Survivor: If It Smells Like A Rat, Give It Cheese (Episode 1613)

I'm hammering this puppy out tonight, since we leave at the buttcrack of dawn tomorrow to fly out east for My Mister's 25th high school reunion. We'll get home just in time for Sunday's three-hour season finale extravaganza, which ought to be a doozy! Can't wait!

Day 34 finds Natalie and Erik -- the final Fans left in the game -- talking about their strategic options. They agree that Amanda's popular with the jury and decide that if either wins the chance to send someone to Exile, they'll send the other, so they can look for the Hidden Immunity Idol, back in play now that Amanda successfully used it. It's also, we learn later, the last chance the Hidden Idol can be played. "I don't trust anybody, but I do have to pick sides," Erik says. Can't argue with that, boy.

We're back where we started, with Fans vs. Favorites, with the Fans outnumbered. Amanda says Cirie's loyalty isn't in question anymore, since she was willing to go for a tie at the last Tribal if Amanda wanted her to. Then, in an eerie déjà vu, Erik has exactly the same conversation with Amanda that he just had with Natalie, only Amanda wants him to send Parvati to Exile and take her with him on whatever the Reward is if he wins it, and she'll promise to do the same. She compliments his strategy, saying, "You're almost there sometimes," to which he replies, "It's not all hair on my head." Hee.

The Reward Challenge plays to the whole Fans Vs. Favorites theme again, with questions to be answered about previous Survivor seasons. The first person to get four right answers wins. Since all the seasons but Australia blur for me (You never forget your first! Hey, Colby, baby! Call me!), I have to say it's not the most interesting challenge. Who cares whether it was Pearl Islands or Exile Island? And where the fuck are the Marquesas? Anyway, five questions get read, Erik gets four right (nobody else gets more than two correct answers) and just like that, he's the winner! Who does he send to Exile? Parvati, just like Amanda wanted. Who does he take with him on the Reward -- a helicopter ride to a luxury resort where they get massages, a great meal, and a decent night's sleep? Amanda!

Honestly, I think sometimes if you went up to Erik and said, "I want you to stop working in the ice cream parlor and go be a porn star," he'd say, "Well, okay, if you think that's best."

Amanda squeals and hugs him, saying he's "totally redeemed himself." Just wait, Amanda! When Erik says he chose Amanda in part because he wants to get to know her better, My Mister said, "Oh, so he listened to his dick and took the hot one." Amanda really is looking ridiculously healthy, and by "healthy," I mean "smokin' hot." Erik interviews from the Reward site that he's not used to making big decisions, but that he really needs to be, "An ice cream man instead of an ice cream boy." *facepalm* Erik, if you really want to be a man, for a start try setting your sights above ice cream.

While they're off being pampered, an extremely pissed off Natalie gripes to Cirie about all the stuff Erik had promised her. Cirie enjoys Nat's stress a little more than is seemly, but hey, it's Day 34; the only surprise is that they're not eating each other like the Donner party.

Parvati's taking advantage of her time on Exile Island, the last chance to find a Hidden Immunity Idol…to sunbathe. She's feeling very secure in her position going to the final three. As she says, "We have numbers."

Day 35 brings Amanda and Erik back to camp, where Cirie greets them with, "Look who's back. Bitches." Hee! Natalie's still nursing her grudge and expresses her discontent by ignoring Erik and massacreing a coconut. Cirie and Erik have a little talk about Nat, where he has the lightbulb-moment realization: "No matter what I do, I'm gonna piss somebody off." As he suggests to Cirie that he, she, and Parvati go to the F3 and that they vote off either Amanda or Natalie, who should come up within earshot? Miss Nat herself. "I could've smacked him like his mother!" she says. I think that line's forming out by the lagoon, Natalie; wait your turn.

Erik makes many, many miscalculations along the way, but his worst may be that he doesn't seem to understand that women talk. Like, about everything. We talk about our periods, our kids, the size of our husbands' penises, the price of lettuce, that bitch around the corner who lets her dog poop in our yard, what Zappos.com has on sale this week, why the CW stopped streaming Gossip Girl, and how smock tops make us all look pregnant. Given all that, we're certainly going to talk about how one skinny mop-topped ice cream scooper has been selling the same bill of goods all over town. Natalie's contribution wins for pithiest: "Idiot."

Erik figures out pretty darn quick that he's messed up, and not just a little bit. "I might have screwed up…quite a big," he says. "I think all the women think I'm full of crap." That they do, Erik! He says he's afraid he's next to go if he doesn't win Immunity. Gee, you think?

