Numb3rs: Pay to Play (Episode 417)

Before I begin, I know there was a lot of excitement over Three 6 Mafia appearing in this eppesode. They won the Oscar for “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp” but probably harder for the hookers and yes I do find that song horribly misogynistic but really, weren’t we all more focused on Brokeback/Crash rivalry and shocker? Or, in my case, on how Jon Stewart was actually funny but nobody noticed as they were all too busy pretending they weren’t political.

So I have a confession to make. I was prepared to hate this eppesode. I’m talking a hatred that would rival the fandom’s loathing of even the concept of Colby/Liz. I think that description says it all. What was my show, with a history of strong women, like MeganI will not whine about her being not being in this eppesode, Robin I will not whine about her being not being in this eppesode, Terry and yes, even Liz, doing with Three 6 Mafia? I was thinking it was stunt casting run amok, no matter how many numbers appeared in the group’s name.

So, to be fair, I watched the previews. I checked out the interview with Juicy J and DJ Paul about being on the show (thank you CBS) and, despite myself, I found their enthusiasm and wit downright charming. So, now your recapper has a conundrum. They were funny. They were charming and now, for all my loathing of their Oscar winning song, I couldn’t help but like them. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly how I felt about this eppesode. I was prepared to hate it and I didn’t. Considering the handicap it had to overcome, the fact it isn’t even going to make it on my least favourite eppesodes list (a list which like what’s in the trunk in Pulp Fiction , or the answer to where in the world is Carmen Sandiego, will never be revealed) is an accomplishment in itself.

In The Club: At what is the most organized and cleanest concert/club venue ever, Three 6 Mafia promote their latest song are performing to a very enthusiastic crowd.

When they’re done, the owner of their label, is grateful to Hunter (aka one half of Three 6 Mafia) and 2x4 (henceforth known as Vanilla Ice because seriously, who names themselves after lumber that, according to Ninja 1, is really only 1.5" x 3.5"? Symbolic much?) who seem to be his only artists. He credits them with being the reason everyone’s there, which is only partially true because if I was the other half of Three 6 Mafia, I’d be pissed there wasn’t any credit for me being on stage.

Cue the disgruntled indy artist interruption! Yup, he’s angry Hunter is a sellout and Vanilla Ice is a wannabe and he even throws in the standard declaration “I got skillz.” He may have skillz but he certainly doesn’t have a concept of grammar.

A fight ensues and now it’s finally looking like every concert I’ve ever been to! Once it’s broken up, Three 6 Mafia goes back to pimping their latest song. (Yup, it’s hard out there for them to pimp, isn’t it?)

La Maison d’Eppes: All right, lighting people, seriously, meet me in the screencap below.

Now what’s happening? Let me tell you since no one can really see it. Amita’s all worried about picking up her parents and them finally meeting Charlie.

Charlie, in a way that is only sweet when offered by the adorkable Cal Sci professor, offers to run some theories on the fastest way to the airport.

“Give the Abacus a rest Charlie!” Alan exclaims from the pit of darkness that is the living room. Hee! I’m sure his expression is funny, but I can’t see it.

Charlie also offers to go with her and she’s all “hell no, plus, I won’t be sleeping here as I would never do that as long as my parents are in the same state.” In fact, she’s even hesitant to kiss him. While she’s at it, she checks what Charlie’s planning on wearing to the big meet and greet dinner. So far, Amita’s checked off all the boxes of girlfriend desperately hoping to get her parents to like her boyfriend, except Charlie doesn’t really notice. He’s more upset that she won’t be staying over. “My Dad knows you spend the night. That’s never been weird.” Oh Charlie, pointing that out not only makes Amita awkward but it wins you the award for this week’s NPAL™.

So Amita leaves and I’m thinking we’re going to get a resolution to this cute, and yet realistic subplot that’s been going on all season.

In The Club: Okay, so not really in the club. More like outside where Hunter is shot to death in a hail of bullets. Oh, and in the interview, the sheer enthusiasm over being shot to death is what finally won me over. Okay, it was actually Juicy J’s various synonyms for the explosive fake blood packets that won me over. I just wish that someone with that level of snark and wit would use it for good, not stereotyping.

