Gossip Girl: Woman On The Verge (Episode 117)

If I ever have a psychotic woman trying to ruin my life, you know who I want in my corner? Blair Waldorf, Nate Archibald and Chuck Bass. Oh, I know, Chuck has those pesky virgin-molesting tendencies, and Blair can skewer you like a shish-kabob with a lift of her chin and four pointed words, and it takes an earthquake to shake my boy Nate out of his pretty-boy complacency, but when they're together on a mission? They're unstoppable, unflappable, and unbeatable.

"I'VE HAD THREE PERFECT WEDDINGS AND I WANT THIS ONE TO BE MORE PERFECT THAN PERFECT" -- It's the night before what the New York Post describes as "Beauty Bags Bass: The Wedding of the Year." Lily has a thousand details to attend to before the swank rehearsal dinner, but when Nanette (Blair's maid) calls to tell her that Serena is like she was in "the old days," ie. "before she went away," Lily drops everything. She goes back to the Palace and searches through Serena's things, looking for drugs, I think, but instead finds the USB drive with the "Watch Me" tag. She only sees the first part of the "Genuine Serena van der Woodsen Sex Tape," but it's enough for her to decide that Serena needs to go to reform school.

At the rehearsal dinner, Blair comes up and tells Lily that Serena needs her help. "I'm out of my league. I've done what I can and it's not enough," she says. And then, she must tell Lily the whole story (which I will also do, down below), because everything turns around then. Lily tells Bart Badass that she has to leave right then and there, to help Serena. When he protests that she's the bride, she says, "But I'm also a mother. And that's more important." Yay! And *SNIFF* It gets even better: After she helps Serena with one excruciatingly difficult task (yes, yes, I'm not trying to be coy; I'm trying to break down my storylines here!), Serena says, "There's something else I have to do. Will you help me?" Immediately, Lily says, "Absolutely." Okay, now that is how a mom is supposed to behave. Happy Mother's Day, Lily!

Where does Serena want Lily to go with her? To find Dan, who's attending a reunion show of Lincoln Hawk, Rufus' band. Remember, Lincoln Hawk is the role Sylvester Stallone played in the 1987 classic film, "Over The Top" one of the "Top Ten Forgotten Bands of the 90s," along with Lisa Loeb, who makes a sweet little cameo. Rolling Stone is doing a profile on the bands, putting on the show, and filming the concert to air on VH1 Classics. When we first got married, we decided we'd watch half an hour of MTV every day, so we'd always know what "the kids" were up to. I regret to say we have not kept our promise, though I will say this: I watch more MTV than VH1 Classics.

Lily shows up with Serena just as Rufus, shaggy sex god that he is, starts singing what must be "their" song. He's a little older and perhaps not quite as earth-shatteringly sexy as the "iconic" image Lily took of him a decade earlier (a picture that led a Rolling Stone reporter to grill Lily repeatedly on her supposed love affair with Rufus), but damn, he's hot. Like, I'm surprised he doesn't have panties piling up around his microphone stand, he's so hot. I'm happily married and I'd still do him in a heartbeat. Lily stops dead in her tracks as he catches her eye on the line, "Come back to me" and stands still, watching while he sings, "Every time you walk away or run away, you take a piece of me with you." Awwwwwwww!

She runs out, he runs after her, and after a teeny tiny little power struggle ("Get out of my way." "No."), she jumps him. This is no polite kiss to make Bart Badass sit up and take notice. No, this is the real deal right here, and I, for one, couldn't be happier about it. Rufus and Lily also look happy, and I'm sure if they took their tongues out of each other's mouths, they'd tell me so. You know who may not be happy about this? Bart Badass! What with the wedding being tomorrow and all! As Lily said earlier in the episode, actions have consequences, and when it comes to affairs of the heart, the adults are no more immune than the children. Wedding Of The Year? Try Rekindled Affair Of The Century.

"NONE OF US ARE SAINTS" -- Maybe I'm still worn out from the weekend, but tonight's main storyline feels even more tangled up and convoluted than usual. That's a credit to the writers, who weave their intricate spell week after week, but there are days when I'd appreciate a few less secrets and lies, not to mention that damning videotape!