The Immunity Challenge involves three large circles with pictures evenly spaced around the perimeter. Each player gets coordinates to two pictures and lays ropes between them. At the intersection of the rope, they dig up a bundle of puzzle pieces and run back to the start to complete the puzzle, which will reveal the next set of coordinates. The first player to solve three puzzles wins a guaranteed spot in the final four! Guess who wins? Guess who blows everybody else out of the water, winning a third straight immunity? That's right, it's Erik! Parvati was hardly in it, and the other three women were still digging for their second puzzle pieces when Erik smoked 'em to the finish line. Wow. Guaranteed in the final four!

Unless…

You know, if I were Erik, I might have planted myself in the middle of that pile of estrogen and waited it out. Why give the women more opportunity to talk? When has anything good ever come from that for him? Natalie says she knows she's probably out, but that, "If he didn't have that necklace, he'd be gone."

It's Cirie who comes up with the beautifully diabolical plan: She suggests that Natalie try to convince Erik to give her the Immunity Necklace, on the promise that then they'll all vote out Amanda, who's still considered the jury favorite. "Who would fall for that?" Natalie asks. "I feel stupid listening to you." Parvati grins and says, "Ozzy. Jason. Erik. He belongs with that threesome." Oh, man. OH, MAN. *squeals quietly* Cirie says the giving of the necklace is Erik's way of redeeming himself -- that she'll only believe it if she sees him save Natalie.

Well, if anyone can pull off that kind of shit, it's "I'm gonna floss my teeth with his jugular" Natalie. My Mister says, "She's ice!" She approaches Erik with her "hare-brained idea," which he apparently takes as a "HAIR-brained" idea and that alone may tell you how this little story's going to end. He wibbles a little, asking why they can't just vote out Amanda without him giving up the Necklace, but Nat sings her song about Cirie and trust and redemption with the jury. When he says, "Let me talk to Cirie," My Mister groaned out loud, "Don't do it, little pup!" I think he thinks all men are Erik and all women are these women, and it scares the bejeezus out of him. Cirie says the giving of the Necklace will be, "The cue that we'll vote for Amanda." She then interviews that it's 50/50, and tells Amanda and Parvati to give Erik a hard time over his kindergarten wheeling and dealing. "Girl, we got him on a hook; we just have to reel him in," Cirie says.

Are y'all ready for this? Men, you may want to go put on an athletic supporter, in general sympathy for the ball-kicking that's about to commence.

At Tribal Council, it all comes out so neat and clean that My Mister wondered if Jeff had been watching the dailies -- he certainly steered Erik's boat in the direction of Niagara Falls. Amanda gets her chance to get her licks in, and all Erik's broken promises come to light. Poor, sweet Erik looks like a puppy that gets smacked with a newspaper for piddling on the kitchen floor as he tries to apologize, even saying, "Aside from the game…" but Parvati bitchslaps him for that: "This is the game." Erik apologizes and says, "I need some redemption," and that's when I knew he was really going to do it, that these women had messed with his head to the point that he was going to GIVE UP his GUARANTEED SPOT in the final four, to earn…what exactly? The right to say he did what he said he would? Finally? The poor guy's just in waaaaaaaay over his head. Cirie says that actions speak louder than words if you've been discredited the way Erik has. Lord, y'all, they're playing him like a freakin' symphony.

When Jeff reminds him that he can either keep the Immunity Necklace or give it to someone else, Erik says, "I've made a lot of mistakes." Yeah, but none as bad as the one you're about to make, buddy. When he says he's giving the Necklace to Natalie, the entire jury breaks up laughing. Natalie takes the Necklace, cool as you please, and then they go vote. Parvati holds up her "Erik" vote and says, "You'll go down officially as the dumbest Survivor ever in the history of Survivor. Ever." I don't know, Parv…I still think walking off the set with an Idol in your pocket is pretty up there in the dumb category. But maybe that's just because there was a real comeuppance factor involved in all three of those plays; with Erik, it's like luring a kid into the dark forest with gumdrops and jellybeans.

Jeff reads the votes. By the second vote for Erik, he knows. "You guys drive me crazy," he says as he takes his torch to Jeff to be snuffed. "I should have known better." Yeah, you should, but Erik? I'm going to give you some respect: That was a pretty dumb thing you did, and a pretty rotten thing that got done to you, but you kept your cool and you accepted your exit with good grace. You're a great Fan. I'm struck again, by the lack of true venom in any of the goings-on -- it's all still relatively good-natured, which also speaks well of the people who are left: Natalie, Amanda, Parvati, and Cirie. That's right, it's an ALL-FEMALE F4!! WOO HOO!

I don't know about you fellas, but we girls are gonna be talking about this all weekend! Well, this and whether we should remind our menfolk that it's Mother's Day on Sunday, how fast the grass is growing, the increase in the price of stamps, those great muffins at Costco, and the five thousand other things we women like to talk about.