Hunter falls forward and please, check off that stereotype that all people who die in a car automatically fall on the horn.

Night turns into morning, and we get the most contentious scene in this eppesode and no, it has nothing to do with the music industry. Nope, it’s Colby and Liz being all flirty with each other. You know, I do see chemistry between the pair of them, but can no longer ship them, as I wouldn’t want to see Liz as the character reduced to being passed around the team. Oh yeah, and Don’s also there.

Liz fulfills David’s role and provides exposition, a phrase which here means the fairly flimsy reason the Fedcakes have this case. Honestly, the reason doesn’t really matter, because we are immediately given the info that the shooter was idling in wait for Hunter and the widow needs to rush into the scene to completely confuse me.

She confirms that her husband wasn’t the stereotypical gangster turned rapper. He was a good guy. Okay then, so why doesn’t she give a crap about finding out who killed him? If he’s a good man, then why wouldn’t you want to know? She declares the Fedcakes are on their own in this case and she runs off to make funeral arrangements. Seriously, WTF, woman?

Colby finds that Hunter had two iPods, which he finds weird, even for a musician. Um, yeah, Colby, I have two MP3 players and I’m not a musician, although, unlike Hunter, my second MP3 player does have music on it, not just weird code.

Title Flash.

IHOF: Charlie, being watched by David and Don, easily decodes the algorithm. You know, it’s an interesting solution.

He compares the algorithm to plagiarism detection, meaning that it can look through a lot of stuff and find similarities. Funny, I’ve never needed an algorithm for that, as it’s usually painfully obvious. Particularly when I’m the one being plagiarized. Yes I noticed and that’s all I have to say about that.

They may not know what it’s for, but David has some other information. Of course, David would never let Liz out-exposit him, so he’s got information on the victim. His real name is Robin Hunter. Umm, excuse me? The name Robin is already taken on this show! The name’s not like John or Jennifer or Jane. There is only one Robin from now on and she’s one half of my OTP. SQUEE! Sorry, it’s an autonomic response by now. David describes Hunter’s music as “no more violent or provocative than anything else that’s out there” which is really doesn’t say much, considering what’s out there.

In The Club: Okay, yeah so we’re still outside where a makeshift memorial for Hunter has sprung up. Liz and Colby are working the crowd for info, but are coming up with nothing. “I figure if these were Travis Tritt fans, I might have better luck,” Colby comments. Oh hee, and double hee.

“Not you’re peeps, huh?” It’s a totally rhetorical question by Liz but still hilarious enough that it needs to be admired.

The fandom gets into an uproar when Colby tells her he likes working with her. Of course, we translate that to “you’re so cool and pretty and wonderful, please love me.” So, Colby and Liz, let’s make this clear, and you two will have to meet me in the screencap below.

Vanilla Ice shows up and makes an ass out of himself by posturing and declaring that Hunter will be avenged. Whatever. I think if this guy ever really found himself in danger, he’d crawl under the table and cry for his mother. The only real thing Vanilla Ice says is that he’s certain the angry indy artist from the party, had something to do with it.

Next, Liz and Colby make me sad by not giving me an excuse to type “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern” by going to see the label owner, Blanchard, together. Now, it took me a while to figure out where I’d seen this guy before and then I realized, hey it’s the Fed (not Fedcake) Ellison from The Sarah Connor Chronicles!

So he’s getting fitted for a suit for Hunter’s funeral and he muses about how much it sucks that Hunter’s biggest record is going to be his posthumous collection. Yeah, that does tend to be a trend in the music industry.

Okay, I know this guy as Ellison, so he’s staying Ellison. He finally gives us a name for the angry indy artist: Derek. He claims Derek is always “pestering him” to be signed but I call foul on this one right away. One doesn’t shout “sell out” at a party only to turn around and beg to be signed by the same label. So despite Ellison’s claim it was a publicity stunt for Derek, I can’t believe a word he says. This is the moment I peg Derek as the big old red herring, and Ellison as the super-baddie, no matter how smoothly he talks or how good he looks in that suit.

IHOF: The Fedcakes have found video of Derek’s rant online and I finally get a scene with both Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!

