Doctor Who: The Sontaran Strategem (Episode 404/3104)

The Doctor: I had so many places I wanted to take you. The Fifteenth Broken Moon of the Medusa Cascade, the Lightning Skies of Cotter Palluni's World, the Diamond Coral Reefs of Kataa Flo Ko – thank you. Thank you, Donna Noble. It's been brilliant. You saved my life in so many ways. You are – you're just popping home for a visit. That's what you mean.
Donna: You dumbo.

Donna, please, don’t ever change.

We begin at the Rattigan (with 2 Ts) Academy where intrepid reporter (because aren’t all reporters required to have that adjective used to describe them) Jo Nakashima is being tossed out on her ass. She’s got a story, a worldwide story, about how Atmos is dangerous. What is Atmos? Well, we’ll come to that later, as right now I’m wondering how dumb you have to be announce your intention to expose some sort of secret to the world, when it’s just you against a weasel-looking evil overlord wannabe and his henchmen.

Plus, to then turn around and get into your car where you have an Atmos system and think you’re going to drive away safely, means you don’t know what Whoniverse you’re in. So, what exactly is Atmos? It’s the GPS system from hell. No only can you not turn it off, but if you make it angry, it’ll make you drive into a lake instead of taking you to UNIT headquarters. Even if you aren’t willing to drive yourself into the lake, don’t worry, Atmos can do it for you! It’s like the bastard demon child of OnStar and KITT.

So, our intrepid reporter is now a departed reporter.

Of course, it doesn’t help that the evil overlord wannabe has a direct line to the Sontarans, so even though you can leave a nice message for UNIT (Hello, you’ve reached UNIT, we’re getting our Red Berets back from Jack Harkness in a precisely timed mission. Please leave your name and number and we’ll call back as soon as possible, as long as the planet isn’t being invaded.) you’ll still be a departed reporter, Jo Nakashima.

On the TARDIS, Donna is driving. Not only is she driving, but also I’d like to add she shows so much more natural skill than the Doctor ever has. Despite coming a little too close to the 80’s and causing a little turbulence, she’s really doing a damn fine job somewhat symbolic of Catherine Tate’s turn as the new companion.

Then, the phone rings. No, it’s not the superphone, because then I’d be screaming “ROSE!” and jumping up and down like a lunatic scaring my dogs. I’d also like to say it’s quite the improvement on the previous TARDIS phone.

Of course, it’s really Martha’s old phone. And in case you didn’t see last week’s preview, it’s Martha on the other end! I guess she would remember her own cell phone number if she needed to call. For those of you who aren’t Martha-lovers (like me until “The Sound of Drums” ), feel free to mock her hair in this scene as it’s really bad. It’s too bad because Freema Agyeman is so naturally gorgeous that I hate her that I didn’t think it was possible to make her look anything other than spectacular.

As for the reason for the call, she’s bringing the Doctor back to Earth. The smile she has when she does that just echoes what we’re all feeling.

New-Who Credits: Complete with Freema’s name! Yay! Despite the bumpy ride she had with the rotten “I wuv yoo Doctor” subplot and being constantly overshadowed by Rose last year, Martha and I have come to an understanding. She’s awesome, whenever she’s not panting all over the Doctor like I would in the same situation.

When the TARDIS materializes, there’s a moment of awkwardness. I mean, the Doctor doesn’t know why she’s called, if she’s still in love with him and he’s certainly never going to mention that he kept her phone within arm’s reach since he left her. Yup, this reunion is fraught with tensions. About the only thing the Doctor did right with Martha was not to accidentally drop her off in Aberdeen.

Once the obligatory hug and all their niceties are over (How is the family after my psycho-arch-nemesis tortured them for a year?) Donna gets into the fray. The look Martha gives her is on that frightens me. It’s a little possessive with a smattering of jealousy and smells a lot like the Martha that Helen Raynor gave us last year in her other two-parter.

I’m not the only one concerned. The Doctor’s afraid the two of them will start fighting like Rose and Sarah Jane did in “School Reunion.” Come on, Doctor, these two, despite their combined awesomeness, weren’t having the meta-duel for the “best companion ever” title, like those two were. Therefore, they get on like crazy and Donna, ever obsessed with her current marital status, is the first to notice the big honking ring on Martha’s hand as she’s engaged to Tom. This is even more special as Tom doesn’t even know he once helped Martha save the planet.

