Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites Reunion (Episode 1616)

You know what? I like my Survivors out in the wild, eating bats and scratching bug bites. I don't need them clean, coiffed, or collagened. I like the men bare-chested and the women with pixilated bikini tops. I'm never a fan of these reunion shows -- I don't really want to know these people as people, even through Jeff Probst's control-freak filter. So to me, it's a bunch of blah-blah followed by some yadda-yadda, but I'll try to winnow it down to a few juicy tidbits!

The big news? Jeff changed his shirt!

Kind of tough to follow that, but here goes. Parvati manages to take all the credit for, well, everything, including the women's alliance. Not to take anything away from her play, but she acts like she'd planned the whole thing to go down just as it did, and sorry, girly, I don't buy it. Luck, Amanda's loyalty, and a whole lotta dumb on the part of the guys is what got her to the F2, and then I guess five of the eight decided she was the better player. *shrug* I still liked Amanda better.

Amanda says it's hard to go back to "real life," saying she still has "trust issues." But she also has Ozzy -- yes, they're still together! Yay! Mary (the one I forgot during the Trail of Tears) got hooked up by Jon Dalton with Ryan from the Pearl Islands season, and now they're engaged. That's sweet! Wish I could remember Ryan from Pearl Islands; I'm sure I'd be even happier about it! Jon Dalton gets his extra minute of fame by showing off Baby Piper, who looks like a cross between a model and…Jon Dalton. Heaven help her.

So there's your Romance Round-Up -- now let's get the Health Update:

Jonathan's knee is still sore and he's got a nasty scar, but he's okay. James' finger is also okay, though it took a lot of therapy and antibiotics. Kathy's mental state? Tough to say; I still think she comes across as under-medicated, but Jeff's remarkably kind, telling her, "I know you gave it your all."

Some after-observations of the Fans: Joel's still a dick. He says his favorite scene is the one where he drags Chet around the obstacle course. Fuck off, Joel. As Jeff gleefully pointed out, Joel was still two seats closer to the door than Chet, who lived to see many a day past Joel in the game. Alexis is too good for this game. Tracy is also too good for this game. Natalie, in saying, "When it was time to come out, I came out" didn't lessen the ping on my gaydar. Mike's mom died, may she rest in peace; otherwise, I'm not sure what they'd have talked to him about.

Who else? Ah, yes. Jason and Erik. Ozzy's little fan club. Jason says he chalks up his dumb mistake to "lack of logical thinking." Dumb, in other words. Jeff makes a big deal out of Erik making the most bone-headed move in Survivor history, asking James to choose out of Ozzy, Jason, and Erik, who did the dumbest thing. James makes a great analogy, saying that the women were all in the boat, and Erik was hanging on the side wearing a life-vest, safe enough if he just held on. Instead, he took off the life-vest and gave it to a woman in the boat! And that's why we love James! In fact, we love James so much we made him the Sprint "Favorite Player Of the Season" for the second year in a row and gave him $100,000. Woooo hooooo! Amanda and Ozzy were the runners-up, but who needs cold hard cash when you have luuuuuuurve?

Erik, who started watching the show when he was fourteen, admits that he didn't really get the social aspect of the game, and how far people would go. He saw his tribemates as friends, not competitors. He says, "I'm not that guy." Then he adds, "I can't treat people the way you have to treat people to win this game." Good for you, Erik. You'll make a great husband and father someday.  I couldn't do it, either, if it makes you feel any better. I'd take it all way too personally.

Some after-observations of the Favorites: They're pros now at this Survivor thing, and they're using their powers for good. Ami's working with some other Survivors doing a lot of charity work. James told a story about a bunch of people coming up to him in the graveyard telling him they loved his abs. They want him to take his shirt off for pictures…and he DID. That's charity in my book -- the man is F.I.N.E. Yau-man is WAY too good for this game. Cirie is herself, no matter where she is, which I approve of heartily. Eliza's still dying to be in the cool crowd…and still not quite succeeding.

Where are we off to next season? Gabon, Africa, "Earth's Last Eden," where hippos surf and gorillas rule the jungle. My college roommate spent two years in Gabon as a volunteer with the Peace Corps. Two years minus two months, when she got a bacterial infection from the river the village used for everything from sewage to hair-washing to cooking water and had to be med-evaced to the States for some serious antibiotics and recuperation time. Hey, producers, think about that when you're planning challenges that should require HazMat suits!

It's been fun! See you next season!