Plus, the pair of them are doing what they do best – giving info. Derek’s full name is Derek Raines, and he’s only got a few minor marks on his juvenile record. He’s also totally independent, as he releases his own music without the help of Ellison. Don sends David to grab Liz (not like that) and go talk to Derek.

Now we get what is supposed to be the other big mystery of the eppesode. Where’s Megan? Apparently, Don thinks Colby will know because they do have that strange friendship, almost sibling-like relationship. Megan asked for a week off unexpectedly, considering she just went back East to visit her family.
Okay, I know it’s supposed to be a mystery, and yes, I haven’t complained about the lack of Megan considering we only have one eppesode left of her awesome character (as a full-time character because, you know, maybe she’ll be open to guest slots sometime. Hey! A recapper can wish!). In truth, since I know the actress’s current situation, I’m just going to be polite and understand there’s probably some other reason behind it, and not whine. I’m trying to be the bigger person here. It’s rare, but sometimes I try.

Cal Sci: Hey, look, it’s daylight!

Larry’s back from the departmental breakfast where he had to suffer sitting beside “the slurper.” Oh please don’t ever let me meet that man. One of my biggest pet peeves (and personal squicks) are hearing people eat loudly. It grosses me out no end.

Charlie’s been so busy with the case, and worrying about his dinner with Amita’s parents that he forgot to do the math for Larry that I thought was Amita’s job anyway. Oh well, Charlie’s been using game theory and Sun Tzu to help plan his strategy for dinner.

Larry believes that her parents will be open to the idea of a relationship between Charlie and their daughter. Both Charlie and I point out (me at the screen so Larry can’t hear me) that Amita’s parents once tried to arrange a marriage. If you’re ever wondering what happened to that ass from Goa, he married a “French chick” he met in Belgium. Charlie’s concerned that they have somebody else in mind and I was just hit on the head with the anvil of foreshadowing. Ouch.

Larry’s certain that her parents will eventually sing Charlie’s phrases, the word “sings” triggers a Charlie-vision.

IHOF: Charlie explains to Colby and Don that the algorithm can allegedly determine which songs will be successful.

Colby calls the idea of the algorithm bullshit, but then Charlie takes me back to musical theory class and says it’s totally possible. Sadly, I know we all want to deny it, but unless my years of musical theory are wrong, Charlie’s right. So, Colby’s off to get a subpoena to run the program on Hunter and Vanilla Ice’s albums.

Angry Indy Artist’s: There’s a great little bit of social commentary when David pats down Derek (who is standing waiting to be arrested) and assumes there’s a gun in his pocket. It isn’t a gun but a tape-recorder. And I think, in that little scene is an entire Master’s thesis on societal assumptions.

Although, despite the lack of cliché outside the door, inside we find, yup, you guessed it, WTF widow.

Fortunately, we veer back out of that cliché of the love triangle when Derek turns the tables on David. He thinks my BFF (That stands for Best Fedcake Friend, as David would totally be my pal) was sent as the token black guy / rap expert. Nope, David likes old-school music and since they’re now 0-0 on the assumption chart, they finally talk.

Cut to Liz and WTF widow. Derek and Hunter were best friends and she would never cheat on him, yada, yada yada.

Cut back to cliché land where Derek claims he taught Hunter “everything he knows” whatever. Pride got in the way of their friendship and I’m bored and these two people clearly didn’t do it. There are really only three things to take from this scene: 1) Hunter wanted to make up so he invited Derek to the party 2) Derek rejected Ellison, not the other way around 3) WTF widow knows nothing about the math. Can we move on now?

Okay, and then there’s a drive-by. Seriously, didn’t see that coming. You’d think whoever orchestrated that might’ve stopped when he saw the Fedcake vehicle in front.

Now, I would like to say I’m a good person, but I’m not. I actually laughed when Derek came outside of the house with a hole in his chest. There was just something so zombie-like surrealistic about a guy walking out his front door to conveniently drop due to a hole in his chest.

