Gossip Girl: All About My Brother (Episode 116)

Holy crap. Georgina Sparks makes Blair Waldorf look like Joan of Arcadia. We've got secrets. We've got lies. We've got videotape. It's a gossip trifecta!

"RAISING GIRLS IS DIFFERENT" -- Lily's still hip-deep in nuptial planning while Bart Badass has taken my two main reasons for watching the show Chuck and Nate off to Monte Carlo for his bachelor party -- off-screen, unfortunately, so I can't even soothe my anxious brow with Chace Crawford's baby blues. Rufus comes to Lily, desperate for "a mother's advice" about what to do about Jenny, who, I think we can all agree, is careening out of control. For one thing, she's hosting a party at her new boyfriend's apartment, all the while telling her father she's got choir practice. Even though he knows darn well what she's up to! Next thing you know, she'll be doing a classy-yet-somehow-inappropriate photo shoot for Vanity Fair! Rufus and Lily's parental bonding is the sweetest thing in the episode, and the look Rufus gives Lily as she tries on her wedding dress while they're chatting may be the hottest moment the show's ever given us. Considering the other front-runners -- Serena and Nate on the barstool, Chuck and Blair slipperying up the limo seat, and Dan, Nate and Chuck in that Palace courtyard brawl/ménage a trois -- that's saying something. Lily's advice for Rufus? "Wait and hope. Trust that you've done your job." She says Jenny will come back to him eventually. Yeah, when she needs bail money.

"I'M GAY. AND SO ARE YOU." -- Little does Lily know that as she's offering sage advice to Rufus about his kid, her own has a Big Secret. It all gets tangled up in Jenny and Blair's power struggle and the dog-walking boyfriend, and I took, like, seven pages of notes on this ep, as opposed to my typical four, so strap in; it could be a rocky ride.

Jenny and Blair are using Gossip Girl as the vehicle for one nasty, unfounded rumor after another in their war to be Queen. After an anonymous tip says that Jenny's new boyfriend, Asher, was seen kissing another boy in front of the school -- "Gentlemen don't prefer blondes; they prefer other gentlemen" -- GG says that from now on, she's going to need proof before she posts anything. Well, where's the fun in that, GG? This time, however, the tip was true: Dan saw Asher kissing another boy, but from his angle, he can't see who it is. When Dan confronts him, Asher gets right up in Dan's face and says, "You think I'm queer? I'm so queer I'm gonna pop your sister's cherry tonight!" Blech. Jenny comes over and slaps Dan down, too, just like she did Eric earlier, when he came up to her and asked, "How well do you know him?" adding that something makes him feel that Asher's not the right guy for her. Jenny thinks this is a sign that Eric has a crush on her. Remember, she is the center of the universe, so what else would she think? 

The "Asher's gay!" rumor leads to a great moment in the hallway at school, where Jenny passes Blair and says, "Low blow." Blair sneers in her general direction and says, "Wasn't me. Wish it was." But Blair's never one to let an opportunity pass her by, so she has Izzy sneak into the Unity boys' locker room and steal Asher's phone, then she forwards all his incriminating e-mail to her own e-mail account. What's the proof she finds? That the unknown boy Asher was kissing was…Eric.

[Ran-t]I have to admit I find it annoying that the character they're choosing to out is the boy who was depressed to the point of suicide. And where did he meet his gay comrade? In rehab, meaning the other kid was fucked up enough to get tossed in the rich-kid clink, too. In the books, Eric is "Erik," a happy-go-lucky college student who provides Serena with unwavering if somewhat inebriated support. And in the books, Chuck's flat-out gay, and Dan kisses another guy and has his own fleeting moment of queer exploration, so it's not like they didn't have other, some might even say better options. I wish the CW had the balls to take one of their "stars," turn him gay and give him a boyfriend. The only reason I'm giving them a pass on not showing us the boy-on-boy kiss is because it served the plot -- Dan knew Asher was kissing another guy, but not which one. In case you haven't been following the brouhaha surrounding the Luke/Noah storyline on As The World Turns, apparently the worst thing happening in our world isn't the economy in decline, genocide in Darfur, or the unending war in Iraq. No, it's the possibility that two fully clothed boys' lips might meet on camera. You know what I say? Fuck that shit. They're here, they're queer. Get used to it or go live on a compound in the desert.[/Ran-t]

At about the same time, Georgina Sparks (oh, we'll get to her, don't you worry) is outing Eric to his family at a nice quiet dinner at the Palace. Lily's slack-jawed denial isn't exactly the PFLAG moment Eric might have hoped for, though Lily comes through in the end, saying later that she's concerned about Eric's safety and happiness, but hopes he finds love. Aww! Oh, and who besides Serena (who very sweetly tells Eric, "The people who care about you always stand by you") has Eric turned to for support during this difficult time? Chuck. Yes, Chuck of the bright orange trench coat and the many loafers to be light in. "The guy's got his faults, but he never judges me," Eric says. Fair enough.