Georgina Sparks, aka "Psycho Bitch" keeps leaving messages for Serena, getting more and more peeved when Serena ignores her. On the other side of town, Vanessa and Nate make an actual date -- he's going to come to Rufus' concert, where V is serving as a roadie. Dan's wandering around Manhatten looking for Serena, and ends up at the Palace, where he learns from Chuck that Serena didn't come home the night before, and she's not answering her phone. Chuck and Nate both get mysterious phone calls and end up standing several feet apart in the elevator up to Blair's penthouse apartment. Nate studiously ignores Chuck, who manages to look both arrogant and wounded. Remember, we haven't really seem together since the big public dry-humping incident break-up. Nate's obviously still nursing a lot of resentment. Because it's Nate, he makes simmering resentment look smokin' hot. Is it just me, or is that dude getting better looking by the week?

Dan bumps into Psycho Bitch (it's just too hard to keep calling her "Georgina" or "Sarah", depending on who she's talking to, so I'm just gonna cut the crap and go with the best descriptor) outside the Palace. He gets a call from Serena's phone, but it's not Serena, it's the bartender at the place Serena left last night at 2 AM with three guys. Oh, and she stiffed the bartender on the tab. Sounds like our S is up to her old tricks.

Or not. Or at least not totally. Blair arrives at the penthouse and finds an angry Chuck and Nate waiting for her, asking if she's trying to play matchmaker with them, but she brushes that off with, "I need your help." She leads them to the elevator, where we see Serena crumpled in the corner, looking drunk and disheveled. And just like that, Chuck and Nate forget their argument and spring into action, lifting Serena and taking her up to Blair's room. Honestly, y'all, I got a tear in my eye watching these kids circle the wagons around their friend. They can bitch and snipe as much as they want, but down deep, not only do they love each other, they're loyal, and I love them a lot for that.

Chuck hunts down coffee to wake Serena up and bagels to absorb the alcohol she drank. Kids, I don't recommend trying that at home. Nate says, "Why do I get the feeling you're enjoying this?" Over the sound of Serena horking in the bathroom, Chuck says, "Call me sentimental."

Dan shows up at Blair's apartment while Serena's still de-drunking herself. When he sees Blair, Chuck, and Nate together, he says, "I guess I missed a chapter…or four. Don't you all hate each other?" Yes, Dan, but they love Serena, and unlike a certain wishy-washy Brooklynite, they're actually stepping up for her. Blair says, "She doesn't want to see you," and Chuck physically stops Dan from going up the stairs, but then Serena appears, looking just as gorgeous as always, damn her, and walks down the stairs towards him. He pushes her for an explanation, which she still doesn't want to give, finally asking, "Did you cheat on me? Did you sleep with someone else?" She puts her head down and says, "Yeah." Dan looks at her like he scraped her off the bottom of his shoe and says, "I'm done." He stalks off, just in time to get a call from Psycho Bitch, who offers him her sympathetic listening ear. Oh, Dan, you're such a patsy!

Of course Serena didn't cheat on Dan. She doesn't do that kind of shit anymore. At least I don't think so…I'm pretty sure…She just went out and got plastered, that's all! She says Dan puts her on a pedestal and doesn't want him to know what she's done. Slowly, her friends get her to open up. First Nate says that wonderful "None of us are saints" line. Then Blair says she had sex with Chuck in his limo. Then Nate says he had sex with Serena on a barstool. Then they both look at Chuck, who shrugs and says simply, "I'm Chuck Bass." HAHAHA HA! Blair says, "We don't judge. We're the non-judging Breakfast Club. We're your best friends. If you did it, we did it, too." I love the solidarity. Seriously, it's my absolute favorite thing about the show -- these four kids and all their messy love for each other.