IHOF: And just in case I didn’t have enough of a reason to laugh at 2x4/1.5x3.5/Vanilla Ice, his real name is Theodore Durenberger. It’s like his parents wanted the crap beaten out of him at school. We also learn that Derek is going to pull through and that David’s jumped on my bandwagon of thinking and believes Derek is a red herring as Colby arrives with the subpoena.

Center Mass Records: Of all the people in the world that could be sent to analyze rap albums, the very last ones I would pick are Larry, Charlie and Colby. Larry muses that he’s never heard of any of Center Mass’s artists, but Charlie nicely points out that outer space, a monastery and steam tunnels aren’t exactly cultural hotspots.

The trio are offered the help by the massively understatement of a name, Kilo. I’m also distracted by the scene’s blocking.

Oh, and then Colby ditches Larry and Charlie when I think Kilo could crush both of them with his little finger.

In what is definitely my favourite moment of the eppesode, Kilo proves what Numb3rs has been trying to teach us all along. Math can bring people, whether it is brothers, families, couples, cases, or the rap and academic worlds, together. Kilo bought and loved Charlie’s book. After that, I don’t catch a damn thing of what Kilo says. Neither, I would like to point out, does my closed-captioning. In fact, at the end of all this, all I know is that (from his tone of voice) Kilo loved the book, Hunter’s music is awesome (also from the tone of voice) and the two techies in the room are Rhys and Repeat.

Watching Charlie bop his head and pretend he’s dancing is worth the entire scene. Unfortunately, that would be impossible to screencap. Oh Charlie, you’re adorkable but have no rhythm.

Video Shoot: Poor Liz, Larry and Charlie get to listen to Three 6 Mafia while she has to suffer through getting hit on by Vanilla Ice. It’s painful and I was sort of hoping she’d snap him in half just for fun.

Vanilla Ice practically laughs them off and spouts some posturing shit, until David reminds him what tough really looks like.

Center Mass Records: Larry is trying to make sense of the lyrics, by talking about the connotation of different words. Charlie and I both politely (okay, me, not so much) laugh at Larry’s lack of knowledge and correct him. Kilo, in a moment of verbal clarity, suggests Charlie come by and “lay down” some friendship rhymes. OMG, please let there be bloopers of that on the season 4 DVDs.

“Trust me, I don’t think either of us wants to hear that happen,” Larry says. That’s where you’re wrong Larry, I so want to hear that. Charlie has all that they need and as they head off, Larry tries to be cool. “Word,” he says to Kilo.

IHOF: Charlie presents his conclusions. First of all the algorithm can predict with about 80% accuracy and Vanilla Ice’s songs score in the other 20%. I’ll try to work up some shock. To demonstrate, he compares Hunter to a musical candy bar (which he took from David) and Vanilla Ice to musical tofu (which he took from Liz). Thus continues the motif of Charlie stealing food from women.

Speaking of food, he’s late for his dinner with Amita’s parents. Not a great way to make a first impression there, Charlie. As for the Fedcakes, they’re off to investigate Vanilla Ice. That is, all except for Colby, who still hasn’t heard anything from Megan.

Fancy Restaurant: In a place that looks suspiciously like where Charlie and Amita had their first date, Charlie’s practically pissing himself in fear.

Alan’s kind enough to take the blame for the lateness, and, at first, everything goes well. After the initial intro, everyone sits there and stares at each other, awkwardly. There are a few awkward moments (which start at the beginning of this scene and don’t end until the end) that include the parents sounding like Amita can’t take care of herself, the mother implying that Charlie’s going to make “some girl” very happy in the future, the addition of an old family friend, who is young and hot and male (who takes Charlie’s chair) and Amita being completely oblivious to her parents’ attempted machinations.

Okay, so I hope this is the same restaurant because it would be a shame if Charlie had two different dining establishments witness his extreme embarrassment.

Hospital: WTF widow is demanding her rights to see Derek. Of course, Liz should point out she really doesn’t have any rights here, but Liz is way nicer than me. The woman still refuses to help, which is beyond all rational explanation at this point. She’s even carrying around her husband’s computer which might as well have “I’M A CLUE” written in red, in capslock, on the side of it. Once WTF widow sees Derek is unconscious (hence the whole, you can’t talk to him thing), she storms off and gets in her car, after a few choice words for Liz, as if Liz was responsible for the shootings herself.