At least the Doctor has learned something from his mistakes with Martha. This time, he told Donna everything about his previous companion, including the stuff he should’ve kept to himself. Oh, Doctor, eventually you’ll get it right but after 900 years, you’d think you might’ve had a little more insight into the ways of women.

They also bond over the Doctor being too skinny. Apparently one risks a paper cut when trying to hug him. You know, that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Suddenly, the Doctor realizes fighting might’ve been better.

With all the greetings and introductions out of the way, Martha declares operation Blue Sky is a go. I’m a little taken aback that UNIT, for all its technological advances, still forces Martha to use a walkie-talkie.

Operation Blue Sky is the raiding of the Atmos factory by what looks to be a million people in red berets. Fill in your own Ianto Jones joke here. Donna’s afraid that the Doctor turned Martha into a soldier. He doesn’t deny it because he can’t without Donna instantaneously knowing that he’s lying and probably braining him over the head. Although, I’m guessing the Doctor wishes he hadn’t recommended Martha for the job.

On a side note, Martha is now a proper doctor, for those of you who like the trivia bits. As for the raid, this seems to be exactly what the Sontarans want, and about now I’m wondering why we aren’t just seeing them because it’s not as if the title didn’t give away who the baddies are here.

Martha takes the Doctor and Donna inside the mobile headquarters and introduces them to Colonel Mace, who fanboys him in militarily appropriate fashion (involving saluting and sirs, which would work on Jack), none of which the Doctor appreciates because he’s two busy trying to make a meta joke about the wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey timeline of the Doctor’s work with UNIT.

While everyone marvels at UNIT’s technology (like the Valiant), Donna is more worried about the human rights violation of arresting a bunch of innocent factory workers. Plus, she’s offended that Mace didn’t even take notice of her. “I’ll have a salute,” she demands.

Personally, I’d want an explanation as to when UNIT obtained TARDIS technology because the field base is in the back of a huge truck, yet the room is larger than my house. That truck, no matter what additions they made to it, is way bigger on the inside.

Now we get the crux of the story. 2 people died of poisoning in their Atmos-fitted cars, simultaneously across the world. Atmos is Al Gore’s wet dream because it stops all cars from creating CO². It’s in every country on Earth, but it’s probably alien except they need an expert to prove it.

“Really, who’d you get?” The Doctor asks. Before he figures out that they’re referring to him, I’m pretty sure there’s a lost opportunity at a “Doctor who?” joke.

As the Doctor and Donna are left to it (not like that) Donna is optimistic that perhaps the aliens want to help. The Doctor’s all hells no! The aliens are always invading, or have you missed the last three seasons? If the aliens control cars, then there are 800 million weapons. Somehow, I don’t think it’s possible to make my Matrix look that scary.

Down in the basement of the factory, two obvious victims blunder around getting into spots they really shouldn’t. I guess when you’re the victim you miss all the clues that something bad is about to happen.

The two victims try to be all manly declaring they’re in charge and believe the guards let them in because they’re oh so powerful, as opposed to orders from the Sontaran General Staal. So, what do they find? Apparently it’s the warehouse for previously used Whoniverse props. Like I don’t recognize Lisa’s conversion unit or the fountain I saw only two weeks ago! Are props now going to be like the settings? Used over and over again for those of us to find as some sort of Whoniverse drinking game?

As our two hapless victims blunder in there without backup, of course they’re going to be captured, but not before finding a fairly gross looking incomplete clone swimming in green goo in the tank and General Staal. Although, even without all the clues as to their status as hapless victims, just carrying guns is enough to make me think something bad will befall them. In this case, it’s that the Sontarans can expand the copper in the bullets, rendering them useless. At this point, I’m a little surprised the Doctor’s aversion to guns hasn’t reared up yet.

One last thing before they’re captured, one of the two hapless victims, engages in a bunch of puns about the Sontaran’s small stature. General Staal is all “Words are the weapons of womenfolk.” Uhh, buddy, you have heard of the Doctor, haven’t you? Half the time the only weapon he uses is words.

