmosphere." Peter then put an ad in the paper to get Chris a blind date who turned out to be Stewie in drag. Nothing's working. Lois asks Chris what he wants. Chris says he wants to get back together with Anna, so Lois tells him to go talk to her and tell her how he feels. He hits Brian with a chair to get an excuse to go back to the vet. He apologizes to Anna and she says he hurt her. Chris asked for another chance. She forgave him. Poor Brian needed some help and Stewie came up and kicked him. And with that, we say goodbye to "Family Guy" until next season.