Later, Colby comforts Liz, who was banged up in the explosion, and if you’re hearing something, that’s the fandom ranting at the amount of chemistry the pair have. Luckily, they’re interrupted by David who tells us all about the unsophisticated bomb that finally got rid of the harpy that’s been the bane of this eppesode that could’ve easily been built by Vanilla Ice. Although, I have to say, David says it much nicer than that.

And just to toss something else into the mix, upstairs Derek’s got it into his head that he’s going to go out and “do right” by his friend and WTF widow. “Do right” is a phrase which here means be stupid and play vigilante.

La Maison d’Eppes: Charlie’s telling Larry about the “Hindu Adonis” (and doctor) with the perfect hair.

Well Charlie, Hindu you may not be but I’m sure most would agree with me that you could give him a run for his money on the perfect hair bit. Larry finds this all hard to believe, until Alan confirms it.

Don interrupts with data from the hard drive. Of course, after an audience –vision in which we learn Alan skimped on cheap seats for baseball games, Charlie’s sure he can fill in the missing bits. Good, he needs a victory after last night’s disaster. Once Charlie and Alan leave, Don asks Larry about Megan. This is so setting up next week. I’ve already bought the extra tissue for it.

Ice’s Pad: Colby calls out Vanilla Ice using his real name, so all that tough boy posing, is for naught when someone yells out “Theodore Durenberger.” Ha! Theodore doesn’t disappoint because as soon as he’s in earshot of the Fedcakes and out of earshot of the thugs guarding him, he begs to be taken in for custody. The whiny “please” is priceless.

Cal Sci: For the first time since “Primacy,” I think Amita and I are about to part ways. Considering all her earlier fears about her parents, how could she not see that the whole friend thing was a set-up? Amita, you’re a clever girl, when did you develop this level of blindness when you’ve never had it previously? She’s convinced the dinner went well, until Charlie points out the obvious reasons it didn’t. “He’s handsome and successful and makes you giddy.”

“He’s gay,” Amita insists.

Once Amita realizes what everyone in the world knew, except for her, she looks shocked. Yeah, well, she’d better make up for it later.

IHOF: Vanilla Ice confesses he’s not a thug, and both Don and Liz have difficulty trying to hold back their laughter. I’m glad somebody finds this as amusing as I do. He does stupidly confess to doing the drive-by on Derek’s house, but then makes up for it by pointing the finger at the guy I picked way back at the beginning, Ellison. While he may not have done it himself, Vanilla Ice provides the missing link by saying it was probably Kilo – as he would shoot people and set off of bomb if told. Oh no, the hilarious dude from earlier? I’m actually disappointed. Plus, I'm pretty sure there wasn't a chapter on shooting people in Charlie's book.

To save his own ass, Vanilla Ice even told this theory to Derek, thus the Fedcakes have to rush off to catch Ellison and Kilo before Derek does. In a weird twist of fate, Charlie arrives and has to explain what he’s found as they travel down in the elevator.

The laptop was full of payola info about keeping Vanilla Ice’s music on and Derek’s music off the air. Apparently, we’re all sheep and if we hear it often enough, we’ll buy it. That totally explains Nickelback and Simple Plan.

Ellison stole from the artists to pay off the radio stations and while the solution isn’t surprising, what happens next is. Charlie manages to talk Don into letting him ride with the Fedcakes because he took the FBI training course. We all know how well that turned out. All right, forget what’s going on with Megan and somebody explain to me what’s going on with Don!

Center Mass Records: Derek proves he’s the worst shot ever. (Edgerton would laugh himself to death over Derek’s marksmanship. This reminds me, we haven’t had any Edgerton yet this season, so he’ll be there next week, right?) Somehow, he managed to miss the ironically named Kilo. How do you miss a man that size in a room that small?

Kilo tells Rosencrantz and Guildenstern that Derek took Ellison and when Guildenstern passes that message onto Don, I realize now why Charlie had to ride with him.