Staal has to take a moment to muse about this episode’s title how the hapless pair is needed for the stratagem, and then promptly introduces himself. He’s General Staal of the 10th Sontaran Battle Fleet, aka Staal the Undefeated. Considering he’s up against the Doctor and doesn’t know it, he may need to reconsider that title.

Back upstairs, the Doctor’s sure that Atmos is just ahead of its time, instead of alien. What’s far more interesting is that his aversion to guns finally shows up when he yells at Colonel Mace for standing two close to the Doctor while exposing his big gun. Okay, sometimes, I have the mind of a 12 year old. Unfortunately, this upsets Martha – the Doctor’s reaction to Mace, not my immaturity.

She argues that the Doctor’s the one her got her into UNIT in the first place so he’s not allowed to dis it, plus Martha doesn’t have to carry a gun. She believes that she can make things better by working from the inside. This makes the Doctor smile, particularly when she says she learned from the best. The problem is the false assumption here, as the fixing a flawed institution from the inside was something she learned from Captain Jack, not the Doctor.

Enter Super!Temp Donna Noble. She mocks Mace (increasing the percentage of TARDIS residents who mock colonels with guns to 100%) for blasting in and not doing the paperwork, or, in this case, checking the paperwork. The sick day file is empty. Anyone who has ever worked a day in their life knows the likelihood of that.

“I can see why he likes you. You are good.” I’m so glad Martha (who has to be given credit for saving the world with a story) approves. Now she’s getting Donna to help her to set up a medical examination of all the employees.

Exposition time: Mace tells the Doctor all about child genius Luke Rattigan, who invented Atmos, and Rattigan’s school of genii. Well, Luke Rattigan, I bet you’ve got nothing on Luke Smith!

Donna faces the dilemma of all companions in the new-Who, the pull of family over the Doctor. She considers warning her mother about the Atmos and then it turns into the secret-keeping versus honesty with the family debate. Martha seems to make the link between secret-keeping and her family’s torture. Oh Martha, that was a megalomaniacal Sam Tyler that did that, not you. Ease up on the self-guilt please!

Thus Martha gives Donna some advice. “You need to be careful. ‘Cause you know the Doctor, he’s wonderful, he’s brilliant, but he’s like fire. Stand too close and people get burnt.” It’s a good line, well-delivered by Freema, but it’s a little too reminiscent of the “Fire and ice and rage” speech Tim gave which was a spectacular line brilliantly delivered.

Downstairs, the two hapless victims have been conditioned but I’m too distracted by how the Sontarans walk. It’s more like someone’s given them a very painful wedgie, than it is intimidating marching.

The Doctor’s heading off to meet the second smartest Luke in the Whoniverse, but refuses to let Mace drive him, because of the whole gun-toting thing. Mace actually snarks back about the Doctor travelling by TARDIS and how the Doctor really has weapons, just that he hides them. I’m not exactly sure the TARDIS qualifies as a weapon, making me wonder how truthful Mace was being about reading all of the Doctor’s files. On the other hand, Mace not going to visit Rattigan gives us the opportunity to meet Ross, who I will fangirl into eternity, literally.

Before the Doctor heads out, he’s stopped by Donna, who rejects his offer of “fresh air and geniuses” and says she’s going home. The Doctor gets a familiar feeling.

He tries to convince her to stay, while simultaneously saying goodbye if she doesn’t by saying the quote with which I began this recap. Except, Donna isn’t leaving him like Martha, she’s going for a visit and this whole Donna making the Doctor feel stupid thing is getting to be a weekly tradition I’m thoroughly loving Thus Ross, Donna and the Doctor head off with the hapless victims, now the evil Dum and Dee because they really needed a nickname change, watching.

As for Martha, she’s taken aback when an employee tells her he works 24/7. At first she probably thought me, where my job just feels like I work 24/7 but no, he’s telling the truth. I start wondering if zombies are also going to make an appearance in this episode, but I’m tired of the whole zombie thing from Torchwood.

Martha heads off in search of Mace but Dum and Dee find her first, checking that she has level 1 clearance and telling her that the colonel is in the supersecret room in the basement. Oh Martha, I would’ve thought you’d never fall for that by now!

Rydale Street: Donna admonishes the Doctor to be careful and then walks slowly down her street. Considering the mundane greetings from neighbours and other such sights, the normalcy is as foreign to her now as Pompeii or the Ood Sphere, as demonstrated by a montage of the last three episodes. Thus Donna, loud, argumentative, snarky, amazing Donna, is rendered speechless at the sight of her grandfather.

