Law & Order: SVU "Trade" (Episode 201)

First of all, I would like to apologize for Keegan missing these past few episodes. The strike threw us all off and I'll be playing catch-up for you guys, recapping the missing episodes and finishing out this season. I know it won't be quite the same, but I'll do my bestest. And have no fear, Mr. Hornbeck will be back next season.

Now, on to the rape and murder! DUN DUN!

Fireman rush into a burning apartment. A woman's body is found; she appears to have been raped. SVU arrives on the scene and detectives Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler notice expensive purses and shoes. Coroner Melinda Warner reveals that she was pregnant - the dead woman, that is. Fire marshall hints at arson and the contents of a dishwasher loaded with dirty dishes surprisingly unmarred by the fire are discovered. FORESHADOWING! I know what's coming, guys, but I'm loving the ride!

The victim was Jenna Ludlow, whose website revealed that she was an aspiring stylist living beyond her means. Oh wait, a personal account appears to have been receiving monthly off-shore payments of $10,000 on a regular basis. Was a sugar daddy paying Ms. Ludlow off to keep her quiet about his baby? Could be.

Munch and Fin hit up Heaven Moskowitz, whom Jenna had been paying $200 checks for "therapy." Heaven's a hippie-dippy self-proclaimed doctor of "angel healing." The detectives press her to reveal the identity of Ludlow's boyfriend and from her "visions," Heaven conjures up "Africa, possibly Ethiopia - great body" and the name "Pearson." Her final hint comes from "Cleopatra," who tells Heaven to instruct the detectives to head to the commodities exchange. Later on, after taking in the whole episode, you'll appreciate how awesome Heaven's insights were. Also, watch Medium -it's a great show about a psychic! But wait, let's get back to the crime-solving!

At the exchange Benson and Stabler meet Pearson Bartlett, a coffee trader, and they stumble upon him just as he is in the process of sampling various brews. Are they looking for a cheese trader at the exchange? Because I'd be more than happy to volunteer my services. Pearson seems shocked at the news of Jenna's death - she was his son's fiancee. He claims that his son, P.J., is currently in Rio de Janeiro and will take at least 10 hours to return to the U.S. We all agree that this sounds fishy.

Back at the crime lab, Melinda Warner's findings of high folic acid in Jenna's corpse indicate that she was taking pre-natal vitamins - girlfriend was keeping her baby. Also, a closer look at the victim's clothing indicates scissors were used for the tears. Hmm, a fake rape? Why not? These detectives have seen it all, folks!

Checking back at the airport on the younger Mr. Bartlett's alibi. A talk with the airport guy has him noticing that P.J.'s chartered flight stopped at Aruba for a "refeuling" pit stop, which makes no sense since the plane is capable of carrying plenty of gas to make it to much more distant destinations than Rio. The fish smell just continues to get ever more pungent...

Research at the temp agency where Jenna worked shows that she did a lot of job jumping at offices where she was likely to meet high-powered, well-off bachelors and/or married men looking for a good time on the side. In fact, she met her fiance on her last temp gig at his office. Now, I'm not saying she's a gold digger, but..well, actually, I am. We all are.

P.J. arrives and the detectives know he was never in Rio. Dad lied about Aruba and both father and son are hauled into the station. D.A. Casey Novak reveals the detectives ain't got shit to hold these dudes and the SVU crew employs a stalling tactic. The two Bartletts go off with Munch under the guise of questioning to wrap up some loose ends and everyone else hustles to find something that will stick.

Speaking of sticky, Melinda Warner shows up with some DNA test results she picked up on her way back from Maury and she has a shocking announcement. She spoke too soon earlier when she said that the sperm from the rape kit was P.J.'s (matching his DNA from an unwashed wine glass from the lucky dishwasher) and that it was also his child Jenna was carrying. Oh, the sperm's still P.J.'s, but Pearson's the baby daddy. Now, this is the part on Maury where we stand up in the audience and go, "Oh HELL TO THA NAW!" as we watch father and son tussle on stage. And scene.