Thus what follows are a bunch of short scenes. Charlie suggests they track Derek via Cell phone, which Liz sets up at the IHOF. Meanwhile Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and Don and Charlie drive around LA. Flip over to Ellison’s car where Derek answers the cell, and while he’s busy declaring his intention to kill Ellison, and David tries to talk him out of it, Liz has tracked him to West Washington Blvd and Crenshaw.

When Derek goes to hang up on David, Charlie takes over and I’m thinking this habit of Charlie talking on the phone to suspects won’t always end well.

Charlie tells Derek that not only was Ellison paying to keep Vanilla Ice on the air, but also he was paying to keep Derek off. Yeah, not exactly what I’d be telling someone with a loaded gun there, Charlie. Derek hangs up just as they turn east onto Adams and Ellison now has to convince Derek not to shoot him.

Instead of a Charlie-vision, we have a Don-vision as he’s sure he knows where Derek and Ellison are going – the club where Hunter was killed. Now surrounded by Fedcakes, Derek has no idea how much danger he’s in if he fires his gun, considering Charlie is in the car. Big Brother!Don would totally kill him for that and not lose a moment’s sleep.

Can I just say that I find it funny when Colby complains that he can’t clearly see the pair in the car? You know, I’ve been having that problem the entire eppeosde and I find it very meta that a lack of lighting is now confounding the Fedcakes.

Surprisingly, Derek gets out of the car moments after Ellison confesses to murdering Hunter and his widow. Don can’t see what it is, but David learned his lesson from earlier. It’s Derek’s tape recorder. I applaud as Derek collapses. I love that the cheap way out of death by Fedcake wasn’t taken here.

IHOF: David fills us in that Derek will be fine but will serve some time. To make this scene even better, we get an explicit Robin reference. (Squee!) Liz was talking to her on the phone and there will be a deal for Vanilla Ice if he testifies against Ellison. She’s so blasé about Don moving on, that I think it’s great. There’s just one woman in Don’s life now that is causing him a problem.

As David heads home and Don heads off to see Robin (squee!!) Colby’s now without a drinking partner. Liz volunteers to go to his “dive honky tonk in the valley” and hang with his “peeps.” (Colby’s words, not hers.) Now, before anybody gets upset, let us all take in the wise words of Don.

“Go for it. He’s not going to mess with you.” Amen. Everyone, take comfort in that.

La Maison d’Eppes: Amita baked the Eppes cookies and she didn’t eat them. Damn, there was cat macro there waiting to happen. It’s her way of apologizing for her parents forgetting she’s a modern woman living in Los Angeles. Alan’s all forgiving but Charlie is “my abject suffering is worth a lot more than cookies.” Hmm, what’s that I smell but the perfume Eau de Euphemism?

Amita’s parents arrive and the fact she doesn’t tell them to get on a plane and out of her life bothers me. Sometimes, parents just need to be thrown out in order for them to get the point. Alan offers to leave to give Amita and her parents some privacy but it’s a mixture of the tones “I’m trying to be polite” and “you upset my son, you bigots.” Oh Judd Hirsch, don’t ever change. It’s moment like this when I realize your brilliance.

Although her parents apologize for the awkwardness, Amita calls them on their bullshit, setting the pair of us right again. I’ve just gotten out of the habit of snarking Amita at every turn, and I’m trying to not do that anymore.

When her parents start praising the Hindu Adonis, Charlie steps in, “I’m sorry but you’re lobbying for Kapil right here in my house.”

Her father backtracks faster than Justin Timberlake and a wardrobe malfunction, but I really don’t believe him or his wife when they insist that they totally changed their minds after they met Charlie. Whatever. I’m incensed on behalf of Charmita, who knew this could’ve happened a year ago? I take comfort that when they have kids, Alan will be the primary grandparent.

Charlie’s flattered but Amita’s offended. Yay! Amita, you have every right to be offended. Charlie and Alan are gracious, as the couple leave, but Amita is giving off another vibe altogether.

Charlie’s all happy Amita’s parents now approve.

“You realize now that you’re going to have to marry her,” Alan reminds him, in a tone that is both mocking and gleeful. So the one person who is truly happy in all of this – Alan – he gets what he’s always wanted. Hee!

And that’s it. Next week, bring tissues. Seriously, Kleenex brand is going to love this fandom next week.