In the basement of the Atmos Factory, Martha finally realizes that she’s been tricked. There’s screaming and the lights go out dramatically, but all I can think is that the ANGRY DOCTOR WILL BE REALLY ANGRY when he finds out someone is messing with Martha.

Noble Home: Gramps may be relieved that he was right about aliens but he’s worried about the safety of his only grandchild. It’s the conundrum of companion’s families, isn’t it? The difference is, unlike Jackie Tyler and Francine Jones, I don’t want to slap him. The love between Donna and Gramps is just so endearing that I think for the first time in the new Whoniverse, I’m going to like a companion’s family. Then, I’m reminded that Sylvia exists.

I’m with Gramps. Don’t tell her a damn thing.

On the way to Rattigan’s, Ross tells us what we already knew – the place is super creepy. He also makes some great puns about Atmos driving him around the bend just as he turns. I know I should groan, but he’s too endearing so both me and the Doctor let him get away with it. Also, It took me a couple of minutes to place him and then I realized: it’s Luke Scarlett! Your big brother was on this show last year!

Once at the academy, Luke tries to be condescending to the Doctor which is difficult because not only is the Doctor a million times smarter, but also, Luke is like 4 feet shorter than the Doctor. Okay, I may be exaggerating things a bit but not much. Luke Rattigan is almost munchkin tiny.

The Doctor gushes about all the hi-tech projects the students at the school are working on the same way a kindergarten teacher would gush over macaroni art. I don’t mean with great enthusiasm, I mean with the “look you made a dog, or perhaps a house, but it’s beautiful” baby voice. Of course, the Doctor immediately realizes that all the stuff that’s being built would aid the Rattigan Academy students if they planned to move to another planet.

“If only that was possible,” Luke muses.

“If only that were possible,” the Doctor corrects him. Thus the Doctor explains the concept of conditional clauses.

Oh, and if you don’t think correcting someone’s grammar isn’t potentially world-ending, you haven’t seen this episode. That crack will come back to haunt the Doctor.

Luke tries to make himself feel better by calling implying all UNIT members are grunts. The Doctor doesn’t want Ross insulted at “we like Ross” but I have a better reason.

The Doctor theorizes that the “Atmos System” could cause the world to run out of gas faster than a fleet of Hummers in a rally race and now it’s Luke’s turn to jump on the Doctor’s grammar. Since Atmos stands for “atmospheric emissions system” so calling it the “Atmos System” is a tautology . Well, if we’re going to argue grammar for the rest of this two-parter, then I’m going to start using hard interjections liberally. Are we fucking clear on that, asshats?

“It’s been a long time since anyone’s said no to you, isn’t it?” The Doctor sums up Luke Rattigan’s character in one sentence. The problem is that the Doctor feels sympathy for Luke because he’s always the smartest guy in the room.

Despite being the cleverest Luke in the room (but not in the Whoniverse) the Doctor compares the Atmos system to someone saying “can you hear me now?” in the Middle Ages, and someone responding in the affirmative. Oh yeah, and there’s a teleport pod in the middle of Luke’s office that can take the Doctor right up to the Sontaran ship.

The episode is full of short enemies and it’s a little short on original humour. The Doctor makes a crack about getting “Intru-da-window” and I cry foul! That joke’s already been made by the man who owns the internet!

Teleporting back to Earth, the Doctor saves his life not by a gun, like Ross tries, but by naming the species. Wait, the importance of names? That was done last season!

The Doctor challenges the Sontaran to act like a real soldier and stop hiding, only to mock Staal’s nickname like I did earlier.

Well, Staal’s going to have to work on a new nickname as he is quickly defeated by the Doctor, who exploits the Sontarans’ one weakness – the probic vent, by hitting it with a tennis ball. Great, now the Sontarans need to figure out a way to stop tennis balls from bouncing, or else they’re all going to die if they ever have to face Roger Federer or either of the Williams sisters.

The Doctor and Ross hustle out of the academy before Staal (the undefeated except for that damn tennis ball, TUEFTDTB for short) can recover, only to jump into a jeep with Atmos installed. Even I can see where this is going.