Coming back from commercial, we're at the hospital because Daddy Starbucks (I'm quoting my beloved Casey Novak) tried to put P.J.'s head through some glass. Young, raven-haired hottie lawyer Avery Hemmings is P.J.'s friend from college and even though this isn't her usual fare, she's decided to defend both Barlett men. Wait a minute - she has a good job, is single and is jumping in to staunchly defend her college friend - she must have webbed feed and a body odor problem because I can't think of any other reasons why P.J. didn't hook up with her instead of the bloodsucking bimbo who was blackmailing his family and banging his dad.

More evidence is obtained from Jenna's charred apartment and I'm realizing that this hot lab guy needs more excuses to wander into frame. We've got enough beautiful female lawyers running around - equal opportunity, people! Through what I understand to be magic, documents are excavated from the fire, one of which is an email that hints of a huge coffee deal going down. Ooh, Jenna, you dirty little blackmailer, you.

Both Barlett's are charged with conspiracy to commit murder. Defense tries to dismiss the email as a trifle - humdrum everyday business correspondence, but Casey Novak gets Pearson to admit the deal was worth millions. Then, with P.J. on the stand, Casey really gets cracking. P.J. reveals the coffee deal was going down in October, Jenna told him she was pregnant on Valentine's Day, when he subsequently proposed but her fetus was only ten weeks old. She lied, P.J.'s "funky sperm" (again, I quoth the ever-quotable Casey Novak) were lazy swimmers and so Jenna masterminded a plan to get pregnant with a Barlett baby, even if it meant sleeping with Daddy - eww, not hers, P.J.'s. But still, eww.

P.J. starts to crack - says "I don't know" when asked if his dad killed Jenna and Dirty Dad loses it in court. Order in the court! And by the way, Casey Novak's hair is effing fantastic in this scene. Another point for the prosecution, in my book.

The jury is deadlocked and a mistrial results. Casey seems suspicious and questions the bailiff who says that the hold-out was juror number four, a single mother of a child with cerebral palsy. Yeah, so as you guessed, Casey finds out the single mom was bribed and she tearfully gives out the name of the man who contacted her, Roger Fromme.

Fromme's cleared his office when the detectives arrive - he's gone off to the Domincan Republic after receiving his big pay day, his annoyed former secretary reveals. Data retrieved from Fromme's hard drive shows he was being paid to stalk P.J., whom we see with a multitude of women in Fromme's surveillance photos. Further questioning of P.J. (as the victim, because he was stalked - oh SVU, you so clever) has him confessing with frustration that his father was both competitive and a control freak. Dude slept with a girlfriend of P.J.'s before. He says his dad must have killed Ms. Ludlow out of jealousy.

Arriving back at the station, we find that both dad and son have flipped on each other. Not a whole lot of love lost there. Everyone's fingering everybody else! And not in the good way!

Detective Stable keeps looking at the video clip on Jenna's website advertising her stylist services. Wait a minute, a clue in the vid shows it was shot in her bedroom. Off to her apartment to search for a camera and some video tape! More magic has the camera and some memory cards preserved from the fire and in addition to some XXX-rated footage of Jenna doing both dad and son (not at the same time - she has her limits, people), the killer is revealed.

Both Barletts and their hot lawyer Avery Hemmings sit in the room as the tape begins to play. It's cued up to just before the murder and Avery bolts. Oh yes, my pretties, that's right. HOT LESBIAN SEX SCENE! Just kidding! Even better! Hot jealous lawyer killed Jenna. She did it all. Where did she go? An alarm reveals Avery's scrambled up to the roof. I think we all know where this is going...

It's at this point that I'd like to share the moral of the story here, which is, always keep crazy on your side.

P.J. attempts to talk Avery down from the ledge as she threatens to jump. Father and son argue, and P.J. finally gets her to lean down and just as it looks like she is ready to give in, she yanks him along with her because if she can't have him, no one can. Wow. Dad is devastated and that was intense. I think I need some chamomile tea.

New moral of the story: Don't fuck your son's girlfriends.

The end.