So what did Serena do? What's on that USB drive? It's Psycho Bitch (who, by the way, relieved Chuck of his virginity in sixth grade and he's avoided her ever since -- which should tell you just how bad Psycho Bitch is, if even Chuck Bass can't deal), some guy named Pete, a bunch of blow, and an oblivious Serena, who comes to their hotel room in dismay after screwing Nate. She's wearing Nate's shirt…so what did Nate wear after their little assignation? Her yellow dress? *handwave* While Serena's describing what went down, we see Lily start to watch the video, but she closes the laptop before she sees the real crux of Serena's problem: to postpone apparently inevitable drunken sex with Pete, Serena suggests they "do a line" first, in other words, snort some cocaine. Pete readily agrees, pulls out the baggie of blow he brought with him, sniffs some…and keels over, twitching and frothing at the mouth. Serena wants to call 911, but Psycho Bitch makes her grab all her stuff and run away. Before she does, though, Serena grabs Pete's cell and calls 911 from it. Then she waits outside the hotel and sees the paramedics bring out a body bag. She says she ran for the train, headed north, and convinced her mother to send her to boarding school. "And never said goodbye," Blair says sadly as Serena finishes telling the sordid tale.

Serena says she still doesn't want Dan to know, but she's scared because Psycho Bitch is pretending to be "Sarah" and befriending Dan, and blackmailing Serena about their big secret. Chuck and Nate share a significant look, so if I were Psycho Bitch, I might wonder what that chill was that just ran up my spine.

Now things start to get a little hairy. While Blair approaches Lily at the rehearsal dinner, begging her not to send Serena to reform school and, apparently, dishing the whole story off-screen, Nate calls Vanessa to tell her he's running late, and when she says Psycho Bitch is there with Dan, Nate tells V not to trust anything she says. Then he calls Blair and tells her that Psycho Bitch is with Vanessa and Dan. Blair tells him to stay put and that she'll pick him up in ten minutes. I love it when Nate puts the pieces together and takes action -- it happens so rarely that it's still a surprise, but it's always a good one. I do love me some Nate!

Lily takes Serena to the home of Pete's parents, then goes in with her to talk to them. Her switcheroo from Oblivious and Distracted to Supportive and Wise is a bit quick for my liking, but I'm going to go with the theory that it started when she came around about Erik, and this is just another extension of that. She seems to be really seeing her children for who they are, and that's pretty gratifying. Serena's able to let go of some of her guilt after talking to Pete's parents -- he'd been an addict for a decade, he brought the drugs he took, and there wasn't anything Serena could have done. Lily says, "I'm sorry I doubted you." Me, I'd still have a problem with the whole "getting plastered" thing, but maybe now that the big secret is out, Serena can relax a little bit.

Or maybe not.

Hell hath no fury like a Psycho Bitch scorned. V confronts her about the whole Georgina/Sarah thing, but (in a plotty contrivance), gets called away before she can put her combat boot down and get the whole story. Psycho Bitch takes advantage of that opportunity to sell Dan a sob story about a stalkery ex, complete with tears and soulful looks. Boo-frickin'-hoo. Dan falls for it, of course, dumbass that he is, and leaves the concert to go find a quiet place to talk. Dan, you're a moron.

Nate, Chuck and Blair arrive at the concert, then Serena arrives and they all split up to try to find Dan and Psycho Bitch. They couldn't just call? Psycho Bitch calls Serena and when S says, "I'm not afraid of you anymore," Psycho Bitch says, "You should be. All bets are off." So you know she's going to fuck around with Dan and mess him up bad. Her first move? After ditching his cell phone battery so Serena can't call to warn him? She kisses him. And then he kisses her back. Because he's a BOY and he's STUPID.

Only one more ep to go in our truncated inaugural season -- I definitely see where the seams are splitting a little trying to get nine episodes worth of plot stuffed into just five episodes, but at least I didn't have to deal with Jenny Flippin' Humphrey this week, so thank goodness for small favors!

Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Gossip Girl:

Death by cocaine is an ugly way to go.
Don't make out with investment bankers in public restrooms.
A true friend is someone who's seen you with vomit in your hair…and loves you anyway.
Boys will believe anything, so take care what you tell them.