Now back on the Sontaran ship (with Luke in tow) Staal TUEFTDTB and another Sontaran, Skorr (I’m assuming his nickname is Skorr the Uneaten Chocolate Bar) need to speed up the stratagem, but they have 400 million Atmos devices installed worldwide, which is meant to trigger some sort of conversion. Luke’s sure it’ll work because of all those deaths Jo was investigating at the beginning. By the way, Luke’s way too excited about 52 simultaneous deaths.

Skorr’s sent down to Earth to make sure UNIT is infiltrated. Dum and Dee weren’t enough and they need someone with level one clearance! Cue Martha tied to Lisa’s conversion unit.

Skorr (whose nickname is the Blood Bringer but I like mine better) confesses that they’re making a Martha clone.

Above the Earth, Luke is reveling in its eventual destruction. “It wasn’t big enough for me” he tells Stall TUEFTDTB. Wow, it really has been a long time since anyone’s said no to him.

Staal figures out that the Doctor is the Doctor and in angry on behalf of his race that they didn’t get to fight in the Time War. In vengeance, he’s going to kill him. Wow, I think it’s been a long time since anyone said no to him either.

Martha is she’s beside herself.

So she’s made to sleep so that her clone can access all her memories.

The Sontarans try to dispatch the Doctor the same way they did with Jo, but the Doctor, as usual, has found a flaw in their plan. The Atmos is designed to do the opposite of anything the Doctor orders, so he simply orders it to drive into the river and the jeep stops. Personally, I might’ve added “And don’t shut off all the Atmos in the world” but the Doctor’s too busy running away from the car to add it. In all fairness, he did think the car was going to blow up. Instead, the Atmos just fizzes out.

As for Clone!Martha, she’s off to infiltrate Unit.

In order to solve this case you know what the Doctor needs? A companion, in this case, Donna. “You would not believe the day I’m having,” he tells her. Really? Well, considering what else she’s seen, nearly getting into a car wreck and tennis, are probably a little mundane at this point.

Ross head off to find a non-Atmos car (with more anti-gun rhetoric from the Doctor because I’m sure Ross was going to carjack a senior citizen) while the Doctor examines the Noble family car. This gives Gramps the opportunity to meet the Doctor properly, but because of the whole saving the Earth thing, the Doctor can avoid long explanations about Astrid.

Donna has some difficulty pronouncing Sontarans and all I can think is that at least she doesn’t have to say Raxacoricofallapatorius.

Finally, Clone!Martha answers and the Doctor gives her some instructions for UNIT, including “Code Red: Sontaran” and for UNIT not to shoot, neither of which she follows.

Now we get my favourite line in this two-parter. Gramps is all worried about the Doctor taking care of Donna but the Doctor responds, “She takes care of me.” It’s the Doctor and Donna’s entire relationship summed up in one sentence. Although, I have to say for 5 words, it carries a shitload of subtext.

The Doctor discovers that the Atmos has a temporal pocket, just as Sylvia joins them. In the tradition of all Whoniverse mothers, she freaks out about how he’s bad luck and yada, yada, yada, I’ve heard versions of this speech before and do not care to hear it again.

While I completely ignore most of Sylvia’s commentary, I do pick up on that Gramps had to miss the wedding due to “Spanish Flu.” Unless that’s some sort of slang of which I’m unaware, why the hell isn’t Gramps dead. While I’m at it, why doesn’t the Doctor pick up that in the early 21st Century, someone’s recovered from a disease that was last seen in 1918?

The Atmos is what shuts up Sylvia, as it suddenly starts spraying some sort of gas which spurs the Sontarans into action (and reveals the Doctor’s survival). Gramps, in an effort to help, tries to move the car off the street, only to find himself trapped in a car filling with poisonous gas and exhaust fumes.

Everywhere, people are panicking while Al Gore’s wet dream turns into his worst nightmare; cars everywhere are spurting poisonous gas.

“Now we begin,” Clone!Martha declares, completely unaffected by the gas. “Let’s get to work.”

And that’s where we’re left until next week. Gramps is suffocating. Clone!Martha is ready to help destroy the planet. The Sontarans (and Luke) are doing their battle cry / silly looking dance. Donna is panicking and the Doctor stands there, staring off into the distance.

To be continued.