Meanwhile, at Asher's penthouse, a few more hard truths are coming out: Jenny decides the best way to put those gay rumors to rest is to have sex with Asher. Because no gay guy in history ever screwed a woman. Wow, she really is young, isn't she? Asher reminds her that they don't do that, because basically, she's his beard. In return for her getting to use his penthouse for hosting her first Upper East Side party, she's providing him with a decent front. For the first time, she looks a little out of her depth, but not enough to change what she's doing. When does she finally seem to see the light? Only when the whole story comes out, and come out it does, in flaming fashion:

First, Blair crashes Jenny's party, taking Asher's cell phone back to him and saying the only reason she's not using it against him is that she cares about Eric. "It's too bad you don't care about him the same way," she says. Then Eric walks up and confronts Asher: "I'm gay. And so are you." Asher continues to deny it, and Jenny backs him up, saying that Eric is the one who's lying. You believe that shit? Asher then shouts, "Get this faggot out of here!" Oh, no, he didn't! That self-loathing fuckwad! Faggot is such an ugly word. It's those two "g"s, I think; also used in another unspeakable slur. Eric looks at Blair and says, "Go ahead and send it," as he leaves the party. Blair then forwards all of Asher's e-mail straight to Gossip Girl. Well. That should take care of that.

Jenny loses the battle and, apparently, the war. As Penelope says, the Bitch Brigade can forgive just about anything, but, "Lying to your friends about sex is unforgivable." Jenny comes to Blair's house later and surrenders, saying she lost her family's trust and respect, and it really wasn't worth it. "You put up a good fight, for a freshman," Blair says, then says she hopes Jenny doesn't want a hug. Hee! Jenny then goes home and apologizes to Rufus, though I still get the sense that what she's really sorry about is that things didn't work out the way she planned, not that she lied repeatedly and treated her father and brother like shit.

"MEMORIES CAN FADE, A VIDEO LASTS FOREVER" -- With friends like this, who needs enemies? The texty tiffs between Blair and Jenny look like child's play compared to the salt-and-burn warfare Georgina's waging on Serena. She's pretending to be a new girl in town named Sarah, and has wormed her way in with both Dan and Vanessa. "You and Dan are so sweet to adopt me," she simpers to Vanessa. She gets Dan to open up to her about Serena, and says she wants to meet her. In the meantime, she sends Serena another package, with a video of something TERRIBLE that happened at the Shepherd wedding, undoubtedly after Serena lost her virginity to Nate on that barstool. We hear Georgina's voice, Serena, all slurry, and some guy…I don't think it's Chuck or Nate, so there's probably at least one more ugly surprise waiting out there.

Serena just wilts when she sees it, like it's sapped her of every bouncy bubbly bit of Serenaness that she ever had. She goes to see Dan and meets "Sarah," who offers to show the "short film" she's working on. As Vanessa goes to get her laptop, Serena and "Sarah" have a hissed conversation about why oh why is Georgina such a bitch? "I'm just having a little fun," Georgina says. I think she's pathological, that girl. Like, psycho-pathological. She says she wants things to go back the way they were, wants to be friends again. Gosh, most people would send a fruit basket and invite you to lunch. This girl brings porn, cocaine, and blackmail to the table instead.

Serena's unwillingness to tell Dan what's really going on drives a wedge between them that Georgina's all too willing to lean on. Serena tells Dan not to trust "Sarah," but won't tell him why. We have to wonder, what, really, could be THAT BAD? So bad, she can't tell Chuck, who's probably seen it all and done most of it? So bad she can't tell Dan? Although…remember when he found out she slept with Nate? How judgmental and cold he was? Maybe she has good reason after all…

In the end, it's Blair who coaxes The Big Secret out of Serena, saying that she loves Serena, and "What is you is me." What happened? What's that awful thing Serena did? Worse than sleeping with Nate?

"I killed someone."

Oh, Jesus, not again! It's Tyra and Landry all over again. I don't need another Massive Fuckup this season. My guess it won't turn out to be as bad as Serena fears, but I'm sure they'll drag it out for at least two more episodes; either that or find some other humdinger of a cliffhanger on which to end the season.

Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Gossip Girl:

If you lie, cheat, and steal, eventually you will get caught.
Your parents really do give a shit about what kind of person you're becoming.
You can forward e-mails from a cell phone.
Therefore…don't keep e-mails on your cell phone.